Zygi Wilf asks Viking fans to start thinking of new team name

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Minneapolis, MN – As the twilight years of yet another Minnesota sports team near their bittersweet end, the owner of the Minnesota Vikings is keeping the lines of communication with the fan base open. Knowing that a stadium deal will likely not get done, thus forcing the team out of town, Zygi Wilf is reaching out to fans to seek their opinion on where they’d like to see the team go and what to call it. In a statement on his website, Mr. Wilf had this to say:

Dear Minnesota sports fans,

It’s been a nice run, but as i’m sure most of you are aware, the Vikings of Minnesota are almost certainly on their way out of town. Lawmakers in the state are seemingly incapable of coming to an agreement on a multi-million dollar sports complex (which I am willing to help fund 🙂 so leave me out of this). This begs the question: What do you want to call your new team? Here are a few catchy names i’ve been batting around so far. Let me know your thoughts:

Los Angeles Blaze

Los Angeles Stardust

Los Angeles Mudslide

Or if we move to England:

London Crumpetmashers

London Fogs

Please leave all thoughts/votes in the comments section of the site. Keep your negative comments to yourself kthanksBAI.

Yours, 

Zygi

This is a sad time for Minnesota sports. Another team jumping ship for no reason other than politics. First the Lakers, then the North Stars and now our beloved Vikings. Hey, sports teams…

Y U NO STAY MINNE SOTA??????


Red River Flood Fargo

Red River of Fargo Accused of Being a Complete Dickhead Again.

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Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong.  Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again.  The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.

Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river.  It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.

I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead.  The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick.  The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before.  Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river.  Good grief.  Rivers can’t feel pain.

Depressed Man Because It's Not Winter

Local Man Depressed It’s Not Winter

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Fargo, ND – Phil McCrackin is a family man.  A man who enjoys the great outdoors, spending time with his kids, and cooking his family large and exquisite dinners.  He is also a happy man whom his friends say is one of the greatest people to be around.  However lately, there has been something keeping Mr. McCrackin down.

Mr. McCrackin has been seen moping around town the past couple weeks.  His neighbor said he saw him walking through the park with his head down, crying, and ignoring everyone around him.  Friends say they have tried calling him to get him to go out for a little bit, possibly have a beer or two, and cheer him up.  Mr. McCrackin won’t answer those calls.  We sat down with his wife to see if we could make sense of this.

“I don’t know what it is but he’s just been so depressed lately.  He hasn’t smiled in weeks, no longer makes his exquisite dinners, nor spends any times with his kids anymore.  He just locks himself in the basement with the freezer door open and fans all around him.  It’s so odd! I don’t understand what’s going on with him.”  Mrs. McCrackin proceeded to cry.

After playing Christmas music constantly and making reindeer noises outside Mr. McCrackin’s basement room door, he finally came out.  We got some time to sit down with him and asked him why he’s being such a little bitch.

“I’m depressed.  I’m not happy.  I miss winter.  This nice weather is really getting to me.  I don’t know how to continue on.  I’d rather be swimming through snow banks instead of swimming in 70 degree water.  I’d rather be driving santa’s sleigh instead of driving a convertible with the top down.  I’d definitely rather be freezing my balls off then freezing tasty popsicles on a hot day.”  His family tried to get him to go camping to try and get away, relax, and get his thoughts straight but he said he’d rather be building snow forts.

After hearing this, me and his family realized he had gone insane.  Batshit crazy.  We called the local mental hospital and had him taken away.  He was last seen knitting sweaters and singing Christmas music in the middle of May.  May everyone pray for him.

Jason Voorhees taking this Friday the 13th off

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Camp Crystal Lake, America – The Observer has learned that in a shocking turn of events today, well-known blood fiend and murder artist Jason Voorhees has decided not to stalk & slash this Friday the 13th. This news comes as a relief to many, especially the occupants of Camp Crystal Lake. Campers have already begun rejoicing:

Freddy, 17-
“Wow! I can finally sex my girlfriend without fear that that ghoulish prick will collapse my tent and disembowel us!”

Amanda, 16-
“My friends and I are taking the pontoon out tonight since Jason is not going to cut us the fuck up.”

Todd, camp counselor-
“The wife is mega-pissed that I have to go open up Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. We usually take Friday the 13th weekends off to spend time with the family. I guess Jason is too busy to go on a killing spree. Now, the rest of us have to suffer.”

When asked about the decision to not slay this evening, Mr. Voorhees had this to say:

“[heavy breathing] [blank stare]”

We here at the Observer are glad to hear that one of history’s most notorious killers is willing to put away the machete and just chill for a night. Don’t be surprised if you see a towering figure wearing a beat-up goalie mask and tattered overalls serving soup to the needy at the Crystal Lake homeless shelter tonight.

North Dakota county hopes somebody will run for prosecutor

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERACavalier, ND – Pembina county is in need of a lead prosecuting attorney. Amidst political controversy that forced the last county prosecutor out of office, the position has been left vacant for the past couple months. This has county officials absolutely terrified that nobody will run for the primary election this June.

The deadline to file for election is fast approaching, and city officials are getting anxious. “We don’t suspect anyone in a 300 mile radius would be willing or sufficiently able to occupy the position of county prosecutor,” explained Cavalier mayor Burp McGwire. “There are no lawyers here. Only farmers and the occasional shop-keep. Also got a mechanic. We’re offering a generous compensation of 2 milk-cows, a steer, and a 3-acre pasture for the elected official. It’s the best we can do. Would anyone with an online law degree or a forged bar association certificate like to throw their straw hat in the ring??”

This would be a crippling blow to the Pembina county legal system if nobody is willing to run for this elected position. The county will be unable to prosecute wild wild west showdowns, buggy theft, barn trespassing and other such infringements.

Scheels All Sports Fargo

Scheels All Sports To Turn Into Amusement Park. Will Sell Sporting Goods On The Side.

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Scheels All Sports FargoFargo, ND – Scheels All Sports, the Behemoth of the Midwest, will transform it’s enormous and very popular sports store in Fargo into an amusement park the FM Observer has learned.  Scheels is known for its wide variety of sporting goods stores around the Midwest as well as its ever so popular ferris wheel located in the Fargo store.  With the economy still down and people finally realizing they can buy the same low quality shit cheaper online, Scheels has been struggling to keep the doors open.  What hasn’t been suffering is the ferris wheel as seen immediately upon walking into the Fargo store.  In fact, it’s the only thing keeping this store from going under.

Ferris wheel ride sales have soared and beat actual sporting goods sales 100 to 1.  Because of this, Scheels has decided to transform this mansion of an overpriced sporting goods store into a small amusement park.  Among the plans of installing a larger ferris wheel, water ride, and enormous gravity wheel, there will still be sporting goods available to purchase randomly throughout the amusement park.  Sporting goods such as deer piss, camouflage clothing, and night vision goggles.  Apparently this is hunting gear and not some perverted equipment deer fuckers would use to throw a ‘WILD’ party.

This is tough for the economy and tough for Fargo.  Although people will no longer be raped by buying overpriced items, at least bobby the crooked back alien baby with a hideous face, will be able to ride his ferris wheel on Sundays and pick up some deer piss on the way out the door.

Michael Jordan is the worst at something

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Greatness

Greatness

Charlotte, NC – Legendary NBA baller Michael Jordan is worldly renowned for being the best professional basketball player of all time. ON the court. These days, his Airness has been occupying the complete opposite end of the NBA spectrum. He’s a majority owner of the worst professional basketball team around. The Charlotte Bobcats of the NBA are so terrible, they’ve won only 7 out of 66 games this season making that a win percentage of .106!

It’s mostly due to the unparalleled will and desire of Jordan, who in a recent post-game interview broke it down for the Observer:

“I have been dominating the game of basketball ever since college. I have quieted every single one of my doubters and haters. Frankly, I’ve gotten complacent with success so this year I’ve made the decision to fail. Gonna try it out. I plan to prove the doubters right and silence everyone who thought I could do it, who thought I could helm a successful team OFF the court.”

Air Jordan can be seen sitting courtside during most of the team’s games, presumably to strike fear and intimidation into his own squad. His presence seems to have a negative impact on the team as the Bobcats simply refuse to win under His Greatness’s watchful eye. Air is dominating the game like he always has. He knows exactly what he’s doing.