Tag Archives: deadly

Famous Rock Band ‘Autopsia’ Is Coming To Fargo; Tickets Selling Madly

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Autopsia will turn your life upside down!

Fargone, ND – Another excessively huge concert is just about to be announced for Fargo, North Dakotah!

Autopsia will be performing some of their greatest mega-hits, including:

Coffee and Cremation, Dead Upon Arrival, Peace Corpse, Skeletonia, The Last Laugh, Coffin Syrup, Prince Deadward, Hotel Gravestonia, Postmortem Fest, Autopsycho, Room 666, and Deadendless.

This incredible concert is brought to you by Hell-Oh Productions.

For ticket information, listen to the radio, watch TV, read newspapers, or just talk with your friends.

Do not miss Autopsia performing all the songs that made them one of the most recognizable bands in the world of music.

FM Observer Rating: ★★★★★

Moorhead Hoarder Finds Dead Husband Buried Under Tons Of Junk

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I thought maby my husband had left me until I found him buried underneath some piles of things I wanted to hold on to for awhile.

Moorhead, MN – The Department of Health and Human Services is reporting that a woman who wishes to remain anonymous recently found her deceased husband under some of her belongings.

Agnes Elhart of 1313 Hoarder Drive in Moorhead now wonders “why would Clarence have been crawling around underneath my newspaper collection?”

Agnes further ponders: “Maby he was trying to hide from me after that one argument we had about what items to perhaps purge?”

A hoarder specialist working the case sadly wrote: “It is more likely that some of the mountainous pile of endless crap fell on the poor guy and ol’ Clarence was buried alive, until he wasn’t.”

**ALERT** PRESENCE OF SUPER AIDS IN CLEANUP WEEK TRASH PILE SPAWNS EPIDEMIC

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Fargo, ND – The filthy remnants of a cleanup week trash pile containing an unknown quantity of Super AIDS is believed to be the cause of the rampant Super AIDS epidemic here in Fargo. Due to environmental concerns, a residence on 10th Street in Fargo that is home to a neurotic garbage-loving hoarder finally came under orders to evacuate the piling tons of trash built up inside. It is believed that the gigantic, black, sludgy clumps of nasty left on the yard are derived from a heinous Super AIDS reservoir scrape-away taken from beneath the basement stairwell. Now that the Super AIDS have been exposed to the outside, it has since manifested itself into an airborne pathogen infecting every living being within a 10 square-mile radius. The Observer recommends you use extreme caution to avoid the Super AIDS if and when you dare to venture outdoors. Some pertinent information on the virus:

  • The Super AIDS virus is visible to the naked eye. It looks much like a swarm of butthole-hungry gnats when approached
  • Super AIDS can fly up your nose, in your mouth or burrow itself under your eyelid or inside your genitalia
  • Super AIDS will not react to any type of disinfectant, i.e. pepper spray, bug spray, smoke or other harmful chemical. It is best to KILL IT WITH FIRE
  • Super AIDS will call you names prior to forcing itself all up in your face, bunghole or junk so if a swarm of bugs starts calling you “pissface” or “cock-munch”, RUN LIKE HELL

Please be wary of Super AIDS and its symptoms. If your face, genitals or asshole ingests a Super AID, here is what to expect:

  • Immense bloating
  • Beady, shifty eyes
  • Growling & other incoherent ramblings
  • Profuse sweat
  • Intense anger
  • Projectile diarrhea

These symptoms are, 9 times out of 10, immediately followed by explosion death. Super AIDS pretty much skips the useless “HIV” portion of infection and goes right to being horrifyingly AIDSy. There is but one known cure for an affliction of Super AIDS, and that is to sing showtunes until your asshole bleeds the Super AIDS out. Super AIDS hates showtunes. Be careful out there, you guys.