Punk Rocker Booed For Not Vomiting On Stage

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Fargo, ND – Local punk rock group Fist Munch was met with a flurry of boos after frontman Jason “DickRash” Regal failed to perform his customary mid-song vomit during a gig at the Aquarium last night. DickRash is widely known for his projectile vomit routine during the band’s hit song “Vomitosis”. His ritual consists of leading into the end chorus screaming his fucking guts out and ralphing all over the front row.

Fans were heard screaming at DickRash: “Where’s the spew, bro!” and “We want the vomit!!” “Hoark on us, maaaan!” A female patron was heard, yelling “Puke on me, DickRash! Shower me with your stinky stomach jizz!!” Another distressed fan was seen crying and blowing chunks all over the mosh pit in an effort to placate the rest of the crowd.

As soon as the boos died down, DickRash apologized to the crowd, saying “Sorry I couldn’t mouth-jizz on you freaks. I drank all the cat piss at the last gig.”

DickRash vowed to puke himself silly during the band’s next show.

Walmart Blamed For Mitt Romney Loss Election 2012

Romney Loses By Landslide. Walmart To Blame.

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Washington, DC – The presidential election is finally over.  Obama wins by a landslide and will continue on being President of the United States for another 4 years.  However, new reports are coming in as to why Romney lost by such a landslide and Walmart is being blamed.

It is being reported that thousands upon thousands of stupid uneducated voters flocked to area Walmarts thinking that each and every one was an election polling station.  Some residents even drove hours upon hours to the closest Walmart only to find out that it was indeed NOT a polling station.  Walmart might offer everything, but not voting booths.

Once inside, voters went irate after learning that there were indeed no polling stations.  Trampling occurred like that you see on Black Fridays and multiple people have been hurt.  Two people reportedly shot.  However, this quickly passed as they realized they were in Walmart and could get 50 photo sticker prints printed of their ugly and repulsive baby for ONLY $3!!  What a deal!

Without all of these votes, no one will know if Mitt Romney could have won or how much more Obama would’ve beat Romney.

During the next election, Walmart plans on putting up 50ft tall bright neon signs stating that Walmart IS NOT A POLLING STATION in all Walmart locations.

Album Review: Chimaira/Chimaira

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Chimaira- Chimaira (2005)

Chimaira’s self-titled follow up to Impossibility Of Reason is not what you’d call “picking up where the band left off” but a turn in a darker, more intense direction of songwriting and guitar playing. Impossibility Of Reason came out in the year 2003 as their 3rd official studio album, the follow up to their major-label debut Pass Out Of Existence. The band toured relentlessly throughout a two-year period to promote IOR. They paid visit to small venues and arenas, their live performance reflecting the supersonic power of their studio work. This garnered them a legion of fans who i’m sure have eagerly anticipated their 4th release.  Through the creation of their first three albums, Chimaira have honed their songwriting and musical skills that have made the album Chimaira their very best. To get an idea of the band’s sound (for those of you who haven’t listened) one has to imagine this hideous mixture: A Slipknot/Metallica hybrid fueled by Jagermeister and suffering from an uncontrollable fit of ‘roid rage.  

This album has been widely considered as a kind of “epic” with songs as long as five to seven minutes in length, sans the repetitiveness and monotony you might expect. This provides a broader spectrum of experimental guitar riffs and solos sequenced with a decent mix of sampling that doesn’t go overboard. The album of course has what made Chimaira
famous- Mark Hunter’s screaming vocal talents as well as Rob Arnold’s lightning-quick guitar riffs that will make your blood shake. The song “Nothing Remains” shows true emotion on display as it was written on the very same day Dimebag Darrel Abbott was murdered. The same goes for the albums closing track “Lazarus”, a meaningful, brooding 7 & 1/2 minute mind-bender written about a friend who committed suicide 11 years ago. With Chimaira, the band evolves into a more mature and involved sound but doesn’t escape from the amped-up heaviness fans have come to expect.  

My favorite song on this disc is “Salvation”, and my very hard to choose least favorite song is “Inside the Horror.” “Salvation” contains a furious breakdown starting at about the 3:10 point that pretty much defines what metal is supposed to sound like. Unbeatable. “Inside the Horror” is my least favorite song simply because it’s the only song that lacks the sonic ferocity all the other tracks possess. I felt that what this album is missing is maybe a track or two containing some slower, drawn out riffs and a small amount of vocal melody. However, such is not part of this particular group’s M.O. They will come at you with blitzkrieg-style guitar shredding and a guttural scream that would force Coldplay through the nearest wall. All in all, I give this album a definite 10 out of 10 as one of my favorites and also one of the best metal albums ever produced.

Sample and buy the album HERE

Repetitive Phone Calls Encourage Civic Duty

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I would like to publicly give a “thumbs up” and thank those people that made the multitude of repetitive phone calls to remind me to vote. Since I have been living under a rock for about a year, I have had no knowledge of the political television ads. Thanks to all these phone calls, I will remember to exercise my civic duty to get out and vote! In addition, because the rock I was living under was extraordinarily large, I didn’t notice the massive amount of paper in the form of political advertising in my mailbox. Since the rock was hard to move, I got lazy and let my mail pile up. But, thanks to all the phone calls I will now remember to vote! Thanks!!

Downtown Fargo In The Winter

List: Top 10 Things To Do At Home In Fargo During Winter

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Fargo, ND – Follow up story to the Top 10 Things To Do In Fargo During Winter.  Here is a list of things you can do in the comfort of your own home during the winter months in Fargo.

 

1. Plan A Kidnapping

When the time comes, you’ll have a solid kidnapping plan in place if you ever need it.

 

2. Practice Your Telekinesis Skills

Once you master it, your fat ass can sit on the couch while you use your newly acquired powers to bring the food to you.

 

3. Hold a 20 Minute Conversation With The Wall

Probably the best conversation you’ll have all week.

 

4. Attempt To Learn Bird Language

Figure out what the birds are really up to.  World domination probably.

 

5. Get Drunk And Start A Fight With Your Stuffed Animals

Your chances of winning are high.  Self-confidence booster.

 

6. Spend The Entire Day With Your Eyes Closed Like A Blind Person

Live like a blind person.  Walking in the middle of the night will be much easier.

 

7. Count The Total Number Of Hairs On Your Arm

This will benefit your math skills.  You’ll finally have an answer for when everyone asks you how many hairs you have on your arm.  Very important statistic to have.

 

8. Create A Facebook Account Of Your Alter Ego

My super hero status just got legit after creating a facebook account of my alter ego.

 

9. Play Dead

Lay at the foot of the stairs and stay there throughout the entire day.  Ask everyone you know to stop by.

 

10. Perform Surgery On Yourself

Play doctor and see if you could make a career out of it on the black market.

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

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Downtown Fargo In The Winter

*sigh*

Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:

 

 

  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!

Block 6 Building Reportedly Haunted

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Fargo, ND – Reports have been flying in regarding spiritual activity occurring at 620 Main Avenue, the first location of the old Delendrecies department store in Fargo. The building, which was built in 1894 by Canadian entrepreneur O.J. DeLendrecies, was recently renovated into an apartment and retail space in historic downtown. This renovation appears to have angered some spirits, as there have been reports of paranormal activity by some of the building tenants:

“The wind howls at times. These ‘howls’ are almost certainly the screams of the deceased.”

“Sometimes when I enter the building late at night, I can hear the door close behind me. A spirit wanted in, but was too slow to enter.”

“When you stand by the elevator and listen, you can hear it moving. Which floor is the spirit trying to get to???” 

“I take the stairs sometimes. When i’m descending the stairs I sometimes hear a door open and footsteps behind me, as if someone were following me. Then a door closes! You can’t tell me these aren’t ghosts.”

 

 

 

 

“If you put your ear to the wall, you can hear muffled voices and even showtunes playing. Sounds to me like the ghosts of past tenants still lurking.”

 

Do we have a haunted building on our hands? The Observer will let you be the judge. Come on over and see for yourself, if you dare.

West Fargo Police Pumpkin Humper Arrested

Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

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West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.