Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the dreaded zebra mussel. Say hello to MegaCrab.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The Minnesota DNR has begrudgingly confirmed the addition of a new aquatic nuisance species (ANS) to their growing list.

While the inexorable invasion of zebra mussels continues to threaten local lakes and lake property values, this newest aquatic nuisance species could even threaten the lives of innocent human beings.

Say hello to the MegaCrab. These bad boys reproduce almost as prolifically as zebra mussels but have multiple ways to cause pain and/or death.

Besides being able to kill humans with either their antennae, front pinchers, crab-hands, or tails, their entire outer hard shells are lined with poisonous razor-sharp barbs.

“If you accidentally step on one of these hella-demons, all your neighbors at the lake will hear and feel your pain” warns ANS biologist Dean Dooley. “Once your lake is discovered to have MegaCrabs, have fun trying to sell your lake property with one of them sitting on your dock, while eating a duck.”

It is believed that the MegaCrabs, which can grow to the size of a large cocker spaniel, are the result of transmutations coming out of the radioactive fall-out from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

These giant creatures have slowly been spreading throughout the world by attaching themselves to ocean-going petroleum tankers because they, for some reason, love the taste of sweet crude oil.

This is why biologist Dean Dooley also has to remind folks to not eat the MegaCrabs. “It would taste like eating a radioactive lobster that’s been marinating in crude oil for ten years.”