Category Archives: Local

Fargo School Board Anti-Bullying Policy

Fargo School Board To Implement New Anti-Bullying Policy

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Fargo, ND – Since 2002 the Fargo School Board has had an Anti-Bullying policy in place.  This policy consisted of rewarding bullies and punishing the victims.  It promoted such nonsense as “Walking or running away,” “Turning the other cheek,” and “Just lay there and let them beat you up.”  The school board has now changed it’s stance and will implement a new anti-bullying policy.

This new policy will implement a number of different things.  One is requiring students to attend classes such as “MAN THE FUCK UP” and “KICK FUCKING ASS.”  Another is allowing children as young as six to carry weapons such as grenades, machine guns, and anti-tank weapons.  Lastly, the school board will implement mixed martial arts cages in every school gym around the city.

The school board will likely move forward with this new policy in the next couple weeks.

Garrison Dam Tailrace

Morbidly Obese Lake Trout Breaks State Record

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Bismarck, ND – A North Dakota state record was broken recently as a 16lb-6oz, 33-inch lake trout was hauled out of the Garrison Dam Tailrace. This disgustingly huge fish animal breaks the record held by the previous lake trout by over 2 lbs. Horrendous. The fish had clearly let itself go. But is this lake beast at all embarrassed by being outed as the fattest, ugliest trout/whale of all time? Not even close. In between bites of earthworm, the sickly animal had this to say about its victory:

“I’ve been stuffing my bulbous gills with anything I could fit in there since I was a guppy. Look at me now! Who said gluttony never pays off in America! Yeah!!”

It has been reported that it took two men to pull this monster into the boat. A chainsaw and a total of 3 garbage bags were used to gut and clean the bastard.

Dilworth Fire Chief

Dilworth Fire Chief says, “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled.”

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Let me show you somethin!

Dilworth, MN – A home being constructed in northeast Dilworth caught on fire this morning.  Workers on site reported the fire and thankfully nobody was hurt.  “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled,” Dilworth fire chief said.

When asked to please elaborate more he said, “Well..fire hot.  Fire burn things.  You see that wall?  It’s burnt to shit.  You see that other wall?  It’s also burned to shit.  I’m no NASA engineer but my best guess would be that that house right there is probably burnt to shit.”  The blaze was initially called in as an electrical fire but it is still under investigation.

 

A man wearing a hat similar to the one below was seen around the neighborhood at the time of the fire.

Troy McKinley Williston Party Promoter Oil Patch

No Patch No Party

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“There will absolutely be no strippers here.”

Williston, ND – Truck driver turned self made pimp party promoter Troy McKinley has come under fire recently.  Troy McKinley has been promoting and even selling tickets to his Party In The Patch (partyinthepatch.com).  The problem: there is no patch or land to even throw the party on.  One would think to sell tickets or throw a party you would first have some place to actually go party at.  Troy commented, “The hell you talking about land?  To throw a party you don’t need to actually have a place to go.”

Troy McKinley has been advertising in the Chicago and Twin Cities areas in the hopes of bringing classy, church going, upper-class women with very high moral aptitude to the Party In The Patch.  “I can’t see any reason why any lady would not want to spend $20 bucks to travel to North Dakota and hang out with greasy oil workers” Troy commented.  What a winning situation for any good gal to be apart of.  His two sponsors “Taco in a Bag” and “Escorts For U” couldn’t be reached for comment.

Hector International Airport Remodeling

Remodeling Hector International Airport

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“I haven’t seen a plane in 4 years.”

Fargo, ND – Fargo North Dakota’s one and only Hector International Airport is undergoing a significant remodeling project.  The former Barnstormer Restaurant will now become “Skydine.”  As the population of Fargo continues to soar and more people traveling through Fargo, the restaurants seating for one will have to undergo a major upgrade.

The remodeling project will increase the restaurant dining experience from seating for one to seating for two.  This major upgrade will be able to accommodate the high number of international and domestic travelers that visit Fargo to experience its tropical weather, sandy ditches, and exotic sightseeing along gravel farm roads.

West Fargo North Dakota Juvenile

Area Teenager Denied Access to Family Vehicle

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Juvenile doesn’t get what he wants

West Fargo, ND – An area teen became visibly flustered today as a request to borrow the family vehicle was swiftly shot down by the Man of the House.  Carson Hendrickson, 16, of 2nd Street East in West Fargo had been seen by witnesses “slamming the door in utter disgust” after a simple request to borrow the family vehicle early this evening was denied without even a second thought. Carson then proceeded to WALK, not drive, to his neighbor’s house to allegedly play Call of Duty. The victim’s father had this to say in regard to the incident:

“Carson needs to learn some responsibility. You can’t just suck around the house all day doing nothing and expect to be rewarded. Besides, his mother and I are driving the vehicle to an orgy later tonight.”

The victim’s name in this story was changed to protect the innocent as this case is still an ongoing investigation.

“Piece of Crap” Recreational Vehicle Thrives in Western North Dakota Oil Boom

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rvA janky Western North Dakota RV revels in the demand for affordable housing

Williston, ND – The milking of Western North Dakota’s oil reserves continues to flourish, bringing financial prosperity to the area. However, with the recent influx of employment and manpower suddenly increasing the demand for living space, availability of homes and apartments is becoming scarce. With this in mind, a cruddy-looking RV has reaped the benefits of necessity. This disaster on wheels has a newfound value in these desperate times. I asked the RV its thoughts about the sudden upturn:

“In any other case I would be good for nothing but a roaming meth lab or maybe a late night pay-for-sex encounter. Now, with all this demand for lodging, my net worth has damn near tripled. I can house an entire family and charge them $2,500 a month for rent! My toilet doesn’t even work lol!”

The RV went on to say that “Scummy old rust-buckets like us have become a valuable commodity in the area” and that it is scared that if and when the oil boom disappears it will go back to being a “gutted-out methy cesspool” like it was before.

Only in America can a piss bin like this one go from total shit hole to apartment living room.

Former F-M Area City Planner Taking It In the Face Over Sexual Innuendo

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The names of cities and towns in this area have fallen under heavy scrutiny.

Fargo, ND – As the population of our area continues to grow, more prominent figures have taken notice of the rampant perversion of its city planners. Names like Horace (Whore Ass), Harwood (Hard Wood), and Moorhead (More Head) have attracted negative attention from feminists across the nation.

Noted femininst Roberta Paulson had this to say, “The feminist community is completely outraged at the obviously perverted nature of this so-called ‘city planner’. We are calling for a change to these abhorrent titles. Whoreass, Hardwood and Morehead are completely unacceptable and derogatory towards women.” We reached Former City Planner Robert Paulson for comment. “I’ve used these names for other things all throughout my entire life. My kids, my pets. I don’t find them offensive at all.”

Yet another feminist opinion falling on deaf ears. What will happen from here? Not even the Observer knows.

Idiot Arrested After Attempted Drug Deal With Obvious Off-Duty Cop

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Dumb ass immediately arrested after walk up drug sale attempt

Fargo, ND – An Otsego, MN man was arrested last night after propositioning a cocaine deal to what was quite obviously an off-duty cop. The lieutenant wore street clothes that comprised a textbook undercover cop look: huge moustache, leather jacket, slightly balding with an ice cold stare. The perpetrator allegedly approached this cop-looking fella to ask him if he wanted to purchase some “blow” from him. What kind of idiot do you have to be to try to sell cocaine to THIS guy? As soon as the Observer gets their prison interview with this dope-slinging dope from Otsego, we’ll tell you.

Alleged TouchTunes Terrorist Spreading Christmas Cheer Throughout the Land

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Coming to a jukebox near you: Crappy Happy music.

Fargo, ND – Modern technologies have afforded us many luxuries. In this day & age any knucklehead with a smartphone can hack into your favorite bar’s sound system. This hack has been figured out to be a smartphone TouchTunes “app” that enables anyone with a username to pump a few dollars into a jukebox and play total garbage ANONYMOUSLY.

An alleged TouchTunes Terrorist has been hacking or logging in to the phone app and playing shit music at local bars to the chagrin of many. He was last alleged playing Kenny Rodgers – “I’ll be Home For Christmas”, John Denver – “Sunshine On My Shoulder”, and Lamb of God – “Now You’ve Got Something to Die For” at many different rockin’ joints around town.

The perpetrator has been wreaking havoc at weekend hotspots for some time now without regard for human life. Will anyone be able to stop this terrorist? Will any of us be able to sleep at night knowing this jackass is wreaking total havoc on our music playlist?? Is nothing sacred anymore???