Category Archives: Celebrity

Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets

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Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

The one and only Donatella Versace

Hollywood, CA – The FM Observer’s Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, caught up with the most beautiful Donatella Versace for a fun and informative interview. Enjoy!

Tojo Saxton: Thanks for getting together! How have you been?

Donatella Versace: Oh, me be so busy…sooo busy!

TS: Oh? What have you been so busy doing, Donatella? Wanna tell us?

DV: Yes! Me be working on new line of beauty products that make people look reeeal nice, you know?

TS: Well, honey, you should know! Many consider you to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth. In fact, some think you’re so hot that you’re the cause of Global Warming!

DV: Oh, no. But you sooo nice. Thank you. (chuckle chuckle)

TS: Do you have any beauty tips that you would care to share with all ten of the people who will read this wonderful interview?

DV: Well, plenty of sleep is very important, especially if you tired. Me eat lots of Outshine Fruit Bars and only drink Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Ciders.

TS: All of a sudden, I feel like we’re in the movie The Truman Show.

DV: Oh, no, me don’t know about that.

TS: So, Donatella Versace, my readers will never forgive me if I don’t ask you this one question: Have you ever had any work done by any plastic surgeons?

DV: No. Nothing ever done by any plastic sturgeons, but me has gone to see my beauty doctors.

TS: And would you say that your “beauty doctors” have helped you become as beautiful as you are today?

DV: Oh, yes! Me used to not be so beautiful and they tell Donatella they can make me look sooo much more beautiful.

TS: Well, it certainly has paid off for you. And hopefully this interview with the one and only Donatella Versace will pay off for me. Thank you sooo much for sitting down face-to-face to answer a few questions.

DV: Oh, this is not a problem. Donatella love sharing her beauty tips for your website. What is your website again?

TS: I write for the FM Observer.

DV: Oh, no, Donatella never heard of that one.

Read Tojo Saxton’s hard-hitting interview with Tom Cruise about Scientology being a hoax!

Billy Bob Thornton Buys Haunted House Near Fargo, ND

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Billy Bob has found his new haunt.

Billy Bob finds a new haunt.

Moorhead, MN – Billy Bob Thornton said it was “destiny” when he came across an article describing a haunted house for sale in Moorhead, MN, located just across the river from Fargo, ND. The star, whose affinity for the macabre is well known, was quoted exclaiming, “Sheeet yeah, that place is straight-up Billy Bobscene, y’all.” He then proceeded to grab his pet Python, Fang, along with a bottle of whiskey and jump into his helicopter which whirred off into the night.

Apparently, Billy Bob has been looking for a unique home in the Red River Valley for months. After clinching the lead in FX’s upcoming series, Fargo, the actor began searching for what he called, “A place to dig in and develop my character’s roots. Plus, I gotta get that accent down, you know? I’m all southern-trailer-park-redneck and my character is northwoods-ax-murdery-dude. Hell’s bells.”

Moorhead locals near the notoriously wicked haunted house have mixed feelings about their quirky new neighbor. Area resident, Patty Berger said, “Well, when you’ve been living next door to Satan’s sanctuary, it’s hard to see how things could get much worse. Still, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? I guess all we can do is hope for the best. Some Hollywood kook who’d wear blood around his neck might be just creepy enough to scare out those damned demons. God help us if he can’t do it.”

Billy Bob's House

Haunted house

Reps for Mr. Thornton would not confirm the actor’s current whereabouts, but sightings have been reported in and around Fargo-Moorhead for weeks. When asked if she had ever actually seen Billy Bob, Patty Berger looked up at the sky quizzically. “You know, come to think of it, I might have. I saw a strange man on the sidewalk a few days ago with a snake over one shoulder. He was a little guy…kinda funny looking.”

Is it solid proof that the celebrity has taken up residence in his new haunt? Probably not. Are folks up here prrrrreetttty sure that Billy Bob’s “In Da House”? Oh, you betcha.

Rapper DMX Absolutely Destroys George Zimmerman In Celebrity Boxing Match

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DMX_GeorgeTampa, FL—In what was billed as a payback matchup for the ages, rap artist Earl Simmons (better known as DMX) went toe-to-toe in the squared circle with murderer George “The Hitman” Zimmerman.

DMX came in at about 165 lbs soaking wet while Hitman came in at a blubbery, shit-eating 233 lbs. This did not bode well for the Hitman as he looked sluggish and afraid–as if someone had stolen his gun. DMX immediately took control with a flurry of “bark! bark!” noises and heavy jab-hook combinations.

The teen killer looked altogether shocked by DMX’s wild array of punches and barks. He took a defensive stance, covering his beady little eyes with his boy-killing fists but it was too late. DMX unloaded on him with the power of a thousand gunned-down neighborhood kids and it was over just about as soon as it started. The referee called a stoppage to the fight at the 31 second mark. DMX by TKO.

During the post-fight interview, DMX explained his strategy:

“I told y’all I was gonna beat the f— outta that punk. He think he hard now? ARF ARF Ruff Ryders! Ride or die!!”

This marks the very first time Zimmerman faced any real physical consequence for the murder of Trayvon Martin. It also goes to show, if you put a pansy in the ring with DMX, there’s going to be an ass-kicking.

Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges

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xx

Justin Beaver blames alcohol and an inner psychotic demon on all of his troubles.

Beaver Hills, CA – To the charges of driving his Lamborghini under the influence of alcohol, Justin Beaver pleaded Drunk to all of the charges.

While in court, the Beav explained to the judge in the case that it was not his fault for high-speed drag racing with the cops who were trying to arrest him. J.B. blamed alcohol for impairing his better judgment.

His team of attorneys is planning on filing a large lawsuit against the Jim Beam company for making their young and innocent client so damn drunk.

Once out of court, Mr. Beaver blamed the law enforcement officers on his troubles with the law. “If they would just stop following me around, trying to get an autograph for their wives, maybe I could have a little fun, and actually try to get something done around here, d’ya know what I’m saying?”, he ranted.

Justin’s psycho-therapist blames the troubles on a nasty internal demon for all of the acting out and the blaming of others.

Dr. Sheila Bunz believes that “a priest may be needed to exorcise this psycho-demon from the man-boy’s soul.”

To this, Justin Beaver snapped back: “Hey, I love to exercise! Just let me have a few drinks, before I start to get all pumped up, d’ya know what I’m saying? Yeah, like gimmy a frickin’ drink, or you’re frickin’ fired, bitch!”

Weirdos Believe Secret Underground Community Exists Beneath Hollywood Hills

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What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

Hollywood, CA—Several mentally-troubled outsiders believe there exists a secret underground celebrity community beneath the rolling hills of Hollywood, California. Locals are skeptical, but crazies are convinced that there’s stuff going on underneath the Earth, beneath the HOLLYWOOD sign.

zion

Zion

Conspiracy theorists have presented non-factual evidence of secret activities occurring beneath the Hills. “25 million people living in LA and absolutely nothing going on beneath the Earth’s crust? I don’t think so, Tim,” proclaimed veteran conspiracy theorist Kenneth Noisewater. “Look beneath the Hills, not with your eyes, but with your instincts…you will see an enchanted, subterranean village full of Beautiful People. Backstage at the Hollywood Bowl is one entrance. Jack Nicholson’s backyard, there is another.”

Nobody truly knows what’s going on under there, but weirdos are convinced that it’s absolutely not nothing. Geologists, on the other hand, refute these claims with scientific evidence that if such an underground community did exist, it wouldn’t for long because the weight of the Earth above would collapse it into itself like an incredibly massive sinkhole.

Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children

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Don't piss me off or you ain't getting a damn thing!

Don’t piss me off or you ain’t getting a damn thing!

The North Pole – Fargo was recently in the national news for a lady’s obesity letter being given out to fat trick-or-treaters. Now, children in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are being targeted once again.

Santa Claus and his wife will soon be sending out warning letters to any kids who have become too materialistic.

Santa used to only need one toy per child for Christmas. That number has climbed to ten or more in recent years, making Santa and his team quite pissed off.

The FM Observer somehow got to preview one of these warning letters from Santa:

 

Dear ______:

Hello from the real Santa!

Mrs. Claus and I have noticed that in the last few years, you have become way too focused on getting lots of fancy toys for Christmas. Instead of celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus, you only care about getting more crap than you did last year, and more than all your friends. If you don’t quickly start showing a big change of attitude in the next few weeks, you might just get a big donut for Christmas (as in, what’s one minus one?).

You better start showing some more respect to your parent(s) and teachers, and begin caring a little more about others, instead of thinking that you’re the boss. Continuing down the path of materialism will only lead to having misplaced values, becoming a hoarder of junk, and massive credit card debt which will crush you into bankruptcy.

It is up to you if I say Ho-Ho-Ho at your house this year, or if I have to say No-No-No!

In summary, get your fricking act together soon or you can expect less than nothing for Christmas. In fact, I might even sneak into your room and take back some of the presents I brought you last year.

Sincerely,
Angry Santa

Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien

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Foster admits to being part alien

Jodie Foster is part alien

Hollywood, CA – Blond bombshell and award winning actress Jodie Foster has dropped a huge bomb on the Hollywood community.

Ms. Foster recently tweeted that she is now openly admitting that she is “part alien”.

Ever since her starring role in the movie “Contact”, some close friends have suspected something unusual about their “friend”.

The fact that she never ate in public, and all those intermittent strange noises emanating from her forehead were among early clues, they say.

Now that Ms. Foster has come out of the closet, she might actually help others do the same.

She went on to tweet: “Now that I am sharing my secret, perhaps others who are part or even full alien will feel comfortable also coming out and letting the world know who they really are.”

Jay Leno’s reaction to this revelation was: “So it turns out there’s life on other planets. Boy, this is really going to change the Miss Universe contest!”

A spokesalien for Jodi Foster said: “Ms. Foster has always believed that the world is what we make of it. Perhaps we’ll see the day when aliens get treated like normal citizens. Perhaps alien races will be able to enjoy all the benefits and entitlements of being an American, such as free healthcare, and the right to vote without showing any photo identification.”

Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece

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Masterpiece to retrieve megabucks at auction

Masterpiece by Amsterdam Douglass to reap megabucks when sold at auction.

Fargo, ND – Super Artist and Renaissance Man Amsterdam Douglass unveiled his latest masterpiece to a small group of lucky friends the other night. Amsterdam Douglass calls the work: Slice Of Life. He also indicated that some of the cash gained from its sale might be given to the Slice Of Life Foundation, which essentially is a slush fund for hungry and motivated artists to eat, sleep, and paint, on a ranch for hungry artists. Volunteers will be needed at the ranch to serve coffee and cookies. If you have a special cookie recipe, please send it on a postcard to Ms. Honey McLove, here at the home office. Please include a note about yourself and your ancestry. Jean-Pierre Sloan believes that Amsterdam Douglass is perhaps the “premiere” talent today who crosses all borders of interest, gender, and style. Bi-weekly meetings are to be held in your neighborhood for family members to share a pot-luck dish of your own creation. A “Going Green” Hoedown will bring the community together just like the old days, starting with a Meet & Greet and the filling out of name tags. Amsterdam Douglass is also signing people up for a new neighborhood newsletter which will share ideas for ways to improve our existing social infrastructure. If you would like to be interviewed for the newsletter, again, contact Ms. Honey McLove and please don’t forget to indicate which department you want. Finally, we will end with a quotation from Amsterdam Douglass himself. “Between you and me and all the rest of the freaks, tomorrow cannot be as bad as today might have been.” Don’t forget to send in your postcard(s). Also remember that some of the proceeds of the art auction could possibly go to a “good cause”.

FMO Interviews The Queen Of England

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The Queen sits with us for an interview.

The Queen sits with us for an interview.

London, England – Who says persistence doesn’t pay off? After many repeated requests for an exclusive interview with the Royal Queen of England, she finally graciously agreed to grant us permission to ask her a few questions. Enjoy!

FM Observer: You’re known to many as Queen Elizabeth II. What is your actual full name?
Her Majesty: My real name is Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor.

FM Observer: Is that the name on your passport?
Her Majesty: Actually, I don’t have a passport.

FM Observer: Do you have any favorite nicknames?
Her Majesty: Oh, probably Lillibet, which is short for Elizabeth.

FM Observer: May we call you Lillibet?
Her Majesty: No, you may not.

FM Observer: What about this one: When is your birthday?
Her Majesty: I have two birthdays. April 21, 1926 is my actual birthday, however it is celebrated on the second Saturday in June. This is called the Trooping of the Colours.

FM Observer: Well, that certainly makes a lot of sense. We’ve heard that you can order a dark beer in eleven languages. Just for fun, how would you say it in…French?
Her Majesty: Je voudrais un biere brune, s’il vous plait.

FM Observer: Very impressive. So, do you actually want a beer?
Her Majesty: No, of course not.

FM Observer: They describe you as a constitutional monarch. Is that some sort of butterfly?
Her Majesty: Are you serious? Is this interview almost over?

FM Observer: Hey, I’m asking the questions here. Who was your Daddy and what did he Do?
Her Majesty: His name was King George VI and he was the King of England. I have been Queen since February 6, 1952, ever since he died.

FM Observer: What is your husband’s full name?
Her Majesty: That would be Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.

FM Observer: Is it true that both you and your husband, Prince Philip are great great grandchildren of Queen Victoria?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is true. Why do you ask?

FM Observer: So, would it not also be true that both of you share Queen Victoria as your great great grandmother?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is also true. Where are we going with this?

FM Observer: Well, then, since you are a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s oldest son King Edward VII, and since your husband, The Duke of Edinburgh is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s third child Princess Alice, then would not that mean that you married your third cousin?!
Her Majesty: What?! Was this whole interview a set up so you could accuse me of an incestuous marriage?

FM Observer: OK, since we seem to have hit a sensitive hot button issue, let’s wrap it up with one final topic. You seem to like dogs. More specifically, the Corgi breed. What are the names of some of your favorite Corgis?
Her Majesty: Gloin, Gizzard, and Puke.

FM Observer: How did you come up with those names?
Her Majesty: From trying to describe my feelings after doing interviews like this one. Good Day!

amanda bynes clown wig ghost

Amanda Bynes Is A Ghost

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The Amanda Bynes meltdown is going just as expected.  She has reportedly been moved Los Angeles psychiatric center that previously treated Brittney Spears.  She is following previous celebrities footsteps just wonderfully.

Below she can be seen leaving the Hillmont Psychiatric Center Hospital dressed as a ghost with a blue clown wig.  The thought was that the ghost costume would confuse the paparazzi as ghosts are invisible most of the time.  The blue clown wig kind of  gives it away though.

amanda bynes clown wig ghost

I’m a ghost!

 

We will continue to follow this celebrities meltdown just as long as she doesn’t keep dressing as a ghost.

We can’t report on things we can’t see.