Category Archives: Editorial

Former Small Town Drug Dealer Living Big City Dream

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Livin’ the dream!

Mapleton, ND—Who said you had to be asleep to live the American dream? That’s baloney! A small-town meth dealer from Mapleton, North Dakota who goes by the street name “Bizznatch” has taken his talents to Minneapolis to pursue his dreams of becoming a drug kingpin.

Bizznatch started his underground meth ring during the early 2000s via a homemade meth lab built in his deadbeat parents’ garage. It was a fly-by-night operation at first. Bizz started pushing one rock here and two rocks there, but as word got out about his penchant for dope slangin’, business picked up. That’s when he knew he really had something to offer.

“I learned math in high school and always had a salesman mentality.” he states. These skills are a valuable commodity in the world of drug dealing. “I trusted nobody and kept my head on a swivel, always looking over my shoulder. You gotta be paranoid in this business.”

His homeboys always knew Bizznatch had what it takes to hit the big time. “Bizz never took no shit from nobody. He always on top of his game.” said his homie C-Slaw. “He slang the rocks like no other.”

Bizznatch soon moved out of his parents’ garage and into his own shitty, run-down meth trailer on the outskirts of town. It was there that he started proliferating his empire.

“I made some real business connections. Loads of cash started coming in. My operation outgrew my meth shack in a hurry. That’s when I knew my 8 cell phones, 47 security cameras, 5,000 pet spiders and I would have to move on.”

meth

toxic rock

Bizznatch loaded up his windowless van and headed east to Minneapolis in 2011. He set up shop in a downtown-area loft and hasn’t moved since. No…seriously. He hasn’t been outside in over two years. Nowadays, he remotely manages a legion of cookers and street pushers via a series of cryptic text messages while the jack continues to roll in. Life is good. He looks back fondly on his early days and says he’ll never forget where he came from.

“Starting out small like that really keeps a drug lord humble. I still remember my first meth sore like it was yesterday…cooking rocks and huffing formaldehyde in my dad’s garage. Man, what a ride.”

Dont Speak it. Ecard it.

I Only Speak Ecard Now.

You’ve seen them.  You’ve probably posted one, two, or twelve hundred.  Ecards are the new scourge of facebook.

Everyone’s original thoughts have now finally gone the way of the dodo bird.  Intellectual thinking has vanished.  Poof.  Gone.  It seems everyone I know now only speaks in ecards now.

It goes like this: One wakes up in the morning, logs onto facebook and thinks, “man..I gotta post something deep and inspirational.”  They then proceed to comb facebook for an ecard that relates to something they are thinking so they can share this deep moment.  They don’t find anything so they visit the ecard website.  After careful consideration they share an ecard on facebook.

Live Long Enough To Shit

Perfect.  Now your friends are hopefully inspired for the rest of the morning.  You can finally continue on with the day.

Moving on, you head to work.  Having to deal with dumbass coworkers is hell.  We all know that.  What better way to express your outrage than an ecard.  No need to talk here.  Let’s ecard it!  Combing facebook you see a friend posted an ecard you agree with.  How can it be?  Is this person experiencing the same workplace crap that you are?  We are so alike! I must share.

I Wish You Were As Productive As Your Rectum Is

Great, great.  Now that that is out of your system it’s time for a break.  Wait, you’re feeling goofy so you head into the bathroom where you can’t be bothered and share something funny.  You must only show it in ecard form as that is the only way your friends can understand you now.

*combing the ecard website

Ahh perfect.  You found one.  Just what you were thinking.  *Share

i_just_want_you_to_know_that_amish_you

Hahaha.  You pat yourself on the back because you made a funny.  You realize you haven’t talked to a soul yet today and that’s fantastic and completely normal.

 

Alright! Work is done and you’re at home.  There you are sitting on your patio alone.  Not sure why.  You realize you better ecard what it’s like to be you right now on your patio.  There has to be an ecard for it.  Yes!  Indeed there is!

outdoorsy-getting-flirting-ecard-someecards

 

Your husband tells you to come in.  You don’t speak to your husband anymore either.  You only ecard him.  So, you pull up your computer and BAM!  You ecard him your thoughts.

Dinner Party Event Ecard

You huddle into your room to watch Honey Boo Boo that you had previously recorded while your husband is probably thinking about divorcing you.

 

So there you have it.  A day in the life of a human being in the year 2013 where ecards through facebook have become the new means of communication.

 

Don’t speak it!  Ecard it!

Dont Speak it.  Ecard it.

Fargo Potholes

The Cities of Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead All Hate You

Fix itAs I was driving around in my car today it came to my attention that the cities of Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead hate everyone and want to punish you with potholes to death.

Why they would want to punish us or my car is confusing.  They want people to leave the state even faster?  My car didn’t do anything to any of these cities so why the hate?  That is the question everyone needs answered.

Every street I drove on and I mean EVERY SINGLE STREET, there were potholes everywhere that wanted to kick me and my car’s ass.  Below is what I literally felt like driving around town.

 

Every turn, every lane, there was disaster waiting for me.  “Alright I’m going to be smart about this and get into another lane.  Dang…gotta turn here, ahhh dammit!  Pothole right after the turn.  There goes my strut!  Better get into the other lane.  Ahhh dammit!  Didn’t see that pothole because the car in front of me.  There goes my tire!  Going to pass this car here to get away from the po….dammit!  Another pothole in between lanes!  There goes my entire underside!  I’m going to just close my eyes the rest of the way home.”  Any bump or crash will just be another pothole I told myself.

I finally arrived home with a mangled car that resembled nothing of its former self and I have the cities of West Fargo, Fargo, and Moorhead to thank.

Please, do me a favor and visit http://pothole.streets.cityoffargo.com/ and literally just report the entire city.  As you can see below, I went ahead and submitted a pothole.

Submit a pothole Fargo

Submit a pothole Fargo

I’ll sit right here and await their reply.

Cardinals Enter Sistine Chapel

To the Conclave!! No Pope After Day 2. Come On Man!

My eyes are starting to get bloodshot.  I’ve been celebrating the religious superbowl.  The selecting of the new pope.

I’ve been up since Tuesday morning anticipating the conclave and the electing of the new pope.  Why?  Because there are three Americans in the running!  America!  America!

'merica! 'merica! 'merica! 'merica!'merica! 'merica!'merica! 'merica!

 

 

What?  You didn’t know?  The American candidates that have a chance of wearing an awesome pope hat, having a pope mobile, and living in a castle amongst a ton of wealth are Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York, Cardinal Sean O’Malley of Boston and Cardinal Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C.

Ok ok.  I don’t know who the hell these people are either.  I threw a party Tuesday night and gave out free pope hats and just cheered for ‘merica.  In fact I’m still wearing my pope hat and probably won’t take it off until they finally choose someone.  I wore it to work and thankfully nobody said a word.

I’m tired.  I’ve been partying strong about the conclave since 10 in the morning on Tuesday and I’d really appreciate it if they could finally choose someone here already.  I’m at my wits end.  I was waiting all night and then……then the black smoke….AGAIN.  Ugh! The anticipating is killing me!  I can hardly stay awake and I smell of alcohol and holy water.

The voting will continue until Saturday March 16.  At that time the cardinals will break for a day of prayer and reflection.  Maybe take a shower, take a shit, and eat.

Anyways, I’d like this pope party to end here.  I’ve poped myself out.

Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion

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Dr. Finance answers your stupid questions.

The Money Doctor is back once again to address one lucky reader’s inquiry. If you have any stupid questions about money or finance that you might like to have answered, simply leave them down below in the comment section of this post (if you can figure out how to leave a comment).

Today’s question was sent in by Miss Leesha McHoarder from Frackville, Pennsylvania!

Frackville Leesha asks: Dear Dr. Finance, Can frequent visits to the FM Observer website help me financially?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Leesha of Frackville, You have asked a great question. It is great because it caused me to do a great deal of research, which then had to be boiled down into a short answer. It’s a question because you are seeking an answer, and it ended with a question mark.

Dr. Finance has done his due-diligence along with the requisite research and finally reduced the answer to the question down into a short poem. (Besides having a PH.D. in Financial Questions and Answers, Dr. Finance also minored in poetry!)

Dr. Finance’s poetic answer to Leesha’s stupid question:

Daily readings of the FM Observer
Can provide some much-needed extra fervor
Avoid dozing off and being a car swerver
This satirical site can be a life preserver
Food for thought like a good hors d’oeuvrer
Plus images for the brain thru your optic nerver
Whether you’re a lib or a fiscal conserver
Here’s some free cash from the Federal Reserver!

DOLLAR1

 

 

 

 

If you have any stupid questions about money or finance that you might like to have answered, simply leave them down below in the comment section of this post (if you can figure out how to leave a comment).

Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$

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Dr. Finance knows money!

(Ask your financial questions in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer!)

Mrs. Blanch Gladstone asks: Our home is worth less than what we owe on it. What can we do?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Blanch, this is a very timely question that affects many Americans today, as well as numerous illegal aliens. You have what we call an upside-down home loan mortgage resulting in negative equity.

When you owe more than your home is worth, you could either decrease the amount you owe on it, or do things to increase the value of your property. Since it’s difficult to decrease the amount you owe, and because refinancing is probably not an option, let’s look at some things to increase the property’s value:

  1. Add a bathroom or two and possibly some granite countertops
  2. Push to have a new school built in your neighborhood by attending local school board meetings
  3. Paint your home a wild color and creatively market the house as being “haunted”
  4. Since you’re trying to stay “afloat” with your “underwater” mortgage, you might want to add a swimming pool!

Otherwise, you might want to:

  1. Sell your place at its appraised value and “owe the lender” the difference
  2. Just walk away and change your name
  3. Allow a foreclosure and hope for the best
  4. Declare bankruptcy and hope for less than the worst
  5. Try to sell at the highest possible price point by having an on-line auction via eBay
  6. Start a church (like I did) and gain some nice non-profit tax benefits, plus the weekly cash-flow from the offering plates
  7. Sell raffle tickets for some lucky person to win your house, (and whether or not you actually pick a “winner” is totally up to you)
  8. Increase your monthly cash-flow by either turning your garage into a multi-person bed & breakfast, or get a part-time job as a fast-food sales representative.

Now Blanch, if all else fails, try writing a long letter to our friends at the Federal Government and hope like hell that they give you some basic assistance through the Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). However, the chances of this happening are slim to none if you voted Republican in any of the recent elections.

If I may close with a famous quotation from the venerable Franz Kafka: “So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.”

(Feel free to ask any financial questions that you may have in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer.)

Lunatics Banned From Washington DC

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Former pugilist Hairy Reid

Washington, DC – Back in December of 2012, Congress temporarily set aside its gridlock in an unusual bipartisan effort to ban the word ‘lunatic’ from all federal legislation. The new law was designed to remove outdated or demeaning language from existing US code.

The word “lunatic” had become politically incorrect since it was insensitive to werewolves or anyone descended from werewolves. It derives from “Luna”, the Latin word for moon, and “Tic”, the nervous twitch often associated with crazy people.

One of the sponsors of the measure was North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad. He believes that federal law should reflect modern science, and that we should no longer refer to lunatics as lunatics. As their solution, the old derogatory word is to be replaced with either: Moon Units, Idiots, Mental Midgets, or Progressives.

The House of Representatives voted 398-1 in support of the bill, after the Senate approved the motion back in May. After passing both houses of Congress, the bill could then be passed on to President Obama for his auto-pen signature.

Interestingly, the one “no” vote came from a Texas lunatic who had the crazy idea that Congress should spend its time on more important matters, such as trying to prevent the entire country from going over a fiscal cliff.

In a related effort, the Senate is considering trying to pass a new rule that would essentially ban any former comedians from becoming members of the United States Senate. The honourable Senator Al Franken’s initial reaction to this was, “What, is this some kind of joke or something?”

Spend My Money Wisely Government

Government Takes More Money Out of My Paycheck and Why I’m Celebrating

Spend My Money Wisely GovernmentMy paycheck is about to take a hit in the year 2013.  The fiscal cliff deal finally went through.  What does that mean?  Well, there are a lot of things but the one thing that effects me is the extra money that will be taken out of my paycheck.

Since the fiscal cliff deal passed, wage earners will now pay a 6.2% payroll tax.  Previously there was a 2 year plan in play where we all enjoyed a 4.2%.  Now that party is over and I’m hungover.  There are more taxes coming for the rich.  I’m not rich but if I were I’d still approve of the government taking more and more of my money.

You would think that I’m mad, angry, or bitter.  Well, I’m not.  The party didn’t end for me.  I’m going to continue to rock it out.  You see, I enjoy the government taking more money out of my paycheck.

Everyday I wish the government could take even more money out of my paycheck.  I wish I could live, work, and breathe everyday for the government.  I don’t trust myself with money.  In fact just yesterday I bought a foot tanner.  Why?  Why the hell not?  Last week I went into the dollar store and bought 50 different items simply because they were only a dollar.  Now I don’t know what to do with the stuff.  Those things are just sitting in a pile in my living room.  I’ll probably throw them away next month when I get sick of looking at them, then go buy more stuff at the dollar store for the hell of it.

I live the American dream and it’s America baby!  I definitely feel and trust that the government can spend my money better then I can.  They have many good quality programs that they give my money to.  For example, spending $744,000 for a new soccer field at Guantanamo Bay.  That’s legit.  It’s better than a foot tanner.  Every individual should get puffy cotton robes to relax in after a shower as well.  Or how about the $2.6 billion federal agencies spend on printing.  It’s pretty obvious the government hates trees.  Everyday I bet those employees get into the office and say to themselves, “Trees suck!  I’m going to test print like 50 pages today!  Fuck trees!”  I can get behind that.  Trees are worthless.  We don’t need them.  It’s money better spent than me wasting 50 dollars on 50 useless dollar store items.

I don’t like being responsible and I like slaving away everyday at a middle class job so other people have more money to spend.  More money being my money.  It’s fantastic.  I’m doing a good deed and surely raking up the karma points.  Karma points I myself can spend on things even though karma is imaginary.

That is why I say TAX ME MORE.

How about you?  Do you like others spending your money?  Are you going to continue to party in 2013 like me?

 

Restaurant review: McDonald’s never fails (to disappoint)

ronald_mcdonald_jumping1-1Fargo, ND – It all starts as soon as you wake up in the morning. You’ve overslept. You’re running late to work. Now, in order to fill your daily “quota” or keep on task at the office, you have to cut corners. You are forced to shorten your lunch hour. One minute, you have plans to meet a friend at a respectable establishment like Toscana. The next minute, you have to cancel and hit up the McDonald’s drive-thru because you’re pressed for time.

Couldn’t be a worse lunchtime scenario. Gag. Driven by the need for convenience, I begrudgingly head out to my car at 12:35 (a little over a half hour into my lunch hour) and speed off to the nearest McDonald’s. During the entire 1-minute drive my mind is racing frantically, trying to figure out how I got here. How I found myself in this miserable situation.

“Where did I go wrong?? Lack of preparation? Irresponsibility? So much could have been done to prevent this from happening.”

By the time I end up in the drive-thru lane, my mind is in such a state of turmoil that i’m no longer hungry. Frankly, i’m sick to my stomach with disgust. The good news: only 3 cars in front of me, so this should go quick. The bad news: only 3 cars in front of me, so it’s decision-making time. These lines move fast. The last time I was at a McDonald’s there were still leaves on the trees, making the impromptu drive-thru decision that much more difficult.

What’s this? They’ve revamped the dollar menu yet again?? The usual suspects are there (Big Mac, Quarter-Pounder), but my appetite is not. In the back of my head i’ve already predicted the outcome:

“Gotta make this simple. For Christ’s sake, be smart. Don’t over-analyze this. Two double-cheeseburgers and you are outta here.”

By the time i’m at the drive-thru speaker, my heart rate is jacked. I’m sweating. The last thing on my mind at this point is eating McDonald’s fast food, but again, i’m left with no choice. I blurt out my order, pay, and proceed to find my parking spot. I will sit there, alone in my car with tears running down my face, choking back a who-knows-what burger and swallowing my pride in the process.

McDonald’s – ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆