Category Archives: Editorial

No I’m Not Coming To Your Herbalife Party

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Fargo, ND –  You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before.  Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice.  Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme.  They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.

How does it work?  To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people.  Just kidding!  You need to sign up under a sponsor.  Kind of the same thing.  If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off.  A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them.  The more members they have under themselves the more money they make.  Classic MLM bullshit.  If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products.  This is high comedy.  They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition.  This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.

They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle.  More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit.  What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money.  “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time!  It’s that great!”  Sorry numbnuts.  Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making.  Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below.  But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.

Herbalife bullshit

“I do herbalife things from a boat!”

So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor.  Now what?  Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you.  Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone.  It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you.  Literally.  They probably won’t tell you, but they do.  They hate you.  After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’

Throw parties!

Ok enough.  Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’  It’s not a fucking party.  You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT.  “You don’t have to buy anything.”  Well no shit.  I don’t go to parties to buy shit.  I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits.  That’s a god damn party.

You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur

I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’.  The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER.  Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money.  You (herbalife cult member) are an employee.  A salseperson for the actual business owner.  You make the actual business owners money.  You are also a customer.  That’s right.  You’re their number one customer.

You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok?  Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously.  Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.”  A late night diner & drive-in.  If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.

 

Will Powerball Jackpot Grow to $1 Billion Before The World Ends?

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The growing Powerball lottery is making Americans very eager for a shot at all that paper. At the time of this publication, a payout of over $300 million (after taxes) is up for grabs and the jackpot continues to grow. Problem is, as the jackpot grows, our odds of winning decrease. The odds of you getting your arm bitten off by a shark are greater than cashing in on some Powerball jack. Kinda makes you wonder…will anybody ever win this thing?

According to the ancient soothsayers who wrote the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is approaching fast. December 2012 will prove to be our home’s Final Countdown. The Earth will swallow us whole. Doesn’t that suck? It does if you consider that the Powerball jackpot is on pace to break the $1 billion mark by that time. This means that some old geezer is going to cop the winning ticket, lose it, find it again and cash it in just in time for the Earth’s crust to split into a 10,000 mile-wide death chasm.

The Observer would like to advise everyone NOT to buy any Powerball tickets until the pot reaches at least $1 billion. Then, the lucky winner(s) can have a billion dollar dream come true right before the meteor hits!

What Year Is It? Is That The NDSU Bison Football Team On TV?

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Fargo, ND – Another weekend of NDSU football is here.  People all over the Fargo-Moorhead area are hunkering down in their warm homes to watch the NDSU Bison try and win another football game.

So here you are.  You probably got two pounds of chili to tear through, five varieties of chip dips to eat, and other things cooking on the grill.  Your friends are all over, mom and dad stopped by, hell even grandma and grandpa came back down from heaven to watch the game with you.  Everything is looking like it’s going to be a great day to watch Bison football.  That is, until you turn on the television.  You look over to see grandma squinting at the television as she asks, “Is that bull riding on the television?  I can’t…..really……..see anything.”

“Are we about to play Tecmo Bowl?” my brother asks.

It is then you realize that you are staring straight into the year 1990.  Did you slip into a vortex and time travel back to 1990?  Likely not.  The broadcast is being beamed to you in standard definition and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.  Now instead of sitting around the room with your legs sprawled out and nacho cheese on your pregnant looking belly, everyone in the room has to huddle in front of the television to see what is actually going on.  Goodbye eyes.  Didn’t need you anyways.

Maybe next time you should just just show up at the dome and demand to be let in.  State that you are the Bison Thunder God and are here to bring happiness, joy, and pixels for everyone.  Or, drive on over to the head office at NDSU and hand them your bill from the eye doctor.

 

Repetitive Phone Calls Encourage Civic Duty

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I would like to publicly give a “thumbs up” and thank those people that made the multitude of repetitive phone calls to remind me to vote. Since I have been living under a rock for about a year, I have had no knowledge of the political television ads. Thanks to all these phone calls, I will remember to exercise my civic duty to get out and vote! In addition, because the rock I was living under was extraordinarily large, I didn’t notice the massive amount of paper in the form of political advertising in my mailbox. Since the rock was hard to move, I got lazy and let my mail pile up. But, thanks to all the phone calls I will now remember to vote! Thanks!!

Downtown Fargo In The Winter

List: Top 10 Things To Do At Home In Fargo During Winter

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Fargo, ND – Follow up story to the Top 10 Things To Do In Fargo During Winter.  Here is a list of things you can do in the comfort of your own home during the winter months in Fargo.

 

1. Plan A Kidnapping

When the time comes, you’ll have a solid kidnapping plan in place if you ever need it.

 

2. Practice Your Telekinesis Skills

Once you master it, your fat ass can sit on the couch while you use your newly acquired powers to bring the food to you.

 

3. Hold a 20 Minute Conversation With The Wall

Probably the best conversation you’ll have all week.

 

4. Attempt To Learn Bird Language

Figure out what the birds are really up to.  World domination probably.

 

5. Get Drunk And Start A Fight With Your Stuffed Animals

Your chances of winning are high.  Self-confidence booster.

 

6. Spend The Entire Day With Your Eyes Closed Like A Blind Person

Live like a blind person.  Walking in the middle of the night will be much easier.

 

7. Count The Total Number Of Hairs On Your Arm

This will benefit your math skills.  You’ll finally have an answer for when everyone asks you how many hairs you have on your arm.  Very important statistic to have.

 

8. Create A Facebook Account Of Your Alter Ego

My super hero status just got legit after creating a facebook account of my alter ego.

 

9. Play Dead

Lay at the foot of the stairs and stay there throughout the entire day.  Ask everyone you know to stop by.

 

10. Perform Surgery On Yourself

Play doctor and see if you could make a career out of it on the black market.

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

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Downtown Fargo In The Winter

*sigh*

Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:

 

 

  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!

Where Are They Now: Wheel of Fortune Big Winner Ken Noisewater

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Fargo, ND – $25,000. Could that dollar amount change your life? I’m willing to bet it could (even after taxes). Kenneth Noisewater landed a shot at fortune and fame; the type that could only be earned along side big Pat Sajak. Ken went on Wheel of Fortune and hit the big time. Mild-mannered Ken, an accountant by day and a father by night, netted the biggest prize of them all (at the time). He pulled the $25,000 envelope and nailed his bonus round puzzle. Little did Ken know, this would be the beginning of the end.

After owning the bonus round, Ken embraced his family, pocketed his check and went on his way. He was feeling like a star. The trip home was filled with jubilation. The family was buzzing with ideas as to what they should do with the money, but Kenneth had his own plan forming. The money had already begun to change him.

Kenneth watched as Uncle Sam took his share of the coin, then a portion of his debt took some as well. He became angry. Extremely agitated. He wanted his bonus. After all, these were WINNINGS he pocketed, not a government grant! Kenneth went out. He told the Mrs he was headed out for a few minutes to “clear his head”. He actually ended up throat-deep in the biggest alcohol bender of his life.

Noisewater went and had himself a real screamer. Took the car to bar after bar, club after club that night. Got so damn drunk he called his boss and went off. Needless to say, he was fired. Then he called his wife and went off. She hung up on him, confused. Then he called 911 and went off…of a bridge into some very troubled water.

The police said it was a miracle Kenneth survived. The river cushioned the blow, they said. Would you believe it if I told you his wife left him? Well, she didn’t. He left her out of sheer embarrassment. One wretched evening of irresponsibility transformed Kenneth Noisewater into a living legend and a complete nobody in one fell swoop.

These days, Noisewater can be found sucking around downtown with the rest of the street urchins, mumbling incoherently to himself:

“I am a rugged being. The government is too big! Three more Presidents until ruination of society. Smart people will tell ya…money is an object! Where am I? Hello. Hello. Hi. Change??”

Truly a depressing end to an unlikely winner-turned-loser story. Let me be the first to warn you, R S T L N E, 3 more consonants and a vowel can easily spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

The Fargo DMV Is In A Terrible Location

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fargo_dmvFargo, ND – The DMV is the last place one wants to be…..ever.  I’d rather be swimming in pig shit than be waiting in line at the dmv.  If having to enter the gates of hell dmv didn’t make your life miserable enough, Fargo decides to stick the dmv between a bus stop and a temporary employment agency.  I’ll tell you why this is a terrible location and where the dmv should be located.

The DMV is a test to everyone’s patience in that if you don’t feel like murdering at LEAST 10 people by the time you walk out and get to your car, your visit is considered a success.  One of the reasons you may feel like a murdering psychopath after entering the gates of hell dmv is that they require you to pay them in ways 90% of society doesn’t fucking pay people anymore, CASH and CHECK ONLY.  Cash, ok maybe i’ll be a little lenient on this one because cash is cash.  Still, not many people carry cash anymore but checks?  Fucking checks?  That alone is a huge red flag that they are there to torment you into submission.  There are various other reasons the DMV sucks that I don’t have to mention but I think the polls are in and the consensus is….

THE DMV GOES TO THE GREATEST LENGTHS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO WASTE YOUR DAY.

Now onto the location.  The location of the Fargo DMV is immediately next to a bus depot.  That’s cool, buses are cool, what’s not fucking cool is shady people hanging around staring at you or your car.  So now not only do I have to worry about how bad the DMV will try and rape me I have to worry about possibly getting robbed.  Why not?  Seems like it would be pretty easy to break into my car, steal my Very Best of: David Hasselhoff cd, and hop on the bus to never neverland while I’m waiting inside ripping my eyes out wondering how long my ass will hurt.

Here is my proposal of where the location of the DMV should be.

Welcome to the Fargo DMV

The Fargo DMV should be located smack dab in the middle of a hospital and a shooting range.  This way, after leaving the dmv, you can walk right next door to the friendly hospital where they will repair your raped and mutilated ass for a small fee of 20 thousand dollars.  Next, walk on over the shooting range for some good wholesome target practice.  This will relieve your frustrations and send you home calm while forgetting the torment you just had to endure and the pain you are feeling in your ass.

zombie apocalypse

Must Have Weapon For The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

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Everywhere, USA – Keep your face, keep your skin, we will fill you in on the most practical weapon against zombies.  Zombies have been in the news lately (here and here) which is an obvious sign of a coming zombie apocalypse.

This is great news for a lot of us.  We have been fans of zombies for years.  Compiling zombie fighting weapons, playing zombie video games, and actually dressing up as a zombie and going on zombie bar crawls.  We have been waiting impatiently for the time when we can actually kill waves of zombies in real life.

Now that the time has actually come, you need to be prepared.  The most practical zombie fighting weapon is a SWORD.  Why you ask?  Because swords don’t run out of ammo dummy!

I personally recommend the Katana.  A sharp Katana will have no problem what so ever dismembering waves of zombies.  You could go on forever!  How exciting!

Double Edge Zombie Katana Sword

Now, you can go out and buy any sword (MAKE SURE IT’S SHARP) but you need to be in shape in order to use the sword effectively.  You don’t need a ton of skills either but it wouldn’t hurt to practice sword fighting skills.

If you follow the kid in the video below you will get in shape AND learn critical sword fighting skills.

 

Happy zombie training and fighting!  Go get ’em tiger!!

**Watch for a follow up article on the Top 5 Must Have Zombie Weapons.**

Should I go see The Avengers or watch a real movie: HELLRAISER?

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Washington, DC – Today at the White House, a government mandate was unanimously passed into marshall law requiring every American citizen to go see The Avengers because “It’s SO damn good.” It seems that everybody has seen The Avengers and an equal amount of people (everybody on the planet) loved it. You want to be entertained, maybe even shaken to your innermost core? GO BUY HELLRAISER TONIGHT. Hellraiser was so scary good, they made, like, 20 sequels to it. They couldn’t keep Pinhead off the screen he was so damn alluring. Pinhead is the baddest villain of all time, hands down. Why don’t you try & piss off Pinhead, hot shot. Watch what happens. It’s only the most heinous act of torture imaginable.

And then there’s the Cenobites. Who are they, you ask? Just Pinhead’s evil-toting, inescapable torture posse. This sticky, slimy band of ghoulish hellfreaks?? You could take Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers AND Leatherface to the party and not get nearly the amount of heart attacks, face explosions and blood vomit that you would if you brought the freaking CENOBITES. The Cenobites walked straight through hell’s portal just to torment you. They aren’t human (Myers, Leatherface, Jason (allegedly)) nor are they conjured from some poor little kid’s dream (Krueger). These leatherclad hellbeast torture specialists are gonna waltz right through the gates of hell, find you, and fucking ream your ass.

I would like for somebody to provide a convincing argument as to why The Avengers is better than Hellraiser and if you can persuade me, I will go see The Avengers tonight wearing only a jock strap & cape. Please watch Hellraiser then leave your argument in the comments section below. Thank you.