Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions

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Maybe Baby thinks you’re stupid.

The FM Observer is proud to add another expert to our growing staff. Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. is a well-respected pediatrician with special training in teaching parents how to identify the causes of some of the problems they might be having with their baby.

We really hope these 20 tips will be helpful to some new parents with new babies. All 20 of the problems have been bolded for quick reference in case of emergency.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. says:

If your baby is yellow, maybe baby is jaundice because it has contracted Hepatitis A.

If your baby is turning blue, maybe baby is choking on that chicken bone you gave it to play with.

If your baby always tries to scratch your face, maybe baby doesn’t like how you look.

If your baby is fussy and you believe in reincarnation, maybe baby didn’t want to be born again.

If your baby is making repeated hand gestures, maybe baby wants you to learn sign language.

If your baby is pointing and laughing at you, maybe baby thinks you’re stupid.

If your baby seems hungry but will not eat, maybe baby thinks you’re a shitty cook.

If your baby hasn’t messed its diaper in days, maybe baby doesn’t give a crap.

If your baby has tummy trouble, maybe baby ingested some cleaning products you left out.

If your baby needs to burp a lot, maybe baby shouldn’t be drinking a bottle of sparkling champagne.

If your baby wants more stimulation, maybe baby doesn’t like living in a cardboard box.

If your baby wants less stimulation, maybe baby is freaking out from watching Nightmare On Elm Street.

If your baby won’t sleep, maybe baby has started using crystal meth.

If your baby sleeps all the time, maybe baby is clinically depressed because it hates your family.

If your baby is constantly teething, maybe baby has gingivitis and needs a root canal.

If your baby feels hot, maybe baby shouldn’t be wearing a down jacket while drinking hot cocoa.

If your baby feels cold, maybe baby has frostbite from being left outside.

If your baby wants to be held, maybe baby is afraid of the pair of pit bulls under its crib.

If your baby doesn’t want to be held, maybe baby doesn’t trust you after being dropped multiple times.

If your baby is crawling on the ceiling, maybe baby and you are trapped inside the movie Trainspotting.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. would be happy to hear if any of these tips have helped you and your baby. If you have other problems, please do not hesitate to contact our newest staff expert for more excellent free advice. The phone number for Dr. Fenster is: 1-800-MAYBE-BABY.

Weirdos Believe Secret Underground Community Exists Beneath Hollywood Hills

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What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

Hollywood, CA—Several mentally-troubled outsiders believe there exists a secret underground celebrity community beneath the rolling hills of Hollywood, California. Locals are skeptical, but crazies are convinced that there’s stuff going on underneath the Earth, beneath the HOLLYWOOD sign.

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Zion

Conspiracy theorists have presented non-factual evidence of secret activities occurring beneath the Hills. “25 million people living in LA and absolutely nothing going on beneath the Earth’s crust? I don’t think so, Tim,” proclaimed veteran conspiracy theorist Kenneth Noisewater. “Look beneath the Hills, not with your eyes, but with your instincts…you will see an enchanted, subterranean village full of Beautiful People. Backstage at the Hollywood Bowl is one entrance. Jack Nicholson’s backyard, there is another.”

Nobody truly knows what’s going on under there, but weirdos are convinced that it’s absolutely not nothing. Geologists, on the other hand, refute these claims with scientific evidence that if such an underground community did exist, it wouldn’t for long because the weight of the Earth above would collapse it into itself like an incredibly massive sinkhole.

Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog

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Schnauzer devours priceless Thomas Edison documents.

Schnauzer devours priceless Thomas Edison documents.

Fargo, ND – Retired teacher Olydia Blankstad was living in her modest home at 414 Gregory Lane on a very limited retirement income from 50 years of teaching American history.

At the ripe age of 86, she had lost both her first and second husbands to cancer, and was now living with her faithful pet schnauzer, Mister Biscuits.

Recently, Olydia decided to look through some old stuff in her dusty, cold attic.

While snooping around, she discovered a very old folder that was hiding in a secret nook in the wall.

After she carefully pulled it out and blew off the dust, she opened up the aged, brown folder.

Looking through her tri-focal glasses, her eyes gazed at something that took her breath away.

The contents of the folder appeared to be the original documentation for patent number 223,898.

It was dated November 4, 1879.

The patent had been requested by a Mr. Thomas Alva Edison.

It was for an electric lamp that “used a carbon filament or strip coiled and connected to platina contact wires”.

Up in her attic, Ms. Olydia Blankstad had just found the original patent application for the incandescent light bulb.

Not long after, some top experts were called to Olydia’s home to check the authenticity of the document.

Once it was found to be the real thing, it was estimated that the value of the original light bulb patent was worth an astounding $10 million dollars.

After years of being poor, Olydia Blankstad was going to be mega-rich.

The experts temporarily put Thomas Edison’s light bulb patent down on the kitchen table to go into her living room to set up for a group photo shoot that was to be used in all the national publications.

While unattended, her hungry pet schnauzer wandered into the kitchen.

Mister Biscuits was curious about the old document and proceeded to jump up onto the kitchen table.

A few minutes later, when the photographer came into the kitchen to retrieve the valuable patent, he saw Mister Biscuits just finishing eating his $10 million dollar snack.

Upon hearing the news, Ms. Olydia Blankstad suddenly died of a heart attack.

Mister Biscuits was later put down.

And the incandescent light bulb has now been banned by our government.

North Dakota Farmer Takes Wrong Turn, Never Heard From Again

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Shitsville, ND

anywhere, ND

Lisbon, ND – A Lisbon-area wheat farmer has been reported missing. This vast expanse of frozen nothingness has swallowed up yet another victim, it seems, most likely from a missed turn on a gravel road.

Wendell Pierce was reportedly driving back to his farmstead last night after making a trip to Lisbon to pick up a few things. It is believed that during a drive-time fight with a fruit fly in his pickup, Wendell completely spaced turning into his gravel driveway on a remote country road in Southeastern ND and simply kept on going.

Mr. Pierce is now missing. He could be anywhere in the state as he does not own a GPS or a smartphone and the state is mainly comprised of nothing but miles and miles of white tundra bisected by uncharted and poorly-maintained gravel roads.

A statewide search has NOT yet been initiated due to the fact that local search and rescue is too scared to venture out into “The Abyss”. The Observer is asking that you pray like hell he finds his own way back because nobody is crazy enough to go out looking for him.

Recreational Use of Alcohol Now Legal In Colorado

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A happy Colorado citizen, drunk off of legally-purchased alcohol

A happy Colorado citizen, “drunk” off legally-purchased alcohol

Denver, CO—At the turn of the new year, legislation passed in the state of Colorado permitted  “liquor stores” to begin selling alcoholic beverages over-the-counter directly to citizens. This has infuriated MAID (Mothers Against Impaired Driving), who think that this move will open the floodgates to thousands upon thousands of alcohol-related deaths due to over-consumption of the drug, not to mention the increase in motor-vehicle casualties caused by intoxicated driving.

MAID has been fighting the good fight against stoned driving ever since its founder’s son was killed by a stoned driver, a driver who obtained the drug legally via one of the thousands of pot shops where marijuana is and has been legal to buy since prohibition ended in 1933. On a yearly basis, the nation does experience a handful of marijuana-related vehicle fatalities, but as of press time, there have been zero cases of overdose.

Alcohol, if illegally consumed at too high a quantity over a short period of time, can be fatal. It can also severely impair one’s hand-eye coordination. It is said that a mere 2 drinks consumed in under one hour can hinder one’s ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. Now, with easy accessibility of tasty alcoholic beverages, cases of alcohol poisoning and driving while intoxicated in Colorado are set to skyrocket.

Political analysts cannot even fathom how Colorado was able to pass this legislation. They say that even with no proven medicinal purpose, demand for legal recreational use of alcohol has increased substantially over the years leaving state lawmakers no choice but to decriminalize.

Meet the Press’s Gregory David:

“This new legislation will turn disastrous for Colorado. Its roads will become a haven for vehicular manslaughter and its people will start dying at insane numbers due to overconsumption. Colorado will become the most ridiculously dangerous state in the union now that alcohol is legal.”

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay

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A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

Green Gay, Wisconsin – Shortly after quarterback Aaron Rodgers recently denied being gay, he came out and denied that he made the original denial. The starr quarterback for the Green Bay Packers is essentially denying that he denied being gay.

To help analyze this mind twister, the FM Observer has asked Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D. to make sense of all this for us.

FM Observer: Dr. Farrell, what is going on here?

Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D.: Well, this is indeed a mind twister. A denial of a denial is getting into advanced psycho-analytics very quickly and deeply. Because I am a professional, I would say this is either a healthy thing for Aaron Rodgers, or it could be quite toxic. To first deny being gay, and then to deny the initial denial, could be a positive confirmation of Mr. Rodgers’ gayness. It could also be the result of multiple concussions leaving his brain in a permanent state of confusion. Unfortunately, it could also be a sign that lies upon lies are beginning to pile up. Aristotle once said: “The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousand fold.” Aaron Rodgers tried to prove he was not gay by stating that he is happily married. But this argument fell apart when it was discovered that his spouse’s first name is Bruce. Whether he is or is not gay is not the main issue here. What could become a serious problem is going down that dangerous path of denying a denial of a denial. If it never stops, it can be like walking into a house of mirrors, without wearing a helmet.

2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism

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"Is anybody out there?" he stated while eating his friends leg.

“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.

Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.

Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves.  Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.

One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus.  The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.

The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper,  to cut his friends leg off.

For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend.  Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.

“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it.  Blood everywhere.  There was a leg propped up on one of the seats.  It was horrible.”

The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower.  Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.

The mother would like to know what went wrong.

“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off?  Is this what they are teaching my child?  How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”

Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.

Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?

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Guess whose mouth this is and win a treasure chest of prizes.

Successfully guess whose mouth this is for a chance to win a treasure chest of prizes.

FM Observer Headquarters – As you know, January is National Mouth Month.

So, back by popular demand, we are once again having our annual Guess Whose Mouth This Is contest.

The winner will win a treasure trove of prizes selected expecially for that person.

Last year’s winner was Tubby Chitlin from Backwater, Arkansas.

Tubby successfully guessed the mouth of Clint Eastwood.

Tubby is hopefully still enjoying his stockpile of prizes, which included: two graphite plungers, a Mr. Science Ant Farm, an autographed picture of Shania’s Twain, and two unused tickets to the 1987 Super Bowl!

All you have to do to be our next wiener is successfully guess to whom does the pictured mouth belong.

All correct entries will be thrown into a special hat and our next winner will be randomly selected by our staff monkey, Tarzan.

Area Man Wants To Tell You All About Epic New Year’s Eve Party

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19161226_3de09088ef_bFargo, ND—Below-zero temps never stopped one area man from having a good time on New Year’s Eve! Vince Noisewater of Fargo had a rockin’ good time on New Year’s Eve, and now you’re gonna hear about it.

“What’d you do for new year’s, bro?” Vince asked, baiting you with an open-ended question just so he could fire back with intimate details of his Dec 31st exploits. “Yeah, I was at this rager. Shit, bro, you should’ve seen all the tail. Chicks were dressed up all fancy and junk. Man, it was epic.”

Vince went on to explain how much he drank and who he failed to get with at midnight. He even went as far as to depict what color his vomit was later that night. “Was crushing 99 Bananas shots all night, dog! It looked like I was peeing out my mouth!”

Chris Christie: “I want to eat more voters in 2014”

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Cannibal? Or just hungry?

The FM Observer was granted permission to speak with currently-seated New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R). In a recently staged phone interview, the Observer asked a series of questions pertaining to his political practice, a future presidential run, and the status of hurricane Sandy relief:

FM Observer: First and foremost, as many in the political circle are wondering, are you preparing a campaign for President in 2016?

Governor Christie: “President Christie. That has a nice ring to it! But we’ll see. Nothing engraved in stone at this time.”

FMO: In your opinion, is humanity as a whole moving in a positive or negative direction?

GC: “I think that from a political standpoint, we, as a species, are stagnating. There have been equal amounts of progression and regression—specifically in the realm of human rights—abortion rights and gay rights in particular. With all due respect to our political party and the GOP, I have to say we’ve been sticking our pudgy little sausage fingers where they might not belong. That’s something I intend to work on in my political future.”

FMO: What has been your biggest accomplishment so far?

GC: Let’s see (long pause)…my cooperation with President Obama during the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy was huge for me. A republican working alongside a disgustingly liberal democratic President to provide quick and sustainable emergency relief to the citizens of our great state was pretty remarkable.”

FMO: The end of 2013 is upon us, and what a year it’s been. Moving forward, what key political strategy would you like to employ as governor in 2014?

GC: “I want to reach out directly to the residents of New Jersey. I want to try to be more accessible, you know? I want to eat more voters in 2014. No, i’m sorry. Scratch that, ha ha—I want to meet more voters in 2014 (BURP). Oh my god, I can’t believe…I… i’m so embarrassed.”

A classic Freudian slip from Governor Christie, who has admittedly struggled with weight gain in recent years. Christie apologized profusely for the slip, reiterating that he does not wish to consume human flesh. He then stated off-the-record that he was distracted over the loss of hit television show “Breaking Bad” and the elimination of many starches from his diet. He then ended the interview.