Tag Archives: zebra mussels

Burp McGuire Explains The Difference Between A Horse, Donkey, Mule, And Jackass

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Burp McGuire knows four-legged animals like the FM Observer knows real fake news.

West Fargo, ND – Our very own Burp McGuire answers a good question from one of our faithful readers.

Tammy LaConk asks: Dear Burp, what is the difference between a horse, a donkey, a mule, a jackass and a zebra?

Burp: Dear Tammy, thank you for your great question!

The answer is quite simple:

A male horse is called a stallion. A female horse is called a mare. A young donkey is called a foal. A male donkey is a jackass. A female donkey is known as a jennet or jenny. A male donkey is called a jack or an ass. A jackass is also called an ass or a jack. A burro is simply the Spanish word for donkey. A mule is the opposite of a hinny. A mule can either be a male or female. A zorse is the result of a male zebra and a female horse. A mule is the result of a male donkey and a female horse. A zedonk is the result of a male zebra and a female donkey. A hinny is the result of a male horse and a female donkey. A donkey has 62 chromosomes. A horse has 64 chromosomes. A mule has 63 chromosomes which is why they cannot reproduce. A mule is sterile because of its odd number of chromosomes. Some famous jackasses include AssAssin, Jassack, and SmartAss. One famous mule is Ferris Muler.

Fargo Lobster Bisque Company Goes Belly Up Due To Lack Of Local Lobsters

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It would’ve been real nice to have a Lobster Bisque company here in Fargo but apparently they forgot the Feasibility Study.

Fargo, ND – Even before it officially opened its doors for business, the Fargo Lobster Bisque Company is officially closing its doors.

Selbo Berquist is the owner of the already defunct Fargo Lobster Bisque Company who now admits: “Yeah, we prolly forgot to do our due diligence and go with the highly recommended Feasibility Study which prolly would’ve red flagged us to the fact that Fargo does not have a large lobster population living in the area.”

So what are Mr. Berquist’s plans for the future?

“Well, we have heard the Minnesota lakes area is starting to produce a plethora of zebra mussels so we are prolly looking into re-packaging ourselves in that general direction,” Selbo ponders. 

Ironically, all the lobsters in Selbo Berquist can bisquely be re-arranged to spell: Lobster Bisque!

Zebra Muscles Invade Red River Zoo

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Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Fargo, ND—Red River Zoo officials have gleefully added zebra muscles to their fleet of exotic animal inventory. A big, buff zebra named “Junto” is the zoo’s newest member. He’s 6’3, 884lbs of brawny zebra muscles that has zoo people ecstatic.

“We’re so happy to have zebra muscles. One freshwater lake’s trash is a local zoo’s treasure,” explains zoo head Bemmen Derschwariatz. “Zebra muscles might be the plague of the small sea, the scourge of the freshwater, but to us, they’re a gift. Just look at those deltoids! Why you wouldn’t want that specimen grazing your lake shores is a mystery to me.”

Why no one has informed Derschwariatz of the difference between zebra muscles and zebra mussels has yet to be determined. Perhaps it’s best to keep zoo officials in the dark and let them have their moment.

Junto and his zebra muscles will be available for all to see this summer.

New Aquatic Nuisance Species A Nightmare From Hell

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Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the zebra mussel.

Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the dreaded zebra mussel. Say hello to MegaCrab.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The Minnesota DNR has begrudgingly confirmed the addition of a new aquatic nuisance species (ANS) to their growing list.

While the inexorable invasion of zebra mussels continues to threaten local lakes and lake property values, this newest aquatic nuisance species could even threaten the lives of innocent human beings.

Say hello to the MegaCrab. These bad boys reproduce almost as prolifically as zebra mussels but have multiple ways to cause pain and/or death.

Besides being able to kill humans with either their antennae, front pinchers, crab-hands, or tails, their entire outer hard shells are lined with poisonous razor-sharp barbs.

“If you accidentally step on one of these hella-demons, all your neighbors at the lake will hear and feel your pain” warns ANS biologist Dean Dooley. “Once your lake is discovered to have MegaCrabs, have fun trying to sell your lake property with one of them sitting on your dock, while eating a duck.”

It is believed that the MegaCrabs, which can grow to the size of a large cocker spaniel, are the result of transmutations coming out of the radioactive fall-out from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

These giant creatures have slowly been spreading throughout the world by attaching themselves to ocean-going petroleum tankers because they, for some reason, love the taste of sweet crude oil.

This is why biologist Dean Dooley also has to remind folks to not eat the MegaCrabs. “It would taste like eating a radioactive lobster that’s been marinating in crude oil for ten years.”