Category Archives: News

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Hundreds of Cars Said, “FUCK THIS SHIT” This Morning Leaving People With No Transportation

1 Reply

Fargo, ND – If Mondays were not bad enough, throw in some cold air and wind and you just stepped into the worst place on earth: Fargo.

Forecasts last week that ranged from ‘God damn it’s cold’ to ‘Why the fuck do I live here’ continued on into this week.  We had the pleasure of enjoying a negative temperature of -15 today.  Let’s take a look at the coming days to see if it will be getting……….nope.  Still going to be cold as fuck.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Even the automobiles of the Fargo-Moorhead area have had enough.  Hundreds of automobiles said “FUCK THIS SHIT” this morning as their owners tried to start their car leaving many wondering why they were out of bed or why they even lived here.

Service and tow companies have seen their business nearly double over the past week.

“I was driving down 13th Ave S when I heard my car blurt out, ‘fuck this shit.’  It then just stopped working.  I had to call a tow driver.”

“I went out to my car at 6:30 ready for work.  Put the key in, tried to start it, and I heard a ‘fuck this shit.’  It still doesn’t start.  I don’t know how I’m getting to work tomorrow.”

Jason said he didn’t even get within 10 feet of his car when it blurted out, “Too cold!  Go back to fucking bed!”

We could give you some advice such as letting your car warm up but let’s just be honest here.  If the temperature is below zero when you wake up, go back to fucking bed and leave your car alone.

 

Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine

Leave a reply
Bad Dream Liner

Bad Dream Liner

Except for a few minor glitches, the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner could be the most ultra-modern and problem-free passenger airplane ever assembled by union hands.

The limited list of petty problems that have popped up so far includes:

  1. electrical problems due to faulty wiring
  2. oil leaks from the engines
  3. parts breaking off in the engines
  4. faulty fuel lines causing in-flight fuel leaks
  5. exploding batteries
  6. brake problems
  7. cracking cockpit windows
  8. occasional appearance of “smoke” in the cockpit

Other than those trifles, the new Dreamliner is pretty much a problem-free dream machine.

Unfortunately, some naysayers are contending that “bad dream” is a bit closer to the actual truth.

But Boeing is quite confident that any and all of these so-called “snags” will quickly be put to rest so that passengers can rest easy on this new dream plane which has aptly been called the Dreamliner.

Storm Gandolf Fargo North Dakota

Bill Burns Defends Fargo From Storm Gandolf. His Story.

Leave a reply

Storm Gandolf Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse.  Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action.  I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf.  That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.

Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself.  I was five hours in now.  Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold.  Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise.  To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water.  Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.

Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me.  “Gandolf!  Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment.  “Show yourself!” I screamed.

At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me.  I remember them well and they haunt me to this day.  This ‘snow wave’ was a penis.  It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.

Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening.  The penis tip if you will.  At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.

I knew it was a success.  I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.

So there you have it.  You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.

 

Local cops prepared in case Obama takes guns

Leave a reply
Domination

Domination

Fargo, ND – Police departments across our F-M area are taking initiative in case Obama uses executive order to “control” the nation’s guns. Local law enforcement agencies are preparing their officers for hand-to-hand perp wrangling if such a drastic measure would, in fact, completely outlaw and remove all guns from the national landscape.

Cops are stepping up their self-defense skills as well as their ability to out-wit and out-muscle dangerous perps.

Officer-in-training Danny Rudd:

“I’ve been watching every James Bond movie on repeat to get real familiar with kickin’ perps’ asses without a gun. The wife has been letting me practice my throat-chop technique on her. Pretty useful.”

Lieutenant Carl Mitchum:

“Perps are dangerous, sure, but they are also dumb. You can pick up any Tom Clancy novel where he writes about war stealth. Stealth is the number one weapon of a Navy SEAL so we will apply it to everyday perp-wrangling. When it’s time to arrest the perp, he will never see it coming!”

Patrolman Roger Hallsworth:

“I cannot wait for my first perp chase ‘n beat. I’ve been running stairs like Rocky, juicing up for the next criminal. Those knuckleheads don’t stand a chance.”

Departments are also handing out Human Growth Hormone supplements and other performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to give their officers the upper-hand. This doesn’t bode well for criminals in the Fargo-Moorhead area as the officers around here are becoming more dangerous and efficient than ever before.

Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married

Leave a reply
Gay Love Donkeys

Gay Love Donkeys

Fargo, ND – A couple of gay Love Donkeys will soon “tie the knot” at the local zoo. It’s believed to be the first known pair of gay Love Donkeys in captivity to be married within the confines of a zoo-type environment.

Rev. Matt Tramoni, the zoo pastor, says he believes we’ll be seeing more and more of this type of thing. “Now that gay marriage amongst zoo animals has been legalized under a new federal law, I believe this could be just the tip of the iceberg”, says Pastor Matt.

The zoo trainer admits that the donkeys, Carlton and Cortez, have been life-mates ever since they moved to this zoo. “Even though they couldn’t make it official up until now”, explains Julie Whitebear, “these two have been a paragon of matrimony in all facets of their beautiful donkeyed relationship.”

Apparently, they’re planning on having a private ceremony in the zoo chapel. However, a public reception is being planned for the Spring. Carlton and Cortez are registered at all the top shops. They particularly like sweet snacks and colorful clothing.

New device streamlines ignoring calls and texts

Leave a reply
MetaWatch

MetaWatch

Las Vegas, NV – One of the big reveals at last week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas was a revolutionary new smartphone device. The device is considered an application as it works in conjunction with the iPhone to alert you of incoming calls/texts/notifications. Not in the way you’re thinking, however. This new type of “app” comes not in the form of software for the iPhone, but in the form of hardware! Yes, MetaWatch smart watch pushes incoming iPhone alerts via bluetooth directly to your wrist!

The innovators at MetaWatch kept the importance of ignoring alerts in mind when they created this device. Today’s young adult is constantly on-the-go with meetings, appointments and other important events so saving time is of the essence. MetaWatch helps answer the important question: What could we do to circumvent the prompt answering of texts and calls? Bingo! We can separate the notification from the actual device so we can screen calls without even touching the phone. 

Let’s be honest–are we not having to touch the iPhone to properly address the notification anyway, thus actually rendering MetaWatch as a slight inconvenience? Yes, but initial hipster reaction has still been very positive:

“It’s just easier than switching screens on the phone I’m already staring at all day.”

This innovative new hardware is poised to streamline the ignoring of calls and texts. Neglect incoming inquiries faster than ever before with METAWATCH.

Lunatics Banned From Washington DC

Leave a reply
HARREIDpx1

Former pugilist Hairy Reid

Washington, DC – Back in December of 2012, Congress temporarily set aside its gridlock in an unusual bipartisan effort to ban the word ‘lunatic’ from all federal legislation. The new law was designed to remove outdated or demeaning language from existing US code.

The word “lunatic” had become politically incorrect since it was insensitive to werewolves or anyone descended from werewolves. It derives from “Luna”, the Latin word for moon, and “Tic”, the nervous twitch often associated with crazy people.

One of the sponsors of the measure was North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad. He believes that federal law should reflect modern science, and that we should no longer refer to lunatics as lunatics. As their solution, the old derogatory word is to be replaced with either: Moon Units, Idiots, Mental Midgets, or Progressives.

The House of Representatives voted 398-1 in support of the bill, after the Senate approved the motion back in May. After passing both houses of Congress, the bill could then be passed on to President Obama for his auto-pen signature.

Interestingly, the one “no” vote came from a Texas lunatic who had the crazy idea that Congress should spend its time on more important matters, such as trying to prevent the entire country from going over a fiscal cliff.

In a related effort, the Senate is considering trying to pass a new rule that would essentially ban any former comedians from becoming members of the United States Senate. The honourable Senator Al Franken’s initial reaction to this was, “What, is this some kind of joke or something?”

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

Leave a reply

Fargo, ND – After the NDSU Bison football team slaughtered Sam Houston State University, they made their way back to good ol’ Fargo, North Dakota.  Good for them, not so good for the news anchors who had to sit there and fill time on live television.

I understand.  I couldn’t sit there with a straight face while only being given video shots of empty parked buses.  I’d totally bomb as well as everyone else in the country.  After watching this, I’m almost positive they went home, crawled under the kitchen table, and cried themselves to sleep vowing never to get into that situation again.  But, with all that said, there is nothing better then seeing news anchors squirm to fill time.  The unfortunate news anchors, Audrey Dahlgren and Amy Unrau, deserve some drinks and dinner for the hell they had to endure.

 

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

Leave a reply
NDSUBisonPM1

Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

KVRR Fox of Fargo-Moorhead Weather Reporter Says What?

KVRR Fox of Fargo-Moorhead Weather Reporter Says What?

Leave a reply

Fargo, ND – Imagination time.

Late one evening I was sitting on my couch completely nude, besides my long white socks, and enjoying a nice warm cup of tea.  I was hours into reviewing quantum mechanics equations (I do this for my own amusement) and wondering when I should tell the world that I built a working time machine.

In between these thoughts I decided to take a small break from solving world problems, one time travel trip at a time, and it was then I turned the channel to KVRR FOX of Fargo-Moorhead to check the weather.  Right at that moment I stumbled upon the weatherman mispronouncing the city of “Cut Bank.”  Now to my ears it sounds like he is about to say “Cum Bank” but the call is entirely up to you.  Seems the weatherman had other things on his mind?