Many Lutheran church sanctuaries will soon be filling up with birds.
Dulutheran, MN – The Angelical Lutheran Church Of America (ALCOA) announced that it will become the denomination that opens its sanctuary doors up to any and all types of birds.
Ms. Rose Grosbeak is the spokeswoman for ALCOA: “Each church sanctuary will be opened up as a safe-haven bird sanctuary for migrating birds who perhaps need temporary or permanent shelter.”
Ms. Grosbeak explains that architecturally, most Lutheran church sanctuaries have a lot of interior height which will help provide the birds ample room to fly around in, while using the offering plates up on the main alters as feeding stations.
Various Lutheran member groups will be making bird nests along with cute little painted bird houses for the many different types of birds that are expected to take advantage of the new Lutheran bird sanctuary pronouncement.
Large banks of speakers blasting Michael Bolton songs to be used to minimize illegal immigration.
Rio Grande, TX – Border patrol enforcement officers will soon be using an effective new weapon in their fight against illegal immigration across the southern border of the United States.
Very loud Michael Bolton songs have proven quite successful in preventing lab animals from climbing over fences and walls.
U.S. Border Agents believe this new strategery will work well in preventing thousands of undocumented Democrats from entering our country illegally.
The following list of Michael Bolton songs will be played loudly from large banks of speakers all along the southern border since they have shown to be especially effective at driving people away:
◘ When A Man Loves A Woman
◘ If You Don’t Know Me By Now
◘ How Am I Supposed To Live Without You
◘ Said I Loved You But I Lied
◘ How Can We Be Lovers
◘ Can I Touch You There?
◘ Sexual Healing
◘ I’ll Never Love This Way Again
◘ Ain’t Got Nothing If You Ain’t Got Love
◘ I’m Your Puppet
Willa the Caravan make it to the USA despite President Trump’s pair of hurricanes?
Mexico City – As part of Project Dissuasion, President Trump ordered up two hurricanes in an effort to prevent The Caravan from reaching the United States.
Working in close conjunction with the National Hurricane Center, President Trump requested that two new hurricanes be created to hit Mexico as a “welcome present“ to those who would attempt to enter the U.S. illegally.
Algore OKed the request saying that he and President Trump made the deal involving a large purchase of Algore’s Climate Change Carbon Credits in exchange for the hurricanes.
Currently (and by design), both Hurricane Willa and Hurricane Vicente are on track to directly hit The Caravan before it reaches America.
President Trump while playing golf:“If they decide to enter our country legally, instead of illegally, then we’ll cancel the two hurricanes, but for now we’ll just wait and see what happens.“
Brownsville, TX – The Fox Channel believes it has a new hit game show called “Find Your Parents”.
Immigrant children who have recently been separated from their parent(s) while illegally crossing the southern U.S. border will have a chance to be reunited with their families in a fun game show setting.
The inimitable Roseanne Barr has agreed to host the show on Fox after her previous show on ABC got cancelled in the wake of her alleged rant of racist tweets on Twitter.
Roseanne: “Yeah, not only will I have a job again, but I can also help these little niños from Mexico find their mommies and daddies now that President Trump has allowed these families to get back together. So, this is going to be really great!”
Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal.
Pinhead, the leader of the Cenobites, voiced discontent over these new restrictions. “HELL HATH BEEN TORN BY WAR. WE, THE CENOBITES, SEEK REFUGEE STATUS VIA YOUR COVETED J-4 VISA. HOWEVER, DUE TO A NEW VETTING PROCESS IMPLEMENTED BY YOUR DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES WORTHY OF PASTURE. IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER IN THE HIGHEST, WE SHALL ULTIMATELY, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF ELIGIBILITY, OBTAIN RESETTLEMENT AND ONCE AGAIN TORMENT THE SOULS OF EARTH’S MORTALS.”
Filming for the tenth Hellraiser movie Hellraiser X: Hell Is War is on hold until the Cenobites can prove that they’re merely harbingers of Hell’s circus of agony and not moderate Muslims.