BREAKING: Doctors find 9th unborn fetus inside Octomom

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4063689470_7789d77f11_bLos Angeles, CA – During a routine check-up at the local OBGYN, excavators discovered a lifeless unborn fetus stuck inside famously inseminated degenerate Nadya Suleman, also known as Octomom. A visit to the gyno is no picnic for Octomom, as a team of doctors wearing HAZMAT suits and spelunking gear is needed to perform even the most simple and routine Octomaintenance.

Doctors went exploring recently and made a shocking discovery: a 9th baby. It appears that not all the children were harvested from the Octocave! Miss Suleman was, needless to say, shocked and dismayed at the discovery.

We caught up with one of the fearless spelunkers/Doctors to get some insight as to what went on:

“The vaginal walls were very dry. It was rank. The HAZMAT suit I wore was an older one, so some of the stench made its way in almost immediately, but I pressed on. We needed to check the ovaries and such. After about a half hour of exploration, the 3 other doctors and I caught a glimpse of something highly unorthodox in the deepest corner of the uterus. That’s when we knew…”

This has all the makings of a terrifying sequel to the smash hit movie The Abyss. Never before has the Observer heard such a shocking tale of discovery. This has to be an emotional time for Suleman, who is now rumored to be changing her nickname to Nonomom. We wish Nonomom all the best.

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Facebook Releases Organ Harvesting Application.

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Palo Alto, California – Facebook this week has released a new organ harvesting application.  This new facebook application was announced Tuesday by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as a way to harvest users organs and sell them to black markets internationally and here in the United States.

The facebook application allows users to “Register An Organ.”  In doing so, it will match you up with creepy doctors, gangsters, clergymen and surgeons from South Africa and Brazil.  From there, these people will remove your registered organ and sell it to facebook for a small fee.  Facebook will then sell to the highest bidder on the black market.

“I can’t wait to sell my brain,” one facebook user said.

“I like to share everything.  Hopfully I can now share my heart and sell it to someone who needs it,” another facebook user said.

This is a great new feature for facebook and it’s users.  Facebook is looking to implement another useful feature in the future called “Kill Me.”  We will report more on that when facebook is closer to a release date.

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Horse Buggy Collides With Car On Interstate. Horse Takes a Dump.

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New Salem, ND- At around 8:30 a.m. this morning, a SUV carrying a family of 4 struck a horse buggy on Co Rd 139.  The family from New York were on vacation and merrily on their way to New Salem, North Dakota to visit ‘Salem Sue’ or ‘The World’s Largest Holstein Cow’.  Salem Sue is the worlds largest fiberglass holstein cow sculpture situated on School Hill between the city of New Salem and I-94 Highway.  The driver stated they were driving down Co Rd 139 when then went around a bend and hit a horse buggy that was in the middle of the road.

“I wasn’t expecting to see a horse buggy,” the driver said.  “I really didn’t think people still used those things.  I mean it’s 2012 for christ’s sake.”

“Grandma just wants to see the largest fiberglass cow sculpture before she dies,” one of the kids said crying.

After the crash, the horse carrying the buggy was seen taking a large dump on the road and running excitedly into the horizon.  Presumably happy to be free from his slave labor.  The driver of the buggy was not injured.

Red Bull® gives man wings; man sues

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West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:

“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”

Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.

Dirk Benedict Steel Stomachs

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Yes.  This is for real.  I don’t know about workouts but these make for some awesome dance moves.

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Swiss woman attempts to live on sunlight; dies

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Switzerland (AP) – A Swiss newspaper is reporting that a woman who recently attempted a sort of “spiritual journey” that requires fasting both food AND water while only to live off the incredibly harmful rays of the sun, has died.

The woman, in her fifties at the time of her death, apparently got the idea from an Austrian documentary which detailed the life of an Indian guru. The guru claimed to have lived this way for upwards of 70 years. Hmmm… not providing the body actual nutrition & sustenance while forcing it to thrive off of the cancer-causing, skin-searing ultraviolet rays of an incredibly massive burning star is not what we’d call a “spiritual” journey. The sun feels great, but do you know what’s better? A drink of water after you’ve been thirsty for 3 days. It’s invigorating, let me tell you.

Let’s lament the untimely loss of a spiritual patriot and at the same time, look on the bright side: she’ll have a fantastic-looking tan at the funeral.

‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ Renewed For 3 More Seasons. Suicides up 80%.

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NEW YORK, NY – The ever so popular unpopular show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” just got renewed for 3 more seasons.  Seriously, people still watch this vile garbage?  E! Entertainment network, another great network that endorses all the American values we love, has reached a deal making it the richest contract in reality TV history.  The family will be paid over $40 million for the 3 seasons of doing absolutely nothing but being annoying.  I’m not a hater but when this vile garbage is accidentally beamed into my retinas because I was channel surfing, I have every right to state my opinion.

Although this is all good news for the Kardashians, it isn’t good news for America.  Suicide rates have sky rocketed up 80% since the series premiered on E! in October 2007.  Experts are reporting that this is directly related to the torture people have had to endure the past 5 years with having “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on air.  We took to the streets to see if we could find a correlation.

“I once accidentally stumbled on the show and Kim Kardashian was complaining of how tough of a day she had.  She got paid a few months salary for 6 hours of hell she had to go through which was taking pictures and putting on makeup.  I immediately ran out to my deck and threw myself off of it.  I mean, I didn’t mean to do it.  I just acted off of instinct.  I luckily only suffered a few broken bones.” a mother of 3 stated.

“I once had to watch the show because of my stupid girlfriend.  Kim was crying because of spiders.  I mean FUCK!  It made me immediately take my clothes off and throw myself into the oven I had on.  I suffered 3rd degree burns but I survived.  I immediately dumped my girlfriend after the incident.” John from Fargo told us.

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“Yea I turned the channel, saw the Kardashians, and immediately shot myself in the face.  This all happened within seconds.  Luckily it didn’t hit my brain and I’m here to talk about it.” guy who shot himself and survived had to say.

It’s pretty clear that this show is dangerous and shouldn’t be on the airwaves.  It is making people instinctively do stupid and unsafe things.  It better be taken down now before Kanye West makes an appearance on the show.  The human population will become dangerously low with an even larger increase of suicides.

Way to go America.  GOD HELP US ALL.

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New Trend: Teens Getting High Off Toilet Flushing

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Fargo, ND – In the recent weeks, 6 teens have shown up in the Sanford hospitals emergency rooms completely high and buzzed out of their minds.  One death is being reported as well.  This has caused concern for the local public health officials who feel this could be the next dangerous trend.

The hospitalized teens have stated that all the kids in school are now toilet flushing to get high.  What they do is put their head upside down into the toilet and keep flushing it a few times.  The combination of holding your breath to keep from drowning and the blood rushing to your head from being upside down creates an intense high and head buzz.

We don’t know where these kids recently picked this up but we assume it could be from the old school bullying tactic called the “swirly.”

“All it takes for these kids is a toilet, a few flushes, and bam!  They’re high!” said Molly, a poison control specialist at Sanford Health located in downtown Fargo.

Over the years teens have found creative and stupid ways of getting high.  From drinking cough syrup in the 90’s, mouthwash, and Purple drank, officials want to make sure teens don’t add ‘Toilet Flushing’ to the list.

Parents should start putting locks and the toilets and tell their kids to poop outside.  Keep that shit on lock down until this trend passes.  It’s the only way to assure no more teens are hospitalized.  We need to keep these stupid kids from removing themselves from the gene pool.  Who else would we laugh at if they were gone?