Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Hackers Change Pokemon Go Animals Into Satanic Demons

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Demons in your world.

Demons in your Pokeworld?

Fargo, ND – A small number of Android users have become affected by a nefarious hack into the newly-famous Pokemon Go mobile game interface. Certain pokehunters are now encountering demonic hellspawn where cute and adorable Pokemon once were.

Pokemon Go player Plis Kincannix, 15, says “I didn’t sign up to fight demons, but bro, these demons are totally lit. I can shoot pokeballs at ghouls instead of Pikachu until the bug is fixed.”

The hack purportedly affects versions of Android 4.0 and older, so if you’ve been hunting Pokemon with a sucky old suckity-suck phone you might be susceptible.

ISIS and John Mark Karr have both claimed responsibility for the hack.

Zombie Jimmy Hoffa Emerges From South Fargo Sinkhole

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hoffa

Cell phone photograph of Zombie Jimmy Hoffa inside the sinkhole!

Fargo, ND – After many years of wondering, pontificating and scouring its whereabouts, the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body has finally revealed itself. Shortly after a gaping sinkhole opened up on 9th avenue and 42nd Street south, the zombified body of the notedly-vanished former Teamster’s Union President slowly emerged.

Seen via cell phone footage: “No employer really accepts a union,” said Zombie Hoffa from inside what is and has apparently been his grave for over 40 years. “People have a right to a fair day’s wage for a fair day’s work.” 

Hoffa continued to blather on and on about unions and fairness until a conspicuously nearby Speaker Of The House Paul Ryan kicked him back into the hole.

It is believed that this F-M area “sinkhole” has been Hoffa’s government witness protection facility since his disappearance in 1975.

FM Observer Recruits Pizzaologist To Analyze Alleged New Pizza Corner Flavor

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Not the new logo.

Not a/the new logo.

Fargo, ND – As you are surely aware, Valley City’s own Pizza Corner pizza has been bought out by a Minnesota company named Bernatello’s. Much hubbub has been tossed about over the “new flavor” reveal. People are talking.

An example: “It smells like corporate influence. Like a suit and tie got caught in the packaging. It tastes shallow and pedantic, like a wealthy conglomerate,” states longtime Pizza Corner customer 2ddie Pophentopp via a Facebook post.

What we’ve gleaned from all this commotion is that there is a high probability of difference between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner, although who can be sure?

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

That is why the FM Observer has recruited noted Pizzaologist Caxton Nudewrath to settle the debate over whether or not the new entity is doing anything different to the famous ‘za.

Nudewrath’s credentials leave no question as to his qualification. “I come to you with a major in Oven Physics and a minor in Grease Tactics; and a Masters in AmerItalian Cuisine with a PhD in Pizzaology.”

His colleagues agree. Ertson McFluck, noted Pizzaologist with sub-studies in flatbread and pot pie, has traveled the world analyzing pizza with Nudewrath. “Caxton has tried every type of ‘za in every major city in America and even abroad during his 6-month stint in Sicily. He will dissect every delectable dissimilarity–however numerous–between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner. You can trust him as far as you can throw him.”

The summation of Nudewrath’s final analysis of Pizza Corner’s esteemed taco flavor variety:

“Initial comparison between pre-buyout and post-buyout Taco Pizza leaves me little to discuss. If you put a gun to my head and asked me to….well, actually, why would you threaten my life over pizza? Are you completely insane?? You’re the kind of person who should fail a background check. Anyway, the difference here is negligible and mostly indiscernible. They are compositionally, olfactarily and flavorously the same. Now if you’ll excuse me, i’m desperately needed at Pizza Palace headquarters in Veltchasm, Kentucky.”

 

FM Observer To Sponsor Park Wood Cemetery Renovation

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Humor in death

Strategic Brand Placement

Fargo, ND – The north wing of Park Wood Cemetery in Fargo has been in dire need of a facelift for quite some time. Tombs are moldy, crypts are dungy and the rats have colonized a functioning village. This has led the city to seek an overhaul of this historic burial site.

Today, via a no-so-generous grant made to the Graveyard Committee, we are proud to announce that many of this graveyard’s deceased will be eternally housed behind a new moniker!

strategic brand placement

Personalized tombstones! Choose from one of our many style types. We’ll come up with a catchy epitaph for your loved ones to chuckle at when they come to visit. “Yeah, that Gacky…life really did kill him to death, ha ha. It sure was nice of FM Observer to sponsor his burial. What a terrific satirical news agency they are, ya you betcha.”

Park Wood Cemetery (in association with the Death Task Force) has partnered with brand pioneers FM Observer® for a sponsored renovation agreement.

In exchange for our donation, Park Wood is allowing strategic brand placement in its north wing. After the renovation, you will see our brand and our slogan obscenely adorning gates and stone engravings because we, like many corporations, love to publish our brand in places where it really doesn’t need to be.

In accordance with this deal, FM Observer is allotted numerous personal Brand Actuality Agreements. You can have the FM Observer logo or slogan engraved onto your tombstone, crypt, headstone or mausoleum. And why stop there! We’d be glad to emboss your coffin with a glossy graphic or etch one of our catch phrases into your urn after cremation.

Email us at fmobserver@gmail.com for posthumous sponsorship arrangements.

West Fargo Lagoon Workers Tired Of Taking Crap From Everyone

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175

Pictured: An unintentionally hilarious sign at the waste stabilization pond

West Fargo, ND – Waste Stabilization Pond Foreman Chlaff Peenisackle has seen it all come through. Severed limbs, sea monkey colonies, the physical manifestation of shame from the night before. These are only a few of what atrocities find their way into West Fargo’s lagoon. But what Peenisackle dislikes the most is taking crap from the public.

“We’re all real sick of taking your crap,” says Peenisackle, probably in reference to all the complaints raised over the foul stench emanating from his lagoon. “All you people do is give us crap, man. We’re doing all we can here. You can flush all the drugs and muscle tendon you want down the toilet–I don’t care–but please, stop giving us so much crap (about the smell).”

On a windy day, you can really tell that there’s a lot of crap being put up with over there. A noxious odor wafts its way into your nose, and then the crap (likely referring to complaints) starts to roll in.

“All it takes is a little sun and some breeze, then here comes the crap,” says Waste Stabilization Specialist Doadie Humpsnift. 

Lagoon workers are imploring the fine folks of Fargo and points West: please stop giving them crap (presumably, about the odor).

Xcel Energy Announces Power Outage Compensation Plan

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2535894719_e2373a31de_b

I kill your power with glee and envy.

Fargo, ND – Faulty equipment. The ritualistic conjuring of ancient evils. Fallen tree branches. Squirrels and other burrowing rodents. Global warming. What do these things have in common? Yes, they’re all signs of the coming apocalypse. But also, they are reasons of blame for the local recurrence of Xcel Energy power outages.

Fargo-Moorhead area Xcel customers want to know: What is being done about all these lights quittin’ and whatnot? Will there be indemnity? Reimbursement?  People are sick of their homes turning into caves on a regular basis.

Enjoy the free power.

Whatever.

Finally, Xcel is providing answers. Here’s what’s being done about the repetitive circuit zapping: The energy provider is awarding a compensation package to customers affected by these outages.

If you’ve suffered a power outage during 2016, you will be provided a compensation package that includes a solar panel keychain and your very own frizzled tree squirrel carcass.

Your package will be mailed to the affected address, no questions asked.  

Xcel expects to ship a buttload of these during the weeks to come.

FM Observer Secures Naming Rights To Hazeltine National Golf Course Outhouses

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Waste where crap should be.

Chaska, MN—Brands®. You can’t escape them. Nowadays, it matters where your Brand™ is and how your Brand© looks. The more places your Brand° can exist, the better.

Almost every pro sport has caught on to this trend. Watch any ballgame these days and you’ll notice how brands have infiltrated almost every visual aspect. They’re on floors, jerseys, in the crowd, on the walls. Even the Green Monster at Fenway Park in Boston has fallen victim to them. Too bad. What is regarded as an iconic emblem of baseball’s storied history has been partially defaced by logos.

It’s go brand or go home these days, and we’ll be damned if we miss the boat on this one. That’s why our Agency Service Subcommittee of Homeland Advertising Techniques (ASSHAT) has been aggressively shopping our brand in places where no other satirical news agency would be foolish enough to advertise.

That said, we are proud to announce, in conjunction with the PGA Tour® and Port-A-Juan™, that our ASSHAT has successfully negotiated a very exclusive naming rights contract for this year’s 2016 Ryder Cup tournament! In a groundfracking 8-figure deal (move the decimal point a few spots to the left), FM Observer™ will have its logo plastered on every Port-A-Juan© outhouse on the Hazeltine front nine.

Patrons at Hazeltine the weekend of October 1st are going to reluctantly encounter the FMO brand prior to downloading. Our proud logo will adorn strategically-placed outhouses:

hazeltine

Relief at holes 1-9 brought to you by FM Observer®

In the competition of Brand® recognition, location is everything. We’re fixin’ to install our brand in the most awkward areas imaginable. We hope you get used to it.

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

The Northern To Begin Drug Testing Female Dancers

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The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Wanted: Elevated levels (of talent)

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s only gentlemen’s club is undergoing a drastic change in worker policy. Club Northern has vowed to begin drug testing female talent, but with a catch: To comply with this zany new policy, dancers must FAIL the test.

Newly-appointed club manager Lucian Dontabulo refused to comment. “No comment,” he said. He then went on to say “I don’t want my dancers coming in here clean. Every dancer I’ve ever managed has been on something. Dirty dancers print money. They make it rain like the Amazon, bro. Just sayin’ — don’t bring the juice unless it’s tainted.”

New hire eligibility is now contingent on a drug test containing greater than trace amounts of any narcotic.

Current dancers will be tested at random, once every month. Those who fail will be rewarded the usual stipend. Those who pass will be written up with a warning. Three consecutive warnings will get you 86’d.

This controversial new policy does not apply to amateur night contestants. Any random who’s brave enough to jump up there and swing on the pole is still welcome to try it.

The Northern does not enforce said testing policy nor does it employ the club manager referred to therein. This post is satire.

Area Mom Under Fire For Bizarre Home-Schooling Tactics

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Fargo, ND – Area mother Davia Flexano, a home-schooler, is catching a lot of flack for teaching her son Whick a slanted view of world geography. Flexano, who chose to remain nameless, is having her son learn the states from this flipped-around view of North America:

 

What the hell?

Wrong? Or just…different?

 

WTF, right? Is this really how we want an area youth to view our country? With Mexico on top??

Flexano sees things differently. “North is still north; south is south. If I send little Whicker outside to fetch the paper, does he HAVE to walk backwards? No he does not. And when you drive to Wahpeton you don’t drive backwards, now do you? I’m simply teaching the Whickster that not all things he’s shown are how they truly are.”

Others tend to disagree. Flexano neighbor Ænas Gulpmurk has a differing worldview. “Davia need to flip them maps back. America be lookin’ like a unicorn warthog. Poor Whick gonna be drivin’ backwards ‘n on the wrong side of the street ‘n whatnot. He gonna sleep on the ceiling. Gonna be all jacked up.”

What are your thoughts? Should home-schooled children be taught a curriculum that exactly matches that of public schools? Or should parental teachers feel free to immerse their children in topsy-turvy nonconformism?

 

The FM Observer Is Shutting Down. For Good.

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tombstone

Bye. Sayonara. Bon voyage. Arrivederci. Honolulu. Outie. Chow.

Fargo, ND—With a little over four years of incredibly touching amateur satire under its belt, Fargo-Moorhead’s only fake news agency is calling it quits. The FM Observer is shutting down permanently, as of this evening.

What once was a vessel for completely made-up, imaginative, sometimes thought-provoking, Absurdly Observative™ fake news articles is becoming a thing of the past. In a statement released this morning, FMO Staff bid the internet a fond farewell:

“Over the years we’ve gleefully provided the worldwide web with our own personal dose of imaginative fairy-tale news coverage. The fact that we’re fresh out of ideas coupled with an expired internet domain registry was a sign from Above that now would be the best time to pull the plug. What a ride it’s been! We couldn’t be happier with how it all turned out. Well……actually, that’s not true.  We could’ve written better articles.”

Observer staff members will soon be released back into the wild, free again to roam the forests, screaming at squirrels and conjuring Dark Spirits.

The FM Observer would like to thank our sponsors, of which there are none.

Thanks for reading! This website will self-destruct at 23:59 CST. [end]