Category Archives: News

Field goal is good because of Jesus!

Pope Benedict XVI Resigning To Become Head Coach of Penn State Football

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Field goal is good because of Jesus!

Field goal is good because of Jesus!

Pope Benedict XVI shockingly and abruptly announced his resignation earlier this week after nearly eight years as the head of the Catholic Church.

Pope Benedict XVI is the first pope to resign in over 600 years.  He is also the first pope to utilize Twitter, who must have had help and direction from god himself to get that working.

What is the pope going to do now?  Well it isn’t retirement that’s for sure.

The Pope has been hired to head coach the Penn State football team effective the beginning of next month.

 

We feel Pope Benedict XVI to be everything we are looking for to lead this fine football team here at Penn State — Anita Bure (public relations)

We feel his hands-on experience with the youth is second to none and it’s just what we need for our program — Assistant Coach

Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his last public Mass as pontiff in which he had this to say:

“As you know, I’ve decided to renounce the ministry.  I know this may come as a shock to all of you but this may be even more shocking.  I’ve been hired head coach of the Penn State football team. I know I know…crazy you say.  However, with my connections with the lord jesus christ, Penn State needs all the help they can get.  I also have extensive hands-on experience with the innocent children here on earth and I really feel this will transition well into their football program.”

The Pope will make his final public appearances later this month

 

Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear!

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POLARBEARpm1New York, NY – The 137th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has been rocked by scandal.

Shortly after the Best-In-Show winner was named at Madison Square Garden, it was discovered that the winning dog was actually a polar bear cub, named Knut.

Obviously, this development is a huge embarrassment to this most prestigious and longest-running dog show.

The owners and handlers of the imposter “dog” are Amak and Akrittok Arjalinerk from the Yupik Eskimo tribe, which currently resides in north-central Alaska.

Mr. and Mrs. Arjalinerk had apparently entered the young carnivore into the dog show, not knowing that polar bears cannot compete in this canine-only event.

Inexperienced dog show officials must have initially assumed young Knut was legit, and categorized him as an American Eskimo Dog, which belongs in the Non-Sporting Group.

After winning his best-of-breed competition amongst all the other American Eskimo dogs, Knut went on to wow the crowd that watched the Non-Sporting Group competition.

Judge Florence Males of Pleasant Hill, CA was completely fooled by the bear cub as she named him winner of the Non-Sporting Group, which qualifiied Knut to participate in the final Best-In-Show competition.

Unbelieveably, the Best-In-Show judge, Michael Dougherty, named the polar bear to be the ultimate winner of 137th Annual Dog Show.

Mandatory blood testing after the dog show revealed that Knut was, in truth, a member of the animal Family Ursidae (Genus Ursus), which undeniably proves that the dog show winner will one day grow to weigh 1,500 pounds by eating a steady diet of seals, walruses, and probably a few stray dogs.

New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy

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Learning to speak Chinese has never been so easy!

China Town, CA – Have you always wanted to be able to speak fluent conversational Chinese, but thought it was too difficult to learn? When eating at a Chinese restaurant, have you often wondered what the owners are saying?

Now, because of a new break-through in learning the Chinese language, you too can be speaking perfect Chinese in a matter of weeks. The Flash-Learn Company has put together a new set of language flashcards that make it possible for anyone to easily learn how to speak and understand Chinese.

Most Americans already know that the Chinese way of saying Table Tennis is “Ping Pong”. Many know how to order some favorite Chinese dishes such as “Egg Foo Young” in the native Chinese tongue. But beyond that, Chinese has been almost impossible to learn…until now!

Chinese characters are known as pictographs. Each flashcard has a picture of the word, along with its associated English term, and finally the actual authentic Chinese pictographs. (Click on the above picture to zoom in on an actual example flashcard!)

Scientific studies have shown that a basic functional literacy of the Chinese language requires a knowledge of between three and four thousand characters. Mandarin Chinese has 21 consonants and 16 vowels. They can be combined together to create more than 400 mono-syllabic sounds. The Flash-Learn company has done all the work for you by putting together one complete set of flashcards to make learning Chinese easy peasy.

Quiz yourself or team up with a partner. Start team competitions for some real fun!

Here’s what some real people are saying about these amazing flashcards:

  • Morton Philips: “I had no idea that learning to speak Chinese could be so easy.”
  • Lori Lingle: “Not only can I now speak fluent Chinese, but I understand all that chatter at the Chinese restaurants.”
  • Dick McScott: “These flashcards helped me land my dream job of being a translator for multiple government agencies.”

Order now, and you will get all of the Flash-Learn flashcards for only $19.99, plus shipping and handling.

But wait…if you order one full set of flashcards for the price of two, the Flash-Learn Company will give you one extra set for free!

Go ahead and order now, and don’t be the last comrade on your block who can speak fluent Chinese.

Three coincidental numbers prompt man to quit job

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THE DEVIL!

THE DEVIL!

Nashville, TN – A god-fearing (or satan-fearing, depending on how you look at it) man in Tennessee quit his job the other day after his company W-2 form came through stamped with the numbers 666. Walter Slonopas got the H-E-double hockey sticks out of that obviously possessed workplace after he noticed the very frightening sequence of numbers.

Walter spoke with The Tennessean about his admittedly bizarre circumstance, telling them that “The Bible calls 666 the number of the beast” and that he could “either go to work, or go to hell.” After feeling Satan’s icy grip slide around his throat, Walter decided to jet. For good.

Contech Casting, the company he worked for, stated that it was merely the order in which the W-2 forms went out and that the presence of the number was a complete and utter coincidence. They also stated that it was a coincidence that Walter was assigned the very same eerie number to clock in with in 2011 when he began his employment.

I can’t say I blame Walter for bolting like that. I mean, if I saw the numbers 69 appear on my W-2, i’d probably think that Gina from Accounting wanted to have sex on me. And if the number zero came through stamped on my papers? I’d feel like my life had no meaning and would probably fall into a pit of depression. But if I was magically graced with the number 1 on my forms? I’m on top of the world. There would be no stopping me.

Life is all about meaningless numbers, you guys.

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity

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PIE1pm1

Our pies taste as good as they look.

Pie Town, NM – Franchise opportunity possibilities are available for interested and motivated persons.

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation wants to soon open a store in your neighborhood.

The PPSFOC is looking for pie-loving people to partner for profit.

All pies are sold for their trade-marked price of $3.14159, plus tax.

To keep costs down, most of the help is done by pie-loving “volunteers” who offer their time and efforts (until they find out they’re not getting paid).

Due to the low price point, tips are accepted and even encouraged, much appreciated and almost mandatory.

At all of the franchised Professional Pie Shoppes, the types of pies that are available for sale make the full alphabetical circle, from A to Z:

Apple Ala Mode Pie
Blueberry Best Pie
Cherry Sex Pie
Dorm Party Pie
Enchilada Mexi-Pie
Fruitcake Fun Pie
Green Goblin Key Lime Pie
Huckleberry Finn Pie
Iguana Wanna Eat Pie
Jack Horner Little Pie
Kiwi Klondike Krazy Pie
Lemon Bon Bon Pie
Muggle Mud Pie
Nutritional High Pie
Oprah Chocolate Pie
Personal Pecan Pie
Quince Jellystone Pie
Red Rum Spicy Pie
Sam Shepard Pie
Turkish Coffee Pie
Unicorn Horny Pie
Very Vampire Pie
Willy’s Wonka Pie
Xtra Xcellent Pie
Yucca Yam Pie
Zebra Mussel Pie

If interested in starting your own clone of the original Professional Pie Shoppe, simply leave a comment to this post, or google the “Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation”. Once you’ve somehow made contact with the corporate offices, ask for Carla and tell her you want to “partner for profit”.

West Acres Tunnel Fargo

Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads

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In Fargo, tunnels just make a heck of a lot of sense.

Fargo, ND – In a last-ditch effort to save downtown Fargo, smart city planners are planning a federally-funded feasibility study to investigate the likely possibility of connecting struggling downtown Fargo to the ever-popular West Acres area through a complicated system of underground tunnels.

These tunnels would be both walkable and drivable and also include a drive-thru petting zoo along with a large underground drive-thru food court serving everything from tacos to lefse to zebra mussels.

Mitchal Graham, the city’s long-time Food Czar, is quite sure that the demand for lefse in this quirky northern area is perhaps maybe comparable to that of tacos, even on Taco Tuesdays. Mitch continues: “We also discovered a wonderful Russian recipe for zebra mussels, which now seem to be in plentiful supply locally.”

After multiple set-backs in their long-fought efforts to save the metro region from frequent 500-year floods, top city leaders say it’s time for a diversion to The Diversion.

Rather than continuing fruitless work to route Fargo-Moorhead’s flood-prone Red River around West Fargo’s nifty Sheyenne Diversion system, “We are going to have a little fun and try changing horses midstream”, says council-person Stone Chatman.

“All of a sudden, the boring FM flood diversion project has turned into a way more fun project that will finally connect the weird Downtown crowd with the more up-scale West Acres shoppers”, Stone explains.

When axed about the process that led to changing horses mid-stream, it was explained to our FMO website by a “real person” who wanted to remain under a total cloak of anonymity, that going through the whole slow process of having meetings and discussions that go off on long tangents, answering stupid questions from citizens who know nothing, and then finally voting a simple “yea” or “nay”, all sometimes leads to ultra-stupid solutions that make absolutely no sense what-so-ever.

“Sometimes you just have to follow your gut feelings and just do something spontaneous that you know is right for the community”, our cloaked annonymous informant whispered.

As for the Zebra Mussel recipe, continue to follow this trust-worthy website for all the latest details about how you too can turn an aquatic nuisance species into a delectable dish fit for a president.

Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance

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ELMO2pm1

Elmo lawyers up

Queens, NY – One of the most recognizable and loved celebrities on television has been charged with a DUI and could face some serious consequences. Elmo is best known as one of the muppet superstars from the long-running children’s television series, Sesame Street. Unfortunately, he is also quickly becoming known for his questionable behavior off the set.

Recently, some eye-witnesses said that Elmo was swerving from side to side in his Mercedes-Benz all the way down Sesame Street. He allegedly side-swiped multiple cars and finally crashed into the garbage can of Oscar The Grouch, who was luckily not home at the time. According to the official police report, Elmo’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit for muppets.

Elmo’s defense team is headed up by Kermit The Frog who told the press that Elmo categorically denies all of the charges. Kermit went on to say that Big Bird is to blame for daring Elmo to a popular drinking game called “Flip, Sip, or Strip!”. The game involves flipping a coin and while it’s in the air, calling heads or tails. If guessed correctly, the coin gets passed to the right. If incorrect, it gets passed to the left, and the player must either take off one article of clothing or drink a shot. Obviously, compared to the more diminutive Elmo, Big Bird would have a huge advantage when consuming alcohol, due to his much larger body mass.

Possible charges for the red muppet include community service, some stiff fines, and up to 6 months in a muppet jail which houses some of the most undesirable muppets from the New York/Queens area.

Elmo certainly has DUI troubles, but now also faces a public relations problem. Asked about how he feels regarding getting in trouble while being idolized by countless children, Elmo responded: “Elmo needs to look out for Elmo. It’s time all those kids grow up and learn about the real world.”

Back in late 2012, Elmo was again in the headlines for some “improper sexual conduct” with a Sesame Street staffer named Kevin Clash. This alleged relationship was never proven but did cause Mr. Clash to lose his job on Sesame Street.

James Barrie, an expert in celebrity downfalls, summed it up this way: “Life is a long lesson in humility. Hopefully, Mr. Elmo will learn his lesson, unlike the chronically problematic Lindsay Lohan.”

North Dakota to propose changing state name to FUN DAKOTA

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Fun Dakota

Fun Dakota

Fargo, ND – Here we go again. It’s the time of the year in which our great state fights the never-ending battle with boredom and exclusion. The time of year when a sheer blanket of cold will envelop our region, warding off even those brave Manitobans who dared venture southward.

It is time for the North Dakota tourism board to either get inventive or shut it all down until spring. That is why they have decided to initiate state legislature to implement a permanent name change that will once and for all upgrade the state’s name from North Dakota to Fun Dakota!

The tourism board stated that this bill, if it passes, will completely change the North Dakotan landscape for the better. Fun Dakota will become a haven for exciting wintertime tourist activity, such as:

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  • King of the Hill tournaments
  • Ice mound spelunking
  • Drinking whiskey until you’re numb
  • Windshield ice-scraping competitions
  • Going to McDonald’s

The state house of representatives needs a positive vote ratio of 2/3 in order to pass this type of change into law, which the tourism board expects will happen easily.

Welcome to FUN Dakota, where the weather is cold and the girls are hot! Enjoy your stay!

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather Events

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How Schools Decide To Close During Weather EventsA number of factors come into play when a school is deciding whether or not to close their doors due to weather events.

 

Below are some of the obvious factors:

 

– It is so cold that your balls shrivel all the way up into your scrotum so you no longer have balls and literally freak out wondering where your balls went.  No school for you.

– At least TWO of your children slip on the ice while going to school and suffer severe brain damage then school might be called off.  Remember it has to be at least two children.

– Zero visibility. It better look like Lindsay Lohan just sneezed on an 8-ball out there. Basically, if you can see two inches in front of you, get your ass to school and learn some french!

– If you don’t have at least two feet of snow in your driveway in the morning then school’s on, bitches.

– If the majority of every road is an ice rink, then school’s on.  Ice skate your ass to school, pussy.

-Are there polar bears roaming the streets? No matter. Ride one to class! But if you see Sasquatch, get the hell inside.

-Let’s say you walk outside and immediately seize up into a human icicle. That doesn’t mean you won’t thaw out after your mommy drags you to homeroom. Get moving.

-Your local liquor store must write you a typed long-form note explaining that they are out of Hot 100. That is one of very few viable excuses you can use to stay home.

-There is a Three Stooges marathon on cable.

-You are 99% completion on Grand Theft Auto. Understandable that you need that final mission badly.

-Your home is literally made of dirt and you bathe in a hollowed-out bison skull and burn buffalo chips for heat.

 

 

In a nutshell, if the National Guard isn’t called in, your ass is going to school in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Crazed Gun Owners Planning Government Takeover Defense Strategy

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We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

Birmingham, AL – Deranged gun zealots across the nation are banding together in a show of defiance over the Obama administration’s looming gun law initiatives. A gun guy in Alabama is leading the charge by launching a web forum where concerned gun owners can go to congregate.

Bronk Chinters of Birmingham, Alabama has started the Protect This House coalition via his website www.protect-this-house.org.

It stands to serve as a virtual message board that concerned gun owners can use to brainstorm and share strategies on how to best defend against a governmental takeover. Mr. Chinters:

“We fear that the Obama administration is poised to use executive order to outlaw our high-powered weapons. If we don’t take action on this before it’s too late, the National Guard will proceed upon us with enough force to steal our guns and create a totalitarian state. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit couldn’t take down a tank with a semi-automatic pea shooter. Gonna need my assault weapons and a gameplan in order to defend against such an action.”

Guns don't kill people...

Guns don’t kill people…

Chinters went on to say that he and his “unit leaders” are developing “lock and load” strategies on the website that, in the event of a government takeover, could be used to organize and establish various “defense hubs” around the nation.

What would these defense hubs do, if so provoked? Preliminary strategy indicates they would suit up with riot gear, barricade themselves in a fortress and point their assault rifles at the government until the government sees that giant collection of guns and decides to retreat. Or something like that. Their strategies do not dictate a means to an end.

Protect This House seems convinced that they could take action against the United States government if they had to, but neither the coalition nor any other crazed gun owner has been able to establish a plausible exit strategy for their defense movement.

Gun owners who wish to participate in the effort can visit www.protect-this-house.org for more information. However, in the event that such a website did not exist, it would be every man for himself if the government did decide to completely ruin itself and the country via a hostile takeover.