Category Archives: Local

Giant Rabbits Are Taking Over Fargo

Pest or potential pet?

Pest or potential pet?

Fargo, ND – The rabbit population in Fargo-Moorhead is spiraling dangerously out of control. The herbivore hare is making its presence known to the point of them becoming a cuddly-wuddly new pest in our area.

These stuffed-animals-come-to-life are migrating to a shrub near you. What were once only seen on a rare occasion have now become an everyday event as rabbits roam free throughout town; darting in and out of bushes near sidewalks and city streets.

Fargo resident Lindsey Goetz has witnessed the epidemic firsthand:

“Bunnies are taking over Fargo. They are as big as medium-sized dogs.”

West Fargo resident and friend of animals Cody Marthaller is a proud contributor to the issue of overpopulation:

“True story. I have four jackrabbits bigger than small dogs visit my backyard. I’m probably the reason for such rapid breeding from all the food they are eating from my backyard.”

The larger-sized rabbits are getting aggressive—competing with squirrels for real estate. They can be overheard facing down the tree rats; barking at them like some kind of possessed Easter mascot.

I found this little rascal hopping around on a sidewalk outside the Atomic Coffee in Moorhead. He seemed to have either lost his way or had been kicked out of his nest for being a runt 🙁

Small at first...

Small at first…

If this isn’t an adorably cute indication that the rabbit population is out of hand, I don’t know what is.

The Observer urges you to take in one (or twelve) of these furry friends as a means to combat this fun-sized, adorable issue. Feed them crickets and grass. Pet them and hug them (if you dare). Love them. But remember: if these wild animals feel cornered, they become surprisingly defensive and violent. Happy hunting!

Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints

policedog2pm1Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be implementing a system of mandatory alcohol checkpoints to make it virtually impossible to leave the downtown area without getting sniffed by a police dog.

According to the new Police Downtown Checkpoint Task Force, there will literally be “no way” to exit the heart of the downtown Fargo area without ending up having your vehicle searched and your body probed.

Not only will the latest technology be used to hunt down drunk drivers, but keen police smell-dogs will be used to decide if you’re heading to jail.

Police officers have also been trained in special interrogation techniques effectively used by the FBI in its war against domestic terrorism.

“We realize this could really hurt the downtown bar businesses, but isn’t it worth it if we prevent just one accident?” said an anonymous police spokesperson.

City officials believe that this new initiative should also help with the POP program (Plenty Of Parking) because up until now, all agree that POP has been a miserable failure.

“By discouraging all those party people from coming downtown for a ‘good time’, we should have ample parking available for non-drinking decent citizens.”

Of course, there will be a few special groups of people that will be exempt from these on-going mandatory personal intrusions. All city commissioners, police, politicians, government employees, and catholic priests will not be subject to these new permanent checkpoints.

For all others, remember to avoid the downtown area from now on, if you want to have some fun and not end up doing time.

State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand

Insane Asylum

Welcome back! We were expecting to see you again.

Jamestown, ND – The State Hospital in Jamestown, ND will be having a Grand Re-Opening soon. After being closed for decades due to political incorrectness, the State Insane Asylum will be resuming operations due to a large spike in demand. Authorities have noticed a sudden growth in the population of crazies in the region.

“Jamestown’s infamous State Hospital is the perfect facility to house them all”, explains Dr. Semor Tranzelvit. “The buildings are in adequate condition and will need no updating or refurbishing from their previous years of service”, believes Dr. Transzelvit.

He goes on to explain that patients will be grouped according to their personal challenges. “All the schizophrenics will be housed together, as will the lunatics, the manic-depressives, the liberals, and the just-plain-crazies.”

Lunches will be force-fed along with usual daily state-of-the-art shock treatments. Just by coming here, all patients automatically agree to be subjects of advanced experimental testing, which is how they can earn extra snack credits.

Jamestown will once again become the location of one of the most progressive insane asylums in the Upper Midwest.

If you think you might need the special attention a facility like this can provide, please call 1-800-ME-CRAZY and answer a few simple questions from one of the friendly staff associates.

UND Announcer Actually Suspended For Making Blunt Observation

6275360206_4b98ee148d_zGrand Forks, ND – In a tale that made national headlines in Bristol, CT via ESPN dot com, University of North Dakota men’s basketball play-by-play voice Paul Ralston was suspended for offering a piece of ACTUAL CANDID INSIGHT on what took place during a home game. Ralston was yanked for 2 games after calling what happened with the Sioux a “choke job” during a post-loss interview with the hoops team head coach.

If you’ll remember, Minnesota Twins commentator Bert Blyleven received very similar punishment (5 games suspended, which is a much smaller percentage of the season) for eliciting not one, but TWO consecutive mega-F-bombs live on the air during a big league baseball broadcast.

Bert cussed loudly and to a far-reaching audience, not realizing he was live on air. Paul made a simple observation with the use of widely-known sports slang terminology knowing that he was being heard by the masses and realizing that this is not a thing anyone involved in sports should ever be punished for.

The Observer did not bother reaching out to UND brass for comment, as this story pretty much speaks for itself.

This news comes not as a shock, but a glaring misrepresentation of what the United States Constitution calls “freedom of expression” somewhere in one of those silly amendments people often forget exist.

What Came First: The Bad Driver or the Blizzard?

How did this happen?

How did this happen?

Fargo, ND – Every year at this time Old Man Winter flexes his bulging biceps. Snowmageddon wreaks havoc on us all during blizzard season. We give the blizzard a snow prediction, a warning, even a name.

Weather is happening sideways this month, striking angst and fear into the F-M area. Fear that turns to recklessness behind the wheel as we watch multiple-car pileups happen on our highways. Drivers get dumber with each passing snowstorm…or do they? Does the blizzard make us dumber or were we just that dumb to begin with? Let’s break it down…

Inclement weather causes some of us to panic. Panic makes us overreact. When we overreact, we over-correct things. Over-correcting leads to mistakes which lead to accidents while driving.

THEREFORE: Weather=car accidents. Weather caused the stupidity that caused the accident.

HOWEVER: One could argue that the person who overreacted was a horrible driver to begin with. One could say that the snowstorm was merely the jolt they needed to completely lose it and spin out into a ditch.

“You should’ve slowed down! Don’t you know any better??”

NO. They made a small series of poor driving decisions in a short amount of time due to a preexisting condition of poor judgement.

big beard = real smart

big beard = real smart

Two totally different arguments. On one hand, the weather caused you to wreck. On the other hand, poor judgement caused you to wreck. Which argument is correct? Who or what can we blame for that multiple-car pileup?

To find the answers, we asked a guy with a beard:

“People are inherently stupid. The amount of intelligence a person possesses is directly related to the amount in which they choose to learn. So, you see, the answer lies within you. Let me see your palm. Here. Eat this. It will give you the truth you desire.”

Beardo gave me what looked and smelled like illegal drugs.

So there you have it. There is no right or wrong answer− the truth lies within each and every one of us. Those are some words to live by.

Fargo Man Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower

Maximizing time and efficiency!

Maximizing time and efficiency!

Fargo, ND – Local resident Todd Fox has been detained for “reckless endangerment” and “illegal use of high-powered fire-breathing weaponry” for attacking snow with his flamethrower. Fox reportedly became so fed up with the week-long blowing snow epidemic in his area that he decided to KILL IT WITH FIRE.

The neighborhood was treated with quite a show last night as Fox unleashed an inferno upon the mountainous snow palace that was his front yard. Neighbors to his immediate right and left noticed a bright orange cloud and could hear what they thought was “puff the magic dragon spewing mayhem all over hell,” which prompted one of them to notify police.

Fox stated that he was simply “fed up with battling the elements” and that he did not possess the willpower necessary to move “four billion tons of white bull shit.”

Police say that Fox surrendered his efforts immediately upon their arrival and that his front yard “looked like a hydrogen bomb had gone off.” They think he was just happy to be done with snow removal, even if it did mean a trip to jail.

New North Dakota License Plate Ideas

Fargo, ND – There has been much deliberation regarding efforts to project a new state image after a proposal to change the state name was shot down. Now, state legislators are batting around an idea to try redesigning the state license plate.

The current design depicts a quaint view of the summertime prairie, with a buffalo grazing in peaceful solitude:

Not accurate at all, as the climate in ND is at least 60/40 cold & shitty to warm and inviting

Not accurate at all, as the climate in ND is at least 60/40 cold & shitty to warm and inviting

Legislators brought the idea of change to the table after one of the good old boys took a gander at that aged design and thought, “A might bit sick of seeing this on all the cars. Doesn’t look right anymore.” Now they are weighing the cost of such a redesign as well as possible ideas for a new slogan.

Ideas for a new slogan, you say? The Observer can help with that. Here are a handful of slogans we’d like to see grace the top of the North Dakota license plate:

  • “The Earth Is A Giant Snowball” – Winter seems to be literally endless, with an inches-thick sheet of snowpack covering every inch of the ground.
  • “We Have More Budget Money Than You” – Enough money to spend millions on a license plate redesign, that’s for sure.
  • “Land Of 10 Bazillion Oil Barrels” – Like Minnesota’s slogan “Land of 10,000 Lakes” but cuz of all the black gold they’re sucking out of the ground.
  • “Best Fracking State In The Union” – This slogan truly speaks for itself.
  • “If Winter Doesn’t Kill You, The Flood Will” – Because on a yearly basis, we do battle with both. Every year. Every year, the Earth literally tries to murder you.

Residents are brainstorming ideas for this proposed change as we speak. Some are good, some are not so good. If you’d like to submit your license plate idea to the Observer, please list it in the comments section below or on our facebook page at facebook.com/FMObserver. Submissions are always welcome!

NPR article/interview: Best Fracking State In the Union

Interview With Max Cavalera of SOULFLY


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If you’re familiar at all with the underground metal community, you’ve heard of Max Cavalera. He’s been hard at work writing and performing his own brand of ferocious, unapologetic heavy metal for almost 30 years.

This month he takes his band SOULFLY on the road through North America. They will be accompanied by his stepson Richie Cavalera’s band INCITE and his sons Igor and Zyon Cavalera’s band LODY KONG. The “Maximum Cavalera Tour” makes its stop in Fargo on February 27th at the House of Rock. I caught up with Max to get his insight on the upcoming tour and his most recent SOULFLY album:

LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW HERE: Max_Cavalera_Interview_2122013

Nick Hirchert: Thanks for taking some time to talk with me. You’ve got less than a week until you hit the road again…

Max Cavalera: We actually leave tomorrow. We start the tour tomorrow in San Diego. We’re very excited about the Maximum Cavalera Tour. The whole family on tour again. It’s gonna be great, man, we’ve got Zyon playing drums for SOULFLY which is gonna keep it more in the family. We’ve got a killer setlist prepared. A lot of great songs. It’s good to be back on the road again. I’m just excited to be back on the road. It’s been too long, if you ask me.

Nick: Fantastic. When was the last time you played a show?

Max: Two months ago I was in South America with CAVALERA CONSPIRACY with my brother Igor and before that, I was with SOULFLY in Europe. About five months ago we did a big European tour, so, it’s about time to get back on the road here. I gotta ask you, is it cold there? Like real cold?

Nick: (laughs) You don’t wanna know, man! 

Max: Oh, yeah, I wanna know! (laughs)

Nick: It snowed so bad a couple days ago that they had to shut the entire city down the following day. 

Max: Holy crap!

Nick: It was a disaster!

Max: Wow. So, I better get some warm clothes then, huh?

Nick: Yeah, bring a parka if you’ve got it, maybe some long underwear… (laughs)

Max: Whoa, yeah, I am packing right now, so…after this interview I gotta go pack! (laughs)

Nick: The Maximum Cavalera tour follows up the release of your newest album “Enslaved”. What can you tell us about the new record? Is this Soulfly as we’ve come to know it or are there new innovations to your band’s sound?

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Max: “Enslaved” was a big step forward for SOULFLY. It was a heavier record, a very extreme kind of record. Some of the stuff even sounds like death metal which is really cool. I’ve been listening to a lot of stuff like that, bands like I DECLARE WAR, MOLOTOV SOLUTION, ACACIA STRAIN, PSYCROPTIC. So I wanted to make a heavier record because i’ve been into a lot of this new heavy kind of stuff and, of course, my love for death metal goes way back to the SEPULTURA days, so it was really kind of cool to make a record like that. I think it surprised a lot of fans who didn’t expect it.

We’re gonna open the show with “Plata O Plomo” this time, which is totally different. It’s a song that Tony and I sing in Spanish and Portuguese. That’s gonna be really cool and different. I’m really looking forward to this tour. We’re gonna play songs from all the SOULFLY records, even some SEPULTURA stuff and NAILBOMB which is a project I did with a lot of people. I got to dig up some different SEPULTURA songs to play, like “Straighthate” which is the first song I worked on when I did the “Roots” record. My son, Zyon wanted to play “Straighthate” during the set, so I think it’s gonna be great, man. It’s gonna be fun having the whole family on stage with me.

Nick: You have three sons (stepson Richie: INCITE, sons Igor and Zyon: LODY KONG) touring with you in their respective bands for this round of dates. How would you best describe their style of music?

Max: INCITE is more like LAMB OF GOD which is really great. I love that kind of style. I love that energetic kind of metal. It’s also melodic with really cool guitars on it and Richie is a killer frontman. I think he does a really great job. LODY KONG is completely different from everything else. They’re kind of like FUDGE TUNNEL, like THE MELVINS or MASTODON. Punk-metal, kind of heavy. I am so proud that both bands are completely different from what I do. That’s what I think is cool about our family’s bands. LODY KONG and INCITE sound nothing like SOULFLY and we’re all together on the same tour. That is gonna make the whole package different.

Nick: I agree. I’m really looking forward to it. You’ve got a pretty decent mix here and you keep it all in the family, so that’s excellent. “Enslaved” contains a song titled ‘Revengeance’  that credits contributions from you, Richie, Igor and Zyon. How did that song come about?

Max: There was an idea to do a family song. We decided to write about their brother Dana who was murdered in 1996. It has really deep, heartful lyrics. Each one of us wrote our own verses for the song and we’re all singing the chorus together. It was a very special day in the studio and the song turned out really killer. I love the energy of it, and it’s one of my favorite parts of the SOULFLY show when we all come together and do ‘Revengeance’ because it’s the end of the set. I see a lot of people taking pictures when I do that song. It’s great. We play that every night. I’m looking forward to the tour. I can’t stay home that much. If I stay home for more than 2 weeks I go crazy! I feel at home when i’m on the road, man, the road is my home. I love it. I’ve been on the road for 30 years now doing this shit. You get used to it, become addicted. I still love touring. Going from city to city, meeting the fans, playing the show, watching out the window of the tour bus. All that is part of the great experience of being on the road.

Nick: In the past, you’ve collaborated in-studio with some of the biggest names in rock. Did anyone lend their talents to the new album?

Max: Yeah, with SOULFLY, every record has at least 2 people from bands that I like. On the new record we had Travis from CATTLE DECAPITATION on “World Scum” which is a heavy, heavy song and there was a song with Dez (Fafara) from DEVILDRIVER. I know Dez from back in his COAL CHAMBER days. They used to tour with SEPULTURA. Dez is a great guy. We did “Redemption of Man By God” which is a religious kind of song. The next record that i’m working on in the studio later this year i’m recording with Terry Date, who is a great producer who did work with SOUNDGARDEN, WHITE ZOMBIE, PANTERA. I’m so excited to actually work on a whole record with him. That’s gonna come out next year and have 2 other guests. I don’t know who they are yet. It’s a blessing to be able to do these collaborations.

Nick: That’s very unique, to be able to share your talents in studio.

Max: I’m not competing with anybody. To me, it’s more about sharing the love of your music with your friends. That’s what’s great about being a musician. We are all a part of something. Metal unites everybody, from here to Singapore, to Japan, to Indonesia. Metal is metal. When you see someone with a black shirt and camouflage pants in the airport, you know this guy is metal so you can say ‘what’s up’, you know? That’s what’s great about it and what I love about collaborations. I get to work with my favorite people. Bands like CATTLE DECAPITATION–that’s not a huge band, but I love their music. They don’t need to be as big as METALLICA to work with me.

Nick: You recently made an appearance on the video game Grand Theft Auto IV by way of some downloadable content; DJ-ing for the “Blood Fire War Hate Death Metal Show” featured on one of the in-game radio stations. What was that like?

Max: It was great. I got to be a DJ on a radio station so I got to play a lot of my old favorite death metal songs I grew up with in the 80s and 90s. I play a lot of ENTOMBED, MORBID ANGEL, CARCASS, NAPALM DEATH, KREATOR. A lot of stuff that young kids today don’t know about. Without those bands, there wouldn’t be newer stuff like SUICIDE SILENCE and LAMB OF GOD–they all came from these kind of bands. I don’t really play video games much myself, but it was fun to be part of it, to be invited to do that.

Nick: With Soulfly, you put forth a very unique sound with Brazilian influence, what one could call tribal metal. Songs about war and fighting oppression. What would you say inspires your songwriting?

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Max: Through the years it started with SEPULTURA, the album “Arise” (1990) was the first time we kind of did that. There’s a jungle intro on “Arise” for the song “Altered State”. After that, we got more interested in Brazilian, started listening to more of our native sounds. We thought it’d be cool to mix metal with tribal rhythm. Not a lot of people were doing that back then so it was kind of unique. We were pioneers of it, and it felt cool to do it. “Roots” (1996) was big. We did that in a big way. We recorded with a tribe in Brazil, did an amazing collaboration with a real tribe in Brazil. It was so awesome. When I did “Soulfly I” (self-titled album, 1998) I continued the Brazilian element. I was working with the guys from CHICO SCIENCE on that record. I really like the style that came out on “Soulfly I” and it continued, but through the years I didn’t want to repeat myself. I kept looking for different things. That’s why I did albums like “Prophecy” and “Dark Ages” that were more thrash, heavier. Then “Enslaved” which is more death metal just because I always wanted to keep doing something different.

Nick: I understand you’re putting together an autobiography? Can you give us an update on that?

Max: Yeah, i’ve been working on it the last 2 years, man. It’s been great, been a lot of work. Nonstop interviews. It’s going to be very, very detailed. Stories from childhood, the creation of SEPULTURA, then the creation of SOULFLY to everything i’ve been through. There’s some funny stuff, like Lemmy (Kilmister) pouring whiskey on my head. I call that my “baptism”. I said I was baptized by Lemmy when he did that. Of course, he was doing that to get rid of me (laughs). There’s a lot of fun stuff like that. Interviews with a lot of cool people in bands. Tom Araya, Chino from DEFTONES, Sean Lennon, Sharon Osborne. The introduction of the book is gonna be done by Dave Grohl. He loves “Roots” as one of his favorite records ever. It’s gonna come out before the end of the year. I can’t wait for people to read it. It explains a lot of facts people don’t know about me, like why I really left SEPULTURA. The real reason behind it.

Nick: You’ve been writing and performing heavy metal music pretty consistently since the mid 80s. What advice would you give to any musicians eager to follow in your footsteps?

Max: I think first thing, you’ve got to love what you do because it’s a hard road. I still, even today…we’re not millionaires. Nobody makes millions of dollars. We do this because we love it. We struggle like a lot of people do, you know. We have garage sales and shit like that at my house to try to make ends meet, man, especially now that people don’t buy CDs. It became harder and harder in music, but you survive just getting by. It’s the love of music. It’s your joy. For me, when I grab my guitar and write riffs, it’s a great feeling. I get satisfied just doing that and when I know that thousands of people are gonna hear that on record that gets me excited to do more and to keep doing it. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. It’s been amazing. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I’ve been blessed to be in a famous band, SEPULTURA, then got out of there and got to be successful with the 2nd band. Not many people have had that chance. Most people just get one shot, but I had a 2nd shot with SOULFLY and took it and made it through. It’s a lot of hard work, man. You’ve got to be committed. Got to be ready to do everything; ready to do what the other person will not. That’s what makes the difference between making it or not; you’ve got to be ready to do the things the other person will not do.

The Maximum Cavalera Tour hits the House of Rock at the Hub in Fargo on 2/27. BUY TICKETS HERE

Stay in touch with Max and his band SOULFLY:

Official site: www.soulfly.com

On Twitter: 

Facebook fan page: facebook.com/SOULFLY

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity

PIE1pm1

Our pies taste as good as they look.

Pie Town, NM – Franchise opportunity possibilities are available for interested and motivated persons.

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation wants to soon open a store in your neighborhood.

The PPSFOC is looking for pie-loving people to partner for profit.

All pies are sold for their trade-marked price of $3.14159, plus tax.

To keep costs down, most of the help is done by pie-loving “volunteers” who offer their time and efforts (until they find out they’re not getting paid).

Due to the low price point, tips are accepted and even encouraged, much appreciated and almost mandatory.

At all of the franchised Professional Pie Shoppes, the types of pies that are available for sale make the full alphabetical circle, from A to Z:

Apple Ala Mode Pie
Blueberry Best Pie
Cherry Sex Pie
Dorm Party Pie
Enchilada Mexi-Pie
Fruitcake Fun Pie
Green Goblin Key Lime Pie
Huckleberry Finn Pie
Iguana Wanna Eat Pie
Jack Horner Little Pie
Kiwi Klondike Krazy Pie
Lemon Bon Bon Pie
Muggle Mud Pie
Nutritional High Pie
Oprah Chocolate Pie
Personal Pecan Pie
Quince Jellystone Pie
Red Rum Spicy Pie
Sam Shepard Pie
Turkish Coffee Pie
Unicorn Horny Pie
Very Vampire Pie
Willy’s Wonka Pie
Xtra Xcellent Pie
Yucca Yam Pie
Zebra Mussel Pie

If interested in starting your own clone of the original Professional Pie Shoppe, simply leave a comment to this post, or google the “Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation”. Once you’ve somehow made contact with the corporate offices, ask for Carla and tell her you want to “partner for profit”.

West Acres Tunnel Fargo

Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads

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In Fargo, tunnels just make a heck of a lot of sense.

Fargo, ND – In a last-ditch effort to save downtown Fargo, smart city planners are planning a federally-funded feasibility study to investigate the likely possibility of connecting struggling downtown Fargo to the ever-popular West Acres area through a complicated system of underground tunnels.

These tunnels would be both walkable and drivable and also include a drive-thru petting zoo along with a large underground drive-thru food court serving everything from tacos to lefse to zebra mussels.

Mitchal Graham, the city’s long-time Food Czar, is quite sure that the demand for lefse in this quirky northern area is perhaps maybe comparable to that of tacos, even on Taco Tuesdays. Mitch continues: “We also discovered a wonderful Russian recipe for zebra mussels, which now seem to be in plentiful supply locally.”

After multiple set-backs in their long-fought efforts to save the metro region from frequent 500-year floods, top city leaders say it’s time for a diversion to The Diversion.

Rather than continuing fruitless work to route Fargo-Moorhead’s flood-prone Red River around West Fargo’s nifty Sheyenne Diversion system, “We are going to have a little fun and try changing horses midstream”, says council-person Stone Chatman.

“All of a sudden, the boring FM flood diversion project has turned into a way more fun project that will finally connect the weird Downtown crowd with the more up-scale West Acres shoppers”, Stone explains.

When axed about the process that led to changing horses mid-stream, it was explained to our FMO website by a “real person” who wanted to remain under a total cloak of anonymity, that going through the whole slow process of having meetings and discussions that go off on long tangents, answering stupid questions from citizens who know nothing, and then finally voting a simple “yea” or “nay”, all sometimes leads to ultra-stupid solutions that make absolutely no sense what-so-ever.

“Sometimes you just have to follow your gut feelings and just do something spontaneous that you know is right for the community”, our cloaked annonymous informant whispered.

As for the Zebra Mussel recipe, continue to follow this trust-worthy website for all the latest details about how you too can turn an aquatic nuisance species into a delectable dish fit for a president.