Category Archives: Local

Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination Opens In Downtown Dilworth

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MirrorBar: A major part of the new and improved Howard Dohnson Lodging and Entertainment Destination®

Dilworth, MN – Perhaps you’ve noticed all that construction/reconstruction/deconstruction and goings on at what was once the Howard Johnson Motel in Dilworth? That’s a good eye, you have. The site has undergone significant renovations in recent months, transforming into what is now known as the Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination®, which, for the purposes of this writing, will now be referenced as HD-LED.

MirrorBar also has a meticulously crafted M-shaped bar destined to confuse the dyslexic.

HD-LED brings a one-of-a-kind stay-and-play complete with sleepable rooms and a classy lounge titled MirrorBar. MirrorBar, their main attraction, mainly attracts women and men using enticing visuals. Take this excerpt from one of their TV commercial promos you might’ve seen broadcast on channel 8:

As part of the Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination, MirrorBar invites you to a pleasantly unique nighttime experience featuring a scintillating sequence of reflective surfaces. Sit up, sit down. Sit all around. MirrorBar goes on forever. Stop by and stay on your way out of town. MirrorBar.

Khanton Danzig, Dilworth Planning and Zoning Commissioner, seems excited to have class clientele patronize the town’s new crown jewel. “Just what Dilworth needed: a destination spot that can instantly level the playing field with downtown Moorhead.”

MirrorBar’s happy hour runs 4:00-6:00 every weekday featuring 1/2 price domestics, eight dollar wells and four dollar you-call-its.

International Snow Baron To Finally Visit Fargo

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The mighty Snow Baron, in full garb. I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong: NO, this isn’t the Night King from Game of Thrones. Look closer–It is clearly the Snow Baron.

Fargo, ND – It was only after a mere fifty inches of winter precip that one of the most revered snow gurus alive finally took notice. Baron Von Jeric Tedlam of the Great Siberian North, Biter Of Frost and Freezer Of Vein, has scheduled a visit to our fair city this 10th day of March, on the tail of yet another blizzard.

The Snow Baron plans to revel in a new snowfall during what he now considers a “most insidious” Fargo winter. “Be it a bountiful showing of ice and frost? It beckons for ye Baron. Harken the call of the great snownami: her winds whisper Tedlam.”

No surprise that Siberia claims home to the world’s only Snow Baron.

The Observer plans to welcome the Baron as he makes his triumphant entrance upon his magical Tundra Chariot. If you can’t deal with that, don’t come to the FMO HQ roof top this Sunday at high noon. If he is impressed with our snowiness (which without a doubt he should be) there is speculation that he will hold presidential roost here until the Spring Equinox. Yay.

Area Man Finds Bitcoin In McDonald’s Happy Meal

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If you found one of these in a McDonald’s happy meal, jump up and yell “cowabunga” then try to cash it in on the Darkweb Blockchain. Or, you could wait til bitcoin is worth a few thousand more, then figure it out. Up to you.

Moorhead, MN – Moorhead man Greithan Cutstash considers himself a lucky duck. Now he’s quacking about it.

Lucky enough was Greithan to find what appears to be a genuine bitcoin nestled inside a McDonald’s happy meal he bought for his son, Mance. “Bah gawd, that looks like one a them bit-things I seen about in the news,” he said when he noticed young Mance attempting to feed a large, fancy-looking coin to his dog. Turns out it was, in fact, one of many actual physical bitcoins minted around 2010.

As legend would have it: Some years ago, back when bitcoin was just getting going, McDonald’s tried giving them away in happy meals as a publicity stunt. At that time they were only worth a few cents. When the promotion started, kids were unimpressed to find a useless hunk of metal in with their chicken McNuggets. Parents were equally displeased. Needless to say, the promotion was short-lived and not all those bitcoins were sent out.

Wrick Zapruda. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

The zany story continues: A box of two dozen bitcoins was dispatched in happy meals by a Moorhead McDonald’s very recently. How? How could a small town McD’s be sitting on a veritable digital-to-physical crypto gold mine of sorts? Store manager Bilhelm Noisewater, who chose to remain nameless, claims they found themselves digging through storage for trinkets after running out of happy meal Pokemon a few days ago. What did they find? A box of “fake gold coins” encased in plastic. Perfect! Get those shiny nick-nacks into the happy meals before the shipment of Pokemon arrives tomorrow, he said. And out the drive thru window went roughly (at the time of this writing) $200,000.

So check those happy meal toys! If you notice little Timmy playing with a coin that looks like monopoly money, you could be (at the time of this writing) $8,235.01 richer.

World’s 203rd Fastest Man To Speak At Fargo Track Meet

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<a style="background-color:black;color:white;text-decoration:none;padding:4px 6px;font-family:-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, &quot;San Francisco&quot;, &quot;Helvetica Neue&quot;, Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, &quot;Segoe UI&quot;, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:bold;line-height:1.2;display:inline-block;border-radius:3px;" href="https://unsplash.com/@willpower?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=photographer-credit&amp;utm_content=creditBadge" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="Download free do whatever you want high-resolution photos from William Stitt"><span style="display:inline-block;padding:2px 3px;"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" style="height:12px;width:auto;position:relative;vertical-align:middle;top:-1px;fill:white;" viewBox="0 0 32 32"><title>unsplash-logo</title><path d="M20.8 18.1c0 2.7-2.2 4.8-4.8 4.8s-4.8-2.1-4.8-4.8c0-2.7 2.2-4.8 4.8-4.8 2.7.1 4.8 2.2 4.8 4.8zm11.2-7.4v14.9c0 2.3-1.9 4.3-4.3 4.3h-23.4c-2.4 0-4.3-1.9-4.3-4.3v-15c0-2.3 1.9-4.3 4.3-4.3h3.7l.8-2.3c.4-1.1 1.7-2 2.9-2h8.6c1.2 0 2.5.9 2.9 2l.8 2.4h3.7c2.4 0 4.3 1.9 4.3 4.3zm-8.6 7.5c0-4.1-3.3-7.5-7.5-7.5-4.1 0-7.5 3.4-7.5 7.5s3.3 7.5 7.5 7.5c4.2-.1 7.5-3.4 7.5-7.5z"></path></svg></span><span style="display:inline-block;padding:2px 3px;">William Stitt</span></a>

Clarent Bippen, 203rd Fastest human on the planet. Kinda hard to track down someone this fast. William Stitt

Fargo, ND – The F-M Observer continues to bring you scrumptious news du jour. Today, we briefly chronicle a visit from of one of the top sprinters currently walking running the Earth. Clarent Bippen, the officially ranked 203rd Fastest Man On The Planet, will speak to a group of aspiring sprinters at this year’s Fargo Track Meet.

We tried to get Mr. 200, but he was busy giving a sprinting gait seminar in Kalamazoo, Michigan. 201 was competing in a 3-legged race with 202 and so oh, well, we’re stuck with 203.

Bippen will talk to runners about what it takes to be one of the almost best. What it means to be ranked fairly high and how he got there. He’ll wax ecstatic about the ins/outs forwards/backwards of running then wax poetic about cracking the top 300 fastest humans alive barrier. Then he’ll probably blather on about shoe tread and whatnot. “Keep it on the straight and narrow” he’ll probably say. *yawn*

Someday he aims to crack the top 200, perhaps even compete in a national tournament. But, until then, he’s going as fast as he can towards wherever there’s a finish line. Wherever the road race takes him. Wherever literally anyone asks him to come talk about running for a bit.

MSUM Drama Student Comes Out As Thespian

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Xinthia Kaswa, thespian, seen here playing the titular lead role for the popular MSUM musical Hannah Silverpot, a confusing tale about a deranged teen who won’t put down a silver pot containing her granny’s ashes.

Moorhead, MN – When she heard the news that fmobserver.com was back online, MSUM Drama student Xinthia Kaswa immediately came to us with a dilemma. What she told us couldn’t be easily understood at first listen. This is mostly because of the way Xinthia talks.

Xinthia is one of a select few drama students who talks with a lisp.

It was with great difficulty we transcribed a brief interview with Xinthia for your amusement:

FMO: When you came out to your family, how did they react?
Xinthia: I didn’t “come out”, jethuth christht. Anyway, my father pretty muth lotht it. He thaid ‘no daughter of mine ith gonna be no lethpian’. He wath irate. Nothing I could thay to thway him! My mom wathn’t tho upthet. Thee thaid that thee exthpermented a bit in college and that i’d grow out of it. They didn’t get it.

FMO: What happened next?
Xinthia: I left. My dad was tho pithed, he kicked me out. I tried to exthplain but the thit head kicked me out.

FMO: You came to us to set the record straight. You want your family and peers to know you’re not lesbian, but instead thespian. Is that right?
Xinthia: Yeth. I’m not lethbian, i’m thethbian, for pete’th thake.

FMO: Xinthia, I feel the need to inform you that the two terms seem interchangeable when you phrase it that way. This may be why your ‘rents are confused.
Xinthia: Thut up.

Area Man Says He Can 3-D Print Your Bitcoin

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Bitcoin. Money, we guess.

Fargo, ND – For a non-nominal fee, an area man will turn your crypto-currency into physical currency for you to spend willfully on the black market or anywhere else they recognize this monopoly money. 

Cryptocurrency, which is somehow tradeable, exists on a metaphysical dataplane known as the blockchain. That might all sound utterly baffling, but not to area man Wrick Zaprudia. He’s got a handle on this cyber hustle and says he can convert that blockchained crypto into actual physical currency. 

Wrick Zaprudia. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

When asked how in the blue hell this printer can possibly convert crypto-coin into spendable money, Zaprudia went on a garbled data-tangent none of us here at FM Observer could completely grasp. “Without getting too technical–because your 20th-century brain probably can’t decipher it–it works like this. My 3D printer de-hashes your blockchained crypto-ledger into calculable ones and zeros. These codes, or bits as they are more commonly known, get fed into my printer’s 3-dimensional dot-matrix and converted into bit………..coin. Got it? Or should I start over? That’ll be $781.50.”

Once your bitcoin is produced, you can then make a laughable attempt to spend it at your local gas station or department store but I bet they’ll look at you like you are from the planet Bitcoinia. Your crypto-money is no good here you kook, they’ll say. I can’t change one bitcoin. Dead presidents or get out of my store.

At the time of this publication, one Bitcoin is somehow worth an inconceivable $11154.23.

 

Prehistoric Rabbit Femur Located In West Fargo

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Prehistoric Gargantuan Arctic Hare femur adored by Beavis the beagle.

West Fargo, ND – What was once the territory of the Gargantuan Arctic Hare is now the coveted land of homebuyers and builders residing in points West. This truth was revealed to excavators during a foundation dig in what is now known as Eaglewood.

Homebuilders Cheirly and Grigg Milkshifter purchased land there with the intention to build. Little did they know what lied beneath tied their plot to the paleolithic era. The backhoe blade carved out a prized archaeological find: A five-foot long, 287-pound Gargantuan Arctic Hare femur that their dog Beavis is infatuated with.

The Milkshifters now know those prehistoric remnants remain. When confronted by the Archaeological Survey Society, or ASS as they are more commonly known, Grigg Milkshifter declared eminent domain over this now sacret plot of land.

“Those ASS people told me I had to leave here ‘n sell. I said nope sir we’re letting Beavis sniff around, see what he finds. ASS can shove it up their ass. Maybe he’ll dig up a giant squirrel pelvis next.”

So if you’re looking to settle down in the far western reaches of town, know that you’re disrupting what is likely a big wooly rabbit mass grave.

 

Eddie Money Cover Band ‘Edward Currency’ To Open For Eddie Money

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Edward Currency. Will they steal the show from Eddie Money?

Mahnomen, MN – An upcoming tour stop for classic rock icon Eddie Money could get even more interesting than it previously was with a last-minute addition to the show’s lineup. The scheduled opening act being forced to bail left the promoters with a split-second decision to make. Lo and behold, did anyone expect this gift from above to fall right into our lap? An Eddie Money cover band volunteered to fill the slot!

Two for the price of one is the theme for Friday night’s show. The fill-in band, named Edward Currency, is an Eddie Money cover band from Eagan. They will rock you, they say, even better than the real thing.

“Shakin'”, “Two Tickets to Paradise” and “Take Me Home Tonight” will likely be performed twice in the same evening by two different-yet-similar bands, in essence an awkward competition.

Edward Currency lead singer Rabe Corpio calls this a dream come true. “Getting to perform our idol’s songs, before our idol, on the same night as our idol. This is my dream. This is my moment. These tears you see, they are tears of joy as my soul is now completely devoid of sorrow. Tomorrow, my mark on the world will be made, etched in stone amongst the annals of rock and roll cover band elite.”

The main man seemed dubious over this strange turn of events. “Let them try,” A curious and brooding Eddie Money replied when asked about the possibility of being upshown by his doppelgangers.

Deja vu will likely be in widespread attendance tomorrow at the Shooting Star. Tickets for this extraordinary event are still on sale.

Fargo American Idol Audition Winner Lied About Age

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Lamina Ceroid. Wowed the crowd, loud and proud.

Fargo, ND – Auditions for the hit game show American Idol took a pit stop in Fargo today with much ado. Both young and old, women and men from parts known and unknown came forth to profess their talents to a small array of judges, expecting to change their careers and lives for the better.

The minimum age limit is 15. The maximum age limit is 28. But, to competitor Lamina Ceroid age ain’t nothin but a number and her effort has no limit. A what was purported 28-year-old Montana resident stormed the Idol stage at Marriot in Fargo this morning around 10:47 to give what was (regarded by many) a heartfelt rendition of Culture Club’s hit single Do You Really Want To Hurt Me. Man, did she slay! 

Judges were so overtaken by Lamina’s performance that they pronounced her the winner on the spot. However, there is a but. But, Lamina Ceroid might have gently lied about her identity. In fact, she lied completely about her age. The self-glossed 28-year-old is actually a 67-year-old female from Malibu whose actual name has been withheld to protect the innocent.

Not so ironically, all letters in the name Lamina Ceroid can be re-arranged to spell AMERICAN IDOL. Coincidence? We think not.

Area Man Cancels Plan To Follow Solar Eclipse Across United States Using Solar-Powered Jetpack

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Viddio Burstweiler, Scientist. PhD in Aerotronics, doctorate in Aeronautics.

Fargo, ND – Area mad scientist Viddio Burstweiler wanted to be the first man to traverse a solar eclipse’s entire path of totality as the moon followed it. He noticed that the moon’s umbral shadow will take a “leisurely” trek across the entire United States, covering 2,496 miles in just 90.7 minutes, whizzing by at an average speed of 1,651 mph. This was an attainable mark for his homemade jetpack.

One major setback, however, was that his jetpack is solar-powered.

Path Of Totality®

“I had all the knobs tweaked and I’s dotted until I realized the moon would be between me and the source of my device’s power.”

The Observer caught wind of Vid’s masterplan weeks ago but, like Vid, failed to realize the fatal flaw in his logic until he canceled an August 18th follow-up interview due to this unforeseen circumstance. That is why we didn’t say anything to him at the time.

Looks like he blew it bigly. The next total eclipse isn’t until 2024 at which point most every human will (unfortunately for Vid) be equipped with a nuclear fusion jetpack and be fully capable of traversing the Path Of Totality quite easily themselves.