American Medical Journal Identifies New Disease Epidemic: Mediabetes

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Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Washington, D.C. – Research from the American Medical Association has uncovered a new disease silently plaguing our society: Mediabetes. Mediabetes is defined as a condition in which the brain’s inability to produce enough of its own creative ideas causes elevated levels of moronic thoughts in the mind.

Renowned neurologist, Dr. Helena Hanbasquet, describes the recent explosion of mediabetes in the U.S. as “extremely concerning”. She adds, “The potential for complete and utter societal disintegration definitely exists. Mediabetes is not only more rampant than previously thought, it is also proving to be nearly impossible to treat. Among my colleagues, patients with the disease are referred to as BURNS, which stands for Basically Untreatable Really Neanderthal Stupid. That about sums it up.”

“We’re seeing more and more people stumbling through our emergency room doors with no discernible clue what’s going on,” says Dane Jerrus, EMT. “Most of them have lost their smartphones or tablets, which precipitates a total shutdown of all mental function. It’s like Night Of The Living Dead sometimes. Seriously.”

Dr. Hanbasquet has created the website duh.org, which offers tips for preventing Mediabetes, symptoms of the disease, and a short test to determine your risk factors. Test questions include:

Do you believe reality TV is real?
Do you tweet more than 250 times per day?
Has it been longer than a week since you spoke to a real person?

Hanbasquet urges that all Americans who still know how to read visit duh.org immediately. “Together, we can put an end to this terrible disease. Or at least pass legislation ensuring that BURNS can no longer drive, purchase firearms, post online, own a home, or procreate. Either way works for me.”

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Kitz

Contributing writer since February, 2014.