Category Archives: News

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

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Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Kook or Visionary?

Hollywood, CA – World famous movie star and maverick is adamant that Scientology is not a hoax. Our affiliate Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, has some interesting new information about all this.

FMO: Tojo, what’s going on out there?!

TJ: Well, as one of Scientology’s top gun leaders, Tom Cruise feels so strongly about this whole matter that he will soon be launching a bus tour called the “Not A Hoax” Cruise Bus. It’s slated to hit all 57 states, and bring convincing evidence to the people that Scientology is definitely not a hoax.

FMO: What sparked this whole bus tour concept?

TJ: Tom Cruise is very passionate when it comes to this subject. He believes that people who choose to speak out against Scientology “don’t know didley squat”. He does admit that the infamous South Park episode really hurt his church, especially the part that explained “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

FMO: Do you have any details about the cruise bus?

TJ: Yes. Apparently the bus will be fully equipped to help Tom in his quest to demonstrate that Scientology is for real. Tom and his staff will be able to analyze prospective new members and get them signed up. At that point, Tom usually recites his famous phrase, “Show me the money!”, as Scientology is far from free. Mr. Cruise believes that by proving his system of religious beliefs is not a hoax, many folks will want to begin their own personal Scientological journey, if you will.

FMO: Thanks, Tojo!

Tojo Saxton has a Masters degree in Celebrity Studies from UCS (University of Celebrity Studies in California) and has been a latent affiliate reporter for FMO since OJ was locked up.

Cat Receiving Social Security Checks

Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks

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Cat happily still receiving a monthly social security check.

Missoula, MT – Cat owner was “surprised as hell” when her young cat started receiving a monthly social security check. What started out as an apparent system glitch has compounded itself into some nice additional income. Connie Tompkin’s cat, Fritz, started receiving a monthly social security check about a year and a half ago.

“The first checks, made out to ‘Fritz Tompkins’, were in the amount of $687.50” explains Connie. “Fritz and I both thought they would eventually just stop on their own. But instead, the amount of the checks has recently been increased to $803!”

Regarding what’s being done with the money, Connie has been endorsing and cashing the checks, since she is Fritz’s legal guardian with full power-of-attorney. Connie says that a small part of the money is being donated to the local humane society, since that’s where she and Fritz first met. The rest of the money is going into a “vacation fund” for both Fritz and Connie. They’ve taken a series of trips to some cat-friendly destinations, and are currently planning a two-week stay on Catalina Island.

As for the glitch, no one from the Social Security Administration was willing to comment on this matter, except for saying that it’s not really happening.

Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans

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Check-mate!

Fargo, ND – A young local chess prodigy wants all home-schooled children to form teams. Cooper Sterling has been a chess master since age six. He claims that being home-schooled really allowed him to excel in areas of personal interest to him. His parents found out early on that chess was a talent he was born with when he embarrassed a traveling chess grandmaster at the young age of four.

“One drawback to being home schooled, however, is you don’t get to be on any teams”, Cooper said. He would like to start out by forming a local chess team of other home-schooled children. “From there, the sky’s the limit”, he added, with a smile.

Cooper eventually would like to form home-schooled teams to compete with local schools in debate, ping-pong, and even some track & field events. As for Cooper, he also has some personal goals set for his next few years. They include: marketing his own line of Think & Thrive board-games, and designing and building his own underground home.

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Man Proposes To Girlfriend at The Northern. Proceed To Eat Dinner By Ordering Some Fried Chicken.

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The Northern Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – The magic of love and commitment can be had anywhere.  That anywhere happened to be the Northern Gentlemen’s club located in Fargo, North Dakota this past Thursday.

Amongst the smell of fish, piss, perfume, and sweat, love is in the air.  Disco Dan, as he’s known on the street, finally manned up and proposed to his dancer girlfriend of 2 long weeks.  Disco Dan didn’t plan it.  In fact it was a spur of moment idea.

Dan was on a date with his girlfriend at the Northern, enjoying a few beers.  In fact his girlfriend is a frequent and regular dancer here.  After seeing his girlfriend slide up and down the grease pole, shaking her booty, he started to get an idea.  But it was only after seeing a five dollar bill sticking inbetween her asshole and a thin piece of string called a thong that the idea of marriage seemed like a good idea.

Dan then got up from his sticky bar seat, reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out a ring he had been carrying with him since he won it at the local Walmart vending machine.  He took the ring out of its protective plastic bubble, put it on his girlfriends hand while she was motor boating a local patron and asked the magic words, “Will you marry me?”

After putting her ass cheeks into the face of the man giving her money, she said, “YES!”

When Dan’s future wife was done dancing, the two proceeded to celebrate their new engagement by ordering fried chicken for dinner.  A wedding date has yet to be scheduled.

 

walmart

Crappy Christmas gift return lines already forming outside Wal Mart

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2012 Presidental Election Romney Loss WalmartFargo, ND – Not even a handful of hours after Aunt Edna gave you that putrid, two-sizes-too-small sweater for Christmas, you are ready to return it for cash. Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Edna’s purse, you scrooge!? Ugly socks, pajama pants, Crocs, Just For Men, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Wally World eager to trade in their crap for money.

Long lines have begun to form outside of your neighborhood Wal Mart, as is holiday shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:

Emily, 16-
“I am NOT a size 4. I am EASILY a size 3, or a 2 on a good day. I can’t wear this!”

Ron, 46-
“Apparently the wife thinks my hair is greying or whatever. That’s bull. I have a perfectly natural look going.”

Adam, 33-
“This jacket won’t get me laid. It looks like something a street urchin would wear.”

These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for Wal Mart so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Wednesday”. The Observer can only hope they don’t get caught up in a money-hungry Black Friday-esque stampede that we Americans are notorious for.

For the rest of you, we wish you Happy Holidays! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gift!

Mitt Romney Doing “Just Fine” After Losing Election

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Mitt-Romney-Political-Cyborg2San Diego, CA – The 2012 Presidential election lived up to the hype as one of the more polarizing elections in political history. The ups and downs of debating, campaigning, gaffing, 47%-ing, and polling helped create some of the most entertaining democracy of all time. Business as usual will continue for President Obama, but the Observer was left to wonder how Mitt Romney is coping after the election.

 

The Observer caught up with the former Republican nominee at his home in San Diego for a little one-on-one…

FM Observer: Hello, Governor Romney. Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

Mitt Romney: Oh, ha ha. You’re welcome. You can call me Mittledon.

FMO: Mittledon?

MR: Yes, Mittledon. It is my given name.

FMO: Ok…Mittledon… Thank you for having me. Now that the campaigning and election hoopla is over, how are you and the Mrs. spending your time these days?

MR: Ann and I are fine. We have been fine and will be. Ann enjoys to snippet pictures of reasonably-priced goods from newspaper mailings. I have taken up the hobby of the reading of web publications.

FMO: So, Ann clips coupons and you are an internet addict? Is that accurate?

MR: Yes, completely.

FMO: Hm. Lovely. Is this retirement? Are you effectively retired from your work as a politician?

MR: Ha ha, not entirely! I will still consult for the office of Massachusetts Governor as a private consultant. Ann with her charitable work. I also spend time with my many children, Tagg, Batt, Rigg, Mock, and Fudd.

FMO: Are your children getting into politics?

MR: They are not.

FMO: (confused)…uh…ok. So, tell me, your work as a private investor has proven to be a very successful venture. Do you have any advice for young people who want to get into investing?

MR: Certainly. I would tell them to make smart decisions for the good of the company you are investing for. Money is a tool, and a very valuable one. The more tools a company has, the more prepared it is to function in an American society. Get your tools, polish them, center them and use them to help the business. Would you like to see my tool collection?

FMO: Yes.

MR: (Mittledon leads me into his master bedroom. In it, I am shown a king-sized bed constructed out of laminated $100 bills. It is magnificent.) This is how Ann and I keep our bed at night.

FMO: Jesus…it’s…breathtaking.

MR: I know, it is. I have one just like it back home in Boston. The mattress is stuffed with a mixture of shredded $100 bills and Orca whale blubber. The softest, richest mattress the planet has ever known.

FMO: This is just fantastic. You’ve done very well for yourself, Mittledon.

MR: Ann and I thank you for saying so. (We leave the bedroom)

FMO: So what’s next for Mitt Romney? Do you have a 5-year plan in mind?

MR: Ann and I will take our time deciding. I suspect I will be called upon to assist with various aspects of political prowess for the Republican party. If so, that is fine. If not, there may certainly come a time in which I will be asked to donate my body to science. Would you like to ask a follow-up question to that statement?

FMO: (confused again) Um…sure. (long pause)…Why would you consider donating your body to science, Mittledon?

MR: I am comprised of a fusion of mechanic microorganisms and people flesh. There was an experiment done many years ago, well ahead of its time. I am the result of that experiment. Ha ha, but the details of that experiment are for another time. Ann and I thank you, you should go now.

FMO: (I lock eyes with Mittledon. I notice a very rapid quivering of his pupils.) Ok, Mr. Romney I thank you for the opportunity! 

MR: You. Are welcome.

Instagram Changes Terms Of Service

Instagram Changes Terms Of Service. Users Threaten To Stop Taking Shitty Pictures.

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Instagram Changes Terms Of ServiceFargo, ND – On Monday, Instagram, the popular photo app and website, updated its terms of service.  This left its large user base unhappy and threatening to stop taking shitty pictures and leaving the app and website all together.

Instagram stated:

Some or all of the Service may be supported by advertising revenue. To help us deliver interesting paid or sponsored content or promotions, you agree that a business or other entity may pay us to display your username, likeness, photos (along with any associated metadata), and/or actions you take, in connection with paid or sponsored content or promotions, without any compensation to you. If you are under the age of eighteen (18), or under any other applicable age of majority, you represent that at least one of your parents or legal guardians has also agreed to this provision (and the use of your name, likeness, username, and/or photos (along with any associated metadata)) on your behalf.

You acknowledge that we may not always identify paid services, sponsored content, or commercial communications as such.

 

Basically, Instagram wants to sell your shitty pictures to companies that may want to use them.

This didn’t sit well with it’s users.  They took to facebook and twitter, as well as collectively voiced their disdane on every blog they could find.  Some actually deleted their accounts.  But get this, some actually put down their phone and bathed, ate, and called their significant other to try and savor whatever relationship they had left.

You see, instagramers are always instagramming.  There is no time for anything else.  One instagrammer stated, “It’s like a drug.  Everything I see I feel the NEED to take a picture of it and totally destroy it with instagram.  Like yesterday, I took a dump, and totally had to take a picture of it.  I turned shit into worse shit.  You see?”

Instagram was just testing the waters.  They wanted to see how much they could get away with and seemed to have crossed the line a tish too much.  Today they came out with a reply:

The language we proposed also raised question about whether your photos can be part of an advertisement. We do not have plans for anything like this and because of that we’re going to remove the language that raised the question. Our main goal is to avoid things likes advertising banners you see in other apps that would hurt the Instagram user experience. Instead, we want to create meaningful ways to help you discover new and interesting accounts and content while building a self-sustaining business at the same time.

Basically they said, “LOL…JUST KIDDING!! HA HA!”

Wait until Instragram finds a better lawyer with a better use of words.  This way instagrammers will still be clueless and can continue on taking pictures of banana peels, socks, carpet, and basically everything else.

Morgan Freeman dies, makes statement about Newtown shooting

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Not dead

Not dead

Los Angeles, CA – Morgan Freeman has been a busy man lately. In between dying multiple times in the past year on Twitter (only to come back to life again and again) and being most certainly, 100% dead on Facebook, the famed movie actor with the golden voice has lent his vocal talents and genuine opinion to us via a shared internet post.  A long-winded, blameful statement from Internet Morgan Freeman about the unfortunate event in Newtown, Connecticut went viral over the weekend:

 

“You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.

It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine?[…]”

 

The purported ‘statement’ continues on as a media-bashing diatribe of epic proportions. Why on Earth the real Morgan Freeman would take to Facebook to make his opinion on this matter known is beyond me. As a matter of fact, it isn’t true. Freeman’s publicist has since contradicted this ‘statement’ with a statement of his own, calling the Facebook blabber a complete fabrication.

It just goes to show you, not everything you read on the internet should be believed. Except the stuff you read on the FM Observer. We would never lie to you. Never! (winky face)

Christmas Ballsack Ornament

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London – A London ad agency and orchid, a testicular cancer organization, have teamed up to to offer “Bauballs.”

bauballs

You may check out their website here.

Decorate your tree with some festive bravado and help a good cause by grabbing or sharing some Bauballs. We’ve teamed up with Orchid to create some Christmas tree ornaments that raise money and awareness of testicular cancer.

 

STEP-3 STEP-1 STEP-2

 

The product images above speak for themselves.  How could you say no to these?  Unfortunately these balls only come in the color red and not blue.

Pimp Academy opening in downtown Fargo

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Fargo, ND – A young, flashy entrepreneur is bringing his tacky-yet-unapologetic business local. Ricky Duffman, CFO of Vandelay Industries, (the developer of a very lucrative smartphone app) has taken to the streets of lonely old Fargo to chase his ultimate dream. What is his ultimate dream, you ask? The proliferation of Pimp Nation. Duffman is getting the paperwork together to open Fargo’s first and only Pimp Academy.

Bishop Duff’s Academy of Pimp, or B-DAP as it shall be known henceforth, will be a come-one-come-all school of Pimpology. According to Duffman, B-DAP will provide a series of learning seminars geared to educate eager, young, inexperienced pimps. It will not only be aimed at street pimps, but pimps of a different nature. Mr. Duffman breaks it down:

“I’m gonna be educatin’ peeps young and old on how to best pimp. Don’t matter if you wanna pimp hoes, your friends, or your job and whatnot. Pimps wear many different hats. Bill Gates? He’s a pimp. Bishop Don Magic Juan? Also a pimp. Hillary Clinton? Huge pimp. See, pimpin’ ain’t only about hoes anymore. Pimpin’ is all around us.”

Duffman is all set to move in to the vacant suite across from the Subway in downtown Fargo. The Observer would like to wish Duffman best of luck with his new business and the proliferation of Pimp Nation.