Category Archives: News From The Future

Stuff that has yet to maybe happen

Denmark Charged With Tresspassing Onto Finlandian Space Nebula

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Pictured: Denmark’s 3 square-mile Self-Contained Village Unit 54. This monstrosity houses an entire village of humans as it closely orbits Earth.

This article originally published February 5th, 2066

Nebula 79.10250:91.01, Property Of Finland—The Interstellar Order Of Protection has charged the country of Denmark with unlawful trespass after one of Denmark’s self-contained village units inadvertently breached an intergalactic boundary, traversing space territory owned by Finland.

Since the first colonization of space nebulae in 2048, accidents like these are not uncommon.

Negligence here on the part of Denmark’s Galactic Colonization Effort resulted in their Self-Contained Village Unit’s (SCVU) unlawful drift into Finlandic Nebula 79.10250:91.01’s established boundary. 

High Ruler Of Denmark Qens Vuntnen called the trespass accidental. “Megathrusters on starboard 3-mile fell inactive, causing SCVU 54 to rove nearly 1,000 meters outward. The last thing we want is a nebulaic trespass to propel the galaxy into another Star Wars. Please know that this was a mishap.”

The penalty for space trespass is a fine of 4,000,000, payable in only Marklar.

Contest: Get Your Ass To Mars!

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News from the future – March 4th, 2066

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Mars Outpost, 2066

Fargo, ND—NASA’s Mars Rover, since its placement on the Red Planet decades ago, has been hard at work constructing the much-anticipated MARS OUTPOST interplanetary research and development facility.

The MARS OUTPOST, located smack dab in between a storm of red lightning and swirling alien dandruff space dust, has become the galaxy’s first spacetacular astrological science and research center. The Mars Rover built this monstrosity from the ground up using nuclear and solar-powered state-of-the-art engineering. Impressive!

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Mars Rover

Anyway, NASA (in conjunction with select media outlets across the nation) is preparing to send one lucky duck straight to Mars in a shuttle captained by R&B legend and current owner of Mars, Bruno Mars. The winner shall receive a first-hand look at the gorgeous new OUTPOST facility!!

The FM Observer will be coordinating an entry contest with its readers. All you have to do to win is complete a small 100-word essay in our comments section below explaining why you should Get Your Ass To Mars. Our staff will compile the results and select one lucky space cadet to be sent on a one-way 34,000,000-mile trip to the Red Planet.

Upon landing on Mars, cadets will eventually be greeted by the Mars Rover where there will be a photo opportunity (no flash photography) along with a guided tour of MARS OUTPOST. After that, you will help Rover do ferocious interstellar battle with Martians.

Good luck!

Must be 18 or older to win. Anyone named Scot is barred from entry (don’t even bother trying, you smug one-t’d bastard). Bring your own space suit (Cohaagen refuses to give his people air). FM Observer and its entities herein are absolved of any transportation casualties after winner has boarded ship. Winner must pass rigorous physical conditioning test prior to departure. No smoking on board spacecraft; vaping OK. Gluten-free rationing available by request. Winner is responsible for his/her own safe return to Earth. Offer valid in continental US only—sorry, Texas.

160-Year-Old Man Shares His Secrets To Longevity

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Sheppy Milton, world’s oldest human and poster child for nanotherapy

News From The Future, March 3, 2116

Austin, TX – Sheppy Milton, the oldest human alive at 160, is terribly reluctant to grant interviews but when he heard that his father and esteemed time traveler Vern Milton made an appearance in our fine publication over 100 years ago, he obliged.

The planet’s oldest man is understandably reclusive. He never answers his doorbell and refuses to acknowledge his worldwide telecommunications interface. We spoke to him via VirtuaSkype from his UltraHouse in Austin, TX.

FMO: So let’s start with the obvious. What is your secret formula for an incredibly long and fruitful existence?

Sheppy: “I’ll tell you, but I must warn you: I’ve heard this question a million times once I turned 120 and as a result, I’ve since mastered every martial art and will kick your ass 40 different ways after this stupid interview is over. Now, to answer your question: Nanotechnology. I was one of the first humans to sell my body to nanotech engineering science. The fine folks at ITT Technical Institute have been injecting me with gene therapy nanobots for nearly 60 years.

FMO: What advantages do you take from enabling microscopic machines to change your cell atoms?

Sheppy: “Very important ones. The nanobots consume and expunge all impurities while simultaneously altering my DNA via a pre-programmed algorithm specific to my genetic code. This technology disables disease and hinders the aging process.”

FMO: Fascinating! What other anti-aging tactics do you employ?

Cryochamber. Every home has one, man.

Cryosleep chamber. Every home has one, man.

Sheppy: “Cryosleep, obviously. Every house nowadays has one, man. This isn’t news! Same shit the astronauts use to travel to Neptune and back. Same shit, except I don’t crank it (the temperature) up as high as they do. I take my nightly nanobot injection, spin up the cryosleep chamber to, oh, roughly 100 below zero and I get in there and preserve for 8 hours. Aging ceases during cryosleep! If you do the math, I’ve added 24 years to my life by cryosleeping every night since the year 2050. The next morning I wake up and pop a limitless pill like everybody else. I’m no different than you.”

FMO: Of all the stuff you’ve seen during your 160 years in America, what do you consider the most amazing?

Sheppy: (without hesitation) “The Kanye West presidency.”

FMO: Do you think you’ll die by natural causes?

Sheppy: “I don’t think so. The technology is so advanced, there’s nothing my body can’t survive. On the contrary, there’s nothing stopping me from getting flattened by a Google SelfBus or being eaten alive by one of the thousands of Ebola-stricken forest zombies Big Government can’t seem to contain. That’s why I stay inside and play Candy Crush Endless Saga all day. No, i’ll live forever unless I were to choke to death on a mouthful of my homegrown genetically-mutated panther jerky. See you in 2216!”