Category Archives: Local

Zebra Muscles Invade Red River Zoo

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Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Fargo, ND—Red River Zoo officials have gleefully added zebra muscles to their fleet of exotic animal inventory. A big, buff zebra named “Junto” is the zoo’s newest member. He’s 6’3, 884lbs of brawny zebra muscles that has zoo people ecstatic.

“We’re so happy to have zebra muscles. One freshwater lake’s trash is a local zoo’s treasure,” explains zoo head Bemmen Derschwariatz. “Zebra muscles might be the plague of the small sea, the scourge of the freshwater, but to us, they’re a gift. Just look at those deltoids! Why you wouldn’t want that specimen grazing your lake shores is a mystery to me.”

Why no one has informed Derschwariatz of the difference between zebra muscles and zebra mussels has yet to be determined. Perhaps it’s best to keep zoo officials in the dark and let them have their moment.

Junto and his zebra muscles will be available for all to see this summer.

Area Man 3-D Prints Lusty, Dead-Eyed Carpool Lane Passenger

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Officer poses with “Moana”

Fargo, ND—The good ol’ high-occupancy vehicle (HOV) lane. It’s what all solo drivers long for during that treacherous afternoon commute. Do you ever wish you could drive freely down the wide-open carpool lane during rush hour traffic instead of pulling out your eyeballs and putting them back in their sockets as you sit there aging ungracefully during a traffic jam? Well, much to the chagrin of the Fargo Police Department, one area man made that wish come true with the use of a 3-D printer.

Ealio Sappsinbush, 34, was cited late yesterday afternoon for operating on an excluded byway when an officer noticed the cold, blank stare of a not unattractive mannequin in his front passenger seat. Sappsinbush stated that yes, the mannequin was in fact not an actual person, but a 3-D printed representation of his ex-girlfriend Moana. “I take Moana with me everywhere. Sometimes she’s tied up in the trunk; other times she sits shotgun while I speed down the HOV lane. It is with Moana whom I travel. Her empty, callous expression by my side always.”

Officers were not as impressed with his use of a fake carpool lane passenger as they were with his 3-D printed rendering of his ex. “The thoughtfulness and detail that the perp used to construct his HOV passenger is actually pretty impressive,” said officer Xanver McLorg. “After a few minutes of peering longingly into Moana’s seductive gaze, I felt like giving myself to her instead giving them a citation.”

Sappsinbush was forced to turn his beloved Moana over to police in addition to paying the $150 ticket.

Fargo Shooting Park To Add Golf Driving Range

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Range

Shooting Driving Range

Fargo, ND—The Fargo Shooting Park has decided to jazz things up a bit with the implementation of a golf driving range. The shooting park is adding a golf ball dispenser, so bring your guns and your clubs along on your next visit.

“Anything you can shoot at, you can hit a golf ball at,” says park manager Sext Buttreal. “And anything you can hit a golf ball at, you can shoot at. Gun enthusiasts can shoot their bullets at balls or our stationary targets while golf enthusiasts can hit their balls at targets or the clay pigeons in our skeet shooting gallery. With the implementation of a golf driving range, we want to add some light-hearted fun to what is typically a very masculine and, at times, sinister practice.”

Gun enthusiasts are having mixed emotions. Park regular Pevit Gankwaiter doesn’t want golfers getting in the way of his target practice. “My rifle bullets might just find a golfer’s balls if you catch my drift.”

A shooting range and a driving range in one. What could go wrong? Park officials expect the range to be ready for golfers by the end of this century.

Fargo Man Discovers iPod’s Song Shuffle Algorithm

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Random...?

Random? Damn near killed him.

Fargo, ND—iPod owners will be quick to tell you that they love using the device’s “shuffle” feature to play a random assortment of music. It liberates the user from the responsibility of having to pick which songs they want to hear. This may seem random to you or me, but according to one area math wiz, it’s not.

Local Mathologist Dr. Bictor Tedhanger believes there’s something very specific about his iPod’s “shuffle” sequence. “Fact: What may seem like a completely random selection of songs is anything but. Fact. The sequence was quite easily solved, actually. Fact.” 

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Tedhanger believes that Apple, in conjunction with the NSA and the CIA, is using your personal data to shuffle your song playback. “Fact: Computate the number of songs on your iPod. Multiply it by one million. Fact. Divide that total by the sum of the house number of the residence in which you currently live and the sum of the numbers in your date of birth. The resulting number rounded up to the nearest whole number divided by 3 is the number of spots in descending order in which the iPod skips songs. Fact.”

Representatives at Apple could not be reached to confirm or disconfirm these allegations. Is Tedhanger onto something or is he on something? What do you think? Does his math add up when shuffling on your iPod? Let us know in the comments section below!

Event: Weekly Spam Email Poetry Reading

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Help! Nigerian Inheritance Erection Insurance.

Help! Nigerian Inheritance Erection Insurance.

Fargo, ND—Spam email: the scourge of the inbox. We all get it. Some of us have even replied to one or two. Have you ever gotten a spam email so over-the-top you just had to share its contents? Did you ever feel like sharing that spam email in a jazzy nightclub setting? Then have we got the evening for you!

An exciting new event sponsored by the FM Observer is making its way to Thady’s Lounge on 6th St (next to the haunted mannequin warehouse). The F-M Orators Club is hosting a come-one-come-all Spam Email Poetry Reading every Thursday night at 7:00pm! 

Bring a collection of your zaniest spam emails to be read live onstage! Listen as folks hilariously recite the incoherent and oftentimes inexplicable requests contained in their Spam inbox! Witness as a pair of mimes provide a live reenactment of the spam email as it’s told by the reader! Actual spam is preferred, but original spam is encouraged. Write your own spam email and share it with the rest of the group, why don’t you?

Admission is free for this gawdy, awful event. BYOSpam. Emails can be read from your smartphone if you forget your printout. 

If You Go:

Where: Thady’s Lounge

When: Thursday nights at 7:00pm

Why: ??

FM Observer Asks: Do You Uber?

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Uber much?

Uber much?

Fargo, ND—With Uber ride service starting soon in Fargo, the FM Observer wonders if you, the reader, Uber? We asked a handful of friendly folks if they’ve ever Ubered or if they plan to Uber:

Whackite Chlomsburger, 47, Fargo, Air-Powered Rifle Mechanic:

“Whatever gets me to the air-powered rifle shop and back at a reasonable rate is fine by me.”

Tork Chroin, 34, Fargo, Pro Thunderball Player:

“Me and the other Thunderballers can Uber to Rooters after league gets over, go HAM, get bombed, Uber back home, pass out on our kitchen floor, then wake up and do it all over again the next day.”

Clish BaBerdink, 20, West Fargo, Skater Dude:

“Next time I double-back on a reverse-toe-ball-kick ollie-flip and split my coccyx, i’ll Uber to the ER, bro.”

Phlim Daggnip, 51, Casselton, Beard Wrangler:

“I won’t be needin’ to Uber anywhere. I do all my beard wranglin’ here at home.”

Assmarina Kyros, 27, Fargo, Follicular Transplant Specialist:

“I do consider Uber a reasonable option for immediate human transport. I will Uber. Yes, yes I will Uber very much as, via court-mandated order due to lawbreak, I have been disallowed from driving.”

Noldo Pacworlder, 44, North Fargo, Zombie Apocalypse Theorist:

“The Uberers must ready themselves for the Impenetrable Quickening. When the Great Change violently imposes itself upon the human race, safe vehicular harbor will become fully mandatory. We haven’t much time. Preparations are underway. Currently, my underground panic bunker–complete with approximately 14 years worth of both sonic and explosive weaponry, dry non-perishable goods and well water–burrows 68.75 feet underground.”

Declen Millsteff-Ghristles, 31, Fargo, Church of Satan Minister-In-Training

“With the Dark Lord’s guidance, I may deftly conjure an Uber. Whatever he deems pertinent under the laws of our cherished Necronomicon, I shalt follow. Go unto him, for Satan is God! His armies shall soon rise from the bowels of Hell to cleanse the impure. So, what are Uber’s rates?”

Do you desire to Uber? Let us know in the comments!

Raceism Is What Makes Marathon Week So Special

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Raceism | noun | race – ism | ˈrā-ˌsi-zəm: the belief in racing as a favorable hobby or pastime

Raceism is alive and well

Raceism is still a thing!

Fargo, ND–Raceism is alive and well in Fargo this weekend during this year’s marathon. Raceists from all across the country have flocked to town this week for the city’s annual 26-miler. Registration totals are through the roof again as thousands of raceists wait patiently for the starting gun.

Fellow raceists train hard for this event. Local raceist Jaian Leutibron is poised to run his fifth consecutive full marathon on Saturday. “Raceism is a part of me. It’s who I am. I love racing with a passion, whether it’s on road or on track. My father was a diehard raceist, and so was my father’s father. Participating in the marathon with all these other raceists is what it’s all about.”

Registration for this event is still open if you’re a raceist who wants to get in on the action! All you have to do is fill out the Raceist Registration Forms online or in person to register as a raceist. The raceism culminates this Saturday on the streets of downtown Fargo. Be there!

 

Watch Out For Cleanup Week Curb Kids

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baby-with-garbage-pile2Fargo, ND—It’s cleanup week in Fargo! One man’s trash is another man’s treasure–but beware. If you’re trolling the streets for discarded belongings, keep your eyes and ears open for something truly invaluable. Be on the lookout for curb kids.

Deadbeat parents are sneaking unwanted infants into their curb trash. IF YOU SEE AN INFANT ON THE CURB NEXT TO A PILE OF JUNK DO NOT PICK IT UP. By rule, the infant will become yours and you will need to cherish it for all eternity. Inspect the junkpile thoroughly before you take anything–there might be a baby lodged inside one of those dresser drawers.

If you find a curb kid, notify police or social services immediately and they will relocate the infant. Giving away children in a cleanup week junk heap is illegal and will be met with swift justice.

Large Comet To Hit Downtown Fargo Next Year

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Comet X-51 heading toward downtown Fargo but may hit Dilworth if there’s a strong West wind.

Fargo, ND – City officials are trying to not start a panic while announcing that a large comet may hit downtown Fargo sometime next year.

The comet is named X-51 and is believed to be from the Taurus constellation.

Cometologists have determined that its size is roughly equal to two Fargodomes.

Tim Stellars from the National Comet Observation Bureau says: “If you added another upside-down Fargodome to the bottom of the actual Fargodome, that is about the size and shape of Comet X-51, which is headed straight for downtown Fargo.”

Fortunately, NCOB has calculated that the chance of a direct hit on downtown Fargo is less than 100% but unfortunately have put it at about 80-90%, give or take 5%, after dropping the decimal point.

City officials are discussing the problem and also the possible huge increase in binge drinking due to this “unsettling news”.

We will continue to monitor this developing situation and provide updates on a Need-To-Know basis.

Fargo Tops State With Seven I-94 Exits

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Fargo-FloodFargo, ND—The results are finally in! Fargo, for the eighteenth year in a row, was awarded the honor of Most Independent I-94 Highway Exits with an estimable 7.

ND Department Of Transportation Administrator Hifton Gasscage believes this to be the result of hard work and a little divine intervention. “We’re happy with these recent findings. Currently, there are no plans to add or remove any highway exits, but if it doth pleaseth the gods, thy shalt produceth the sturdiest of offeth-rampeth constructs.”

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The Gods

The Gods sent forth this ruling after the annual War Of Spring Solstice. Fargo was declared the ruling village in an epic Battle Of The Longroads, with Bismarck earning a revered second-place nod.

Fargo shall again wage battle against Bismarck at the dawn of the 2017 Summer Solstice. It is then that the Gods shall again make their will known.