Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

“Creepiest Adult Ever” Award Given To Leering Gym Instructor

Screenshot_2014-07-30-08-22-36West Fargo, ND—With just a week of classes in the books, West Fargo High School students have already begun recognizing their staff.

According to an online poll compiled by a number of Instagram users, school gym teacher Bwayne MacMinnus has won the unofficial Creepiest Adult Ever award. A Hefe-filtered Instagram photo of MacMinnus garnered the most ‘likes’, earning him this distinct honor.

Students and faculty alike participated in the online poll, with the photo shown at left obtaining over 1,000 likes.

“The way he looks at you, I like, really get creeped out, like, every day during PE,” said one high school junior, who wished to remain anonymous.

“We’re all pretty sure Mr. MacMinnus is autistic or just weird. Or both?” said West Fargo senior Triel Juptack.

High School Principal Cermin Troivaxler also participated in the online poll. He feels that MacMinnus was an easy choice. “Bwayne keeps to himself in the teacher’s lounge. He usually just stands there peering at other staff members. The rest of the faculty tends to worry about him, but damn if he doesn’t keep those kids in line.”

MacMinnus beat out the English teacher with the lazy eye by a commanding margin. Congratulations, Bwayne!

Area Maiden Sues Tailor After Corset Does Not Collapse Ribcage

From the archives: 23rd of May, 1894

corset5_bigFargo, ND — Area maiden Kreelen Maughth is suing the Main Avenue Tailor over what she claims is poor workmanship. Maughth says a 12¢ corset purchased over four score moons ago has had no ill effects on her ribcage and that her breathing is still far from irregular.

The lawsuit alleges that the tailor measured incorrectly and cut the wrought iron and horse hair a snug-but-not-too-snug length anyway. “My cage of ribs is of a fair comfort and my torso unconstricted. This should not be! I’ll have him lynched for his ignorance,” she declared.

Main Avenue Tailor Polten Von Cerklanak had this to say: “Perhaps m’lady purchased a size too big for thy bosom? ‘Tis not for me to decide. Present to me a bill of sale and I shall reimburse.”

Maughth has filed a formal paper with the Main Avenue Office of Law. If proven guilty, Von Cerklanak is set to be hanged at high noon this Sunday, 27th of May, 1894.

Stab Yourself In The Leg to Raise Awareness For RLS

Fargo, ND – We all know someone who’s afflicted with RLS. That’s right: Restless Leg Syndrome. This crippling, unfortunate illness affects millions of Americans worldwide. To raise awareness for this common problem, a local man has started a campaign entitled “The Stab Yourself In The Leg Challenge”.

Hink Bushbagger has been fighting restless leg syndrome for most of his life. “Ever since I was a kid, my leg’s been jumpin’ and dancin’ all on its own, even when i’m sitting still,” says Hink. “A lot of times I feel like jamming a pen in there to stop it.”

Recently, Hink witnessed a number of amusing videos on Facebook containing various people having big buckets of ice water dumped on their heads as a means to raise awareness for the degenerative nerve disorder Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, or ALS. This made him think.

Today, with the help of his loving wife Peppa, Hink started the RLS campaign. “I challenge my brother Herl, my uncle Crup and my life coach Andrea. Now, i’m going to stab myself in the leg with this ball-point pen.”

Won’t you help? If you hear your name mentioned in a leg-stab video, please, answer the call and heave that pen into your quadriceps with the cameras rolling in the name of RLS. It’s our only hope.

Nonviolent Protests Spread To Ferguson Iowa, Kentucky, North Carolina

20140410__ZAA10TANK2~p1Ferguson, IA/KY/NC—Amidst the ongoing protests in Ferguson, Missouri, local residents in remaining Fergusons across the nation have caught wind of their fellow Ferguson’s defiance and are taking action.

Non-white Ferguson residents in Kentucky, North Carolina and Iowa, the Observer has learned, are calmly leaving their places of residence all at once in protest of Ferguson, MO resident Mike Brown’s alleged unlawful murder. As a result, local police forces in these other states are unnecessarily gearing up for war.

“We Kentucky Fergusonites fully support our fellow Missouri Fergusonites in their efforts to get bullied by local police,” said Ferguson, KY native Pone Baglarck. “We’re asking every African-American to stand quietly in the street tonight so our Ferguson Police Department can freak out on them, too.”

Ferguson, North Carolina is not so lucky. Police there have already barricaded the houses of their predominantly black community in order to prevent any “necessary police action.”

A local black man in Ferguson, Iowa was last seen being questioned by patrolmen while walking calmly down the sidewalk.

Wedding Announcement

fat_people_scooters

Mommen-Gorftaggel wedding

Blychen Mommen and Peatus Gorftaggel, Harwood, ND, will be exchanging their vows and bodily fluids this October!

Blychen is the daughter of Phipp and Joonto Mommen, Meckville, ND. Peatus is the son of Belchrod and Veela Gorftaggel, Plackers, MN.

Blychen graduated in 2009 from Meckville High and in 2010 she attended North Dakota State School of Logistic Studies. She is currently employed as a Logician at Northwood Regional Institute of Logic.

Peatus graduated in 2008 from Plackers Learning Center and Halfway House. In 2010 he attended Western Minnesota School of Hard Knocks. He is currently employed as a Clay County Beard Wrangler.

An October 11th wedding and reception are planned at Uncle Gleet’s Love Palace, Beige Sack, MN.

Births

Searie Challacher, Horace, gave birth to son Crogo, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Friday, August 1st

Bavie & Sheppy Blucknob, both Moorhead, gave birth to daughter Iel, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Saturday, August 2nd

Toi Letwaters & Trabin Pepp, Fargo, gave birth to daughter Laith in their kitchen, Wednesday, August 6th

Yertsi & Ænas Gulpmurk, Fargo, gave birth to son Hignus, Pete’s Placenta Palace, Friday, August 8th

Pappen Tagblood-Mambalry, Mapleton, gave birth to daughter Sprax while en route to bingo, Monday, August 11th

Mibla & Baggz Van GaFonk, West Fargo, gave birth to son Deej, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Wednesday, August 13th

Whai & Glorver Stinkhooks, both Harwood, gave birth to son Ribber, Sunrise Day Care, Thursday, August 14th

Congratulations, all!

Obama Administration Approves Keystone Light Pipeline

Keystone Light PipelineWashington, DC—The Observer has learned that after months and months of careful consideration, President Obama has approved the final piece of the Keystone Light® pipeline. The proposed “phase 4” development, which will complete the structure and pump buttloads of Keystone Light® to homes across the midwest and Canada, has officially been given the go-ahead.

“This state-of-the-art liquid transport implementation is fully permitted to move forward,” the White House stated during their morning press conference.

FewFeetFromIt would appear that the Obama Administration is ruling in favor of the smooth-but-never-bitter flavor of Keystone Light® over the sensitive natural resources in Kansas impacted by the pipeline infrastructure.

Locals across the midwest are gearing up for Keystone Light®’s arrival. Fargo resident Coll Prushpeed is excited to re-purpose his countertop keg tap once the Keystone Light® goes live. “I use this to dispense beer from my fridge but hey, comin’ out of the wall pretty soon,” exclaimed Prushpeed.

Coors Brewing Company© estimates that Keystone Light® will begin flowing through your pipes as early as fall 2016.

NFL to Allow Teams to Use 12 Offensive Players At A Time

American_Football_Positions2New York, NY—In an ongoing measure to protect the quarterback and reduce the amount of on-field concussions, the NFL is giving its offenses a huge advantage by allowing them to use 12 players as opposed to the defense’s 11.

The change, it seems, is meant to provide the QB with an extra blocker to make the pocket safer, but the new rule does not state that a team must deploy a lineman. “I hope–HOPE–that teams will utilize the 12th player as a 6th offensive lineman, but hey, i’m not in the locker room…i’m not in the huddle,” says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. This means teams can get creative by adding either an extra position player or simply letting movie badass Vin Diesel roam the field freely in an “enforcer” type of role.

This move serves as a way to give both fans and the league what they want: more Vin Diesel and less player health lawsuits. “Being hit with lawsuits sucks. Have you ever been hit with a lawsuit? That shit hurts,” remarked NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. “Big Government is going to send us to the hospital if the lawsuits keep collectively kicking our ass. Come on, man. We just want to give the fans football. And Vin Diesel.”

Births

Plista and Gagg Maxbung, Moorhead, gave birth to daughter Xindlaa, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Saturday, July 5th

Keet Paliograph and Whackite Chlomsburger, both Fargo, gave birth to daughter Knat, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Thursday, July 10th

Koryl Jynn Twixeat, Fargo, gave birth to son Diddio, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Wednesday, July 16th

Lazza and Gayton Toesmasher, Fargo, gave birth to son Back, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Thursday, July 24th

Hixy Blowflash and Floper Dunksted, both Fargo, gave birth to daughter Zwirla, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Friday, July 25th

Ketcha and Tomby Scabblick, West Fargo, gave birth to son Joz, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Monday, July 28th

Kula RePaParker and Zemp Clobberchopp, both Fargo, gave birth to son Durt, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Thursday, July 31st

Congratulations, all!

National Football League: NFC NORTH PREVIEW

VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.

 

 

 

PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.

 

 

 

 

 

BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.

 

 

LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.

Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.