Cat happily still receiving a monthly social security check.
Missoula, MT – Cat owner was “surprised as hell” when her young cat started receiving a monthly social security check. What started out as an apparent system glitch has compounded itself into some nice additional income. Connie Tompkin’s cat, Fritz, started receiving a monthly social security check about a year and a half ago.
“The first checks, made out to ‘Fritz Tompkins’, were in the amount of $687.50” explains Connie. “Fritz and I both thought they would eventually just stop on their own. But instead, the amount of the checks has recently been increased to $803!”
Regarding what’s being done with the money, Connie has been endorsing and cashing the checks, since she is Fritz’s legal guardian with full power-of-attorney. Connie says that a small part of the money is being donated to the local humane society, since that’s where she and Fritz first met. The rest of the money is going into a “vacation fund” for both Fritz and Connie. They’ve taken a series of trips to some cat-friendly destinations, and are currently planning a two-week stay on Catalina Island.
As for the glitch, no one from the Social Security Administration was willing to comment on this matter, except for saying that it’s not really happening.
My paycheck is about to take a hit in the year 2013. The fiscal cliff deal finally went through. What does that mean? Well, there are a lot of things but the one thing that effects me is the extra money that will be taken out of my paycheck.
Since the fiscal cliff deal passed, wage earners will now pay a 6.2% payroll tax. Previously there was a 2 year plan in play where we all enjoyed a 4.2%. Now that party is over and I’m hungover. There are more taxes coming for the rich. I’m not rich but if I were I’d still approve of the government taking more and more of my money.
You would think that I’m mad, angry, or bitter. Well, I’m not. The party didn’t end for me. I’m going to continue to rock it out. You see, I enjoy the government taking more money out of my paycheck.
Everyday I wish the government could take even more money out of my paycheck. I wish I could live, work, and breathe everyday for the government. I don’t trust myself with money. In fact just yesterday I bought a foot tanner. Why? Why the hell not? Last week I went into the dollar store and bought 50 different items simply because they were only a dollar. Now I don’t know what to do with the stuff. Those things are just sitting in a pile in my living room. I’ll probably throw them away next month when I get sick of looking at them, then go buy more stuff at the dollar store for the hell of it.
I live the American dream and it’s America baby! I definitely feel and trust that the government can spend my money better then I can. They have many good quality programs that they give my money to. For example, spending $744,000 for a new soccer field at Guantanamo Bay. That’s legit. It’s better than a foot tanner. Every individual should get puffy cotton robes to relax in after a shower as well. Or how about the $2.6 billion federal agencies spend on printing. It’s pretty obvious the government hates trees. Everyday I bet those employees get into the office and say to themselves, “Trees suck! I’m going to test print like 50 pages today! Fuck trees!” I can get behind that. Trees are worthless. We don’t need them. It’s money better spent than me wasting 50 dollars on 50 useless dollar store items.
I don’t like being responsible and I like slaving away everyday at a middle class job so other people have more money to spend. More money being my money. It’s fantastic. I’m doing a good deed and surely raking up the karma points. Karma points I myself can spend on things even though karma is imaginary.
That is why I say TAX ME MORE.
How about you? Do you like others spending your money? Are you going to continue to party in 2013 like me?
Fargo, ND – A young local chess prodigy wants all home-schooled children to form teams. Cooper Sterling has been a chess master since age six. He claims that being home-schooled really allowed him to excel in areas of personal interest to him. His parents found out early on that chess was a talent he was born with when he embarrassed a traveling chess grandmaster at the young age of four.
“One drawback to being home schooled, however, is you don’t get to be on any teams”, Cooper said. He would like to start out by forming a local chess team of other home-schooled children. “From there, the sky’s the limit”, he added, with a smile.
Cooper eventually would like to form home-schooled teams to compete with local schools in debate, ping-pong, and even some track & field events. As for Cooper, he also has some personal goals set for his next few years. They include: marketing his own line of Think & Thrive board-games, and designing and building his own underground home.
UFC 155 just wasn’t the same without the great Mike Goldberg commentating alongside Joe Rogan this weekend. Apparently he had to take sometime off and rest at home due to an illness.The UFC is not sure when Mike Goldberg will return so Jon Anik will be filling in for him for the foreseeable future.
Dana White stated..
“Goldie’s out for a while and I don’t know when he’ll be back,”
Hopefully it’s nothing too serious and Mike Goldberg can return as quick as possible.
So, in spirit of Mike Goldberg, I’ll post some funny Mike Goldberg quotes that have been floating around the internet for years now.
Joe Rogan: “Think of leg kicks as like in a video game. The more they take, their power goes right down.”
Goldberg: “I know what you’re thinking, mighty ball mighty ball DEEP DEEP DEEP!”
Joe Rogan: Does best to ignore that and continue talking about the fightMike Goldberg: “He’s got him in some kind of strange choke I’ve never seen before!”
Joe Rogan: “That’s a rear naked choke.”Joe Rogan: “Karo is wide open!”
Mike Goldberg: “Diaz smells the opening.”
Mike Goldberg: “You can hear the corner speaking portuguese!”
Joe Rogan: “Uh, that’s Japanese, brother”
Mike Goldberg: “I should have known that.”
Joe Rogan: “You’re the one married to a Japanese chick.”
Mike Goldberg: “That is correct.”
Frank Shamrock: “Ohhhh huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “Big knee!”
Frank Shamrock: “That was a huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “That knee was big!”
UFC 68
Goldberg: “Welcome back, Randy Couture. This fight brought to you by…” Sylvia gets knocked down in the first 8 seconds*
Rogan: “Big right hand! Sylvia is down!”
Goldberg: “…Shooter. Starring Mark Wahlberg in theatres next Friday.”
UFC 76 Machida vs. Nakamura
Mike Goldberg: “And here is Nakamura…entering the octagon for the 1st time…touching the fence for the first time.”
Joe Rogan: (laughs)“You running out things to say?”
Mike Goldberg: “Yeah. Kinda(laughs). You? You know, you could help out and chime in once in a while…”
UFC 79 Sokoudjou Vs. Machida
Mike Goldberg: “Because SOAKoudjou is so highly touted, you almost want to sit back and watch and SOAK it in.”
Mike Goldberg: “Don’t forget coming up next it’s Blade the series…plenty of action, violence, vampire sexuality!”
Rogan: “Vampire sexuality, what’s that?”
Goldberg: “I don’t know, it was on a card they put in front of me”
UFC 84 Wanderlei Silva vs Keith Jardine
After Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva knocks Keith Jardine out
Goldberg: “The Iceman is back to his winning ways!”
“The Dean of Mean” Keith Jardine vs Kerry Schall
Goldberg: “If Jardine’s last name were Johnson, the nickname Dean of Mean would make no sense.”
UFC 71 Parisyan vs Burkman
Joe Rogan: “He’s getting instructions in two different languages.”
Mike Goldberg: “He understands them both!”
on Travis Lutter
Mike Goldberg: “He’s like the Michael Jordan of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu!”
Joe Rogan: “No, he’s not”
Mike Goldberg: “Larry Bird?”
Joe Rogan: “Uhm, no.”
Mike Goldberg: “Kobe Bryant?”
Joe Rogan: “…”
UFC 74 Couture vs Gonzaga
Joe Rogan: “Here’s a beautifull left hook by Gonzaga.” Mike Goldberg: “Yup, You can clearly see his nose explode there.” Joe Rogan: “I don’t think that was it actually, the thing that damaged his nose was in a takedown.” Mike Goldberg: “Oh, Gotcha!”
Clip of Randy taking Gonzaga down (not the headbutt one)
Goldberg: “Oh yeah, you’re right, thats it, pardon me.” Rogan: “I don’t think it was there either, i think it was in another takedown.” Goldberg: “Oh.”
Clip of Randy slamming Gonzaga, which caused the broken nose due to a headbutt*
Rogan: “I believe this is what caused it, watch as he takes Gonzaga down, they both collide heads, BAM, thats it, right there.” Goldberg: “Oh, good call, good call.”
on Kenny Florian after taking a groin shot
Goldberg: “… So you want to be an Ultimate Fighter?”
on “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver vs. John Lewis
After “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver knocked Lewis out*
Goldberg: “”Lil’ Eagle” flies again!”
TUF 7 Finale
(on Diego Sanchez’s conditioning)
Goldberg: “It must take a lot of energy just to keep that mean look on his face”
Random Quotes
Goldberg: “He’s unrelentless!”
Goldberg: “You know Roy Jones Jr. respects the hands of Forrest Griffin.”
Goldberg: “And here we go!”
Goldberg: “And it’s all over!”
Goldberg: “That eye is rocked!”
Goldberg: “Could we be blessed with a 3rd round?”
Goldberg: “Continuing on his meteoric rise!”
Goldberg: “You know Joe, When Matt and his brother Mark Hughes were growing up they would pound each other behind the barn!”
This isn’t the first time I’ve read some song lyrics and it left me completely speechless, confused, and scared at the same time.
This weeks Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week are from the Artist named Flo Rida (because he rides flows?) from the song I Cry (We all do flo. We all do.) The track was first released on September 18, 2012 as the fourth single from his fourth studio album, Wild Ones.
Ok, let’s get started. But, there’s a problem. I don’t know where to start. I’ve read the lyrics from I Cry and it made ME cry because it was so TERRIBLE and CONFUSING. See below.
I know you wanna get behind the wheel Only 1 Rida
Eyes shut still got me swimming like a diver
Can’t let go I got fans in Okinawa
My heart to japan quake losers and surviours
Norway no you didn’t get my flowers
No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward
Face just showers, the minute in a hour
Heard about the news all day went sour
Lil mama got me feeling like a limit here
Put you in the box just the presidents cigarettes
Give em my regards or regardless I get arrested
Ain’t worried about the killers just the young & restless
Get mad coz the quarter million on my necklace
DUI never said I was driving reckless
You & I or jealously was not oppressive
Oh no I can’t stop I was Destined
You know those people who have legit and severe Attention Deficit Disorder? Where a conversation goes like this:
ADD Person: Hey. What’s up? You see Adrian Peterson run over everyone last week? It was awesome.
Me: Yea. He ran like a….
ADD Person: Uh Huh. Yea. Man the government spends too much. Don’t ya think?
Me: Well they certainly….
ADD Person: I have to poop.
Me: You have to what?
ADD Person: Was that a bird or a bat outside? Is it raining? Damn, I have to go grocery shopping today.
Well, that is basically Flo Rida. A terrible singer and songwriter with severe attention deficit disorder.
Can anyone read those lyrics and figure out W….T…..F Mr. Flo Rida is talking about? Because I can’t. He’s all over the board. One sentence he says, “Norway no you didn’t get my flowers” and in the very next he says, “No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward.” I can’t even make fun of it because it makes absolutely zero sense and I’m so confused. After reading those lyrics I’m pretty sure you or your worthless writer just looked in the dictionary, closed your eyes, and randomly pointed at words then put them together to try and form a sentence.
Mr. Flo Rida, your lyrics are definitely terrible.
Ladies and gentlemen, lay your eyes on the official FM Observer Pimp Cup. It’s a cup. It’s a shaker. It’s even a flashlight. If you run out of bullets, use the ones that are fashioned around the base of the pimp cup. This is the beginning and the end. The alpha and the omega. It’s everything everyone has ever warned you about.
My first post of death metal band name ideas was so helpful, I’m providing my services yet again. Below is post #2 of death metal band name ideas. Again, please thank Bill Burns or the FM Observer if you use any of the ideas below for your band. Any of these names are sure to get your band started off the right foot and kicking ass all over the planet.
Unicorn Dicks of Death Ass Fisters of Furry
Fatal Rotting Diseased Grandmas
Chronic Vommit
Robot Abortion
Revolting Baby Dismemberment
Cadaver Fuckers
Fat Roll Slammers W/Piss Farts
Death Devourment
Ball Sack Explosion
Chemical Plague
Lethal Snot Bomb
Pit Spike
Ginger Goats of Masturbation
Poo Stew
Diseased Breast Implants
Cock Grinder
Elephant Rapers
Cyclops Hookers
Bucket of Evil Tits
Stool Soup
Toilet of Acid
Coffin Robber Pimps
and last but not least…..
The Fart Fuckers On Acid Mountain of Morbid Carcass Masturbation Chevy Truck Bed Skunk Piss Barbie
Fargo, ND – The magic of love and commitment can be had anywhere. That anywhere happened to be the Northern Gentlemen’s club located in Fargo, North Dakota this past Thursday.
Amongst the smell of fish, piss, perfume, and sweat, love is in the air. Disco Dan, as he’s known on the street, finally manned up and proposed to his dancer girlfriend of 2 long weeks. Disco Dan didn’t plan it. In fact it was a spur of moment idea.
Dan was on a date with his girlfriend at the Northern, enjoying a few beers. In fact his girlfriend is a frequent and regular dancer here. After seeing his girlfriend slide up and down the grease pole, shaking her booty, he started to get an idea. But it was only after seeing a five dollar bill sticking inbetween her asshole and a thin piece of string called a thong that the idea of marriage seemed like a good idea.
Dan then got up from his sticky bar seat, reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out a ring he had been carrying with him since he won it at the local Walmart vending machine. He took the ring out of its protective plastic bubble, put it on his girlfriends hand while she was motor boating a local patron and asked the magic words, “Will you marry me?”
After putting her ass cheeks into the face of the man giving her money, she said, “YES!”
When Dan’s future wife was done dancing, the two proceeded to celebrate their new engagement by ordering fried chicken for dinner. A wedding date has yet to be scheduled.
Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for pete’s sake
New York, NY – The National Football League Pro Bowl roster was announced recently, and much to the relief of many players around the league, they were not included. The Pro Bowl has become an inconvenience of sorts for NFL players. Especially the ones who don’t make the playoffs and would rather move on with their lives than lace ’em up for one more completely meaningless game.
Players are over the Pro Bowl. All it really means anymore is a free trip to Hawaii and a small monetary bonus. Take it from one of the league’s top defensive players, Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman. Sherman was asked by the Associated Press what his thoughts were after being left off the Pro Bowl roster:
“It don’t mean nothing. I bet you I’ll be on the first-team All-Pro. That means more to me.”
For a rookie or a player relatively new to the league, it might be a big deal. But to the seasoned veteran who flies to Hawaii year after year, it’s gotten to be pretty mundane. Players show up, goof around and don’t really compete due to the threat of injury. Hell, both they and the fans have more fun in the skills competition than the actual game.
That being said, congratulations are still in order for Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning for making the Pro Bowl roster. They fought off career-threatening injuries only to come back and rip apart NFL defenses. For the rest of you: suck it up and go to Hawaii or we’ll vote you into the 2013 NFL Diva Squad.
