Tag Archives: presidency

Fargo Man Won’t Confirm Nor Deny That He’s Running For President

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Will I or won’t I? Shall I or shan’t I? These are the tough questions facing Fargo’s Rinfret Pounders.

Fargo, ND – At this time, Fargo native Rinfret Pounders will neither confirm or deny that he is planning on running for president of the United States in the next presidential election.

Speculation surrounding the 35-year-old Fargo native continues to swirl while a decision to run or not by Rinfret Pounders is still completely up in the air.

Mr. Pounders’ best friend and chief campaign strategist is Pruner Steindorf, who recently leaked:

“At this juncture, Mr. Rinfret Pounders may or may not be running for president. We are leaving all options on the table, if you will.”

Curiously, all of the letters in Rinfret Pounders and Pruner Steindorf can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Run For President!

Hillary Clinton Recruiting Tech Students To Host Her Email Server

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Presumptive President Clinton ponders potential political possibilities.

Washington, DC – As the presumptive president Hillary Rodham Clinton proactively prepares to move back into the White House along with her husband Bill and his concubine Monica Lewinsky, the former Secretary of State is seeking the services of some smart, young, tech-minded students to securely store her email server in their broom closet so classified information does not fall into the hands of international hackers, or even worse, the Republicans.

The smartest woman in the world has shown a penchant in the past for using a non-government, privately maintained server when conducting official classified government business instead of one that is maintained on supposedly secure federal government servers even though her use of private messaging system software and a private server violated government procedures and federal regulations governing record keeping requirements, only because Hillary is so smart and feels she can do the job of keeping classified emails safe and private better than some federal flunkies who don’t really know what the hell they’re doing when it comes to top-secret information.

As president, Hillary wants to make sure she maintains the high security standards she set for herself while Secretary of State so she can focus all her energy on making the rich (like John Kerry) pay their fair share, rather than wasting her time testifying under oath as to how her classified emails were or were not allegedly hacked by the vast right wing conspiracy.

Donald Trump To House Speaker Boehner: ‘You’re Fired!’

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John Boehner, you're fired!

John Boehner, you’re fired!

New York, NY – In preparation for his upcoming presidency, Donald Trump is already making some big changes.

On Friday, the Trumpster told House Speaker John Boehner, “You’re Fired!”.

Now, whenever anyone has a weepy, tearful moment, it is being called “a Boehner moment”.

At this juncture, The Donald is leaning toward having Motivational Speaker Matt Foley replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

Here is a list of some other possible key changes President-Elect Donald Trump wants to make for his administration:

  • Gary Busey: White House Chief-of-Staff
  • La Toya Jackson: Plastic Surgeon General
  • Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea
  • Megyn Kelly: Ambassador to Siberia
  • Rosie O’Donnell: Secretary of Sanitation & Waste Disposal
  • Bill Cosby: Drug Company Czar
  • Ray Rice: Head of Hotel Security
  • Michael Vick: Director of the Humane Society
  • Al Sharpton: N-Word Police Force Captain
  • Tom Brady: Deflation Czar
  • Bernie Madoff: Treasury Secretary
  • Ted Nugent: President of the N.R.A.
  • Willie’s Nelson: Medical Marijuana Czar
  • Subway’s Jared Fogle: Director of Youth Programs
  • Larry Bird: Avian Flu Coach
  • King Kong: Outside Building Inspector
  • Jerry Lundegaard: CA$H-For-Clunkers Director
  • Major Tom: Director of N.A.S.A.
  • Walter White: Methodist Church Bishop
  • Caitlyn Jenner: Transportation Secretary
  • Jack Daniels: Head of the A.T.F.
  • The UND Fighting Sioux: Oversee the N.C.A.A.
  • Dracula: Director of the Blood Bank & The Red Cross
  • Billy Graham: Secretary of S’mores
  • KFGO’s Joel Heitkamp: Head Grammarian
  • Chewbacca: Director of ESL (English as a 2nd Language)
  • Billy Bob Thornton: In charge of just General Weird Shit
  • Village People: To oversee the Y.M.C.A.
  • Men at Work: In charge of Job Creation
  • Pink Floyd: In charge of The Wall
  • Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: Ebola Czar

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