Category Archives: Editorial

Android Gets Instagram. Apple Fans’ Buttholes Hurt.

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Fargo, ND – The ever so popular Instagram iPhone application popular among dirty hipsters and dumb fucks in general, was released for Android a couple days ago.  In case you didn’t know how much I love Instagram, you can read my rant Instragram Sucks and So Do You.  Following the release, butthurt Apple fans took to Twitter and Facebook to vent their hate and disgust.  As if you didn’t need anymore reasons to hate these prime candidates for natural dissection, continue below.

 

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how_about_you_kill_yourself_apple_fanboy

Somebody needs to tell this fanboy that Steve Jobs didn't create the Instagram app.

 

While working on putting this article together, I learned that there is an actually hashtag on twitter named #teamiphone.  Seriously, what is wrong with these people?  After browsing twitter with this hashtag I am no longer annoyed by apple fanboys but now absolutely despise them and wouldn’t think twice about dropping a bomb on these corporate masterbaters.  So now with the release of instagram on android, we can look forward to more ephemeromorphs taking shitty pictures.  Great day for humanity.  Great day indeed.

I Don’t Know How To List Something Online Because I’m A Dumbass

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buy me junk!

Buy my junk!

Fargo, ND – So you got something you want to get rid of or sell eh?  These days, with the internet, it is so much easier to sell or get rid of something then it ever has before.

Everyone has a camera, every phone has a camera in it, and good quality cameras are so cheap.  So what better way to sell something then by posting an ad on the internet.  I mean, there are multiple classified ad websites you can list on and an online auction called eBay.  All you need to do is simply provide a decent sized picture, a description (this is something that describes what the fuck you are listing), and your ass is good to go, right?  Wrong.  To some people, that either makes no fucking sense or they didn’t get past the 3rd grade because mother nature hates them so much for being stupid.

Let’s start with the picture aspect of listing something online.  Here are some basics that my common sense brain will grace you with.  First off, it has to be a decent size.  This is critical so people can see what pile of shit you’re trying to pawn off on someone else.  I often see people post ads such as the one below.  It makes me want to drive my car into the front of their house.

Hey everyone! I sniff paint everyday and hit myself repeatedly in the face for fun!  As you can see below, I’ve included a really big picture of my pile of shit so you can see exactly what I’m selling! $1

 

Here is what the ad should look like.

Oh hey everyone!  My mom told me at a young age to not do a ton of drugs so I have a little common sense.  I’ve posted a picture below of a really cool post-it note that people randomly leave on my desk for some reason!  I don’t understand!  They are so silly!  Anyways, at least you can see what I’m selling!  Thanks!  $1

 

The second part of the ad is the description.  Let’s say if you took a picture of your poop.  You would probably put in the description, “I’m selling my piece of shit.”  Right?  Seems simple enough and it describes exactly what you’re selling.  Well, not simple enough for these sad excuses for humans.  Let my common sense brain grace you with my common sense again.  See my examples below.

 

Right Way

Oh hey everyone!  I just got back from the hospital!  I had a headache for so long.  They said it’s because i’ve been a dumbass for too long!  Haha!  OMG!  Anyways, below I have a piece of shit Toyota Tercel for sale.  It has 120k miles, rust all over, hardly works, and tranny is going bad.  This piece of shit is all yours for $200.

 

Wrong Way

Hi!  It’s me!  I’m a race car driver and I’m retiring my supped up Toyota Tercel.  I’ve won national championships with this and I’ve put over 15k into it!  This thing is fast!  Everything works!  This is all yours for $3,000!  Super cheap!  Must sell fast!  In EXCELLENT CONDITION!!!  RUST FREE! NEEDS NOTHING!!  I’m going to jail soon for running over marathon runners.  Silly me!  I’m such a clutz!

 

So there you go.  Now you know the basics of not being a dumbass when listing something to sell online.

North Dakota Senators Tired of Being Overlooked

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Washington, DC – Muffled discussion can be heard from inside a capitol building janitorial closet by members of the senate as they stroll by. You see, this is where the North Dakota representatives of the United States Senate can be found conducting business. It’s funny to imagine, but not at all unusual. North Dakotans are quite used to being disregarded. It all began in many years ago when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed internal legislation to have the ND senators “moved to an off-site location” so that the senate could “find someplace to put all these goddamn empty boxes.” The ND senators were to conduct business from OUTSIDE the capitol! With pride in mind, senator Byron Dorgan fought back, earning a convenient spot in a hallway broom closet.

This state is growing very accustomed to being forgotten about. In the senate, it’s been going on for many years. Nowadays, the senators are lucky if their votes even count. Senator John Hoeven can usually be seen sprinting down the hallway, ballot in hand, desperately trying to get his vote handed in before voting cutoff. He remarks, “It’s fun! It adds excitement to the job. I just never know if i’ll get it there in time. I’m like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible LOL!” He seems to handle it well, but deep down, he’s frustrated. “Sometimes I really wish that things would go back to the way they were before. Give Kent Conrad his own broom closet again, for Christ’s sake.”

Dumpster Diver Fargo Moorhead

Tales of a Struggling Economy: Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr.

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Dumpster Diver Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – The less-fortunate have fallen on even harder times than we could have possibly imagined. As evidenced by the photo shown here, a downtown Fargo area transient was exposed recently as an utterly shameless trash peddler.

Area homeless Pete Wrigley Jr., who was once only thought of as a panhandling street urchin, was spotted yesterday in a 2nd avenue apartment dumpster trying to peddle common throw-aways to passersby. Mr. Wrigley made every effort to sell me food waste and other “valuables” out of a dumpster he appeared to have transformed into a makeshift vendor’s booth.

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No, I don’t want to purchase that empty cardboard box

Wrigley was clearly rummaging around in a back-alley dumpster but this trash bin did seem to look much like a magazine stand that one would find on a New York City street corner which must have been why he found it so appealing.

This is what it has come to, people. In a rock-bottom economy, transients have been reduced to selling our own rank garbage back to us. What a disgusting act of desperation! If you see Pete sifting through the rubbish of a neighborhood trash receptacle any time soon, don’t call the police. Instead, immediately notify the Observer. If he tries to sell you anything gross and/or useless, don’t pay more than asking price.

Come Ready to Party, Leave Drunk and Stupid.

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North Dakota Tourism Ad is Scandalous!

Leave a Legend? As a young woman with many male friends, I would just like to say that the new North Dakota Tourism ad is outrageous! North Dakota people don’t go out “on the town!” What is so wrong with the reality of being confined inside our cabins all winter warming up to the pellet stove, doing our laundry over the hot fire, churning butter, and eating our hand-salted meat we prepared and stocked for the winter months? Why do North Dakota leaders continually try and market my state this way?

Once the snow melts I can’t wait to put on my bonnet, lace up my shoes, and run amongst the wildflowers in the tall meadow with my tin lunch pail. My horse and buggy is ready to go out for a good gallop across the country too because I’m running out of baking supplies for my pies and material for my girls’ dresses. To the North Dakota Department of Commerce: Do please stop printing this outlandish material about my beloved state! We are who we are, and we most certainly do not hit the streets and party like this. If something like this is printed again at least cover up the shoulders and knees on those young girls. By the way, I’d like to know where they got the dresses? Those don’t even exist.

Ugh, just scandalous!

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

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Instagram Sucks and So Do YouWhat is Instagram you ask?  It is an Apple and Android application where over 15 million sheep users like to masturbate with each other over vintage pictures they take.  Instagram gives these hipsters users access to many different types of photo filters so any idiot can now look artsy.  What many of these filters actually do is degrade the picture to look like it’s from the 1950’s, 1960’s, or 1970’s.  You get the picture.  Essentially what these morons people are doing is continually slapping the shit out of and continually taking big large dirty dumps on the hundreds of engineers that dedicated their lives to improving this technology.

 

We have gone from this..

 

to this..

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A god damn cellular phone that takes pictures!  A phone that takes professional quality pictures!

 

Instagram Hippster Trash Fuck YouNow check out this picture to the left.  Can you guess what camera this was taken from?   You guessed the old one?  NOPE!  It was taken from the small PHONE that takes PICTURES in the YEAR 2012!!  It’s amazing……..ly stupid of you to take a magnificent piece of technology, take a good quality picture with it, and then essentially destroy it and make it look like shit for the sake of being a shitty hipster.  You fail at life and you fail at taking pictures.

So just stop it.  How about you just use your phone for calling people and disable your camera.  You are not artsy.  You are not deep.  You look like someone with severe brain damage confused about what sock to put on which foot.  If you like old pictures so much how about you actually become useful and build a TIME MACHINE.  Then you can go back in time and use those shitty cameras to take your shitty pictures with.

At my W.I.T.S. end

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A reactive reflection of what winter does to the mind, and its timely ending.

I am finally at the end of my WITS. WITS, meaning, of course, Winter Introspective Terror Syndrome. It’s a common affliction–something we all suffer from in one way, shape or form and in varying levels of intensity. I simply gave it a clever acronym (you’re welcome!). WITS is the pit of depression these long ND winter months inflict upon us. It is the act of internal struggle that bitter cold, lack of sunshine and ZERO motivation provides. Maybe you fall into such a mundane routine of school–>do not pass go–> head directly to home OR work–>do not pass go–>head directly to home that you start skipping day-to-day activities like exercise. Or happy hour. Or even housework. It’s because the icy grip of Old Man Winter is too much to shake and his WITS has seated itself heavily upon your shoulders. Well, friends, we are at our WITS end here. Finally, as the Ides of March approaches (not to mention March Madness(!!)) we start feeling warmer temps, a little more sunshine, longer days and spring is right around the corner. Ladies, UNLEASH THE SUNDRESS! There. Better.

I can safely say that now I’m at my WITS end.