Tag Archives: movie

Local Fargo Filmmaker Has A Big Hit With His New Film “Gristly Nights”

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Gristly Nights voted #1 movie at many film fests.

Fargo, ND – A young and upcoming filmmaker from Fargo has boldly announced his presence in the film-making world with a #1 hit at the box office.

Dicky “Dick” Glanders is his name and Gristly Nights is his hot new movie.

Gristly Nights is being nominated for many awards including best new movie and best new director.

The plot follows a corporate executive who undergoes profound changes during a major mid-life crisis.

Movie critic Bopp Zanff says of Gristly Nights: “If this movie is not in your Top Ten, you are a schmuck. This movie will change the world. I give Dicky’s new movie 6 Stars!”

Storms Completely Wipe The Town Of Centralia, ND Off The Map

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The quaint town of Centralia, ND is no more.

Centralia, North Dakota – Where there once stood a vibrant little North Dakota town called Centralia, there is now nothing.

“It’s like the town never even existed,” noted one stunned observer who drove by shortly after the storms evaporated.

National Weather Service data confirms that two very strong storms hit Centralia around suppertime but by bedtime there were no beds, no homes, no nothing.

The disappearance of Centralia is already being made into a movie. If you would like to be an extra in this movie, please show up at the former site of this lost town dressed as if you were a Centralian. Please bring your own lunch and water jug as the grocery store is also completely gone.

Golfer Ian Poultergeist Somehow Got Trapped In A Television Set

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Ian Poultergeist trapped in this TV.

Buckinghamshire, England – Professional golfer Ian Poultergeist who is known for his bold fashion has somehow gotten trapped in an old television set.

Mr. Poultergeist: “Yes, I am definitely trapped in this TV and cannot seem to figure a way out.”

Becoming trapped in a television set is quite uncommon but has been known to happen from time to time, especially in England.

Cable Company: “We don’t know where Mr. Poultergeist is but would like to ask if you’d like to upgrade to our Premium Package.”

Ian Poultergeist’s golf caddie says Ian will continue to play in all upcoming tournaments that Ian has had scheduled for the 2017 season.

Mr. Poultergeist: “To all my fans: Hello and I’m fine. To everyone: Please help me find a way out of this Telly!”

35-Foot Snake Possibly On The Loose In Moorhead

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A reward of free snakeskin boots will be given to the person who captures this extremely large snake which answers to the name “Slang”.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities not wanting to cause any sort of panic in the normally quaint city of Moorhead are quietly warning residents that a very large snake is unfortunately slithering around town.

The snake, whose name is Slang, somehow got loose while a local film crew was working on a new movie called Snake On The Plains.

While the movie-makers were having an extended smoke break to discuss the Carson Wentz situation, the unattended 35-foot armless reptile wandered off in the direction of Concordia College.

Dr. Thiv Simpkins is an expert Herpetologist: “This unusually large snake should pose no threat to the general public as long as it’s not hungry. Do you know what I’m saying?”

If you happen to come across Slang in your backyard or perhaps down in your basement, please remember that even though Slang is a movie star, it is still a 35-foot snake who maybe hasn’t eaten in a few days.

Sales Exec Serves As Lookout During Illicit Video Playback

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Picture courtesy of Getty Images and FOX’s new movie, Unfinished Business, in theaters March 6th

If you want to have childish fun at work, you better make sure you don’t get caught. That’s the risk you take when you watch fail vids and barf vids during business hours.

In order to combat this risk, you need to take the proper precautions.

Sales executive Dan Trunkman was given the hefty responsibility of keeping an eye on the hallway as they all watched a hilarious barf video on YouTube. “One of us needs to serve as lookout while we watch. Dan, it’s your turn,” said lead marketing analyst Shalli McSkeetle.

“There’s a lot on the line here. If anyone catches us watching this video, we’re in deep shit,” Dan says. “I can keep my right eye on the barf vid and at the same time, keep my left eye on the hallway. It’s an invaluable skill, my man.”

Dan went on to say that he’s honing his lookout skills for this year’s March Madness tournament. He’s expected to be on hallway lookout for two straight days while the gang watches basketball online.

Phone Call Bails Area Man Out Of Face-to-Face Conversation

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Picture courtesy of Getty Images and FOX’s new movie, Unfinished Business, in theaters March 6th

The awkward drudgery of interpersonal small talk was brought to an abrupt halt today for one area man. Mike Pancake was nearly out of things to talk about with his rambling co-worker Randy when the gods finally smiled upon him: His phone rang.

Mike could hardly contain his joy as he felt the vibration in his pocket. “Excuse me, Randy, I have to take this,” he explained as Randy’s incessant mutterings trailed off.

“Dude, you freaking saved me. I was about to pull Randy’s face off like Geena Davis did to hers in Beetlejuice,” said Mike to his savior, while a sullen Randy stared off into space.

“I swear if you get within 8 feet of Randy’s desk, you get sucked into a weird conversation every time. He’s like a human black hole.”

United Nations Hires Liam Neeson To Eliminate ISIS

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Bye-bye forever, ISIS (or at least until the sequel)

Action movie star Liam Neeson has taken up a special assignment in between filming dominator action films.

At the behest of the United Nations and by special request of President Obama, Liam Neeson will seek out and destroy the terrorist cell known as ISIS.

Liam Neeson’s publicist, in a statement released yesterday:

“He doesn’t know who they are. He doesn’t know what they want. If they are looking for ransom, my client can say he doesn’t have money. But what he does have is a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long acting career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like them. If they quit terrorist activity now, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for them, he will not pursue them. But if they don’t, he will look for them, he will find them, and he will kill them.”

MV5BMTU2ODI3ODEyOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTM3NTQzNDE@._V1__SX1252_SY797_Neeson acknowledges this as the pinnacle ass-kicking of his long, storied career of ass-kickings. “Throughout my time in film, I’ve fearlessly taken out enemies in many different countries on Earth, as well as in space and la-la land and what have you. This assignment will be no different…no different than the assignment of my lead character in my movie, Run All Night. Go see it, won’t you?”

Yes, Mr. Neeson. Yes we will see it—just please don’t hurt us!

Run All Night is available now on DVD/BLU-RAY.

Should I go see The Avengers or watch a real movie: HELLRAISER?

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Washington, DC – Today at the White House, a government mandate was unanimously passed into marshall law requiring every American citizen to go see The Avengers because “It’s SO damn good.” It seems that everybody has seen The Avengers and an equal amount of people (everybody on the planet) loved it. You want to be entertained, maybe even shaken to your innermost core? GO BUY HELLRAISER TONIGHT. Hellraiser was so scary good, they made, like, 20 sequels to it. They couldn’t keep Pinhead off the screen he was so damn alluring. Pinhead is the baddest villain of all time, hands down. Why don’t you try & piss off Pinhead, hot shot. Watch what happens. It’s only the most heinous act of torture imaginable.

And then there’s the Cenobites. Who are they, you ask? Just Pinhead’s evil-toting, inescapable torture posse. This sticky, slimy band of ghoulish hellfreaks?? You could take Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers AND Leatherface to the party and not get nearly the amount of heart attacks, face explosions and blood vomit that you would if you brought the freaking CENOBITES. The Cenobites walked straight through hell’s portal just to torment you. They aren’t human (Myers, Leatherface, Jason (allegedly)) nor are they conjured from some poor little kid’s dream (Krueger). These leatherclad hellbeast torture specialists are gonna waltz right through the gates of hell, find you, and fucking ream your ass.

I would like for somebody to provide a convincing argument as to why The Avengers is better than Hellraiser and if you can persuade me, I will go see The Avengers tonight wearing only a jock strap & cape. Please watch Hellraiser then leave your argument in the comments section below. Thank you.