Category Archives: Local

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Man Proposes To Girlfriend at The Northern. Proceed To Eat Dinner By Ordering Some Fried Chicken.

The Northern Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – The magic of love and commitment can be had anywhere.  That anywhere happened to be the Northern Gentlemen’s club located in Fargo, North Dakota this past Thursday.

Amongst the smell of fish, piss, perfume, and sweat, love is in the air.  Disco Dan, as he’s known on the street, finally manned up and proposed to his dancer girlfriend of 2 long weeks.  Disco Dan didn’t plan it.  In fact it was a spur of moment idea.

Dan was on a date with his girlfriend at the Northern, enjoying a few beers.  In fact his girlfriend is a frequent and regular dancer here.  After seeing his girlfriend slide up and down the grease pole, shaking her booty, he started to get an idea.  But it was only after seeing a five dollar bill sticking inbetween her asshole and a thin piece of string called a thong that the idea of marriage seemed like a good idea.

Dan then got up from his sticky bar seat, reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out a ring he had been carrying with him since he won it at the local Walmart vending machine.  He took the ring out of its protective plastic bubble, put it on his girlfriends hand while she was motor boating a local patron and asked the magic words, “Will you marry me?”

After putting her ass cheeks into the face of the man giving her money, she said, “YES!”

When Dan’s future wife was done dancing, the two proceeded to celebrate their new engagement by ordering fried chicken for dinner.  A wedding date has yet to be scheduled.

 

walmart

Crappy Christmas gift return lines already forming outside Wal Mart

2012 Presidental Election Romney Loss WalmartFargo, ND – Not even a handful of hours after Aunt Edna gave you that putrid, two-sizes-too-small sweater for Christmas, you are ready to return it for cash. Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Edna’s purse, you scrooge!? Ugly socks, pajama pants, Crocs, Just For Men, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Wally World eager to trade in their crap for money.

Long lines have begun to form outside of your neighborhood Wal Mart, as is holiday shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:

Emily, 16-
“I am NOT a size 4. I am EASILY a size 3, or a 2 on a good day. I can’t wear this!”

Ron, 46-
“Apparently the wife thinks my hair is greying or whatever. That’s bull. I have a perfectly natural look going.”

Adam, 33-
“This jacket won’t get me laid. It looks like something a street urchin would wear.”

These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for Wal Mart so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Wednesday”. The Observer can only hope they don’t get caught up in a money-hungry Black Friday-esque stampede that we Americans are notorious for.

For the rest of you, we wish you Happy Holidays! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gift!

Pimp Academy opening in downtown Fargo

Fargo, ND – A young, flashy entrepreneur is bringing his tacky-yet-unapologetic business local. Ricky Duffman, CFO of Vandelay Industries, (the developer of a very lucrative smartphone app) has taken to the streets of lonely old Fargo to chase his ultimate dream. What is his ultimate dream, you ask? The proliferation of Pimp Nation. Duffman is getting the paperwork together to open Fargo’s first and only Pimp Academy.

Bishop Duff’s Academy of Pimp, or B-DAP as it shall be known henceforth, will be a come-one-come-all school of Pimpology. According to Duffman, B-DAP will provide a series of learning seminars geared to educate eager, young, inexperienced pimps. It will not only be aimed at street pimps, but pimps of a different nature. Mr. Duffman breaks it down:

“I’m gonna be educatin’ peeps young and old on how to best pimp. Don’t matter if you wanna pimp hoes, your friends, or your job and whatnot. Pimps wear many different hats. Bill Gates? He’s a pimp. Bishop Don Magic Juan? Also a pimp. Hillary Clinton? Huge pimp. See, pimpin’ ain’t only about hoes anymore. Pimpin’ is all around us.”

Duffman is all set to move in to the vacant suite across from the Subway in downtown Fargo. The Observer would like to wish Duffman best of luck with his new business and the proliferation of Pimp Nation.

DECEMBER 2012 EVENT CALENDAR: What’s happening in December

Fargo, ND – Here is a list of F-M Observer sponsored events and happenings taking place in the area this December.

Saturday, December 8th:

MOVEMBER MUSTACHE CONTEST: DON’T SHAVE YET! SHOW OFF YOUR CHARITY-INSPIRED GRILL COVER AT OUR 1ST ANNUAL “MOVEMBER MUSTACHE GROWING CONTEST”. ‘STACHE JUDGES WILL BE ON HAND TO RULE ON WINNERS. AWARDS WILL BE HANDED OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING CATEGORIES: STRENGTH, LENGTH, FLAVOR SAVER, CURL FACTOR. FREE HAT.

Wednesday, December 12th:

WINTERIZE YOUR SOUL: BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!! INSULATE AND APPRECIATE. LOCALLY-RENOWNED SPEAKER WILLIAM HUDSON WILL OUTLINE HIS 3-POINT PLAN ON HOW BEST TO PREPARE FOR THE WINTER SEASON. LEARN HOW TO SHUN YOUR NEEDS AND PROCRASTINATE BETTER WHILE KEEPING LOVED ONES AT A SAFE DISTANCE. 7:30 @ RAMADA CRYSTAL BALLROOM. $75 IN ADVANCE, $90 THE DAY OF THE SHOW. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Friday, December 14th

SNOWGA: YOGASM IN THE NUDE.  BECOME ONE WITH NATURE, MIND, AND BODY.  BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE AND STRETCH THAT SPHINCTER.  COME JOIN US AS BILL BURNS GIVES YOGA LESSONS IN THE SNOW.  FREE MOUNTAIN DEW.

Saturday, December 15th:

WINTER DRIVING COURSE: TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW AFTER ONLY 8 MONTHS?  JOIN OUR ANNUAL WINTER DRIVING COURSE SO YOU CAN RE-LEARN HOW TO SLOW DOWN WHEN THAT WHITE STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY (WHITE STUFF IS SNOW AND WINTER IS A DREADFUL SEASON WHEN SNOW FALLS). FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED IN ALL HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOTS.  FREE “MY KID IS NOT AN HONOR STUDENT” BUMPER STICKERS FOR ALL WHO ATTEND.

Monday, December 31st:

NEW YEAR’S EVE BASH: PARTY!! GIVEN THE FACT THAT THE MAYAN CALENDAR DID NOT ACTUALLY SPELL OUT OUR DOOM, THERE WILL BE MUCH REJOICING AS WE SAY BYE-BYE TO 2012. NUDE PARKOUR AND IF I CAN GET THE PERMITS, SEX OLYMPICS. RSVP VIA TWITTER @FMObserver. BYOB. BYOLube. FREE HAT.

CANNIBALS ANONYMOUS sessions are held, as always, every Tuesday and Thursday of the month. Details available HERE.

Thanks, and we hope to see you soon!

Jerk Refuses to Dim Floodlight; Neighbor Pissed

West Fargo, ND – In an open letter to his bordering neighbor, local resident Randy Mills made his feelings about the motion-detecting floodlight facing his house abundantly clear:

From:     Randy Mills   (ArchAngel420@ymail.com)
To:           Gerald Bartholomew   (G_Money_2010@mailsys.net)
Subject:  DIM YOUR FLOODLIGHT, BUTTHOLE
 
I am writing you to complain regarding your motion-activated floodlight! There seems to be no getting through to you! I have tried to be nice, but you will not listen! Many times we have spoken about this shining beacon of uselessness blazing through the outer reaches of the cosmos! Every time a bird or a squirrel passes by at night, it switches on and proceeds to sear my retinas and melt the siding off my house! There is too much wattage there!! Please find the attached drawing for further explanation, dick!
 
Also want you to know I have danced the Dance of Evil in spite of you; the spirits of Eternal Damnation have been summoned and will begin to torment your very existence.
 
Love,
 
Randy Mills

———————————————————————————————————————————–

At the time of this publication, there has been no response from that dick Gerald. We will be watching as this neighborly feud continues.

Best of The Red River Valley

Results of the 2012 ‘Best of The Red River Valley’ Competition

Fargo, ND – The Fargo Forum recently ran a poll where readers voted for their favorite foods, events, services and more in the Fargo-Moorhead and surrounding areas.  We also ran our own poll where our readers voted as well.  The wait is over!  Below are the results!

 

 Best of The Red River Valley

Best Restaurant

Best Hobo Hangout

Best Bar To Almost Get Thrown Out Of

Best Mexican Restaurant

Best Taxi (Unfortunately we don’t have one.  They all suck according to the poll results.)

 

 

*check back for more as results are continually coming in

 

 

Corpses Exhumed Due to Salmonella Recall

Fargo, ND – A complete idiot at the Food and Drug Administration’s Fargo branch mis-typed a recall order yesterday which resulted in dead bodies being exhumed at Riverside Cemetery in South Fargo. The dumbass, having heard of the Nesquik salmonella recall, engaged the recall crew with an emergency bulletin:

::SALMONELLA RECALL. PLEASE REMOVE ALL SALMONELLA::

Crews sprang to action by heading to the nearest cemetery to recall as many salmonella deaths as possible in the time allotted. Graves were dug up and crusty old body parts were flung all over the place during the frantic search. The bumbling FDA grave-robbers didn’t know exactly who they were looking for; only that they were told to recall the salmonella.

This move is being deemed a colossal blunder on the FDA’s part. Loved ones of the dead, having heard of this desecration of their friends’ and relatives’ graves, are expected to file swift legal action.

Block 6 Building Reportedly Haunted

Fargo, ND – Reports have been flying in regarding spiritual activity occurring at 620 Main Avenue, the first location of the old Delendrecies department store in Fargo. The building, which was built in 1894 by Canadian entrepreneur O.J. DeLendrecies, was recently renovated into an apartment and retail space in historic downtown. This renovation appears to have angered some spirits, as there have been reports of paranormal activity by some of the building tenants:

“The wind howls at times. These ‘howls’ are almost certainly the screams of the deceased.”

“Sometimes when I enter the building late at night, I can hear the door close behind me. A spirit wanted in, but was too slow to enter.”

“When you stand by the elevator and listen, you can hear it moving. Which floor is the spirit trying to get to???” 

“I take the stairs sometimes. When i’m descending the stairs I sometimes hear a door open and footsteps behind me, as if someone were following me. Then a door closes! You can’t tell me these aren’t ghosts.”

 

 

 

 

“If you put your ear to the wall, you can hear muffled voices and even showtunes playing. Sounds to me like the ghosts of past tenants still lurking.”

 

Do we have a haunted building on our hands? The Observer will let you be the judge. Come on over and see for yourself, if you dare.

West Fargo Police Pumpkin Humper Arrested

Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.

November 2012 EVENT CALENDAR: What’s Happening in November

Fargo, ND – Here is a list of F-M Observer sponsored events and happenings taking place in the area this November.

Saturday, November 3:

PSYCHOGRAPHY: JOIN THE F-M GYPSY COALITION AS THEY LEAD YOU ON A JOURNEY THROUGH THE CAVERNS OF YOUR MIND. BRAVE UNCHARTED TERRAIN LYING DEEP WITHIN YOUR PSYCHE. 7:00 @ TEAMSTER’S UNION HALL. $20 ADMISSION. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Wednesday, November 7:

WINTERIZE YOUR SOUL: INSULATE AND APPRECIATE. WORLD-RENOWNED SPEAKER TERRENCE MADISON WILL OUTLINE HIS 3-POINT PLAN ON HOW BEST TO PREPARE FOR THE WINTER SEASON. LEARN HOW TO SHUN YOUR NEEDS AND PROCRASTINATE BETTER WHILE KEEPING LOVED ONES AT BAY. 7:30 @ RAMADA CRYSTAL BALLROOM. $75 IN ADVANCE, $90 THE DAY OF THE SHOW. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Saturday, November 10:

WINTER DRIVING COURSE: TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW AFTER ONLY 8 MONTHS?  JOIN OUR ANNUAL WINTER DRIVING COURSE SO YOU CAN RE-LEARN HOW TO SLOW DOWN WHEN THAT WHITE STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY (WHITE STUFF IS SNOW AND WINTER IS A SEASON WHEN SNOW FALLS) FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED IN ALL HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOTS.  FREE “MY KID IS NOT AN HONOR STUDENT” BUMPER STICKER.

Sunday, November 11:

GLADIATOR CAMP: CAMP WRAPS UP FOR THE YEAR. WE WILL BE HANDING OUT AWARDS FOR MOST VALUABLE SLAYER, MOST IMPROVED SLAYER, COMEBACK SLAYER OF THE YEAR AND OTHERS. RSVP VIA TWITTER @FMObserver IF YOU CAN OR CAN’T MAKE IT. USUAL SPOT IN THE FIELD NORTH OF HECTOR INT’L AIRPORT. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY F-M OBSERVER.

Friday, November 23:

FARGO ASIAN FESTIVAL: MUSIC AND MARTIAL ARTS.  FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED ON SHEYENNE STREET IN WEST FARGO.

CANNIBALS ANONYMOUS sessions are held, as always, every Tuesday and Thursday of the month. Details available HERE.

Thanks, and we hope to see you soon!