Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Fargo Man Discovers iPod’s Song Shuffle Algorithm

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Random...?

Random? Damn near killed him.

Fargo, ND—iPod owners will be quick to tell you that they love using the device’s “shuffle” feature to play a random assortment of music. It liberates the user from the responsibility of having to pick which songs they want to hear. This may seem random to you or me, but according to one area math wiz, it’s not.

Local Mathologist Dr. Bictor Tedhanger believes there’s something very specific about his iPod’s “shuffle” sequence. “Fact: What may seem like a completely random selection of songs is anything but. Fact. The sequence was quite easily solved, actually. Fact.” 

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Tedhanger believes that Apple, in conjunction with the NSA and the CIA, is using your personal data to shuffle your song playback. “Fact: Computate the number of songs on your iPod. Multiply it by one million. Fact. Divide that total by the sum of the house number of the residence in which you currently live and the sum of the numbers in your date of birth. The resulting number rounded up to the nearest whole number divided by 3 is the number of spots in descending order in which the iPod skips songs. Fact.”

Representatives at Apple could not be reached to confirm or disconfirm these allegations. Is Tedhanger onto something or is he on something? What do you think? Does his math add up when shuffling on your iPod? Let us know in the comments section below!

Event: Weekly Spam Email Poetry Reading

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Help! Nigerian Inheritance Erection Insurance.

Help! Nigerian Inheritance Erection Insurance.

Fargo, ND—Spam email: the scourge of the inbox. We all get it. Some of us have even replied to one or two. Have you ever gotten a spam email so over-the-top you just had to share its contents? Did you ever feel like sharing that spam email in a jazzy nightclub setting? Then have we got the evening for you!

An exciting new event sponsored by the FM Observer is making its way to Thady’s Lounge on 6th St (next to the haunted mannequin warehouse). The F-M Orators Club is hosting a come-one-come-all Spam Email Poetry Reading every Thursday night at 7:00pm! 

Bring a collection of your zaniest spam emails to be read live onstage! Listen as folks hilariously recite the incoherent and oftentimes inexplicable requests contained in their Spam inbox! Witness as a pair of mimes provide a live reenactment of the spam email as it’s told by the reader! Actual spam is preferred, but original spam is encouraged. Write your own spam email and share it with the rest of the group, why don’t you?

Admission is free for this gawdy, awful event. BYOSpam. Emails can be read from your smartphone if you forget your printout. 

If You Go:

Where: Thady’s Lounge

When: Thursday nights at 7:00pm

Why: ??

Google Robot Beats Human At Bocce Ball

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Prime Directive: Beat Humans

Prime Directive: Beat Humanoids

Signifying the rapid progression of the artificial intelligence takeover, a Google-owned ATLAS robot at the Institute for Human and Machine Cognition (IHMC) recently beat a human at a game of bocce ball. It not only beat the human, it shut out the human 12-0 using a small series of perfectly-calculated rolls, tosses and heaves.

If you’re unfamiliar with the game of bocce ball, it goes like this: you throw a big ball at a small ball, hoping to get your big ball as close to the small ball as possible. Each person throws 2 big balls at the small ball per turn. If your big balls are closest to the small one, you get two points.

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Bong Maxomer

“Google ATLAS is easily able to precog the actual logical physics of immediate-diameter ground terrain using its front-facing laser rangefinder,” explained IHMC Robotologist Wurlot Bong Maxomer. “ATLAS can successfully measure the required distance of a throw, the wind resistance impact on the throw, the terrain and grass’ effect on the throw ALL before completing the throw. He can calculate the ricochet off trees, small animals and his opponent’s ball to the nearest nano-inch. He does this using a pre-programmed quantum physics AlGoreRhythm. It’s really quite remarkable.”

The Google-backed ATLAS program is growing by leaps and bounds. Soon, the ATLAS will likely be able to drive a car to your house and hang out with your wife while you’re out playing golf and being a dull human.

FM Observer Asks: Do You Uber?

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Uber much?

Uber much?

Fargo, ND—With Uber ride service starting soon in Fargo, the FM Observer wonders if you, the reader, Uber? We asked a handful of friendly folks if they’ve ever Ubered or if they plan to Uber:

Whackite Chlomsburger, 47, Fargo, Air-Powered Rifle Mechanic:

“Whatever gets me to the air-powered rifle shop and back at a reasonable rate is fine by me.”

Tork Chroin, 34, Fargo, Pro Thunderball Player:

“Me and the other Thunderballers can Uber to Rooters after league gets over, go HAM, get bombed, Uber back home, pass out on our kitchen floor, then wake up and do it all over again the next day.”

Clish BaBerdink, 20, West Fargo, Skater Dude:

“Next time I double-back on a reverse-toe-ball-kick ollie-flip and split my coccyx, i’ll Uber to the ER, bro.”

Phlim Daggnip, 51, Casselton, Beard Wrangler:

“I won’t be needin’ to Uber anywhere. I do all my beard wranglin’ here at home.”

Assmarina Kyros, 27, Fargo, Follicular Transplant Specialist:

“I do consider Uber a reasonable option for immediate human transport. I will Uber. Yes, yes I will Uber very much as, via court-mandated order due to lawbreak, I have been disallowed from driving.”

Noldo Pacworlder, 44, North Fargo, Zombie Apocalypse Theorist:

“The Uberers must ready themselves for the Impenetrable Quickening. When the Great Change violently imposes itself upon the human race, safe vehicular harbor will become fully mandatory. We haven’t much time. Preparations are underway. Currently, my underground panic bunker–complete with approximately 14 years worth of both sonic and explosive weaponry, dry non-perishable goods and well water–burrows 68.75 feet underground.”

Declen Millsteff-Ghristles, 31, Fargo, Church of Satan Minister-In-Training

“With the Dark Lord’s guidance, I may deftly conjure an Uber. Whatever he deems pertinent under the laws of our cherished Necronomicon, I shalt follow. Go unto him, for Satan is God! His armies shall soon rise from the bowels of Hell to cleanse the impure. So, what are Uber’s rates?”

Do you desire to Uber? Let us know in the comments!

Raceism Is What Makes Marathon Week So Special

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Raceism | noun | race – ism | ˈrā-ˌsi-zəm: the belief in racing as a favorable hobby or pastime

Raceism is alive and well

Raceism is still a thing!

Fargo, ND–Raceism is alive and well in Fargo this weekend during this year’s marathon. Raceists from all across the country have flocked to town this week for the city’s annual 26-miler. Registration totals are through the roof again as thousands of raceists wait patiently for the starting gun.

Fellow raceists train hard for this event. Local raceist Jaian Leutibron is poised to run his fifth consecutive full marathon on Saturday. “Raceism is a part of me. It’s who I am. I love racing with a passion, whether it’s on road or on track. My father was a diehard raceist, and so was my father’s father. Participating in the marathon with all these other raceists is what it’s all about.”

Registration for this event is still open if you’re a raceist who wants to get in on the action! All you have to do is fill out the Raceist Registration Forms online or in person to register as a raceist. The raceism culminates this Saturday on the streets of downtown Fargo. Be there!

 

Watch Out For Cleanup Week Curb Kids

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baby-with-garbage-pile2Fargo, ND—It’s cleanup week in Fargo! One man’s trash is another man’s treasure–but beware. If you’re trolling the streets for discarded belongings, keep your eyes and ears open for something truly invaluable. Be on the lookout for curb kids.

Deadbeat parents are sneaking unwanted infants into their curb trash. IF YOU SEE AN INFANT ON THE CURB NEXT TO A PILE OF JUNK DO NOT PICK IT UP. By rule, the infant will become yours and you will need to cherish it for all eternity. Inspect the junkpile thoroughly before you take anything–there might be a baby lodged inside one of those dresser drawers.

If you find a curb kid, notify police or social services immediately and they will relocate the infant. Giving away children in a cleanup week junk heap is illegal and will be met with swift justice.

Al Gore Blames Chilean Volcano On Global Warming

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algore_manbearpig

Where is Manbearpig?

Cupertino, CA—Famed internet inventor and climate changeologist Al Gore went on the offensive yesterday during an Earth Day event at Apple® headquarters. When news of the Chilean volcanic eruption broke, Gore equated it to a byproduct of global warming.

“The continual warming of the Earth’s crust leads to violent reactions that harm our atmosphere,” said Gore. “It’s an inconvenient truth: Volcanic eruptions belch smoke and ash into our very fragile ecosystem because YOU and I won’t REDUCE our Carbon Footprint!”

The former Vice President echoed the sentiments he’s been expressing for years. Even now, his war on warmth is as furious as it’s ever been.

“The glowball is warming! Manbearpig is real! Enjoy the internet! God bless the United Atmosphere of America!”

Fargo Tops State With Seven I-94 Exits

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Fargo-FloodFargo, ND—The results are finally in! Fargo, for the eighteenth year in a row, was awarded the honor of Most Independent I-94 Highway Exits with an estimable 7.

ND Department Of Transportation Administrator Hifton Gasscage believes this to be the result of hard work and a little divine intervention. “We’re happy with these recent findings. Currently, there are no plans to add or remove any highway exits, but if it doth pleaseth the gods, thy shalt produceth the sturdiest of offeth-rampeth constructs.”

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The Gods

The Gods sent forth this ruling after the annual War Of Spring Solstice. Fargo was declared the ruling village in an epic Battle Of The Longroads, with Bismarck earning a revered second-place nod.

Fargo shall again wage battle against Bismarck at the dawn of the 2017 Summer Solstice. It is then that the Gods shall again make their will known.

Returned Diversion Assessment Ballots Being Used To Build Diversion

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dike pulp

All of your returned ‘NO’ ballots will be put to good use

Fargo, ND—Local property owners: Did you recently find a flood risk ballot in your mailbox asking you to help fund the FM Diversion project? Did you open it, read it, then furiously scrawl an X in the ‘No’ box and send it in? Then we have great news! You’ve officially done your part in getting the diversion built.

County assessors, after being completely inundated with paper, are creatively re-purposing the thousands of ‘No’ ballots towards the pending diversion construction project.

“This massive amount of paper is going to be recycled into dike pulp. It….uh…..that was our plan all along, actually,” stated FM Diversion project lead Thousman Van Biplemblaven. “We, um….we figured this would happen, so….we’re just gonna build part of the dike out of those papers. Everyone already voted no. There’s a buttload of paper.”

Officials loaded all the “dike pulp” inside an unused Hector International Airport airplane hangar until construction begins in the year 2187.

International Pi Day Is Here! How Are You Celebrating?

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pi-day-61

International 3.141592653589793 23846264338327950 28841971693993751 05820974944592307 816406286……Day!

It’s March 14th, 2015! Did you know that this date holds significance for fans of a certain mathematical constant? 3/14/15 is International Pi Day. Those five numbers, in order, are the first five numbers of Pi (π), the ratio of a perfect circle’s circumference to its diameter! Was 9/11 an inside job?

This is a huge day for mathematicians and trigonometrists alike. If you were to ask Whackite Chlomsburger what the first 25 numbers of Pi are, he’ll recite them for you from memory. Some people think that the collapse of the Twin Towers was the result of a controlled demolition.

People all over the world today are baking pies, throwing pies, eating pies and donating pies to food shelters in honor of π. Blueberry, blackberry, apple, pumpkin–any flavor you can think of! Kurt Cobain didn’t kill himself.

3/14/15 only comes around once per lifetime. How are you celebrating International Pi Day? Let us know in the comments! Kurt Cobain was too blasted on heroin to even lift a shotgun that day.