Category Archives: News

Fargo Man Arrested For Flash-Frying Entire Cow

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illegal?

Illegal.

Fargo, ND—Authorities were dispatched to a north Fargo neighborhood yesterday afternoon as one witness called to report what sounded like “A raging cauldron full of boiling guts” rumbling in his neighbor’s back yard.

Police arrived to find Todd Fox, a resident infamous for melting snow with a flamethrower, presiding over a 10,000-gallon propane-powered boiling vat of grease which contained a full, beer-battered Holstein cow.

“I seen it on TV, thought it’d be a good idea,” said Fox, who appeared to be referring to an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode in which character Master Shake flash-fries a fully intact, battered cow in his residential neighborhood driveway. Fox was armed to the teeth with enough empty bottles of vegetable oil to kill a sperm whale, 10 propane-powered Nipco space heaters, a hydraulic hoist and a 10,000-gallon stainless steel tank he said he bought “real cheap at my uncle Burp’s flea market.”

Police would have none of it as they arrested Fox on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of livestock without a permit. When asked how he obtained the deceased animal, Fox declared “I know me a butcher.”

USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo Airport

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caption here

Beam me up, Scotty!

Fargo, ND – Whether you’re a faithful fan of Star Trek or not, everyone can get excited about an upcoming visit to Fargo by a famous legendary icon.

The starship USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) is scheduled to come to Fargo for the next AirShow. Captain Kirk’s famous space cruiser will be landing at the Fargo Airport.

You and your whole family will be able to come aboard the actual USS Enterprise and explore it from the inside. Go up to the bridge to sit in the captain’s chair and maybe even honk the horn.

Some of the original crew members will be coming along to answer any questions that you might have. Star Trekers Spock, Sulu, Uhura, and Chekov are all planning on making the trip to Fargo to explore strange new worlds and to seek out new life and civilizations.

Lt. Ross Cooper is the official event scheduler for the USS Enterprise. “After travelling to all parts of the universe, we realized that our beloved starship has never been to Fargo, North Dakota”, he says.

“Hopefully folks in Fargo will be as excited about our visit as we all are. Please stop by to see this amazing starship out at the Fargo Airport. We can even beam you aboard so you don’t have to walk up all the stairs.”

Local Sandwich Artist Gets Lifetime Achievement Award

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19232654_SAWest Fargo, ND – Dale, a Subway Sandwich Artist, received a lifetime achievement award today.

Dale has been an employee at Subway now for 11 years and he says his artesrty is only blossoming.

“I feel great! I’ve been a sandwich artist for 11 whole years now.  My works of art are consumed on a daily basis.  I couldn’t be happier.”

Dale says his passion for the art of sandwich making has fueled his inner genius.

“Give me sandwich materials and I’m your Leonardo Da Vinci.”

The local science and art institute would like to congratulate Dale on his lifetime achievement award.  They feel his expertise has contributed considerably to the advancement of human science.

Neighbor Refuses To Mow

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ask-julie-what-proper-mowing-height-grass-1Fargo, ND – A local man has been fined for not caring Thursday.

Jim got the cops called on him Thursday afternoon after his neighbor reported him to the authorities for not ‘murdering the grass.”

“I don’t want to do it.  I simply refuse to mow my grass.  Its going to be winter in about a month anyways.  What’s the point. Apparently my neighbor has a problem with naturally grown grass.  I cut it and it comes back within days.  I hate it.”

Jim will be fined again and again if he doesn’t mow that grass.  However, it doesn’t look like it will stop Jim from not mowing his lawn.  He said he will continue to obtain fines and will not pay them.

Old Man Mistakes Dildo As Stress Reliever

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homemade-stress-ballsFargo, ND – Local store patrons got a good laugh Wednesday night.

Josh, an 86 year-old man got quite the looks Wednesday when he seemed to have mistaken a dildo for a stress reliever.

Josh thought that a 7ft bouncy and thick dildo was a stress reliever.  You know, the kind you squish with your hand.

“All I saw was a man holding a dildo that was swaying back and forth.  He was squishing the shaft over and over again.  I was like, what is this man doing.”

We spoke with Josh’s son who said his old man just has a hard time seeing is all.

“I gave him an actual stress reliever ball that he can carry wherever he goes.  No more dildos.” Josh’s son stated.

If you ever see an old man waving a dildo around, please call Josh’s son at 555-8987.

Salesman Fired For Not Lying To Customers

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Jampy Borktartle

Jampy Borktartle

Fargo, ND—A guy who plays by his own rules has been 86’d from a local used car dealership, the Observer has learned. Gacky Rearwater, formerly a used car & junk salesman for Uncle Jampy’s Metal & Wheels Emporium on south 18th street, was let go by the company for refusing to tell outright lies to his customers.

Gacky feels he was misled in regards to sales tactics. “My boss Jampy Borktartle used to always tell me ‘Hey Gacky, hneyh hyneh! You gotta tell them bozos whatever they wanna hear, hnyeh hyenh!’ but that’s not how I was taught to do business,” Gacky explained. “You give ’em truth and honesty and that’s what you get back, jack.”

Jampy fired Gacky after too many customers left the Metal & Wheels Emporium without a purchase. Gacky just couldn’t bear the burden of lies. He couldn’t use honesty to sell Jampy’s dysfunctional collection of rust-buckets, tark-wheels and glomper-rods.

World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody

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No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

Joggins, Nova Scotia – Archie Blackburn set out 22 years ago to jog around the entire world. He had jotted this goal down on a bar napkin after a few margaritas and then decided to really do it.

The next day, when he began his trek, many close friends and loving family members wildly cheered him on his way.

After more than two decades of jogging through every country in the world, Archie finally made it back to his own driveway, expecting a huge welcome home party.

Instead, there was no one. Not one sign of human life existed where his home once was, and where his family once lived.

Mr. Blackburn indeed had achieved what he set out to do, to jog around the entire globe. But this goal-jotting globetrotter has no idea what happened to his wife and children and probable grandchildren.

Archie Blackburn, and now his only friend, a giant guardian bumblebee named Buzz, who’s been following and protecting Archie ever since he jogged through South America, finally made it back from a world-wide jogathon only to discover that he was now entering the Twilight Zone.

If you know anything about the where-a-bouts of Archie’s long-lost family, please twitter a tweet to (hashtag) #WheresMyFrickinFamily?

Bean Bag Toss Game Goes Back To Caveman Days

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Early cornholers practicing their craft.

Early cornholers practicing their craft.

Moorhead, MN – A new recent archaeological finding shows that cavemen played the Bean Bag Toss game.

This ever-popular game is also called CornHole since bags of corn were used by cavemen during times of abundant harvest to glorify their gods.

Early Game expert Minga Tortendorf says this latest discovery just outside of Moorhead, Minnesota is very important.

“It shows that early cavemen and cavewomen played the Bean Bag Toss game just as we do today” she explains.

“This is the first real evidence that we have of early humans actually playing any type of games.”

The next time you and your family, friends, or co-workers are playing CornHole (or as some simply call it: CornHolio), just imagine the earliest settlers played the exact same game way back around 42,000 B.C.

Minga’s closing thoughts: “By playing CornHolio, it sadly shows that in some ways we have not progressed much at all from Cro-Magnon days. If you really want to show how much we’ve advanced since the dawn of life, perhaps consider having a Bocce Ball tournament, or at least go fly a kite like Thomas Edison for heaven’s sake!”

Fargo Canoer Mistakes Ditch Water For Sheyenne River

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canoe fargoFargo, ND – A Fargo man mistakes ditch water for the sheyenne river yesterday afternoon.

Due to the beautiful weather yesterday afternoon, John decided it was perfect to go canoeing. Just not in the right place.

John was arrested for trespassing and resisting arrest. Police say John might not be aging so well and due to very old age, he simply mistook the ditch with water in it as the sheyenne river.  Simple mistake.

John did put up a fight though.  He refused to get out of the canoe.  Police had no choice but to taze him 3 times and break both legs just to subdue him.  It then took ten punches to the face and a visit to his house to shoot his dog. The police did say they felt all was finally safe and to proceed to bring him to jail for prosecution.

Police would like to remind the public that it is illegal to canoe in public ditches and law enforcement will keep an extra eye out there for potential offenders.

Cloned Cloners Create Two-Headed Mule

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Researchers now able to clone two-headed animals say humans are next.

Researchers now able to clone two-headed animals say humans are next.

Madison, WI – After one researcher bet that it could not be done, another had to prove him wrong.

At the University of Wisconsin Cloning Center, history has once again been made. Two researchers, who are each a clone of the famed Scottish biologist Ian Wilmut who created Dolly the cloned sheep, have collaborated to expand the limits of what can be.

Their resulting creation is two identical cloned heads of the same original mule attached together at opposite ends of the same body.

Its creators note that it’s quite interesting to watch Ying-Yang trying to decide which direction to walk.

The entire cloning world is obviously abuzz about the endless possibilities. Their thinking now is: If we can do this, we can do pretty much anything!

“If we’re at the point where two cloned researchers can create a two-headed mule just while cloning around, the only limit to what we can do is our imaginations” says Dr. Brave Neworld, Executive Director of the newly named Cloning Around Center.