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Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

North Dakota to propose changing state name to FUN DAKOTA

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Fun Dakota

Fun Dakota

Fargo, ND – Here we go again. It’s the time of the year in which our great state fights the never-ending battle with boredom and exclusion. The time of year when a sheer blanket of cold will envelop our region, warding off even those brave Manitobans who dared venture southward.

It is time for the North Dakota tourism board to either get inventive or shut it all down until spring. That is why they have decided to initiate state legislature to implement a permanent name change that will once and for all upgrade the state’s name from North Dakota to Fun Dakota!

The tourism board stated that this bill, if it passes, will completely change the North Dakotan landscape for the better. Fun Dakota will become a haven for exciting wintertime tourist activity, such as:

395139528_df2f2d3f0e_m

  • King of the Hill tournaments
  • Ice mound spelunking
  • Drinking whiskey until you’re numb
  • Windshield ice-scraping competitions
  • Going to McDonald’s

The state house of representatives needs a positive vote ratio of 2/3 in order to pass this type of change into law, which the tourism board expects will happen easily.

Welcome to FUN Dakota, where the weather is cold and the girls are hot! Enjoy your stay!

Crazed Gun Owners Planning Government Takeover Defense Strategy

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We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

Birmingham, AL – Deranged gun zealots across the nation are banding together in a show of defiance over the Obama administration’s looming gun law initiatives. A gun guy in Alabama is leading the charge by launching a web forum where concerned gun owners can go to congregate.

Bronk Chinters of Birmingham, Alabama has started the Protect This House coalition via his website www.protect-this-house.org.

It stands to serve as a virtual message board that concerned gun owners can use to brainstorm and share strategies on how to best defend against a governmental takeover. Mr. Chinters:

“We fear that the Obama administration is poised to use executive order to outlaw our high-powered weapons. If we don’t take action on this before it’s too late, the National Guard will proceed upon us with enough force to steal our guns and create a totalitarian state. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit couldn’t take down a tank with a semi-automatic pea shooter. Gonna need my assault weapons and a gameplan in order to defend against such an action.”

Guns don't kill people...

Guns don’t kill people…

Chinters went on to say that he and his “unit leaders” are developing “lock and load” strategies on the website that, in the event of a government takeover, could be used to organize and establish various “defense hubs” around the nation.

What would these defense hubs do, if so provoked? Preliminary strategy indicates they would suit up with riot gear, barricade themselves in a fortress and point their assault rifles at the government until the government sees that giant collection of guns and decides to retreat. Or something like that. Their strategies do not dictate a means to an end.

Protect This House seems convinced that they could take action against the United States government if they had to, but neither the coalition nor any other crazed gun owner has been able to establish a plausible exit strategy for their defense movement.

Gun owners who wish to participate in the effort can visit www.protect-this-house.org for more information. However, in the event that such a website did not exist, it would be every man for himself if the government did decide to completely ruin itself and the country via a hostile takeover.

LEAKED: Jim Harbaugh text message conversation with John Harbaugh!

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As i’m sure everyone is aware, the two head coaching brothers John and Jim Harbaugh will be leading their respective teams against each other in the Super Bowl this February 3rd. They have been a competitive pair of siblings ever since their childhood days and judging from past performance, their blood runs hot with the desire to win.

As reported by CBS Baltimore, the two brothers have been exchanging only text messages prior to the big game. Upon hearing this news, I became unnaturally curious as to what was being said so I did what any aggressively curious person would: I decided to magically obtain a hacked text message conversation between the two brothers. The following is a transcript of Jim texting on the right (green) with John replying on the left (grey):

Xv9AlLBoUXdK10-OJHvLN7Sl-dqe7-C77URmcKGLolU

FK3g3Nxu-GqQA0SNXTAsOVG76Q4iSJasAbuZfLVrVAY

 

It would appear we have quite the sibling rivalry on our hands here! What better way to finally prove who is the better brother than beating him in the Super Bowl. This rivalry is sure to escalate over the coming days as the Har-Bowl gets closer. We will keep you updated.

Local cops prepared in case Obama takes guns

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Domination

Domination

Fargo, ND – Police departments across our F-M area are taking initiative in case Obama uses executive order to “control” the nation’s guns. Local law enforcement agencies are preparing their officers for hand-to-hand perp wrangling if such a drastic measure would, in fact, completely outlaw and remove all guns from the national landscape.

Cops are stepping up their self-defense skills as well as their ability to out-wit and out-muscle dangerous perps.

Officer-in-training Danny Rudd:

“I’ve been watching every James Bond movie on repeat to get real familiar with kickin’ perps’ asses without a gun. The wife has been letting me practice my throat-chop technique on her. Pretty useful.”

Lieutenant Carl Mitchum:

“Perps are dangerous, sure, but they are also dumb. You can pick up any Tom Clancy novel where he writes about war stealth. Stealth is the number one weapon of a Navy SEAL so we will apply it to everyday perp-wrangling. When it’s time to arrest the perp, he will never see it coming!”

Patrolman Roger Hallsworth:

“I cannot wait for my first perp chase ‘n beat. I’ve been running stairs like Rocky, juicing up for the next criminal. Those knuckleheads don’t stand a chance.”

Departments are also handing out Human Growth Hormone supplements and other performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to give their officers the upper-hand. This doesn’t bode well for criminals in the Fargo-Moorhead area as the officers around here are becoming more dangerous and efficient than ever before.

New device streamlines ignoring calls and texts

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MetaWatch

MetaWatch

Las Vegas, NV – One of the big reveals at last week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas was a revolutionary new smartphone device. The device is considered an application as it works in conjunction with the iPhone to alert you of incoming calls/texts/notifications. Not in the way you’re thinking, however. This new type of “app” comes not in the form of software for the iPhone, but in the form of hardware! Yes, MetaWatch smart watch pushes incoming iPhone alerts via bluetooth directly to your wrist!

The innovators at MetaWatch kept the importance of ignoring alerts in mind when they created this device. Today’s young adult is constantly on-the-go with meetings, appointments and other important events so saving time is of the essence. MetaWatch helps answer the important question: What could we do to circumvent the prompt answering of texts and calls? Bingo! We can separate the notification from the actual device so we can screen calls without even touching the phone. 

Let’s be honest–are we not having to touch the iPhone to properly address the notification anyway, thus actually rendering MetaWatch as a slight inconvenience? Yes, but initial hipster reaction has still been very positive:

“It’s just easier than switching screens on the phone I’m already staring at all day.”

This innovative new hardware is poised to streamline the ignoring of calls and texts. Neglect incoming inquiries faster than ever before with METAWATCH.

NFL players breathe sigh of relief after not making Pro Bowl

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Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for christ's sake

Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for pete’s sake

New York, NY – The National Football League Pro Bowl roster was announced recently, and much to the relief of many players around the league, they were not included. The Pro Bowl has become an inconvenience of sorts for NFL players. Especially the ones who don’t make the playoffs and would rather move on with their lives than lace ’em up for one more completely meaningless game.

Players are over the Pro Bowl. All it really means anymore is a free trip to Hawaii and a small monetary bonus. Take it from one of the league’s top defensive players, Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman. Sherman was asked by the Associated Press what his thoughts were after being left off the Pro Bowl roster:

“It don’t mean nothing. I bet you I’ll be on the first-team All-Pro. That means more to me.”

For a rookie or a player relatively new to the league, it might be a big deal. But to the seasoned veteran who flies to Hawaii year after year, it’s gotten to be pretty mundane. Players show up, goof around and don’t really compete due to the threat of injury. Hell, both they and the fans have more fun in the skills competition than the actual game.

That being said, congratulations are still in order for Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning for making the Pro Bowl roster. They fought off career-threatening injuries only to come back and rip apart NFL defenses. For the rest of you: suck it up and go to Hawaii or we’ll vote you into the 2013 NFL Diva Squad.

walmart

Crappy Christmas gift return lines already forming outside Wal Mart

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2012 Presidental Election Romney Loss WalmartFargo, ND – Not even a handful of hours after Aunt Edna gave you that putrid, two-sizes-too-small sweater for Christmas, you are ready to return it for cash. Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Edna’s purse, you scrooge!? Ugly socks, pajama pants, Crocs, Just For Men, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Wally World eager to trade in their crap for money.

Long lines have begun to form outside of your neighborhood Wal Mart, as is holiday shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:

Emily, 16-
“I am NOT a size 4. I am EASILY a size 3, or a 2 on a good day. I can’t wear this!”

Ron, 46-
“Apparently the wife thinks my hair is greying or whatever. That’s bull. I have a perfectly natural look going.”

Adam, 33-
“This jacket won’t get me laid. It looks like something a street urchin would wear.”

These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for Wal Mart so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Wednesday”. The Observer can only hope they don’t get caught up in a money-hungry Black Friday-esque stampede that we Americans are notorious for.

For the rest of you, we wish you Happy Holidays! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gift!

Mitt Romney Doing “Just Fine” After Losing Election

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Mitt-Romney-Political-Cyborg2San Diego, CA – The 2012 Presidential election lived up to the hype as one of the more polarizing elections in political history. The ups and downs of debating, campaigning, gaffing, 47%-ing, and polling helped create some of the most entertaining democracy of all time. Business as usual will continue for President Obama, but the Observer was left to wonder how Mitt Romney is coping after the election.

 

The Observer caught up with the former Republican nominee at his home in San Diego for a little one-on-one…

FM Observer: Hello, Governor Romney. Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

Mitt Romney: Oh, ha ha. You’re welcome. You can call me Mittledon.

FMO: Mittledon?

MR: Yes, Mittledon. It is my given name.

FMO: Ok…Mittledon… Thank you for having me. Now that the campaigning and election hoopla is over, how are you and the Mrs. spending your time these days?

MR: Ann and I are fine. We have been fine and will be. Ann enjoys to snippet pictures of reasonably-priced goods from newspaper mailings. I have taken up the hobby of the reading of web publications.

FMO: So, Ann clips coupons and you are an internet addict? Is that accurate?

MR: Yes, completely.

FMO: Hm. Lovely. Is this retirement? Are you effectively retired from your work as a politician?

MR: Ha ha, not entirely! I will still consult for the office of Massachusetts Governor as a private consultant. Ann with her charitable work. I also spend time with my many children, Tagg, Batt, Rigg, Mock, and Fudd.

FMO: Are your children getting into politics?

MR: They are not.

FMO: (confused)…uh…ok. So, tell me, your work as a private investor has proven to be a very successful venture. Do you have any advice for young people who want to get into investing?

MR: Certainly. I would tell them to make smart decisions for the good of the company you are investing for. Money is a tool, and a very valuable one. The more tools a company has, the more prepared it is to function in an American society. Get your tools, polish them, center them and use them to help the business. Would you like to see my tool collection?

FMO: Yes.

MR: (Mittledon leads me into his master bedroom. In it, I am shown a king-sized bed constructed out of laminated $100 bills. It is magnificent.) This is how Ann and I keep our bed at night.

FMO: Jesus…it’s…breathtaking.

MR: I know, it is. I have one just like it back home in Boston. The mattress is stuffed with a mixture of shredded $100 bills and Orca whale blubber. The softest, richest mattress the planet has ever known.

FMO: This is just fantastic. You’ve done very well for yourself, Mittledon.

MR: Ann and I thank you for saying so. (We leave the bedroom)

FMO: So what’s next for Mitt Romney? Do you have a 5-year plan in mind?

MR: Ann and I will take our time deciding. I suspect I will be called upon to assist with various aspects of political prowess for the Republican party. If so, that is fine. If not, there may certainly come a time in which I will be asked to donate my body to science. Would you like to ask a follow-up question to that statement?

FMO: (confused again) Um…sure. (long pause)…Why would you consider donating your body to science, Mittledon?

MR: I am comprised of a fusion of mechanic microorganisms and people flesh. There was an experiment done many years ago, well ahead of its time. I am the result of that experiment. Ha ha, but the details of that experiment are for another time. Ann and I thank you, you should go now.

FMO: (I lock eyes with Mittledon. I notice a very rapid quivering of his pupils.) Ok, Mr. Romney I thank you for the opportunity! 

MR: You. Are welcome.

Restaurant review: McDonald’s never fails (to disappoint)

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ronald_mcdonald_jumping1-1Fargo, ND – It all starts as soon as you wake up in the morning. You’ve overslept. You’re running late to work. Now, in order to fill your daily “quota” or keep on task at the office, you have to cut corners. You are forced to shorten your lunch hour. One minute, you have plans to meet a friend at a respectable establishment like Toscana. The next minute, you have to cancel and hit up the McDonald’s drive-thru because you’re pressed for time.

Couldn’t be a worse lunchtime scenario. Gag. Driven by the need for convenience, I begrudgingly head out to my car at 12:35 (a little over a half hour into my lunch hour) and speed off to the nearest McDonald’s. During the entire 1-minute drive my mind is racing frantically, trying to figure out how I got here. How I found myself in this miserable situation.

“Where did I go wrong?? Lack of preparation? Irresponsibility? So much could have been done to prevent this from happening.”

By the time I end up in the drive-thru lane, my mind is in such a state of turmoil that i’m no longer hungry. Frankly, i’m sick to my stomach with disgust. The good news: only 3 cars in front of me, so this should go quick. The bad news: only 3 cars in front of me, so it’s decision-making time. These lines move fast. The last time I was at a McDonald’s there were still leaves on the trees, making the impromptu drive-thru decision that much more difficult.

What’s this? They’ve revamped the dollar menu yet again?? The usual suspects are there (Big Mac, Quarter-Pounder), but my appetite is not. In the back of my head i’ve already predicted the outcome:

“Gotta make this simple. For Christ’s sake, be smart. Don’t over-analyze this. Two double-cheeseburgers and you are outta here.”

By the time i’m at the drive-thru speaker, my heart rate is jacked. I’m sweating. The last thing on my mind at this point is eating McDonald’s fast food, but again, i’m left with no choice. I blurt out my order, pay, and proceed to find my parking spot. I will sit there, alone in my car with tears running down my face, choking back a who-knows-what burger and swallowing my pride in the process.

McDonald’s – ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Morgan Freeman dies, makes statement about Newtown shooting

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Not dead

Not dead

Los Angeles, CA – Morgan Freeman has been a busy man lately. In between dying multiple times in the past year on Twitter (only to come back to life again and again) and being most certainly, 100% dead on Facebook, the famed movie actor with the golden voice has lent his vocal talents and genuine opinion to us via a shared internet post.  A long-winded, blameful statement from Internet Morgan Freeman about the unfortunate event in Newtown, Connecticut went viral over the weekend:

 

“You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.

It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine?[…]”

 

The purported ‘statement’ continues on as a media-bashing diatribe of epic proportions. Why on Earth the real Morgan Freeman would take to Facebook to make his opinion on this matter known is beyond me. As a matter of fact, it isn’t true. Freeman’s publicist has since contradicted this ‘statement’ with a statement of his own, calling the Facebook blabber a complete fabrication.

It just goes to show you, not everything you read on the internet should be believed. Except the stuff you read on the FM Observer. We would never lie to you. Never! (winky face)