Tag Archives: headlines

Government Shutdown Leaves Police Department Short-Staffed

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Rambo mode

Rambo mode

West Fargo, ND—Amidst a federal government shutdown which the GOP minority is pitifully and embarrassingly using as leverage to bully the Affordable Care Act’s initiatives/supporters into their corner, local police departments are suffering a shortage of warm bodies.

The West Fargo Police Department is especially short-staffed, as all but one officer has decided to stay home due to the freezing of budget assets.

Officer Kenneth Noisewater, in bold defiance of the government shutdown, showed up ready and rarin’ to go for his morning shift. “I may not get paid today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but i’ll be damned if i’m letting any juveniles smoke cigarettes or degenerate drunks speed down Main avenue in their rust-bucket F-150s after getting lit up at the Town Hall. Not on my watch! I’ll go Rambo on their asses if I have to.”

Noisewater stated implicitly that he’s ready to extinguish crime of all forms by himself if he needs to and that he’s “not to be jerked with” during the government shutdown. It would appear that this government shutdown is already starting to affect many people in a variety of ways.

What to do now that Breaking Bad has ended

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Bad: Broken

Bad: Broken

One of the finest television dramas of all time has officially come to a close. It was as fantastic as fantastic shows get. Our main character evolved from a jovial father-figure to a ruthless drug kingpin leaving a trail of utter destruction in his wake and boy, are we hungover.

T H E  F E A R has set in. The feeling of helpless withdrawal. That same feeling an addict gets when his or her stash runs out and there’s no telling when the next fix will come.

The horror! What to do now?? You are flailing. Your Sunday nights will never be the same. Remember the throes of sickness we went through after THE WIRE ended? You don’t? You didn’t see THE WIRE??

Anyway, the issue at hand: You’re freaking out! We’ve Broken Bad and it’s all over but the crying! Hug for you. Everything will be fine. As always, The Observer is here to help.

How to appropriately deal with the loss of a show:

  • Talk about the show with someone who is caught up. It’s unhealthy to process every single nuance of the program yourself. If you try to do that, you will short-circuit your brain. You have to bounce your thoughts off one or more individuals who have opinions on its outcome. Can’t stress this enough. Message boards, forums, tweets and facebook are at your service if you don’t personally know someone who has Broken Bad (but chances are that you do). In so doing, you will form a bond with your fellow Broken Bads and in turn, help each other cope.
  • Watch it again. The show is over. The curtain has fallen….or has it? Walt & Jesse don’t have to be just a memory. They exist in the form of digital download on iTunes and instant streaming via Netflix. Heck, you can even stream the show online for free if you look hard enough (*cough* project free tv *cough cough*). After all, ease of access is what helped make the show so immensely popular. Reboot the show and consume the pilot episode like it’s your first of many heroin blasts.
  • Create a shrine. Cop a boatload of merch. Vamanos Pest work shirts, Walt & Jesse posters, Los Pollos Hermanos lunch bucket, blue meth candy, etc. Compile all of it into a giant Breaking Bad shrine and worship this shrine every Sunday night for eternity.

A simple three-point plan to help you get over your loss. Start this process now because if you don’t, next Sunday you’ll find yourself a borderline-suicidal mess. RIP Breaking Bad.

Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece

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Masterpiece to retrieve megabucks at auction

Masterpiece by Amsterdam Douglass to reap megabucks when sold at auction.

Fargo, ND – Super Artist and Renaissance Man Amsterdam Douglass unveiled his latest masterpiece to a small group of lucky friends the other night. Amsterdam Douglass calls the work: Slice Of Life. He also indicated that some of the cash gained from its sale might be given to the Slice Of Life Foundation, which essentially is a slush fund for hungry and motivated artists to eat, sleep, and paint, on a ranch for hungry artists. Volunteers will be needed at the ranch to serve coffee and cookies. If you have a special cookie recipe, please send it on a postcard to Ms. Honey McLove, here at the home office. Please include a note about yourself and your ancestry. Jean-Pierre Sloan believes that Amsterdam Douglass is perhaps the “premiere” talent today who crosses all borders of interest, gender, and style. Bi-weekly meetings are to be held in your neighborhood for family members to share a pot-luck dish of your own creation. A “Going Green” Hoedown will bring the community together just like the old days, starting with a Meet & Greet and the filling out of name tags. Amsterdam Douglass is also signing people up for a new neighborhood newsletter which will share ideas for ways to improve our existing social infrastructure. If you would like to be interviewed for the newsletter, again, contact Ms. Honey McLove and please don’t forget to indicate which department you want. Finally, we will end with a quotation from Amsterdam Douglass himself. “Between you and me and all the rest of the freaks, tomorrow cannot be as bad as today might have been.” Don’t forget to send in your postcard(s). Also remember that some of the proceeds of the art auction could possibly go to a “good cause”.

How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs

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Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs

Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs

La Push, Washington – For any man with man boobs, a new exercise has been specifically developed just for you.

As you may have seen, man boobs is a growing problem usually among middle-aged men. It affects everyone from some top pro golfers to the person possibly sitting next to you.

Luckily, some body physiology research scientists have come up with a new exercise just for you. It is called the Reptile Push-Up.

To perform the Reptile Push-Up, simply follow these easy directions:

In a standard push-up position, raise your right knee up until it touches your right elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten your arms out again. Straighten out your right leg back to the normal push-up position. This counts as one push-up.

Next, raise your left knee up until it touches your left elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten them out again. Straighten out your left leg back to the normal push-up position. This would be push-up number two.

By lifting a leg like a dog before performing a push-up, you shift more weight onto each arm in each repetition, which helps to build chest muscle more quickly and get rid of those man boobs.

After consulting with a doctor, work yourself up to 100 reptile push-ups in the morning right when you get out of bed and then do another 100 in the evening, probably just before supper.

We would love to hear about your success story if this post helps you get rid of your man boobs.

miley-cyrus-we-cant-stop

Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week – We Can’t Stop (Miley Cyrus)

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miley-cyrus-we-cant-stopThis week’s Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week go to Miley Cyrus and her song We Can’t Stop.  “We Can’t Stop” is off her fourth studio album Bangerz (2013). It was released on June 3, 2013 by RCA Record.

Alright, i’ll start off with the first chorus.

“It’s our party we can do what we want
It’s our party we can say what we want
It’s our party we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can see who we want (2x)”

Something must have happened to a party hosted by Miley Cyrus before for her to be so defensive about her party.  She keeps stating they can ‘do what they want.’

“Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere
Hands in the air like we don’t care
Cause we came to have so much fun now
Bet somebody here might get some now”

If there are sweaty bodies everywhere, I’m betting NOBODY is going to get some.  Gross.

“If you’re not ready to go home
Can I get a hell no
Cause we gonna go all night
Till we see the sunlight alright”

I’m suspecting she might have some meth or coke at the party as they are going to stay up until sunlight.

“So la da di da di, we like to party
Dancing with Miley
Doing whatever we want
This is our house
This is our rules
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
We run things, Things don’t run we
We don’t take nothing from nobody”

This is where the party dives into bad things happening.  They ‘can’t stop.’  This is serious issue.  Again, probably meth or coke is involved here.

More chorus

“It’s our party we can do what we want
It’s our party we can say what we want
It’s our party we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can see who we want”

“To my home girls here with the big butt
Shaking it like we at a strip club
Remember only God can judge ya
Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya
And everyone in line in the bathroom
Trying to get a line in the bathroom
We all so turned up here
Getting turned up, yeah, yeah”

Aha! My suspicions are correct.  Everyone is in line in the bathroom trying to actually GET a line.  Busted.

More chorus.  This song has two choruses if you haven’t noticed yet because ya know, one isn’t enough.

“So la da di da di, we like to party
Dancing with Miley
Doing whatever we want
This is our house
This is our rules
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
We run things
Things don’t run we
We don’t take nothing from nobody”

More chorus ….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“It’s our party we can do what we want
It’s our party we can say what we want
It’s our party we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can see who we want”

It’s our party we can do what we want to
It’s our house we can love who we want to
It’s our song we can sing if we want to
It’s my mouth I can say what I want to
Yea, Yea, Yeah”

Finally we will end it with what?  MORE CHORUS OF COURSE!

“And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
We run things
Things don’t run we
We don’t take nothing from nobody
Yea, Yea, Yea”

Here is the video to this terrible song.  You know a song will be a pop hit when it has two or more choruses.  Two or more choruses automatically equals utter shit.

ipad

Evolution of The Tablet PC

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Since the iPad made its debut in 2010, a list of other companies have been pumping out tablets as well.  However, way back in 2002, Windows launched the stylus-based Windows XP Tablet PC but it failed to catch the consumers attention though at the time.

I always say to people, “Why don’t you just get a laptop?  It has a keyboard and more functions.”  I’m always answered with a blank stare and a, “but it’s a tablet” response.

In 2010 the iPad was released.  This allowed you to replace your toilet magazines with digital versions.  Truly remarkable.

ipad

 

 

Samsung was soon to follow with the Samsung Galaxy Tab and the Motorola Xoom in 2011.  Today we have a whole host of manufacturers pumping out tablets.

AND NOW……they are releasing all kinds of accessories such as tablet keyboards.  That’s right.  Keyboards.  You just transformed your tablet into a damn computer!

tablet_keyboard

So instead of buying a laptop in the first place, people bought a tablet and are now spending money to convert it into basically back into a laptop.  Makes total sense. Am I right?

What’s that?  You want some speakers now for your tablet?  Here you go.

tablet_speakers

 

Now you have a tablet with a keyboard and speakers.  What do they call those?  LAPTOPS.  How about this.  Why don’t you just buy a damn laptop already?

The tablet has now evolved back into a laptop.

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

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The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.

 

 

 

 

Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

[form form-1]

 

Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.

nascar fan

How To Become A NASCAR Fan In 3 Days.

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nascar fan

Below I am going to give you some tips on how to become a NASCAR fan in only three days.  If you follow them to a T you are well on your way to becoming one the greatest NASCAR fans of all-time.

 

1. Go here.  Put your mouse over the scroller to the right and hold your mouse button down so you can scroll up and down.  Close your eyes.  Scroll up and down more than five times and then point and hold your finger on the screen.  Open your eyes.  Bingo!  You just picked your driver to root for.

2.  Buy all his memorabilia.  Little model cars, stickers, hats, t-shirts.  Try and wear them everyday.  Put a bunch of stickers of the driver all over your car.  Your goal here is to convince everyone that you are a hardcore fan and have been for quite sometime.

3. Visit Walmart and get some overalls and some flannel shirts.  Wear them as much as possible.

4. Spend your entire paycheck on a nascar ticket as well as a plane ticket.

5.  Switch your choice of beer to Miller Lite or any domestic beer for the matter.  Or, if your driver is sponsored by a beer company, you better damn well drink that beer and that beer only.

6.  Set all radio stations to country music.

7.  Sell your soul.

There you go.  You should be able to follow the easy tips above to become a true NASCAR fan in only three days.

fargo gate to hell

Scientists Discover A Gate to Hell In Fargo North Dakota

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fargo gate to hellIn breaking news, scientists have literally discovered a gate to hell.

This fiery hole of death was found right here in a farm field north of Fargo, North Dakota.  The farmer who farms the land was doing his regular gallop to check out his crops when he noticed in the middle of the field, light coming out of a hole.  Farmer Joe got off his cow (he rides cows not horses) and walked towards the light.

“As I got closer I realized it was a fiery hole of death from hell!  I ran back to my cow and rode him home, scared, and soaking with sweat!”

Farmer Joe contacted the local authorities who in turn contacted local scientists around the Fargo/Moorhead area.  Five scientists were sent out the next day on their horses and confirmed that it actually is a legitimate gate to hell.

Could it really be?  Scientists say they are absolutely sure.  Fargo, North Dakota is a perfect spot for satan and his minions to open up a gate to hell, they say.  With winter five months out of the year and wind and rain two months out of the year, the town is filled with pain, misery, and hopeless dreams.

Is Satan and his minions planning an attack?  Using the gate to hell as a spawn point?  Or will they use it as a recruiting tool?  Or possibly a spot to sacrifice humans to please their leader?  We don’t know for sure yet.  Bill is trying to secure an interview with Satan himself but his assistants are being difficult dicks, he says.

Local authorities have blocked off all areas surrounding the hole from hell and stated they will arrest anyone who crosses the line or tries entering the hole.

Story is developing……

Oscar The Grouch

Oscar The Grouch Admits He Is Made Of Marijuana

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Oscar The GrouchOscar The Grouch, a muppet character from the ever so popular kids show Sesame Street, has finally come clean about himself.

Today on Good Morning America, Oscar has revealed to the world that he is actually made out of Marijuana.

“I feel it was time to finally come clean about myself.  I am indeed, one big nug of weed.”

Parents Television Council have been in a huff since this revelation as Sesame Street is a childrens television show.

Concerned parents are afraid Oscar The Grouch will endanger their children, turn them into murderers, and become a gateway to more hardcore drugs.  However, after speaking with some current and former children on the show, they stated that they have been smoking Oscar The Grouch for quite sometime now which explains why they always seem so happy on the show.

oscar the grouch smoking weed

Oscar states that he does not put pressure on any children to smoke him but does admit it helps him, as well as the children, deal with the fact that there is a big yellow talking bird on the show.  It also calms his nerves due to the stress of living in a garbage can all his life.