Fargo, ND—A local hospital is taking a heartfelt initiative this Valentine’s Day. Starting at noon, the first 100 customers through the door at Sanford Health in downtown Fargo will receive a no-cost heart transplant.

“If you’re hopelessly alone on Valentine’s Day, chances are you have a broken heart and for that, we have a solution,” said Sanford President Kenneth Noisewater. “Due to a shipping error, our hospital is the proud, unfortunate owner of 22 crates of glistening baboon hearts.”

Noisewater mentioned that sufferers of heartbreak need to act fast as this is a very limited-time offer: “The first 100 victims of Valentine’s Day sadness will earn themselves a new ticker. Don’t wait! Surgeons are standing by!”

The Observer recommends you clutch your loved one tight this evening or you, too could be waiting in line for a set of monkey ventricles.