Category Archives: News

Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll

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For every person who finds an apartment, 199 others can not.

Williston, ND – With too many people looking for too little housing, folks in Williston, North Dakota are starting to reach their breaking point.

Because of the North Dakota oil boom, monthly rent in Williston is now the highest in the country.

Sadly, for every apartment, there are 200 people seeking a home where they can hang their hat.

Mayor Bob Cobb says: “It’s like trying to play ketchup but you never can quite catch up. It’s very frustrating as more and more people continue to roll into town.”

Professional psychologist René Magritte describes it this way: “The competition for housing is ferocious. For those that do get an apartment, not only is it extremely expensive, but you look out your window only to see all the people that wish they were you. It reminds me of the original Star Trek episode called The Mark Of Gideon in which a planet was so overcrowded that it was like Bombay on steroids.”

Online Trolls Say 2014 Will Be A Great Year For Them

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Internet TrollOnline trolls have recently slithered out of their holes to state that they think 2014 will be a great year for them.

Due to the still ever increasing use of social media, trolls are having a better chance of seeing uplifting stories that they can engage in and throw their venomous feces all over.

We spoke to a few trolls online.  User “IMTHEGREATEST” is one that we had the chance to speak to.

“I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for us trolls.  I’m literally like so excited.  If it wasn’t for trying to make peoples lives miserable for no reason, I would be lost.  I’ve been crafting my unique trolling skills lately and I can’t wait to use them.  Ultimately I’d like get someone so aggravated that they kill themselves.  LOL!”

We got to speak to another troll user named “MoNKeYBaLLS.”

“I’m the greatest warrior the internet has ever seen.  I’m certainly no pussy.  Just yesterday I told a cancer patient that I hope she dies.  This morning I told a bunch of animal lovers that I’d run over all their animals without question.  It’s what I do.  It’s what I’m good at.  I also know everything.  I have a PHD.  It’s not recognized as real but I have one.”

User “LOTF” had this to say.

“2014 is going to be great!  I should probably get out of bed because it’s been 2 months since I’ve done so.  However, I was speaking to other trolls and they are just as excited as I am for this year.  I can’t wait for all the good positive stories to come out that I can ruin for everyone.”

Lastly, we spoke with user “48575743.”

“I…..cannot…….wait to see what is in-store for 2014!  If I didn’t have the internet i’d have been beaten up like 200 times by now LOL.  Or murdered LOL.  When I’m on the internet I don’t have to worry about being punched in the face repeatedly since they don’t know where I live!  I’m a very very smart person.  2014 will be a great year for me to feel better about myself.  I will promise to dedicate all my energy to being a complete jerk online.”

Today, internet trolls are increasing in numbers rapidly.  Why?  We don’t know.  We can though give you some tips.  See below.

  • The famous motto “Do not feed the trolls” is real and still works.  Simply ignoring them will make them bored and they will move quickly to troll others.
  • On facebook you may block them so you never see their mouth feces scattered about ever again.
  • Be sarcastically nice to them.
  • Find out their real name and post the trolling details on blogs etc.  This way if someone is searching for that person in particular, they will find out that he is a worthless troll.
  • Murder them with fire.

Those are just some ways to effectively deal with trolls.  2014 is looking to be even more frustrating.

How do you deal with trolls?

Ukraine President’s Brother Weird Al Yanukovych Releases Album

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Estranged brothers: Viktor Yanukovych and Weird Al Yanukovych

Kiev, Ukraine – Although it is common to see Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych in the news, it is one of his relatives who is making headlines as of late.

The President’s estranged brother, Weird Al Yanukovych has been stealing the spotlight in the embattled region with the release of his latest album, “Not Back To The USSR”, which he says is “custom created for the narcissist to our north”.

Popular among Ukraine’s hipster crowd, Mr. Yanukovych has long been revered for his satirical remakes of western songs.  His music offers much needed comic relief in a land that many consider to be the least humorous place on earth.  “If I can give my people a chuckle in the face of all this chaos and uncertainty, then I’ve done my job,” states Yanukovych.  “And if I can stick it to my idiot brother in the process, then that’s just honey on my pierogi.”

Weird Al Yanukovych was elevated to icon status in the early 90’s with his Billboard-topping Eurythmics cover, “Here Comes Ukraine Again”.  Since then, some of the world’s biggest artists have given him permission to change their songs’ lyrics in the name of laughter.  It is widely rumored that the artist formerly known as Prince offered Yanukovych 1,000 pounds of caviar to create “Purple Ukraine”, another of his top hits.

The release of his latest album comes at a time when political unrest and a threatening Russian military presence along Ukraine’s border are taking their toll on the country’s citizens.  “We need a laugh now more than ever,”  said Yanukovych at a recent press conference.  “These politicians are total nutcases, but I’m the ‘Weird’ one?  What’s wrong with this picture?”

The album, “Not Back To The USSR” is currently available on iTunes and will soon hit stores worldwide.  Yanukovych was kind enough to give us the list of tracks, which you can check out below:

Not Back To The USSR (original song by The Beatles)
If I Had a Million Vodkas (original song by Barenaked Ladies)
Crimea River (original song by Justin Timberlake)
Smells Like Mean Spirit (original song by Nirvana)
Heart of Cold (original song by Neil Young)
You Are Not My Sunshine (original song by Willie Nelson)
The Sound Of Violence (original song by Simon and Garfunkel)
Every Putin Wants To Rule The World (original song by Tears for Fears)
Locked Up In Prison (original song by Bruno Mars)
Achy Breaky Sovereignty (original song by Billy Ray Cyrus)
If I Was Your Despot (original song by Justin Bieber)

Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery

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Whodunnit?

Fargo, ND – During a recent police investigation, Chief Inspector Ripley interviewed five possible suspects in the robbery of a local Kum & Go convenience store.

One fact that was known for certain: each suspect was telling exactly one lie.

From their statements below, can you use the power of deductive logical thinking to help the police investigators determine which suspect robbed the Kum & Go?

Here are the statements from the five suspects:

Angel said: It wasn’t Elizabeth. It was Brandi.
Brandi said: It wasn’t Cheri. It wasn’t Elizabeth.
Cheri said: It was Elizabeth. It wasn’t Angel.
Dolly said: It was Cheri. It was Brandi.
Elizabeth said: It was Dolly. It wasn’t Angel.

Anyone who submits the correct answer might be entered into a fairly random drawing to possibly win either a $5 gift certificate to Kum & Go, or win a frozen box of Philly Steak* Hot Pockets.

Good luck and thank you for assisting local crime-fighters in solving yet another in a long series of convenience store burglaries.

*Nestlé USA, the company that produces Hot Pockets, announced last week that it is voluntarily recalling an unspecified number of ”Philly Steak” and ”Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese” Hot Pockets in certain sizes as part of a larger meat recall.

Hint to solving the crime: Only one of Brandi’s statements is true.

Local Trucker Inducted Into Guinness Book Of World Records For Saying “Bullshit” 312 Times In One Hour

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Truck Driver in Semi TruckWest Fargo, ND—Russell Hvordsenen of West Fargo, North Dakota has been inducted into the 2014 Guinness Book of World Records for mentioning the word “bullshit” 312 times in one hour. He nearly doubled the previous record held by a local truck driver Augvald Audgard from Dilworth, MN who has held this honor since 1981 with a remarkable 165.

When asking Mr. Hvordsenen how he felt about taking over the record from the previous record holder, it became quite apparent he is currently in training to beat his own record some time this year. Russell seemed upset at the fact that Guinness didn’t really give him anything besides some “bullshit piece of paper” when he was “really hoping to get some bullshit trip out of the deal or some bullshit like that at least. This is a bunch of bullshit.”

During that rant, he mentioned the word ‘bullshit’ an extraordinary 21 times in less than 45 seconds. Simply. Epic.

Wrapping up our conversation with Russell, we asked him what the motivation was this year to make such an impact on American Culture. After asking us if we were “some sort of bullshit communist or democrat” for driving a foreign car, he simply stated this:

“Well, the weather is bullshit, management is bullshit, the government is bullshit, the grocery store is bullshit with their bullshit. Did I mention mention management is bullshit? They don’t know nothin’ and in my opinion, that’s a bunch of horseshit.”

Horseshit? This could be real exciting. We will be watching Russell Hvordsenen in 2014 real close.

-via Mike Johnson, published with permission

FM-area convenience stores: “We are out of cash so please stop robbing us”

small-time crook

small-time crook

Fargo, ND—A long string of recent armed attacks on gas stations in our town has left tills and registers completely tapped. After Fargo endured yet another pair of convenience store holdups yesterday, the Observer has learned local stop n shops are officially out of money.

Store clerks want the city’s armed hoodlums to know they don’t have any more cash to fork over after being robbed, like, fifty million times.

South Fargo Petro Serve clerk Zelda Holdsclaw:

“We’re out of cash so don’t bother robbing us anymore. You guys took it all. Holding us up again would be a complete waste of your time.”

It would appear that area convenience stores have become easy targets for a quick smash-and-grab. Thankfully, with this new announcement, all that is about to change.

North Fargo Stop-N-Go store manager Randy Noisewater:

“Robbers have finally taken us for all we’re worth. It might be time for criminals to step their game up, take off the training wheels and start robbing banks for Pete’s sake.”

North Dakotans Live In A State Of Happiness

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Hiberspace is the new happy.

Fargo, ND – Gallup’s recent release of its annual “Happiest State” poll results has left many Americans dumbfounded to see North Dakota sitting in 1st place for 2014.  It is being widely reported that collective “Whaaaaa?” sounds can be heard from Pittsburgh to Portland as people scratch their heads trying to figure out where North Dakota is and what’s so happy about it.

However incredulous, Gallup has spoken.  Toppling the reigning champ, Hawaii, North Dakota now ranks as the happiest state in the union.  While the FMO sends out a mittened “high five” to our state and its citizens, even we have to wonder:  How the heck did that happen?

In an effort to understand how North Dakota could have ever stolen the happy crown from Hawaii (Really??), the FMO decided to ask local psychiatrist and self-proclaimed happiness expert, Johann Kronnesvoldervandersbjorg to explain.

FMO:  So, Dr. K., why in the world are North Dakotans so darn happy?

JK:  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I’ve recently discovered a phenomenon that occurs in some humans who live in absurdly inhabitable conditions like we experience here in North Dakota.  After years of being exposed to mind-numbing cold, prolonged sunlight deprivation and high levels of casserole consumption, human beings begin to enter a state not unlike hibernation.  I call it Hiberspace.

FMO:  Can you repeat that?  I was half asleep.

JK:  Listen closely now.  Just as the internet exists in Cyberspace, North Dakotans exist in Hiberspace.  The inner consciousness becomes completely unaware of the outside world and instead operates in a sort of euphoric dream state.  Awash in endorphins and dopamine from the excessive casserole intake, the human mind drifts along blissfully for months in order to survive the harshness of reality.  It’s really quite extraordinary.

FMO:  So, you’re saying we’re essentially bears?  Big, lumbering, loopy, grinning bears?

JK:  Well, that’s one way to look at it.  The point is that Hiberspace is an incredibly exciting discovery.  Just imagine the possibilities!  If humans can evolve to the point where they can find happiness in such utterly ridiculous living conditions as the bleak, frozen tundra of North Dakota, then theoretically true Nirvana should be a snap for say, a Floridian.  It’s all about tapping into that magical sweet spot between hopelessness and denial.  Therein lies true happiness.

FMO:  And, apparently, a casserole.

JK:  Indeed.

FMO:  Indeed.

The Queen Of England Wants Stonehenge Moved To Buckingham Palace

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Stonehenge to be relocated from Wiltshire to Westminster, by order of The Queen.

Wiltshire, England – Rumor has it that The Queen of England wants Stonehenge moved from the town of Wiltshire to the grounds of Buckingham Palace before she steps down from the throne.

John Thomas, an expert in English history, says that if that’s what The Queen wants, then it’s the right thing to do.

He explains: “It actually makes a lot of sense to move the Neolithic standing stones from Amesbury to London so that more tourists can easily see them.”

Some believe that the archaic attraction should even be refurbished along the way, since some of the stones that date back to 3000 BC are missing.

Once again, John Thomas: “The Queen, in all of her elegance, likes things to be maintained and proper. If she wants the circle of stones to be restored back to their full glory, then we shall make it so.”

UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera

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Sheriff Ben Dover says: This really happened! This here ain’t no hoax.

Perth, North Dakota – An amazing UFO sighting was caught on camera just outside Perth, in north central North Dakota.

Towner County Sheriff Ben Dover somehow captured this amazing image on his cell phone, while watching the UFO for about ten minutes, as he sipped an early morning cup of coffee.

Sheriff Dover said that he witnessed the UFO spacecraft use its tractor beam to pull up an old bi-plane that was sitting out in a farmer’s field.

Dr. Zak Neth of the National UFO Center: North Dakota has definitely been a hot-spot of UFO activity lately. However, the aliens who were sent to visit “Earth” might have mistakenly thought they were to visit “Perth”.

It's Ok To Be Gay On Valentines Day

Westboro Church States, “It’s Ok To Be Gay On Valentine’s Day.”

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It's Ok To Be Gay On Valentines DayTopeka, Kansas – In a weird turn of events, The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that it was Ok To Be Gay on Valentine’s Day.

Two men wrestling each other’s penises, the church states, is “OK on Valentine’s Day.”

This neat little jingle, Westboro Church hopes, will raise more homosexual awareness.

“We feel that it is Ok To Be Gay on Valentine’s Day and that all men who feel ridiculed or ashamed may all meet, here, at the Westboro Baptist Church.  You will feel safe and god will forgive your sins.  We will take real good care of you.”

We find it very odd that the Westboro Baptist Church would hold gay meetings.  The church has been very outspoken against gays even claiming that God Hates Fags.  They have picketed all over the United States preaching hate and negativity.

“We feel this will give the fags that god hates so much a chance to forgive their sins.  That is all.  There is nothing else going on.  I swear.  What?  Why are you looking at me like that?  I swear we just want to forgive the sins of fags because we care.  I’m serious.  Why do you have your hand on your forehead?  We hate gays.  I’m not gay!  Why are you laughing!?!” a church member stated.

Although we will never know, it seems there might be more than the eyes can see in regards to the Westboro Baptist Church.  Are we being trolled?  Are they for real?  Dare I ask if they themselves are gay?  These are the questions we need to answer.

Maybe the church is pulling one of the greatest trolling stunts in human history.