Category Archives: News

Android Gets Instagram. Apple Fans’ Buttholes Hurt.

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Fargo, ND – The ever so popular Instagram iPhone application popular among dirty hipsters and dumb fucks in general, was released for Android a couple days ago.  In case you didn’t know how much I love Instagram, you can read my rant Instragram Sucks and So Do You.  Following the release, butthurt Apple fans took to Twitter and Facebook to vent their hate and disgust.  As if you didn’t need anymore reasons to hate these prime candidates for natural dissection, continue below.

 

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how_about_you_kill_yourself_apple_fanboy

Somebody needs to tell this fanboy that Steve Jobs didn't create the Instagram app.

 

While working on putting this article together, I learned that there is an actually hashtag on twitter named #teamiphone.  Seriously, what is wrong with these people?  After browsing twitter with this hashtag I am no longer annoyed by apple fanboys but now absolutely despise them and wouldn’t think twice about dropping a bomb on these corporate masterbaters.  So now with the release of instagram on android, we can look forward to more ephemeromorphs taking shitty pictures.  Great day for humanity.  Great day indeed.

runner fargo moorhead

Running, Rollerblading, Biking, Hotties, Causing Car Crashes Across The Fargo-Moorhead Area.

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runner fargo moorheadFargo, ND – You can tell spring is finally here as seen by the boners casually sticking out of men’s shorts or the increase of car crashes across the Fargo-Moorhead area.  Fargo-Moorhead has seen a dramatic increase of car crashes since fresh air and nice weather has graced the region.  Since Monday, there have been a total of 10 automobile accidents and all of them were males behind the wheel.

One crash was report on 25th st and 32nd ave in South Fargo.  We spoke with the man involved in the accident and asked how it all happened.

“Well I was listening to the song Dancing Queen by ABBA and rolling down the street pretty hard.  I looked to my left and saw a huge rack of big ol’ titties bouncing up and down to the beat of the same song I was listening to.  She was just riding her bike all hot and stuff.  Next thing I knew, the front of my car was halfway through the back end of the car in front of me.”

We were on location of another accident on 9th st e and 18th ave e West Fargo.  We asked Peter File how it all went down.

“I was just driving around Cheney Middle School over and over you know?  I was uh, just bored on my day off.  I spilled some pop on my crotch and was wiping it up when something passed the corner of my eye.  I looked over to see a very sexy young lady on roller blades.  The last thing I remember was seeing her sweaty nipples through her white shirt.  It was glorious!  Then I crashed my car into a light pole and that sucked.  I blacked out for 10 minutes but I will always remember the nipple sweat.”

Lastly we spoke with James who veered off the road, went down a ditch, jumped 2ft over a hill and finally landed in a man made lake.

“I was simply minding my own business when I saw two girlfriends in short shorts running down the road.  I was imagining how cool it would be for them to just stop running and start making out.  That’s when I veered off the road like the dukes of hazzard.

This beautiful weather is only going to get nicer so we can only hope we see more barley dressed women hopping around like not a care in the world.  I apologize.  What I meant was, as it’s only the start of spring, this weather is only going to get nicer.  Let’s pay attention to our fellow drivers and keep our eyes on the road.

Cone Monster signals Construction season has arrived in North Dakota

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Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.

This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.

The Cone Monster is coming to reap!

Moorhead Library

A New generation in Moorhead is breaking the librarian stereotype

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Moorhead LibraryMoorhead, MN – As I walked into the library, the cool air with a tint of old book smell hit my nose.  It reminded me of my young days in elementary school.  Looking around I could see piles of books stacked up around me.  Some books look used and worn while other books looked lonely and unused.  Walking towards the back I couldn’t stop thinking about the stories behind all these books.  Where have they been?  How have they been treated?  As I was thinking I stumbled into a pale white figure hiding in the shadows.

Scared, I asked the sickly looking young adult if it needed help.  “Help?” it asked.  “I was going to ask YOU if you needed something.  I’m the librarian.”  Vampire boy has been a librarian for three years now.  White, pale looking skin, and fake vampire teeth is not your stereotypical appearance of a librarian.  He is not the only one.  A new generation of 20-somethings are breaking the stereotypical librarian role.  Vampires and wizards have been showing up in libraries across the US.  Movie series such as Twilight and Harry Potter have spawned a generation of wannabe vampires and magic spewing young adults.  Instead of nice quiet ladies with glasses, slightly greying hair, and a warming smile, we are now being greeted with black eyeliner, fake vampire teeth and pale skinned freaks.  Wannabe wizards with fake capes and fake superpowers have also been spotted.

For Harry Potter (yes this was his real name), he thought about attending college after high school.  Instead, he is a library assistant in Moorhead, MN.

“Initially I thought about studying quantum mechanics at Harvard but the library kept drawing me in.  Where else could I get paid to study magical powers and spell casting?  This, this is what brought me here.”

Last week a student came in and wanted to know how to cast a fire spell.  Harry Potter knew exactly how to help him.  Another young adult came in yesterday wondering how to drink blood.  Vampire boy knew exactly how to help the lad.

In the end it comes down to customer service.  What better way to provide customer service then to hire vampire boy and harry potter to help with your library needs.

North Dakota State University (NDSU) Bison

Cuts are coming to North Dakota State University. Dean Bresciani Faces Tough Decisions.

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Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University Head Mafia Boss President Dean Bresciani is facing very VERY tough decisions these days.  This comes after the State Board Of Higher Education denied a request for a half-percent hike in NDSU’S tuition. ” Waa Waa Waa” was heard from people who actually have a door to enter their office on the NDSU campus.  They were last seen crawling out of their offices, opening the door, and peeing on everyone in a cubicle.

In another example of “We can’t make this up” the President Dean Bresciani said, “there’s nothing left to cut.”  With President Deans ridiculous salary of over 300k, we at the FM Observer know exactly where to cut it.  Instead of cutting heads off mafia style Bresciani, let’s cut your salary.  What do you actually do that warrants 300k a year when your “subordinates” probably do all the work anyways?  Not to mention last year, the top dogs, which included you, were given pay raises approved via North Dakota’s Board of Higher Fuck You In Your Ass.  Even with that kind of money you couldn’t buy a hooker hot enough to give your ugly faces a lap dance.

More common sense from the common folk Bresciani, had this to say, “”We’ll try to shave that bone versus cutting that bone.” “We want to do everything possible to preserve the educational environment here.”  He left out “cutting that bone” to include him and his cronies salary.  That means doing everything necessary to GIVE ME RAISE he meant.  One year ago the board of higher education approved a nearly 9% tuition increase at NDSU but yet earlier that year approved a raise to the d bags who don’t even deserve it.

Good job higher education.  Take all the money you can.  Your bubble will soon BUST and then your left with Karma.  This Karma gal is a complete bitch we heard.

Man falls off bridge into the Red River in Fargo-Moorhead

Man apparently falls off a railroad bridge in North Fargo.

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Fargo, ND – Authorities Sunday night pulled a man out of the Red River.  The man was believed to be walking on the railroad tracks that are located between Fargo and Moorhead when he allegedly fell in the river.  Witnesses were on scene but are telling different stories.  One witness stated he saw the man clumsily stumble, fall off, and do a vicious belly flop into the river followed by an, “Ow Ow Ow”.  Other witnesses stated they saw the man approach the end of the bridge, bend his knees as if to test the flexibility of the bridge, raise his hands in the air, and jump off.  While in the air, this flying Fargo man was seen doing somersault type maneuvers which then turned into what looked like a flying swan.  This story was confirmed by at least 3 witnesses.

After police pulled the man out of the river we learned the man was actually an Olympic diver training for the London 2012 Games.  Since it is winter most of the year in Fargo-Moorhead, this high dive flying swan said there is no better way to train then diving off a bridge in the middle of the night while dodging ice and frozen water while landing.  Tragically, no alcohol was involved.

Fargo Buffalo Wild Wings Patron Goes Ape Shit

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Fargo, ND – Patron at the Buffalo Wild Wings on 42nd street was seen going totally apeshit after winning a singular round of bar trivia this evening. The minute his name flashed on the big screen, ape like behavior was witnessed along with grunting noises and scraping of the armpits.  Witnesses said they saw him hurl poop into a victims open mouth while they were trying to eat.  Ape boy was last seen holding his boner while jumping through a glass window.

Struggling website Google+ threatens suicide

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Mountain View, CA – In a not-too-surprising outcry stemming from lack of acceptance, the struggling social networking website Google+ has been audibly lamenting ever being born with threats of self-harm and suicide. The abandoned website was recently seen on a Super Bowl commercial pandering for attention as well as other small TV spots advertising its “hangouts” feature which only truly works as a novelty. This futile effort to garner attention has left the website feeling downtrodden and alone. It had this to say:

“Maybe i’ll just go away. Maybe then you’ll all like me. I’m going to kill myself. I think I might do it. I THINK I MIGHT DO IT! Helllooooooo??? Anybody there?? ANYBODYYYY??? Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m cool now. It’s all good, guys! Let’s have a Hangout! (silence)….guys…..? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOO???”

In a time when social networking is becoming more and more accessible and people from across the world are gaining access to smartphones and internet with greatest of ease, one of the most popular brand names on the internet is having the hardest time finding social networking acceptance. Hey, Google+, when you finally pass away from Chronic Internet Obscurity Disease and go to website heaven, say hi to Google Wave for us.

Arby's

Arby’s Rated “Best Place To Work” In Fargo.

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Fargo, ND – Arby’s located at 1415 42nd ST S. Fargo, ND has been voted “Best Place To Work” after a recent poll was conducted on employees around the city.  Arby’s motto “It’s Good Mood Food” seems to ring true in this glorious place of employment.  When we entered the establishment for interviews we were greeted with not happy employees but jubilant employees apparently on cloud nine.  We asked Janet why this was the best place to work, “You’re beautiful did you know that?  You are great.  We haven’t seen the likes of you ’round these parts in a long time.  You have a great smile.  I love you.”

We were certainly taken back by such nice hospitality and didn’t really know how to respond.  We ended up slowly backing out the same way we came in and ran to our cars.  “Good Mood Food” is truly an accurate motto.

Rush Limbaugh

Rock 102 FM’s news radio makeover causes expected uproar

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Fargo, ND – Was there ever any doubt that residents occupying the broadcast area of the Rock 102 FM radio frequency would voice their discontent over the channel’s new talk radio format changeover? Not in the slightest. Regular people like you and I have made their voices heard to the Observer over what many have labeled a “totally pointless and unjustified” switch-over from Rock 102 to Talk 101.9 FM:

Randy, West Fargo:

– “Four straight hours of Rush every day?! Hell yeah! [singing] FLY BY NIGHT!! Wait…what? Rush LIMBAUGH?? Aw, come on! Buzzkill!!!”

Elise, Fargo:

– “Oh, wow, this is terrific. If I wanted to hear a fat blowhard spew misogynistic hate venom at me for 4 hours every day in crystal clear audio i’d have dinner at my in-laws’ house.”

Bret, Fargo:

– “Q98 plays the same crap lineup of recycled one-hit-wonders from the 90s and early 2000s on a daily basis. Pathetic. One less competing rock station gets me that much closer to boycotting radio altogether.”

Adam, Mapleton:

– “What’s Rock 102 FM?”

Steven, Casselton:

– “I’m pretty sure if you fire Scotch, Tank and Ginger, you’re going to lose 3 talented radio personalities to a competing station. That, or lose 3 radio personalities and gain 3 cart-pushers at Hornbacher’s. Hey-ooo!!!”

This expected turn of events has me wondering: When will it end? Will the city of Fargo keep descending into utter pop culture obscurity until there’s nothing cool around to celebrate, thus turning everything here so pathetically lame that i’m forced to make fun of it until i’m run out of town? Only time will tell.