Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Vikings bench Ponder, replace him with broomstick

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4853845532_747e8c0c83_bMinneapolis, MN – There is much rejoicing to be done today as the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff has finally pulled the plug on the Ponder experiment. Head Coach Leslie Frazier:

“Ponder was a guy who we thought could fill the role of ‘game manager’ quite nicely. A guy who could hand the ball off on 1st and 2nd down and if we needed a small handful of yards to convert 3rd down, he could throw a quick out to the tight end. However, we’re not converting 3rd downs and Ponder has thrown for fewer yards than Adrian Peterson has run for in three of our past five games. Enough is enough.”

Coach went on to say that Ponder is “just getting in the way” and that a broomstick would serve as a “sufficient decoy”. The Vikings plan to prop up their decoy against the center, helmet dangling from the broom bristles as the center snaps the ball directly to Adrian Peterson.

Too little too late? This benching comes with only 3 games left to play in the regular season. The Vikings need to basically run the table and get help from other teams in order to make the playoffs. Starting quarterback Broom Stick will wear jersey # 13. Look for him(?) behind center this Sunday against St. Louis.

Pimp Academy opening in downtown Fargo

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Fargo, ND – A young, flashy entrepreneur is bringing his tacky-yet-unapologetic business local. Ricky Duffman, CFO of Vandelay Industries, (the developer of a very lucrative smartphone app) has taken to the streets of lonely old Fargo to chase his ultimate dream. What is his ultimate dream, you ask? The proliferation of Pimp Nation. Duffman is getting the paperwork together to open Fargo’s first and only Pimp Academy.

Bishop Duff’s Academy of Pimp, or B-DAP as it shall be known henceforth, will be a come-one-come-all school of Pimpology. According to Duffman, B-DAP will provide a series of learning seminars geared to educate eager, young, inexperienced pimps. It will not only be aimed at street pimps, but pimps of a different nature. Mr. Duffman breaks it down:

“I’m gonna be educatin’ peeps young and old on how to best pimp. Don’t matter if you wanna pimp hoes, your friends, or your job and whatnot. Pimps wear many different hats. Bill Gates? He’s a pimp. Bishop Don Magic Juan? Also a pimp. Hillary Clinton? Huge pimp. See, pimpin’ ain’t only about hoes anymore. Pimpin’ is all around us.”

Duffman is all set to move in to the vacant suite across from the Subway in downtown Fargo. The Observer would like to wish Duffman best of luck with his new business and the proliferation of Pimp Nation.

UFC match delayed due to limb entanglement

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Seattle, WA – An Ultimate Fighting Championship battle between Mike Swick and Matt Brown suffered a slight delay last night due to limb entanglement. Swick and Brown became engaged in a floor grapple in which both competitors attempted to lock in a submission move at the same time. Somehow, the limbs of both fighters got locked together in such a way that they became tied up in a knot. LOL!

Groans were heard from the crowd as referee Dan Miragliotta called a temporary stop to the fight. Trainers were brought in to assist, but were unable to budge the appendages of either contestant until dousing them in lubricant.

After squirting baby oil all over both men, the trainers were finally able to dislodge Brown’s foot from Swick’s armpit and Swick’s arm from Brown’s legpit after Brown’s leg was unwrapped from Swick’s neck and Swick’s arm was slid out from under Brown’s knee.

The fight resulted in a victory for Brown only after the two fighters were surgically separated.

Driving Dog Gets First Canine Speeding Ticket

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Auckland, New Zealand – Monty, the now famous car-driving schnauzer, has netted his first official moving violation since picking up a doggy driver’s license. Monty was popped going 35 in a 25 KM/hour zone just yesterday. The officer involved stated that Monty appeared to be “joyriding” at the time:

“I asked the dog how fast he thought he was going. He just sat there with his tongue dangling, drooling at me, like he didn’t care he was guilty. I then asked him where he was from. He said ‘woof’, like i’m supposed to know where that is?! Let’s just say he didn’t do a great job of talking himself out of a speeding ticket.”

This marks the first time in history that a dog was cited for speeding. The Observer is happy to report that animals are evolving at an exciting rate of speed. Next up on the agenda: teaching my Great Dane how to operate a snowblower!

DECEMBER 2012 EVENT CALENDAR: What’s happening in December

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Fargo, ND – Here is a list of F-M Observer sponsored events and happenings taking place in the area this December.

Saturday, December 8th:

MOVEMBER MUSTACHE CONTEST: DON’T SHAVE YET! SHOW OFF YOUR CHARITY-INSPIRED GRILL COVER AT OUR 1ST ANNUAL “MOVEMBER MUSTACHE GROWING CONTEST”. ‘STACHE JUDGES WILL BE ON HAND TO RULE ON WINNERS. AWARDS WILL BE HANDED OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING CATEGORIES: STRENGTH, LENGTH, FLAVOR SAVER, CURL FACTOR. FREE HAT.

Wednesday, December 12th:

WINTERIZE YOUR SOUL: BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!! INSULATE AND APPRECIATE. LOCALLY-RENOWNED SPEAKER WILLIAM HUDSON WILL OUTLINE HIS 3-POINT PLAN ON HOW BEST TO PREPARE FOR THE WINTER SEASON. LEARN HOW TO SHUN YOUR NEEDS AND PROCRASTINATE BETTER WHILE KEEPING LOVED ONES AT A SAFE DISTANCE. 7:30 @ RAMADA CRYSTAL BALLROOM. $75 IN ADVANCE, $90 THE DAY OF THE SHOW. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Friday, December 14th

SNOWGA: YOGASM IN THE NUDE.  BECOME ONE WITH NATURE, MIND, AND BODY.  BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE AND STRETCH THAT SPHINCTER.  COME JOIN US AS BILL BURNS GIVES YOGA LESSONS IN THE SNOW.  FREE MOUNTAIN DEW.

Saturday, December 15th:

WINTER DRIVING COURSE: TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW AFTER ONLY 8 MONTHS?  JOIN OUR ANNUAL WINTER DRIVING COURSE SO YOU CAN RE-LEARN HOW TO SLOW DOWN WHEN THAT WHITE STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY (WHITE STUFF IS SNOW AND WINTER IS A DREADFUL SEASON WHEN SNOW FALLS). FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED IN ALL HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOTS.  FREE “MY KID IS NOT AN HONOR STUDENT” BUMPER STICKERS FOR ALL WHO ATTEND.

Monday, December 31st:

NEW YEAR’S EVE BASH: PARTY!! GIVEN THE FACT THAT THE MAYAN CALENDAR DID NOT ACTUALLY SPELL OUT OUR DOOM, THERE WILL BE MUCH REJOICING AS WE SAY BYE-BYE TO 2012. NUDE PARKOUR AND IF I CAN GET THE PERMITS, SEX OLYMPICS. RSVP VIA TWITTER @FMObserver. BYOB. BYOLube. FREE HAT.

CANNIBALS ANONYMOUS sessions are held, as always, every Tuesday and Thursday of the month. Details available HERE.

Thanks, and we hope to see you soon!

Alleged unicorn lair found in North Korea

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Pyongyang, North Korea – I believed it the entire time. I never gave up hope that they were real, and now, we can finally put the speculation to rest. The unicorn exists! Proof that the one-horned, white horse of mythical elegance exists has been uncovered in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang. Evidence of said discovery has been officially backed by the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences.

This absolutely credible Korean institution states, in a report, that a rectangular rock carved with the words “UNICORN LAIR” has been discovered approximately 220 yards from an ancient Pyongyang temple. The carving is said to date back to the ancient kingdom of Koryo, established in 1392.

“The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.”

Ok, hold on a goddamn second. A carved rock sits across the yard from an ancient temple for over 600 years and nobody says peep about it until now? *BEEEEEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEP* That’s the sound of the BS alarm going off at full-blast. Why are you toying with us, Korea?! It appears that the Outlandish One, the King of the Bullshitters himself, Kim Jong-il is haunting us from BEYOND THE GRAVE. Remember when that little shit-ass told the world he shot 11 holes-in-one during a single round of golf? That sure was believable.

Um, yeah, hi, North Korea? Did a giant flock of flying pigs dump pixie dust all over your country, thus clouding your judgement? Call me when you’ve excavated a 500-foot-tall Godzilla skeleton or some fossilized dragon semen. Maybe then we can start taking you seriously.


Will Powerball Jackpot Grow to $1 Billion Before The World Ends?

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The growing Powerball lottery is making Americans very eager for a shot at all that paper. At the time of this publication, a payout of over $300 million (after taxes) is up for grabs and the jackpot continues to grow. Problem is, as the jackpot grows, our odds of winning decrease. The odds of you getting your arm bitten off by a shark are greater than cashing in on some Powerball jack. Kinda makes you wonder…will anybody ever win this thing?

According to the ancient soothsayers who wrote the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is approaching fast. December 2012 will prove to be our home’s Final Countdown. The Earth will swallow us whole. Doesn’t that suck? It does if you consider that the Powerball jackpot is on pace to break the $1 billion mark by that time. This means that some old geezer is going to cop the winning ticket, lose it, find it again and cash it in just in time for the Earth’s crust to split into a 10,000 mile-wide death chasm.

The Observer would like to advise everyone NOT to buy any Powerball tickets until the pot reaches at least $1 billion. Then, the lucky winner(s) can have a billion dollar dream come true right before the meteor hits!

Three Shoppers Killed During Cyber Monday Rush

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Associated Press – The volatile shopping atmosphere of Thanksgiving weekend has taken its toll on those who risked life and limb to participate. Black Friday saw thousands of furiously aggressive maniacs take to the aisles for a deal on a Blu-Ray® player or a smartphone. Small Business Saturday invited those not crazy enough to wage war on Friday to a more generous, supportive shopping environment. Lazy Sunday served as an outlet for those of us too scared to get into a hair-pulling, tit-twisting Black Friday Sale catfight with a soccer mom, but also too lazy to try.

This left us with Cyber Monday. That magical day of the year in which you can rest comfortably on your ass while searching for reasonably-priced online deals. Sounds pretty safe, right? Wrong. Most of us do not realize how much more dangerous Cyber Monday is compared to the other three. Statistics show there are more Cyber Monday-related deaths than Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Lazy Sunday COMBINED. This year is no different. Three shoppers lost their lives on Cyber Monday compared to only one consumer casualty during the previous 3 days:

  • Cindy Phillips sat playing Bejeweled for 4 straight hours on the morning of the 26th waiting for deals. She suffered an epileptic seizure from all the blinking lights, passsed out and hit her head on the computer desk. Died on impact.
  • Bob Randleman woke up late on Cyber Monday and had to make a mad dash to the computer room. He slipped on a Matchbox car and hit his head on the hardwood floor. Died on impact.
  • Judith McGee pointed, clicked and PayPal’d her way to victory, earning herself a very sought-after bedroom set. Upon winning said item, she jumped up out of pure ecstacy, fell backwards over her chair and hit her head on a step stool. Died on impact.

It’s tragedies like these that make shopping on Thanksgiving weekend a perilous venture. We wish the victims’ families our condolences during this very bizarre holiday season.


Jerk Refuses to Dim Floodlight; Neighbor Pissed

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West Fargo, ND – In an open letter to his bordering neighbor, local resident Randy Mills made his feelings about the motion-detecting floodlight facing his house abundantly clear:

From:     Randy Mills   (ArchAngel420@ymail.com)
To:           Gerald Bartholomew   (G_Money_2010@mailsys.net)
Subject:  DIM YOUR FLOODLIGHT, BUTTHOLE
 
I am writing you to complain regarding your motion-activated floodlight! There seems to be no getting through to you! I have tried to be nice, but you will not listen! Many times we have spoken about this shining beacon of uselessness blazing through the outer reaches of the cosmos! Every time a bird or a squirrel passes by at night, it switches on and proceeds to sear my retinas and melt the siding off my house! There is too much wattage there!! Please find the attached drawing for further explanation, dick!
 
Also want you to know I have danced the Dance of Evil in spite of you; the spirits of Eternal Damnation have been summoned and will begin to torment your very existence.
 
Love,
 
Randy Mills

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At the time of this publication, there has been no response from that dick Gerald. We will be watching as this neighborly feud continues.

Developers Announce App Designed to Waterproof Your Smartphone

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San Francisco, CA – An exciting and innovative new mobile app concept has finally made its way to the market. Get a load of this…are you ready? It’s an app that water-proofs your smartphone!! Vandelay Industries has announced and begun selling the mobile phone application entitled WATERPROOF.

WATERPROOF is designed to make your phone completely water-resistant. What does this mean? It means your phone can finally withstand exposure to liquid. Drop your phone into the toilet, sink, hot tub or bubbling cauldron of lamb’s blood and not concern yourself with the possibility of moisture damage!

The company’s Vice President, Art Vandelay, has given me the liberty of testing this revolutionary new mobile app. Let me tell you, it lives up to the hype!

I’ve left the windows open during a car wash. I’ve had lengthy phone conversations with ghosts in the shower. I’ve run my phone through the dishwasher rinse cycle to get it squeaky-clean. I put my phone in a glass of water on the nightstand before bed to silence text messages from my overly-aggressive therapist. I’ve even taken video of a snowball fight between a legion of psychotic fifth-graders in which I was caught up in the crossfire and relentlessly pelted with snowballs. After all this rigorous testing, my phone still works!

WATERPROOF uses patented Electro-Dry® technology to completely eradicate liquid molecules as they come into contact with device microchips. Simply amazing.

Folks–you can download, install and activate WATERPROOF today for the low low price of only $499.00 and use your phone near bodies of liquid worry-free!

Compatible with iOS 5/Android 4.0 and above. Not to be confused with PISSPHONE: the Golden Shower app. Use as directed.