Category Archives: News

No-Driver Taxis To Be Tested In Fargo-Moorhead

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Just imagine riding in a taxi that has no driver.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead area has been selected to be the main testing zone for some new No-Driver Taxis.

Driverless electric taxis were the brainchild of Jensen Torath of Stockton, California. Mr. Torath’s new No-Driver Taxis will soon be driving themselves around the Fargo-Moorhead area, hopefully taking people quickly and safely to their intended destinations.

The president of Torath Taxi Corporation says that his PRTs (Personal Rapid Transit vehicles) are precisely guided by the latest in GPS technology which works in conjunction with Google Maps. Mr. Torath tells folks to think of his No-Driver Taxis as “intelligent robots on wheels”.

This driverless taxi technology was first tested in the United Kingdom where all “the bugs” were gradually worked out. Now, they are coming back to the United States and Fargo-Moorhead is the lucky test area.

How exactly will it work, you ask? Once a Ride Request is put into the system from a person’s smart-phone, one of the driverless vehicles will swing by to pick up any waiting passengers, and then transport them to their exact destination coordinates.

How safe are they, you might wonder? “They are safe. They are very, very safe!” says Penny Nickels, the Safety Spokeswoman for Torath Taxi Corp. “We jokingly like to say that these new automated taxis are certainly safer than riding in a demolition derby with a drunk texting driver at the wheel. While their top speed is 60 feet per second, they certainly are fast enough to safely get out of the way of an on-coming freight train.”

If you and a few of your party people friends are out drinking some evening and would like a fun and free ride in a No-Driver Taxi, simply twitter a tweet to #HeadlessHorseman using your smart-phone. Then just wait a minute or two for one of the No-Driver Taxis to pick you up. Oh, and remember to fasten your safety harness in case there are any unexpected sudden starts or stops!

Casino Owner Smothered To Death By Huge Pile Of Your Gambled Money

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Mildred Bong Maxomer

Hankinson, ND—A pillar of the Hankinson community is gone. Locals mourn the loss of Wurlot Bong Maxomer, Co-Chief Operating Officer of Dakota Gaming Enterprises, which holds a stake in Dakota Magic Casino & Resort & Hotel.

County coroner’s initial report states that Wurlot died of “monetarial asphyxiation”, meaning he was smothered to death by an enormous pile of cash.

An excerpt from his eulogy, delivered by his lovely wife Mildred:

“…Wurlot was old-fashioned. He was highly suspicious of banks, so he kept all the casino earnings in big, fat wads of hundred-dollar bills. There got to be so much money that we had to pile it up in neatly stacked cash castles throughout our gigantic mansion. It was one of these cash castles that did Wurl in. He went to adjust the very top row of a 15-foot-high castle then lost his balance and fell into it. The Benjamins tower toppled onto him and smooshed him. Oh, it was gruesome! There was Benjamins and guts and Benjamins covered in guts and guts with Benjamins stuck to them. It was everywhere! The dog was licking some of it up. My Wurlot. He died doing what he loved: using your money.”

The District Attorney is expected to file a class-action “wrongful death” lawsuit against casino patrons, claiming that gamblers willfully contributed to the death of Mr. Bong Maxomer via a long series of free-will donations.

James Cameron Postpones Avatar 2 Production To Find Missing Plane

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Ready to penetrate the Indian?

Ready to penetrate?

Hollywood, CA—Legendary Hollywood film producer and deep-sea-pod diver James Cameron has waited. He’s sat idly by while these so-called “professionals” attempt to retrieve the remains of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 from the depths of the Indian Ocean. He has tried to be patient, but the tension has proven to be too great.  

“It pains me to witness amateurs stabbing their equipment through the heart of our planet’s salty waters, sifting blindly through The Abyss, rated PG-13,” said Cameron. “I’ve waited long enough. Now I must plunge my pod deep into the bowels of the Indian Ocean. I must spelunk the darkest depths. I will locate MH370.”

Cameron is of course referring to his Deepsea Challenger, a deep sea submersible in which he has reached oceanic depths of up to five miles. Whether Cameron is truly physically prepared to jam his pod into The Abyss at this time is unknown. All we do know is someone needs to find that plane, for Pete’s sake.

Fargo Easter Kids Found What?!? Jaw dropping! Must Read!

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easter-bunny-cuteFargo, ND – Will was looking for easter eggs with his brother earlier this morning when they discovered something awful.

Will stated him and his brother went behind the shed to get some cute easter eggs.  What they discovered were not easter eggs but two ripped apart bunnies mangled beyond recognition.  Their heads ripped apart from their bodies.  Still twitching.

Local wildlife officials stated that an eagle most likely made quick work of these bunnies and no suffering was involved. Parents say the kids are a little upset but they will pull through.

Wildlife officials would also like to remind kids that cute bunny rabbits don’t just poop out colored eggs but that they are dinner for others as well.

Fargo Mom Thought Marijuana Legalization Would Have Destroyed Colorado By Now

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Stop lying to us, Obama.

Stop lying to us, Obama!

Fargo,ND−Area mother Cynthia Lincoln-Baxter finds herself utterly perplexed at the fact that Colorado hasn’t devolved into an absolute wasteland full of crime, poverty and despair since the state’s decriminalization of marijuana last year.

“With pots as dangerous as they are I just don’t understand how cities like Denver haven’t succumbed to all the pots-fueled crime,” hissed Lincoln-Baxter, in between bites of string cheese that she wasn’t even taking apart—just chomping into it like some kind of rage-fueled monster. “Especially if you consider the proven notion that pots leads to heroin addiction. That alone should have killed off half the city’s population by now,” she said.

Lincoln-Baxter also seemed visibly distraught at the media’s lack of pot-related crime coverage. “Why hasn’t Brian Williams been telling us about the pot suicides and driving while high deaths?” she asked, quizzically. “Obama is blocking these reports!! I’ve been reading the Denver Post and not ONE mention of pot suicide or pot driving deaths like I know there has been.”

If you’ve seen any legitimate reports of “pot suicides” or “pot-induced coma” or “pot driving deaths” or “pot riots” or “pots murder” or “bong-related assaults” or “pot-fueled domestic disputes” or “pot on pot crime”, please, let us know in the comment section.

Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets

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Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

The one and only Donatella Versace

Hollywood, CA – The FM Observer’s Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, caught up with the most beautiful Donatella Versace for a fun and informative interview. Enjoy!

Tojo Saxton: Thanks for getting together! How have you been?

Donatella Versace: Oh, me be so busy…sooo busy!

TS: Oh? What have you been so busy doing, Donatella? Wanna tell us?

DV: Yes! Me be working on new line of beauty products that make people look reeeal nice, you know?

TS: Well, honey, you should know! Many consider you to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth. In fact, some think you’re so hot that you’re the cause of Global Warming!

DV: Oh, no. But you sooo nice. Thank you. (chuckle chuckle)

TS: Do you have any beauty tips that you would care to share with all ten of the people who will read this wonderful interview?

DV: Well, plenty of sleep is very important, especially if you tired. Me eat lots of Outshine Fruit Bars and only drink Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Ciders.

TS: All of a sudden, I feel like we’re in the movie The Truman Show.

DV: Oh, no, me don’t know about that.

TS: So, Donatella Versace, my readers will never forgive me if I don’t ask you this one question: Have you ever had any work done by any plastic surgeons?

DV: No. Nothing ever done by any plastic sturgeons, but me has gone to see my beauty doctors.

TS: And would you say that your “beauty doctors” have helped you become as beautiful as you are today?

DV: Oh, yes! Me used to not be so beautiful and they tell Donatella they can make me look sooo much more beautiful.

TS: Well, it certainly has paid off for you. And hopefully this interview with the one and only Donatella Versace will pay off for me. Thank you sooo much for sitting down face-to-face to answer a few questions.

DV: Oh, this is not a problem. Donatella love sharing her beauty tips for your website. What is your website again?

TS: I write for the FM Observer.

DV: Oh, no, Donatella never heard of that one.

Read Tojo Saxton’s hard-hitting interview with Tom Cruise about Scientology being a hoax!

Texas Governor To Pardon One Thousandth Death Row Execution

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Electric Chair-M

Smile, you’re being pardoned!!

Austin, TX—Last year, Texas became the first state to murder 500 death row inmates since the US Supreme Court reinstated capital punishment in 1976. The death row frontrunner has disposed of nearly five times as many criminals as Virginia, the second state on the list.

Since hitting that epic milestone, the red state’s lawmakers decided to get a little inventive with Mr. 1000. In an effort to draw some positive publicity to capital punishment, they’ve officially declared a pardon for the thousandth death row inmate.

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a special announcement from the State Capitol: “Our thousandth violent offender, that little varmint, once he or she gets sentenced to death row we’ll mark it down and when their day finally comes, that lucky duck will receive a formal pardon just minutes before they get sizzled to death.”

When questioned whether this was cruel and unusual punishment, Perry stated “Naw, jack, we’re makin’ em sit on death row ‘n think real long ‘n hard about why they’re there. Then, after they march down Execution Hall ‘n plop down in that there chair with the wires ‘n junk, we’ll break the good news to ’em ‘n throw ’em a little hoedown with balloons ‘n whatnot.”

Governor Perry added that they’re “Fixin’ to hang a buttload of varmints” in the coming years and that death row’s one thousandth customer “Will be in for the ride of his god damned life.”

Titanfall

Respawn Lays Out It’s Future With Titanfall

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TitanfallIn a recent post, Steve Fukuda discussed the developer’s point of view to supporting the future of Titanfall and offered some insight as to what to expect.

Some of these is the promise of ultimate transparency.  They stated they want to let its fans know exactly what to expect.

“We tend the garden and keep the weeds out,” Fukuda posted.

What he actually means is that the current employees (former infinity ward employees) will be required to update the game with the most minimal changes possible.

“Yes.  Our 10 year future of Titanfall releases looks fantastic.  We have made one game now.  Now all we need is a sequel with some added gameplay and you’ve got yourself a series! Once the second game is released, it’s hookers, blow, and suitcases full of quaaludes for the following nine years.”

“Any new and exciting ideas for future releases?”

“Yes of course! By game two we have many scenes created.  We can now just take those same scenes, add some new textures, and create new scenes from those in no time flat.  That means tons of new scenes and textures for our fans.  We will also think about adding titan customization features.  Those will require in-game micro purchases, of course. Lastly, we will just literally try and do the least amount of work possible on future releases so we can continue to sell you the same game for the next 9 years.  We call it “The Call of Duty Format. DLC content will be available for a fee on day one as well.”

The developers got the last word and here is what they stated.

“We think you will love the Titanfall series and hope to see you continue buying the same game every year for the next nine years. We love your delicious tears……..but we love your money even more.”

 

**Job Opening – Grammar Police**

Please leave any grammar mistakes you may find in this article in the comments section below.  Thanks!  Your work is much appreciated!

Chef With Assburger Syndrome Selling Assburgers To Help Raise Awareness About Assburger’s Syndrome

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Let me cook for you so you can learn about my problems.

Let me cook for you so you can learn about my problems.

East Fargo, MN (aka Moorhead) – In a quirky town that is known for its social awkwardness, it’s fitting that this is the backdrop for a story to warm your heart and satisfy your appetite for all things good.

Executive Chef Ethan Ellis, who’s had Assburger’s Syndrome his entire life, is trying to help raise awareness about this misunderstood autistic disorder.

Chef Ellis, who heads the staff at the formerly defunct TreeTop Restaurant and Lounge, said the idea came to him while he was recently obsessing on a South Park episode about the Assburger Syndrome. “Why not sell Assburgers to help educate people about the Assburger Syndrome?”, he thought to himself. So, that is exactly what he decided to do.

“Now, by using an iPad touch-screen menu and without ever having to talk to anyone, customers can order their Assburgers with or without cheese and whatever extras they want. At the same time, they can also learn various facts about Assburger’s Syndrome” he explained.

The impressive compilation of trivia factoids that Chef Ellis has gathered range from: It was Austrian physician Dr. Hans Assburger back in 1944 who first studied children with the characteristic symptoms of Assburger’s Syndrome, to: Pointing out that the popular internet gathering spot for people such as Chef Ellis who have Assburger’s Syndrome is WrongPlanet.Net.

So, the next time you’re looking for a nice quiet place to have a bite and learn a bit, consider having an Assburger, just the way you want it, high atop the formerly defunct TreeTop Restaurant and Lounge in vibrant downtown East Fargo.

Tear Duct Implants Gaining Popularity in Washington

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Tears beginning to flow in Washington.

Washington, D.C. – A new cosmetic surgery trend is sweeping the nation’s capital. Tear duct implants, also known as “Sad Sacs”, are becoming increasingly popular among politicians whose inability to connect with their constituents has left them with few other options. The implants, which are surgically inserted into the lower eyelid, draw liquid from the body and store it in small sacs. The liquid can then be released on cue by activating the “Cry Button”, a wireless device that is carried by the user.

According to Dr. Hope Leslie, M.D., “Getting misty-eyed is something that happens naturally for most of us when we feel strong emotions. The problem for the majority of elected officials is that they are complete sociopaths, utterly incapable of human empathy. This leaves them at a real disadvantage when it comes to relating to others. Sad Sacs give these politicians the ability to at least appear like they can understand someone else’s suffering. Quite honestly, it’s the closest thing to compassion we’re ever going to see in Washington.”

“I just plain do not care about people, and that’s been a challenge for my campaign,” admitted one Senator who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve literally laughed in some of my voters’ faces when they’ve told me how hard their lives are. Now I can turn on the waterworks and by God, it seems like I actually give a damn. These Sad Sacs are just unbelievable.”

Despite their effectiveness, developers admit there are still a few glitches with the implants. “Generally, the problems have been behavior-related,” explained Dr. Leslie. “Things like Congressmen pumping their Cry Buttons too fast in order to squirt others in the face, or the Vice President stealing the Speaker’s wireless device. We’re looking at requiring some maturity training classes, and beefing up security features. All in all, though, demand for the procedure is through the roof. We’re confident that, at least on Capitol Hill, Sad Sacs are here to stay.”