Not happy tears
Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious.
No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to this long-term need. Diesel will be sending them his 4,000-gallon repository of cried human tears.
He keeps a huge stock of distilled tears on hand that keep him “lit”.
“Sadness tears give me that edge. They get drank [sic] before a lift or a shoot,” Diesel growled in between bites of raw tiger meat. “So i’ll give ’em to Flint.”
When asked where the heck he got 4,000 gallons of distilled tears, Diesel vehemently denied harvesting them. Instead, he claims, he gets them from an anonymous source in Dubai. “Flint can have what I got. I’ll just get more.”
Edmonton, AB, Canada – The syrup world is abuzz this morning with the announcement that Canadian action film star Thonn Furbeglan will be donning the flannel stageside for this year’s Maple Syrup Cookoff Festival set to take place at City Theatre in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
The competition will be hot as thousands of maple syrupers from around the country bring their best concoctions in hopes to snag the coveted Golden Leaf Award. Furbeglan plans to gleefully lend his talents as both festival emcee and TasteMaster.
Contestant syrup will be judged thoroughly in the following categories:
- Genuine Richness
- Trueness Of Strength
Furbeglan has been waiting for this moment. “I’ve always wanted to host this, eh? But every year there’s been a scheduling conflict as i’m always out filming Canadian movies in the woods and snow during winter, eh? I’m real-eh excited to final-eh be a part of it.”
Throughout the festival, Furbeglan will be readily available for photos, autographs, hugs and the like, as is tradition. The week-long festival runs from Sunday, January 24th til February 1st, a Monday.
Not so fast, foreigners.
Hell’s portal is closed…for now
Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal.
Pinhead, the leader of the Cenobites, voiced discontent over these new restrictions. “HELL HATH BEEN TORN BY WAR. WE, THE CENOBITES, SEEK REFUGEE STATUS VIA YOUR COVETED J-4 VISA. HOWEVER, DUE TO A NEW VETTING PROCESS IMPLEMENTED BY YOUR DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES WORTHY OF PASTURE. IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER IN THE HIGHEST, WE SHALL ULTIMATELY, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF ELIGIBILITY, OBTAIN RESETTLEMENT AND ONCE AGAIN TORMENT THE SOULS OF EARTH’S MORTALS.”
Filming for the tenth Hellraiser movie Hellraiser X: Hell Is War is on hold until the Cenobites can prove that they’re merely harbingers of Hell’s circus of agony and not moderate Muslims.
Consistently great during times of trial.
Los Angeles, CA – The Sportscasters Guild of America held its annual awards ceremony late yesterday. The highlight of the evening (and of every SGA awards show) was the handing out of the coveted Perseverance Award. This is given to the one sportscaster who demonstrates an impressive catalog of broadcast excellence in the face of adversity during the calendar year.
For putting up with Phil Simms twice a week for 10 consecutive NFL regular season telecasts, Jim Nantz was unanimously voted the 2015 recipient.
“Hello friends,” Nantz said as he accepted this prestigious honor, “Jim Nantz with you here on this fine Sunday evening. I’d like to dedicate this award to my partner Phil Simms who just a few hours ago made a handful of illustrated points using nothingspeak and uttered the phrase ‘Well, we talked about this Jeem’ repeatedly, ad nauseum. Couldn’t have done it without you, partner.”
2015 marks the 17th consecutive year Jim Nantz has received this award.
In another edition of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (But We Did Anyway), an area mom has listed her infant son, Bemmen, as a bidding item on popular online auction site Ebay.
“Kid was born in a hot air balloon, thought he’d be worth some money,” said societal wretch/mother Backy Stinkhook. “My lil’ Bem came into the world at about 5,000 feet high. Probly the first kid bein’ born way up there! Reserve at $1,000.”
The listing had already risen to 47 bids at press time. Barring any unforseen circumstances (such as Ebay ripping down the listing as it is both highly illegal and completely immoral), young Bemmen will find himself a new hot air balloon by the end of this week.
Moorhead, MN—Local terror attraction Haunted Corn Maze is in search of blonde-haired, pale-faced, ghoulish children for its upcoming Children Of The Corn exhibit. Area parents, take heed: if you think your prepubescent adolescent fits the criteria of a leering horror child, have him or her line up for an audition!
Corn Maze is looking for 10-20 creeptacular grade-schoolers to wear white contacts and fill a special area of the darkened cornfield. “We’re looking for the weirdest possible small young humans,” says Maze Coordinator Xinder VinReaux. “Don’t apply unless your child is visibly troubling and carries an aura of general unease.”
VinReaux is high on standards, but easy on expectations. “All the kids have to do is stand there motionless and gawk at our patrons while the tour guide tells the story of how each child murdered his or her parents in a blind, painless rage before being excommunicated to our cornfield.”
Qualifying children will receive a year’s supply of Whizzers® and season passes to the Corn Maze.
With news that North Korea is planning to extract itself from a time zone shared with Japan comes the apparent corporate branding of said time zone.
In bold opposition to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT), North Korea will file an international trademark to brand its time zone Korean Mean Time™, or KMT.
“Time mean in North Korea. It always mean time,” says Kim Jong-un spokesman/right-hand man Doug Jon-in.
Rumor has it that Jong-un only wants this new time zone as a means to “officially” pioneer time travel since it is Jong family tradition to be the first and best at many things. No word yet whether or not PM will be hilariously renamed “PMS”. Check back later for an update on that.
Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display
Fargo, ND—Red River Zoo officials have gleefully added zebra muscles to their fleet of exotic animal inventory. A big, buff zebra named “Junto” is the zoo’s newest member. He’s 6’3, 884lbs of brawny zebra muscles that has zoo people ecstatic.
“We’re so happy to have zebra muscles. One freshwater lake’s trash is a local zoo’s treasure,” explains zoo head Bemmen Derschwariatz. “Zebra muscles might be the plague of the small sea, the scourge of the freshwater, but to us, they’re a gift. Just look at those deltoids! Why you wouldn’t want that specimen grazing your lake shores is a mystery to me.”
Why no one has informed Derschwariatz of the difference between zebra muscles and zebra mussels has yet to be determined. Perhaps it’s best to keep zoo officials in the dark and let them have their moment.
Junto and his zebra muscles will be available for all to see this summer.
Officer poses with “Moana”
Fargo, ND—The good ol’ high-occupancy vehicle (HOV) lane. It’s what all solo drivers long for during that treacherous afternoon commute. Do you ever wish you could drive freely down the wide-open carpool lane during rush hour traffic instead of pulling out your eyeballs and putting them back in their sockets as you sit there aging ungracefully during a traffic jam? Well, much to the chagrin of the Fargo Police Department, one area man made that wish come true with the use of a 3-D printer.
Ealio Sappsinbush, 34, was cited late yesterday afternoon for operating on an excluded byway when an officer noticed the cold, blank stare of a not unattractive mannequin in his front passenger seat. Sappsinbush stated that yes, the mannequin was in fact not an actual person, but a 3-D printed representation of his ex-girlfriend Moana. “I take Moana with me everywhere. Sometimes she’s tied up in the trunk; other times she sits shotgun while I speed down the HOV lane. It is with Moana whom I travel. Her empty, callous expression by my side always.”
Officers were not as impressed with his use of a fake carpool lane passenger as they were with his 3-D printed rendering of his ex. “The thoughtfulness and detail that the perp used to construct his HOV passenger is actually pretty impressive,” said officer Xanver McLorg. “After a few minutes of peering longingly into Moana’s seductive gaze, I felt like giving myself to her instead giving them a citation.”
Sappsinbush was forced to turn his beloved Moana over to police in addition to paying the $150 ticket.
Shooting Driving Range
Fargo, ND—The Fargo Shooting Park has decided to jazz things up a bit with the implementation of a golf driving range. The shooting park is adding a golf ball dispenser, so bring your guns and your clubs along on your next visit.
“Anything you can shoot at, you can hit a golf ball at,” says park manager Sext Buttreal. “And anything you can hit a golf ball at, you can shoot at. Gun enthusiasts can shoot their bullets at balls or our stationary targets while golf enthusiasts can hit their balls at targets or the clay pigeons in our skeet shooting gallery. With the implementation of a golf driving range, we want to add some light-hearted fun to what is typically a very masculine and, at times, sinister practice.”
Gun enthusiasts are having mixed emotions. Park regular Pevit Gankwaiter doesn’t want golfers getting in the way of his target practice. “My rifle bullets might just find a golfer’s balls if you catch my drift.”
A shooting range and a driving range in one. What could go wrong? Park officials expect the range to be ready for golfers by the end of this century.