West Fargo, ND – In an open letter to his bordering neighbor, local resident Randy Mills made his feelings about the motion-detecting floodlight facing his house abundantly clear:
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At the time of this publication, there has been no response from that dick Gerald. We will be watching as this neighborly feud continues.
Here is a cute baby giarafee.
Fargo, ND – The Fargo Forum recently ran a poll where readers voted for their favorite foods, events, services and more in the Fargo-Moorhead and surrounding areas. We also ran our own poll where our readers voted as well. The wait is over! Below are the results!
Best of The Red River Valley
Best Bar To Almost Get Thrown Out Of
Best Taxi (Unfortunately we don’t have one. They all suck according to the poll results.)
*check back for more as results are continually coming in
Fargo, ND – In States all across the U.S., especially Mississippi, Alabama, and West Virginia, massive traffic jams are causing catastrophic mayhem.
On Friday, November 16, Hostess Brands Inc announced that it will wind down the company and go to bankruptcy court after BCTGM Union strike cripples it’s operations.
Word has finally reached the homes of the disabled. Very large and overweight disabled people on electric scooters have been leaving their homes in massive numbers causing massive traffic jams on all major interstates. Overweight people and their electric scooters can be seen in the thousands going as fast as they can, which tops the 10mph mark, to their local Walmart to get their hands on as many Twinkies as their scooter can carry.
AFP/Getty Images
I had a chance to speak to one determined scooter rider. While jogging next to them on the interstate I asked Marlene if it’s really worth it to leave the house as it’s dangerous outside. Her reply was, “AHH! (mumble) MMYEA TWINKIEEEEEEEEES!!!!”
We can expect these traffic jams to continue until all Twinkies are off the shelves.
San Francisco, CA – An exciting and innovative new mobile app concept has finally made its way to the market. Get a load of this…are you ready? It’s an app that water-proofs your smartphone!! Vandelay Industries has announced and begun selling the mobile phone application entitled WATERPROOF.
WATERPROOF is designed to make your phone completely water-resistant. What does this mean? It means your phone can finally withstand exposure to liquid. Drop your phone into the toilet, sink, hot tub or bubbling cauldron of lamb’s blood and not concern yourself with the possibility of moisture damage!
The company’s Vice President, Art Vandelay, has given me the liberty of testing this revolutionary new mobile app. Let me tell you, it lives up to the hype!
I’ve left the windows open during a car wash. I’ve had lengthy phone conversations with ghosts in the shower. I’ve run my phone through the dishwasher rinse cycle to get it squeaky-clean. I put my phone in a glass of water on the nightstand before bed to silence text messages from my overly-aggressive therapist. I’ve even taken video of a snowball fight between a legion of psychotic fifth-graders in which I was caught up in the crossfire and relentlessly pelted with snowballs. After all this rigorous testing, my phone still works!
WATERPROOF uses patented Electro-Dry® technology to completely eradicate liquid molecules as they come into contact with device microchips. Simply amazing.
Folks–you can download, install and activate WATERPROOF today for the low low price of only $499.00 and use your phone near bodies of liquid worry-free!
“Mmmm….ok deal.”
Battle Creek, MI – In the wake of the recent election, Kellogg’s plans to release a brand new product line specifically for the states of Colorado and Washington.
For the supporters of marijuana, it was a historic moment as the states of Washington and Colorado recently made it legal to smoke pot recreationally. Gov. John Hickenlooper of Colorado cautioned voters on Tuesday night: “Don’t break out the Cheetos or the Goldfish too quickly.” Why would he say such a thing? That’s because he has your best interest at heart and knows there may be better food to choose from when you get the munchies.
Kellogg’s recently announced that they are to release an entirely new product line specifically for the states of Washington and Colorado. When asked if it has anything to do with marijuana now being legal, Kellogg’s spokesperson had this to say, “Marijuana has nothing to do with our new product line. We feel Washington and Colorado are the best test markets to release a new an improved product line. We want to make it very clear that our products such as pop tarts and cinnamon roll mini-wheats ARE NOT marketed toward marijuana users. We are against this terrible terrible drug and anyone who uses it. Again, our sweet tasting, sugary, FROSTED pop tarts are NOT stoner food nor will they ever be. They are a very healthy snack for anyone. Some of the new products in our line such as Frosted Cheese Dorito Flakes are for the children. We care about providing healthy food to the young and old people of America. Marijuana is the devil!”
An internal product line was leaked and we have some of the new products Kellogg’s plans to release right here!
Cheese Dorito Flakes W/Extra Cheese
Mile High Frosted Pies
Gan Ja Multi-Grain Chocolate Monster Cereal/Lunch/Dinner Bar
Little Bud(ies) Sticky Rice Krispies Bars
Hipstix
Dreaddies Mini-Wheats
Blazed Donuts
Mary Jane’s Smokey Nut Rolls
Giggle Toast (Peanut Butter and Dorito Sandwich – Gluten Free)
Malted Marley Wheat – It’s dank, mon! ®
Aunt Mary’s Wacky Blueberry French Toast Waffles (two scoops of icecream sandwiched between two large blueberry french toast waffles drizzled in a sweet raspberry sauce)
Ashy Kush Balls
Although disappointed that an internal employee would leak such information, Kellogg’s spokesperson would like to reiterate that these products are NOT marketed toward stoners and only just BY CHANCE had already chosen Washington and Colorado as the test markets before it was legalized.
Stay tuned as we release the second part of the product line just recently leaked as well.
Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.
Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.
A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.
When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?
Fargo, ND – Another weekend of NDSU football is here. People all over the Fargo-Moorhead area are hunkering down in their warm homes to watch the NDSU Bison try and win another football game.
So here you are. You probably got two pounds of chili to tear through, five varieties of chip dips to eat, and other things cooking on the grill. Your friends are all over, mom and dad stopped by, hell even grandma and grandpa came back down from heaven to watch the game with you. Everything is looking like it’s going to be a great day to watch Bison football. That is, until you turn on the television. You look over to see grandma squinting at the television as she asks, “Is that bull riding on the television? I can’t…..really……..see anything.”
“Are we about to play Tecmo Bowl?” my brother asks.
It is then you realize that you are staring straight into the year 1990. Did you slip into a vortex and time travel back to 1990? Likely not. The broadcast is being beamed to you in standard definition and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Now instead of sitting around the room with your legs sprawled out and nacho cheese on your pregnant looking belly, everyone in the room has to huddle in front of the television to see what is actually going on. Goodbye eyes. Didn’t need you anyways.
Maybe next time you should just just show up at the dome and demand to be let in. State that you are the Bison Thunder God and are here to bring happiness, joy, and pixels for everyone. Or, drive on over to the head office at NDSU and hand them your bill from the eye doctor.
Fargo, ND – A complete idiot at the Food and Drug Administration’s Fargo branch mis-typed a recall order yesterday which resulted in dead bodies being exhumed at Riverside Cemetery in South Fargo. The dumbass, having heard of the Nesquik salmonella recall, engaged the recall crew with an emergency bulletin:
::SALMONELLA RECALL. PLEASE REMOVE ALL SALMONELLA::
Crews sprang to action by heading to the nearest cemetery to recall as many salmonella deaths as possible in the time allotted. Graves were dug up and crusty old body parts were flung all over the place during the frantic search. The bumbling FDA grave-robbers didn’t know exactly who they were looking for; only that they were told to recall the salmonella.
This move is being deemed a colossal blunder on the FDA’s part. Loved ones of the dead, having heard of this desecration of their friends’ and relatives’ graves, are expected to file swift legal action.