Tag Archives: computer

Monkey Makes $34 Million In Stock Market From A $5 Investment

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Babu is now the richest baboon in the land.

Horace, ND – A resident baboon who’s been living with some distant relatives has apparently done what no other monkey has ever done.

Babu, an eleven year old baboon, took an online stock trading account which had been seeded by his uncle-in-law with $5.00 and somehow turned it into $34,000,000 in less than twelve months.

The monkey’s uncle admitted that he had no idea Babu had the computer skills or the stock trading knowledge to do anything meaningful with the online account.

Astoundingly, Babu also had cleverly switched the stock account over to a Roth IRA, thus making the entire $34,000,000 free from any tax liability.

FYI: Babu is single, loves to peruse the Wall Street Journal, enjoys playing board games, going on long walks by the river, and later sharing sips of a large banana daiquiri with a special friend.

“Gray Stray Cat Virus” Now Infecting Some Home Computers

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Say hello to your new computer virus!

Cathead, Pennsylvania – A new computer virus called the Gray Stray Cat is on the prowl.

It silently lurks in waiting until unsuspecting computer users let down their guards.

How will you know if you have the Gray Stray Cat virus?

Oh, you’ll know! It will periodically pop its head up whilst giving you a nice long me-e-eow. Just be happy you didn’t get the barking dog virus!

How can you make it go away?

Stop giving it milk and then hire a computer-wise fourth grader from your neighborhood to carefully remove it from your infected computer.

Fargo Hires Fourth Grader To Prevent System Hacking

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Child prodigy Ethan Hackett hired to protect City of Fargo’s computer systems.

Fargo, ND – The City of Fargo has decided to hire a fourth grader named Ethan Hackett to prevent hackers from infiltrating the city’s new computer systems.

Ethan’s mother tells the story that when young Ethan was but a babe, his favorite nursery rhyme was: “Hackary dackary dock, his mouse clicked on a clock”.

Lucy Bavaro who is Ethan’s fourth grade teacher says of the lad: “During our recent regional Hackathon, Ethan not only won it, but he hacked the contest and changed it to show looped Mr. Robot youtube videos. When not hacking around, Ethan likes to play hackysack with his friends.”

Ethan Hackett in his own words: “I tend to get real hacked off when other hacktivists try to hack into something that’s hackable with a hacksaw in order to do some real damage. I have always used my hacktivism to show how hackable systems are in order for them to prevent future serious data hackage.”

The City of Fargo plans to put Ethan Hackett on their payroll at a salary level which is to remain private unless it’s hacked. They also will be paying him bonus incentives in the form of bubble gum, Mashers, and iTunes gift cards.

Another FMO Adult Education Class: Computer Maintenance

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Computer Maintenance is as easy as 1-2-3!

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to bring you another free on-line adult education class.

We here at the FM Observer believe learning should never stop.

As Fred Robertson always says: “Instruction ends in the school-room but education ends only with life.”

In this latest installment of our free on-going on-line classes, we turn our attention to: Computer Maintenance.

Everyone knows that the best person to teach such a class is any random 4th grader from the area.

Spencer Haskins, who is 10 years old, has put together some great tips and tricks to help you with your computer. Enjoy!

  • To speed up your random access memory swaps, remove the hardrive with a pliers and scrub it down with some steel wool pads that have been soaked in warm rubbing alcohol.
  • A common mistake most computer owners make is to not take their new computer completely apart when they first remove it from the box.
  • To protect your computer from unwanted viruses, wrap it in a towel and then in a combination of duck tape and aluminum foil which should keep out those nasty malwares.
  • If your computer is running as slow as a government worker, try pouring some espresso onto the main power drivebox.
  • To switch out your spambox, first calibrate your functional load capacitator which should be listed on the motherboard back safety panel.
  • If you sense your computer is developing a negative capacity backload, try reloading the spark magnets which are available at any Ace hardware store.
  • To check your switchload relay box, remove the amp pad and rewire it over to the torsion bar equalizers.
  • Try to not let your cookies touch your firewall as you may experience a burning smell not unlike your doorbellbox on Halloween eve.
  • To calculate your overall bandwidth, carefully measure the width of your band and then multiple by the band thickness (measured in nanometers).
  • To clean your keyboard, hold it upside down with both paws and begin hitting it onto the edge of your kitchen counter until all the keytops have become unattached.
  • If your modem is running slowly, it could just be cold, so simply grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.

Expiring Windows XP Causes Widespread Computer Suicide

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The last thing the XP user sees before their computer melts their face (kind of like what happened when they opened the ark in that Indiana Jones movie. Wasn’t that fucked up?!)

This is this decade’s Y2K.

 

Redmond, WA—They warned us. They tried to tell us. “We are discontinuing support for Windows XP,” Microsoft said. But did we listen? NOPE. We held onto those old XP computers in hopes that they wouldn’t go completely nuclear on April 8th. Little did we know, this expiring operating system would trigger the End of Days.

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

XP owners were led to believe that their trusty old operating system would simply stop doing updates and become a little more vulnerable to cyberattacks. Boy were they wrong. Computers have been blowing up in people’s faces since Microsoft cut the cord at midnight last night. Smoke…fire…the constant smell of death…it is all around us now. Bodies are piling up as Death By Computational Combustion claims the lives of millions of unsuspecting users.

The Observer has learned that any attempt to utilize an XP computer results in the aforementioned (pictured above) error message, directly followed by a fiery complosion.  🙁

Are you or any of your loved ones affected by the XP Meltdown? If so, and if the explosion hasn’t sizzled most of your face, call Microsoft at 1-800-MICROSOFT. They have operators standing by to assist with massive head trauma sustained by heavy compusplosive blowback.

ipad

Evolution of The Tablet PC

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Since the iPad made its debut in 2010, a list of other companies have been pumping out tablets as well.  However, way back in 2002, Windows launched the stylus-based Windows XP Tablet PC but it failed to catch the consumers attention though at the time.

I always say to people, “Why don’t you just get a laptop?  It has a keyboard and more functions.”  I’m always answered with a blank stare and a, “but it’s a tablet” response.

In 2010 the iPad was released.  This allowed you to replace your toilet magazines with digital versions.  Truly remarkable.

ipad

 

 

Samsung was soon to follow with the Samsung Galaxy Tab and the Motorola Xoom in 2011.  Today we have a whole host of manufacturers pumping out tablets.

AND NOW……they are releasing all kinds of accessories such as tablet keyboards.  That’s right.  Keyboards.  You just transformed your tablet into a damn computer!

tablet_keyboard

So instead of buying a laptop in the first place, people bought a tablet and are now spending money to convert it into basically back into a laptop.  Makes total sense. Am I right?

What’s that?  You want some speakers now for your tablet?  Here you go.

tablet_speakers

 

Now you have a tablet with a keyboard and speakers.  What do they call those?  LAPTOPS.  How about this.  Why don’t you just buy a damn laptop already?

The tablet has now evolved back into a laptop.

Windows 8 Updates

Owning a Microsoft Windows 8 Computer

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Windows 8 Updates

 

Jim: Hey Todd.  Can you send an e-mail to our very valuable customer who contacted us today for me please?  My computer needs to reboot for a Microsoft update.

Todd: No can do Jim.  I’m already in the middle of a Microsoft update.  We’ll just have to contact him tomorrow.

 

Next day….

 

Jim: I have the customer on the phone but another Microsoft update popped up and it started to install itself.  Can you take this?

Todd: Sure.  Transfer him over.  Wait.  I didn’t postpone another update and now it decided to automatically install itself.  Says it’s going to restart soon.  We’ll have to call them back tomorrow.

 

Jim: Todd can you….

Todd: No I can’t.  I turned on my computer and updates are installing.  I have to wait until that’s done for me to get to my desktop.

 

Later that day….

 

Jim: Todd, do you kn……….

Todd: Updates….installing updates…..more updates JIM!!!  LEAVE ME ALONE!!

 

Next day….

 

Jim: Well we lost our top account Todd.  We’ll probably be out of jobs any day now.  It was nice working with you.

Todd:  Yessssssss.  Finally got back to the desktop.  What was that you were saying Jim?