Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

BREAKING: Doctors find 9th unborn fetus inside Octomom

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4063689470_7789d77f11_bLos Angeles, CA – During a routine check-up at the local OBGYN, excavators discovered a lifeless unborn fetus stuck inside famously inseminated degenerate Nadya Suleman, also known as Octomom. A visit to the gyno is no picnic for Octomom, as a team of doctors wearing HAZMAT suits and spelunking gear is needed to perform even the most simple and routine Octomaintenance.

Doctors went exploring recently and made a shocking discovery: a 9th baby. It appears that not all the children were harvested from the Octocave! Miss Suleman was, needless to say, shocked and dismayed at the discovery.

We caught up with one of the fearless spelunkers/Doctors to get some insight as to what went on:

“The vaginal walls were very dry. It was rank. The HAZMAT suit I wore was an older one, so some of the stench made its way in almost immediately, but I pressed on. We needed to check the ovaries and such. After about a half hour of exploration, the 3 other doctors and I caught a glimpse of something highly unorthodox in the deepest corner of the uterus. That’s when we knew…”

This has all the makings of a terrifying sequel to the smash hit movie The Abyss. Never before has the Observer heard such a shocking tale of discovery. This has to be an emotional time for Suleman, who is now rumored to be changing her nickname to Nonomom. We wish Nonomom all the best.

Red Bull® gives man wings; man sues

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West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:

“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”

Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.

Swiss woman attempts to live on sunlight; dies

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Switzerland (AP) – A Swiss newspaper is reporting that a woman who recently attempted a sort of “spiritual journey” that requires fasting both food AND water while only to live off the incredibly harmful rays of the sun, has died.

The woman, in her fifties at the time of her death, apparently got the idea from an Austrian documentary which detailed the life of an Indian guru. The guru claimed to have lived this way for upwards of 70 years. Hmmm… not providing the body actual nutrition & sustenance while forcing it to thrive off of the cancer-causing, skin-searing ultraviolet rays of an incredibly massive burning star is not what we’d call a “spiritual” journey. The sun feels great, but do you know what’s better? A drink of water after you’ve been thirsty for 3 days. It’s invigorating, let me tell you.

Let’s lament the untimely loss of a spiritual patriot and at the same time, look on the bright side: she’ll have a fantastic-looking tan at the funeral.

Zygi Wilf asks Viking fans to start thinking of new team name

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Minneapolis, MN – As the twilight years of yet another Minnesota sports team near their bittersweet end, the owner of the Minnesota Vikings is keeping the lines of communication with the fan base open. Knowing that a stadium deal will likely not get done, thus forcing the team out of town, Zygi Wilf is reaching out to fans to seek their opinion on where they’d like to see the team go and what to call it. In a statement on his website, Mr. Wilf had this to say:

Dear Minnesota sports fans,

It’s been a nice run, but as i’m sure most of you are aware, the Vikings of Minnesota are almost certainly on their way out of town. Lawmakers in the state are seemingly incapable of coming to an agreement on a multi-million dollar sports complex (which I am willing to help fund 🙂 so leave me out of this). This begs the question: What do you want to call your new team? Here are a few catchy names i’ve been batting around so far. Let me know your thoughts:

Los Angeles Blaze

Los Angeles Stardust

Los Angeles Mudslide

Or if we move to England:

London Crumpetmashers

London Fogs

Please leave all thoughts/votes in the comments section of the site. Keep your negative comments to yourself kthanksBAI.

Yours, 

Zygi

This is a sad time for Minnesota sports. Another team jumping ship for no reason other than politics. First the Lakers, then the North Stars and now our beloved Vikings. Hey, sports teams…

Y U NO STAY MINNE SOTA??????


Jason Voorhees taking this Friday the 13th off

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Camp Crystal Lake, America – The Observer has learned that in a shocking turn of events today, well-known blood fiend and murder artist Jason Voorhees has decided not to stalk & slash this Friday the 13th. This news comes as a relief to many, especially the occupants of Camp Crystal Lake. Campers have already begun rejoicing:

Freddy, 17-
“Wow! I can finally sex my girlfriend without fear that that ghoulish prick will collapse my tent and disembowel us!”

Amanda, 16-
“My friends and I are taking the pontoon out tonight since Jason is not going to cut us the fuck up.”

Todd, camp counselor-
“The wife is mega-pissed that I have to go open up Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. We usually take Friday the 13th weekends off to spend time with the family. I guess Jason is too busy to go on a killing spree. Now, the rest of us have to suffer.”

When asked about the decision to not slay this evening, Mr. Voorhees had this to say:

“[heavy breathing] [blank stare]”

We here at the Observer are glad to hear that one of history’s most notorious killers is willing to put away the machete and just chill for a night. Don’t be surprised if you see a towering figure wearing a beat-up goalie mask and tattered overalls serving soup to the needy at the Crystal Lake homeless shelter tonight.

North Dakota county hopes somebody will run for prosecutor

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERACavalier, ND – Pembina county is in need of a lead prosecuting attorney. Amidst political controversy that forced the last county prosecutor out of office, the position has been left vacant for the past couple months. This has county officials absolutely terrified that nobody will run for the primary election this June.

The deadline to file for election is fast approaching, and city officials are getting anxious. “We don’t suspect anyone in a 300 mile radius would be willing or sufficiently able to occupy the position of county prosecutor,” explained Cavalier mayor Burp McGwire. “There are no lawyers here. Only farmers and the occasional shop-keep. Also got a mechanic. We’re offering a generous compensation of 2 milk-cows, a steer, and a 3-acre pasture for the elected official. It’s the best we can do. Would anyone with an online law degree or a forged bar association certificate like to throw their straw hat in the ring??”

This would be a crippling blow to the Pembina county legal system if nobody is willing to run for this elected position. The county will be unable to prosecute wild wild west showdowns, buggy theft, barn trespassing and other such infringements.

Michael Jordan is the worst at something

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Greatness

Greatness

Charlotte, NC – Legendary NBA baller Michael Jordan is worldly renowned for being the best professional basketball player of all time. ON the court. These days, his Airness has been occupying the complete opposite end of the NBA spectrum. He’s a majority owner of the worst professional basketball team around. The Charlotte Bobcats of the NBA are so terrible, they’ve won only 7 out of 66 games this season making that a win percentage of .106!

It’s mostly due to the unparalleled will and desire of Jordan, who in a recent post-game interview broke it down for the Observer:

“I have been dominating the game of basketball ever since college. I have quieted every single one of my doubters and haters. Frankly, I’ve gotten complacent with success so this year I’ve made the decision to fail. Gonna try it out. I plan to prove the doubters right and silence everyone who thought I could do it, who thought I could helm a successful team OFF the court.”

Air Jordan can be seen sitting courtside during most of the team’s games, presumably to strike fear and intimidation into his own squad. His presence seems to have a negative impact on the team as the Bobcats simply refuse to win under His Greatness’s watchful eye. Air is dominating the game like he always has. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Pop singer Madonna extremely satisfied with penis arm implants

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madonnaarmsLos Angeles, CA – World-renowned pop music singer and diva Madonna was recently asked in an interview about the satisfaction and comfort of her penis arm implants:

“I absolutely love them. They fit me so well. They were donated from a pair of twin boys who sadly perished in a car accident a few years ago. When I heard about the accident, my first thought was ‘are their peepees ok?’

“Then, when the doctors gave me the go-ahead for surgery, I had to get a buy-off from the next of kin. I knew i’d have to purchase the fleshrods off of the boys’ dead bodies. The family was reluctant to donate their flaccid organs at first, but when they saw the cash I was willing to put up they said ‘The dongs are yours, take them!’ and i’m soooo glad I did!”

The Observer seems to think that the singer’s body is rejecting the surgically implanted male members. They look like they’re trying to escape. Come on, Madonna. Iggy Pop thinks that’s a tired look. This is just a thought, but maybe instead of faking it with wang-arms, Madonna could maybe lift some weights? Inject a little protein in the diet? I dunno. Maybe i’m old-fashioned. Maybe dong-insertion is the wave of the future.

Cone Monster signals Construction season has arrived in North Dakota

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Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.

This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.

The Cone Monster is coming to reap!

North Dakota Senators Tired of Being Overlooked

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Washington, DC – Muffled discussion can be heard from inside a capitol building janitorial closet by members of the senate as they stroll by. You see, this is where the North Dakota representatives of the United States Senate can be found conducting business. It’s funny to imagine, but not at all unusual. North Dakotans are quite used to being disregarded. It all began in many years ago when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed internal legislation to have the ND senators “moved to an off-site location” so that the senate could “find someplace to put all these goddamn empty boxes.” The ND senators were to conduct business from OUTSIDE the capitol! With pride in mind, senator Byron Dorgan fought back, earning a convenient spot in a hallway broom closet.

This state is growing very accustomed to being forgotten about. In the senate, it’s been going on for many years. Nowadays, the senators are lucky if their votes even count. Senator John Hoeven can usually be seen sprinting down the hallway, ballot in hand, desperately trying to get his vote handed in before voting cutoff. He remarks, “It’s fun! It adds excitement to the job. I just never know if i’ll get it there in time. I’m like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible LOL!” He seems to handle it well, but deep down, he’s frustrated. “Sometimes I really wish that things would go back to the way they were before. Give Kent Conrad his own broom closet again, for Christ’s sake.”