November 2012 EVENT CALENDAR: What’s Happening in November

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Fargo, ND – Here is a list of F-M Observer sponsored events and happenings taking place in the area this November.

Saturday, November 3:

PSYCHOGRAPHY: JOIN THE F-M GYPSY COALITION AS THEY LEAD YOU ON A JOURNEY THROUGH THE CAVERNS OF YOUR MIND. BRAVE UNCHARTED TERRAIN LYING DEEP WITHIN YOUR PSYCHE. 7:00 @ TEAMSTER’S UNION HALL. $20 ADMISSION. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Wednesday, November 7:

WINTERIZE YOUR SOUL: INSULATE AND APPRECIATE. WORLD-RENOWNED SPEAKER TERRENCE MADISON WILL OUTLINE HIS 3-POINT PLAN ON HOW BEST TO PREPARE FOR THE WINTER SEASON. LEARN HOW TO SHUN YOUR NEEDS AND PROCRASTINATE BETTER WHILE KEEPING LOVED ONES AT BAY. 7:30 @ RAMADA CRYSTAL BALLROOM. $75 IN ADVANCE, $90 THE DAY OF THE SHOW. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Saturday, November 10:

WINTER DRIVING COURSE: TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW AFTER ONLY 8 MONTHS?  JOIN OUR ANNUAL WINTER DRIVING COURSE SO YOU CAN RE-LEARN HOW TO SLOW DOWN WHEN THAT WHITE STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY (WHITE STUFF IS SNOW AND WINTER IS A SEASON WHEN SNOW FALLS) FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED IN ALL HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOTS.  FREE “MY KID IS NOT AN HONOR STUDENT” BUMPER STICKER.

Sunday, November 11:

GLADIATOR CAMP: CAMP WRAPS UP FOR THE YEAR. WE WILL BE HANDING OUT AWARDS FOR MOST VALUABLE SLAYER, MOST IMPROVED SLAYER, COMEBACK SLAYER OF THE YEAR AND OTHERS. RSVP VIA TWITTER @FMObserver IF YOU CAN OR CAN’T MAKE IT. USUAL SPOT IN THE FIELD NORTH OF HECTOR INT’L AIRPORT. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY F-M OBSERVER.

Friday, November 23:

FARGO ASIAN FESTIVAL: MUSIC AND MARTIAL ARTS.  FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED ON SHEYENNE STREET IN WEST FARGO.

CANNIBALS ANONYMOUS sessions are held, as always, every Tuesday and Thursday of the month. Details available HERE.

Thanks, and we hope to see you soon!

Where Are They Now: Wheel of Fortune Big Winner Ken Noisewater

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Fargo, ND – $25,000. Could that dollar amount change your life? I’m willing to bet it could (even after taxes). Kenneth Noisewater landed a shot at fortune and fame; the type that could only be earned along side big Pat Sajak. Ken went on Wheel of Fortune and hit the big time. Mild-mannered Ken, an accountant by day and a father by night, netted the biggest prize of them all (at the time). He pulled the $25,000 envelope and nailed his bonus round puzzle. Little did Ken know, this would be the beginning of the end.

After owning the bonus round, Ken embraced his family, pocketed his check and went on his way. He was feeling like a star. The trip home was filled with jubilation. The family was buzzing with ideas as to what they should do with the money, but Kenneth had his own plan forming. The money had already begun to change him.

Kenneth watched as Uncle Sam took his share of the coin, then a portion of his debt took some as well. He became angry. Extremely agitated. He wanted his bonus. After all, these were WINNINGS he pocketed, not a government grant! Kenneth went out. He told the Mrs he was headed out for a few minutes to “clear his head”. He actually ended up throat-deep in the biggest alcohol bender of his life.

Noisewater went and had himself a real screamer. Took the car to bar after bar, club after club that night. Got so damn drunk he called his boss and went off. Needless to say, he was fired. Then he called his wife and went off. She hung up on him, confused. Then he called 911 and went off…of a bridge into some very troubled water.

The police said it was a miracle Kenneth survived. The river cushioned the blow, they said. Would you believe it if I told you his wife left him? Well, she didn’t. He left her out of sheer embarrassment. One wretched evening of irresponsibility transformed Kenneth Noisewater into a living legend and a complete nobody in one fell swoop.

These days, Noisewater can be found sucking around downtown with the rest of the street urchins, mumbling incoherently to himself:

“I am a rugged being. The government is too big! Three more Presidents until ruination of society. Smart people will tell ya…money is an object! Where am I? Hello. Hello. Hi. Change??”

Truly a depressing end to an unlikely winner-turned-loser story. Let me be the first to warn you, R S T L N E, 3 more consonants and a vowel can easily spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

The Fargo DMV Is In A Terrible Location

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fargo_dmvFargo, ND – The DMV is the last place one wants to be…..ever.  I’d rather be swimming in pig shit than be waiting in line at the dmv.  If having to enter the gates of hell dmv didn’t make your life miserable enough, Fargo decides to stick the dmv between a bus stop and a temporary employment agency.  I’ll tell you why this is a terrible location and where the dmv should be located.

The DMV is a test to everyone’s patience in that if you don’t feel like murdering at LEAST 10 people by the time you walk out and get to your car, your visit is considered a success.  One of the reasons you may feel like a murdering psychopath after entering the gates of hell dmv is that they require you to pay them in ways 90% of society doesn’t fucking pay people anymore, CASH and CHECK ONLY.  Cash, ok maybe i’ll be a little lenient on this one because cash is cash.  Still, not many people carry cash anymore but checks?  Fucking checks?  That alone is a huge red flag that they are there to torment you into submission.  There are various other reasons the DMV sucks that I don’t have to mention but I think the polls are in and the consensus is….

THE DMV GOES TO THE GREATEST LENGTHS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO WASTE YOUR DAY.

Now onto the location.  The location of the Fargo DMV is immediately next to a bus depot.  That’s cool, buses are cool, what’s not fucking cool is shady people hanging around staring at you or your car.  So now not only do I have to worry about how bad the DMV will try and rape me I have to worry about possibly getting robbed.  Why not?  Seems like it would be pretty easy to break into my car, steal my Very Best of: David Hasselhoff cd, and hop on the bus to never neverland while I’m waiting inside ripping my eyes out wondering how long my ass will hurt.

Here is my proposal of where the location of the DMV should be.

Welcome to the Fargo DMV

The Fargo DMV should be located smack dab in the middle of a hospital and a shooting range.  This way, after leaving the dmv, you can walk right next door to the friendly hospital where they will repair your raped and mutilated ass for a small fee of 20 thousand dollars.  Next, walk on over the shooting range for some good wholesome target practice.  This will relieve your frustrations and send you home calm while forgetting the torment you just had to endure and the pain you are feeling in your ass.

Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 Years

Child Moves Out After 28 Years–In the Womb!

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Fargo, ND – In a story that has the scientific community completely baffled, Gary “Gum Gum” Jackson, a full-grown 28 year old man, decided to finally move out of his mothers womb.

It’s been 28 long, relaxing years but Gary has decided it’s time to fly the utero.  Gary has been freeloading it inside his mothers womb for a loooong time.  He has had a relaxing, stress free life.  Living expenses have been virtually nonexistent and he didn’t have to pay for food what with that umbilical cord channeling it directly into him and all. Mom’s giant hoop earrings even beamed a picture-perfect DirecTV satellite feed onto that giant chasm of a uterine wall.  The only inconvenience he had was his dad’s (or thought was his dad’s) penis jabbing at him every now and then.  That is a small price to pay for this kind of lifestyle.

The other day, ol’ Gum Gum decided he’d had enough and slithered out of that mushy crevice and into functioning society. With a shivery cry, Gum Gum was officially born unto the world. Gary doesn’t know what his future holds but said he has moved into his parent’s basement and plans to stay there for quite some time.  When asked what he won’t change now that he’s out, he replied, “Nude.  I’m going to stay completely nude.”

West Fargo High School Principal to Step Down and Pursue River Dancing Career

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West Fargo, ND – Gary Clark has been a member of the West Fargo school administration for a number of years now.  Soon this will come to an end as Gary Clark will step down to pursue his river dancing career.

For years, Mr. Clark’s skills as a world class river dancer have laid dormant as he pursued his teaching career.  These skills have gone to waste.  Nobody knew his talents.  Family, teachers, the very kids he taught had no idea of Mr. Clarks remarkable river dancing abilities.  As time would pass, Mr. Clark began feeling more and more restless.  Longing for something more, he knew he had a calling.  Over the past couple years Mr. Clark has been honing his river dancing skills in secret and he says he is ready to take the stage by storm.

Gary Clark seen here river dancing.

Effective May 23rd, Gary Clark will retire once again from the West Fargo School Administration to pursue his river dancing career.  He can be seen on the U.S. Riverdance Tour this summer and will be teaching private and party lessons after the tour ends.

 

free candy halloween fargo

Fargo Pedophiles Feeling Left Out This Halloween Season

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free candy halloween fargo

Why go here when you can go door-to-door?

It’s a somber, sad, and gloomy month for area pedophiles as Halloween is around the corner. Lately, you can see all their vans parked lonesomely in the shadows.

The beautiful month of October is upon us. Vivid colors of orange, gold, red, and brown leaves fall slowly to the ground.  The crisp cool air is a reminder that winter is near. Pumpkins, witches, and ghosts decorations fill the yards of area homes.

What a great and exciting month October is for us, isn’t for area pedophiles.  The Halloween season has been cutting into pedophiles pedophiling time.  Kids are no longer interested in talking to old creepy men offering free candy as they know at the end of the month, free pillow loads of candy await them.

Some area pedophiles have petitioned to allow their candy giving vans to be considered a house or place of residence on the day of Halloween. This will allow them to park up and down the streets in broad day light with signs such as, “Candy Canes For Wieners.”

Others have sunk so low as to not even offer candy anymore.  One area pedophile has started offering a Halloween costume fitting room.

This privately parked pederast can only gaze longingly as parents keep close guard of their children

We can only hope the pedophile business continues to suffer long after the month of October.  However, it will be interesting to see how they adapt in the future.  Police are urging parents to communicate with their children that Halloween costume fitting rooms are not located in vans and to stay away.

Official Mitt Romney Press Release

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Boston, MA – With the presidential campaign in full swing, Mitt Romney has made very significant strides as the Republican front-runner. He and his running mate Paul Ryan have made their share of gaffes, and yet they trudge on. Next up on the strategery list: the Romney camp has released a statement written by Mitt himself. We bring it to you verbatim, word-for-word:

What a wild ride it has begun so far. My campaign and my family have been working very hard on a considerable campaign. We have traveled the nation, listening to stories about possible voters and undecided voters and what they really need from our Government. Now, as you all know, there has been much skepulation regarding my tax formations. Let me just say this. I have pain taxes in every year of my income. My releases have been released. So now there is no mystery suspicion. We can move on. I am eager to fulfill my guarantee of jobs in my Presidency. The Romney Presidency will have jobs in 2013. This I can guarantee. President Brock Obama has led this country in the wrong path for the last 4 years. Now it’s my turn to lead this path. This is where the men become the boys. Join me, won’t you?

This seems to us like the Romney camp is making well-timed attempt at damage control following this week’s rocky, seemingly fact-less debate performance. That, coupled with this statement of clarification is all part of a larger effort to get this campaign back on the rails. Best of luck to you, Mitt, and may the best man win.

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

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Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!

WNBA game suspended after ball gets stuck between rim and backboard

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ballstuck_1Minneapolis, MN – A recent professional Women’s National Basketball Association game between the Minnesota Lynx and the Atlanta Dream suffered a stoppage in play after the ball became lodged between the rim and the backboard.

A Lynx player went for a fast-break layup only to see her shot get stuck, and as her attempts to rebound the ball became futile other Lynx team members and opposing players gave it their best try but none came close. Players offered to form a type of human pyramid to try to obtain the ball but the training staff and league officials would not allow it.

The officiating crew requested help from the crowd, but attendance for the evening’s game consisted of roughly 150 unenthusiastic fans not willing to provide assistance. Coaches and players then proceeded to throw water bottles at the ball to dislodge it, but to no avail.

Seeing as though the nearest Home Depot was 20 minutes away, purchasing a ladder became an unavailable option. Referees suspended play after efforts to remove the ball fell short.

Topless PETA mermaids protest fish murder

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Fargo, ND – This afternoon in downtown Fargo, two fearless PETA ladies dressed up as mermaids in the name of fish preservation. The Observer is glad to know that the dead geographical center of the North American continent is getting a stern warning against the consumption of seafood. Do the PETA babes not realize how far away we are from the sea? We couldn’t be any farther from the goddamn ocean, yet there they sat on the corner of 2nd and Broadway defending seafood.

Wait…don’t I sound like an idiot, bitching about topless women? Forget I said anything. It is highly likely i’m just bitter that neither of the women would let me hold their sign NOR would they autograph my favorite lobster bib.