Tag Archives: monkeys

ND DOT Has Plans To Reduce Driver License Wait Times From 4 Hours Down To Only 3 Hours!

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At the ND DOT, the depart-mental morale is high (with an emphasis on the “mental” portion).

Fargone, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has been working overtime to come up with some plans to decrease wait times to get driver’s licenses and that newly mandated REAL ID.

As wait times have recently elongated to over four hours, the ND DOT wants and needs to improve customer satisfaction by improving their services.

Some changes coming on the horizon include:

• Adding one additional service window at each and every location across the state.

• Provide stronger coffee for DOT workers.

• Make the driving test a lot easier to pass by showing all the correct answers.

Just imagine only having to wait 3 hours instead of 4!

• Add new temporary satellite offices at some popular local bars so people can have a beer while waiting.

• Call the “next served” numbers in random order instead of consecutive order to give everyone an equal chance.

• Create an alternative to the mandated REAL ID…called FAKE ID.

• Hire professional musicians, monkeys, mimes, magicians, and clowns to entertain folks while they wait for service.

Next Fargo Air Show Promises Some Amazing Never-Seen-Before Acts

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One amazing act involves jets flying in opposite directions but sharing the same smoke trail!

Fargo, ND – The upcoming Fargo Air Show has somehow put together fifteen new acts and entertainment for people who think they’ve seen everything.

Yo, you ain’t seen nothing like this year’s line-up of aerial grande entertainment!

Here is a “summerized” listing of fifteen reasons why you should not miss this next Fargo Air Show:

✈ The Flying Nuns
✈ Giant Space Cannon
✈ Phone Drone juggling
✈ Stealth bomber rides
✈ Mega G-Force Stimulator
✈ Mach Four demonstrations
✈ Jet Pack Races for all ages
✈ Snoopy’s Sopwith Camel flyover
✈ Meet & Greet some NASA monkeys
✈ Cloud Seeding by the Rainmakers
✈ Princess Layla’s Star Wars ship
✈ Opposite-direction jet smoke trails
✈ Wright Brothers 1st flight re-enactment
✈ Trained Bald Eagles flying in formations
✈ Vertical hot air balloon rides to stratosphere

Jimmy Kimmel Being Investigated For Using Unlicensed Monkey To Prepare His Taxes

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Jimmy Kimmel’s attorney allegedly paid this monkey $130,000 to prepare Jimmy Kimmel’s tax return.

Hollywood, CA – Comedy King Jimmy Kimmel, who once claimed that he used a dog to prepare his tax return, has now been told he’s being investigated for allegedly using an unlicensed monkey to do his tax work.

Tax auditors admit the monkey is a hard worker and has built quite the monkey business; basically, whenever there’s work to be done, if monkey see it, monkey do it.

Mr. Kimmel is trying to defend his actions by claiming the monkey is considered family, as Kimmel is supposedly the monkey’s uncle.

New Fargo Motorcycle Gang Called ‘Hell Monkeys’

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Fargo cautiously welcomes The Hell Monkeys to town.

Fargo, ND – Whether it likes it or not, Fargo now has a new motorcycle gang with which to contend.

The Hell Monkeys are their name and they claim to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Hell Monkey members tend to emulate one another because: monkey see, monkey do.

They purportedly only deal with monkey business that may or may not land them behind monkey bars.

Fargo Police might throw a monkey wrench into their plans if The Hell Monkeys decide to monkey around any laws.

The gang’s leader is named Bingo – a grease monkey by trade, a beer monkey during the evenings, a monkeyshine on the weekends, and a monkey’s uncle to Bubbles who lived at Neverland Ranch with Michael’s Jackson.

The Hell Monkey motto is “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” which includes disregarding all speed limits since they cannot read street signs.

The gang concurs with the old saying: if you pay peanuts, you get chunky monkeys but if you don’t pay any peanuts, you get angry monkeys.

They are also warning Fargo residents to never monkey with another monkey’s monkey.

If you ever need to get a monkey off your back, you may need to monkey up and do the monkey hustle with some fresh bananas, lest one or more gang members go ape on you.

Mail Delivery In Some Fargo Neighborhoods Described As ‘Random’ At Best

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In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chances of getting someone else’s mail is: 100%

Fargo, ND – “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

But nowhere in the U.S. Postal Service’s motto does it say that mail will be swiftly delivered to the correct address.

In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chronic problem of mail being delivered to the wrong address is so bad that it has gone beyond just a maddening irritation to the point of being a laughable joke!

“It’s gotten so bad” says Ann Velope, “that it seems like they’re either screwing things up on purpose, or blind chimpanzees are sorting and delivering our mail.”

The Postmaster admits there might be an occasional problem but is quick to point out that “when a piece of mail is successfully delivered to the correct address, it’s a miracle that should be celebrated, especially when you consider that many mail carriers have dyslexia. But since no one can ever be fired from a government job, they either keep working their current job, or get promoted, like I did.”

florida herpes monkeys

Herpes-infected Monkeys Terrorize Florida

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florida herpes monkeysHundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.

Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.

Read more….