Tag Archives: rich

Monkey Makes $34 Million In Stock Market From A $5 Investment

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Babu is now the richest baboon in the land.

Horace, ND – A resident baboon who’s been living with some distant relatives has apparently done what no other monkey has ever done.

Babu, an eleven year old baboon, took an online stock trading account which had been seeded by his uncle-in-law with $5.00 and somehow turned it into $34,000,000 in less than twelve months.

The monkey’s uncle admitted that he had no idea Babu had the computer skills or the stock trading knowledge to do anything meaningful with the online account.

Astoundingly, Babu also had cleverly switched the stock account over to a Roth IRA, thus making the entire $34,000,000 free from any tax liability.

FYI: Babu is single, loves to peruse the Wall Street Journal, enjoys playing board games, going on long walks by the river, and later sharing sips of a large banana daiquiri with a special friend.

Lottery Winner From Fargo Blows It All On A Single Purchase

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Say hello to the 118 foot Wally-118 made by Wally Yachts of the Ferretti Group.

Fargo, ND – After winning a $33 million jackpot in one of the various lottery games, Tommy Swinehart decided to buy himself a real nice boat.

Since he had just won big, Tommy wanted to think big.

Mr. Swinehart ended up purchasing a Wally 118 luxury motor yacht.

This incredibly designed boat tops out at 70 mph due to its 16,800 total horsepower.

Within its 118 foot length, the Wally 118 has a saloon, a dining area, a navigation cockpit, and holds 5,800 gallons of fuel.

Tommy also fell in love with the six plasma TVs, the king-sized master bedroom, the two queen guest rooms, each bedroom having his/her en suite bathrooms.

Unfortunately, Mr. Swinehart’s new Wally 118 cost $33 million, thus leaving Tommy with no money with which to use his expensive luxury motor yacht.

Expectedly, all the letters in Tommy Swinehart can be re-arranged to spell: Smart With Money!

Iconic Downtown Fargo Theater To Be Converted Into Condos

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The Fargo Theater sign will happily remain but the theater will sadly become condos.

Fargo, ND – The famous Fargo Theater in Downtown Fargo will soon be turned into unique upper-floor condos while the valuable ground level space will serve as much-needed parking for its residents.

The iconic Fargo sign and the large theater marquee, which have recently become the symbol for the City of Fargo, will remain as a historical reminder of its past glory.

“Because of Netflix, people just don’t go out to see a movie like in the old days,” says Dr. Sagendorf Toothacre who is heading up this somewhat controversial transitional downtown project.

Dr. Toochacre says many of the items from the old theater will be auctioned off or somehow recycled.

The organ pipes will be turned into different sized bird houses, while the beautiful stage curtains will be made into couch pillows and sold at auction to raise money for Global Warming.

Ironically, all of the letters in Sagendorf Toothacre can be converted into: Fargo Theater Condos!

Fargo Family Finds Gold Bars Inside Walls Of Their Newly Purchased Older Home

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Walls filled with gold bars found in North Fargo home.

Fargo, ND – After purchasing an older home in North Fargo for about $240,000, Mr. Dell Glawson and his dear wife Goldie decided to remodel their older home by knocking out a few of the main floor walls.

In going for that more “open-concept” look, two of the old walls dividing the kitchen and living room had to be removed, which they chose to do themselves.

What Mr. Dell Glawson and his lovely wife Goldie soon discovered inside their walls was shiny gold bars stacked from floor to ceiling.

Based on the current price of gold, it is estimated that the gold they found in their walls is worth about $24 million dollars, or almost exactly 100 times more than the purchase price of their older home.

Ironically, Goldie’s Chinese fortune cookie the night before their big discovery predicted: “Mega-wealth will soon come a-knocking.”

Double ironically, all of the letters in Dell Glawson can be remodeled to spell: Golden Walls!

Fargo Psychic Wins Lottery For Ninth Time

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Fargo’s Miss Devine can win the lottery any time she desires.

Fargo, ND – Unbeknownst to most hoi polloi, living amongst Fargo’s commonfolk resides One with a “most powerful” gift.

Fargo’s Miss Divine can foretell the future “well enough” to have just won a record nine lottery jackpots.

So as to remain “under the radar”, Miss Divine usually plays the “lesser games” such as: Hot Lotto, 2 by 2, and Lucky For Life.

Last week Miss Divine informed us that she recently won the 2 by 2 game, which is now her ninth lottery win. When we asked Miss Divine “the how and why”, her response in her own words was: “Miss Divine sees things in her crystal ball that allow her to live very comfortably while being able to hand out $100 bills to those in obvious need.”

If you would ever like to discuss “possibilities” for your future finances with Miss Divine, look for her in the Downtown Fargo area. Whilst you seek her out in the alleys and galleys, you will not find her so much as “she will find you”. Remember to tell Miss Divine that you “read about” her on the FM Observer (and use promo-code “MD2-J9” for a 10% “bonus coupon”).

George Soros Admits To Being Emperor Palpatine

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George Soros is Emperor Palpatine is George Soros

George Soros is Darth Sidious is Emperor Palpatine

Naboo, Chommell Sector – After receiving a tip from one of our readers, we did some old-fashioned investigative reporting and discovered that George Soros is Emperor Palpatine.

Both of these identities are also the same person we know as Darth Sidious who is most famous for saying “Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.”

Originally born in Budapest, young George Soros got stationed on Naboo in the Chommell Sector where he quickly rose to become the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic and ultimately became the Emperor of the Galactic Empire.

So, the next time someone asks: “Who is George Soros?”, you can answer with confidence that he is Emperor Palpatine who is more commonly known as Darth Sidious.

Donald Trump Planning Fly-Overs To Drop $100 Bills In Many Key Voting States

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Donald Trump ponders how rich he is.

New York, NY – The next president of the United States wants to thank you in advance for your vote by dropping $100 bills from the sky.

If you live in a key battleground state, expect to see Donald Trump’s plane doing a low slow fly-over while personally emptying bags of cash over your neighborhood.

President Donald Trump: “I am very, very rich and want to do this to begin to make America great again.”

When asked if this is just a blatant attempt to buy votes, Mr. Trump responded: “You must be having a bad day. Based on your loser question, you obviously are wearing those glasses just to try to make you look smart, and you certainly do not understand how trickle down economics works in the real world. Even though you don’t work for me, YOU’RE FIRED!”

Wishing On A Star Yields Better Results For The Rich

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When you wish upon a Star

When you wish upon a Star

Cambridge, MA – A new important study out of Harvard now solidly confirms what many have suspected for years. The common practice of “wishing on a star” seems to produce much more favorable outcomes for wealthier wishers.

Harvard research director, Dr. Ollie G. Arkin admits more research needs to be done to determine exactly why such a correlation exists, but notes, “It’s clear that money plays a major role here, we’re just not sure why.”

“An average person with a median income has about a 5% chance that their star wish will actually come true,” continues Arkin. “As the income level goes up, so does the probability of a positive outcome. For example, upper middle-class wishers enjoy about a 50% chance of success. Millionaires are looking at around 90% probability. Our data pretty much ends there as most billionaires we interviewed were unaware that wishing was an activity.”

On the flip side, a person earning minimum wage in the U.S. faces a staggering 0.008% chance of having their wish granted. And, according to the study, if you make less than minimum wage, wishing on a star is considered “a total waste of time, other than for entertainment purposes.”