Miley Cyrus has violated a lot of objects over the past few months. However, there are a lot of objects Miley Cyrus has not gotten to yet.
these poodles
these witches brooms
this john deere tractor
this salt shaker
all of the marvel heroes
this power drill
miss piggy and kermit the frog
this battleship
this guy
this coffee maker
your grandma
and thank god she hasn’t got to this signed larry bird jersey yet
Angry flamingos go on strike
Flamingo Road, FL – Angered by the recent government shut-down’s effect on business at FlamingoLand, and the fact that Obamacare is only for humans and not for birds, hundreds of pink flamingos are threatening to go on strike.
One of our more avian FM Observers reported that: “Hundreds of these gorgeous birds are flaming mad and are seriously threatening to get the flock out of here. I haven’t seen anything like this since that massive cat fight at a Fargo strip club, that nobody ever goes to, but whose parking lot is always full.”
Apparently some folks driving by the flock are being flipped the bird, as a sign that these flamingos mean business and want to talk some turkey.
Grebance counselors are being bussed in from neighboring ponds in a last-bitch effort to curtail the strike. If the Flamingo Union’s demands are not met, they might file a formal grebance (the common legal course of action by birds in the Grebe Family).
Even though flamingos are usually non-migratory creatures, they are still threatening to fly the coop and take their colorful culture to pinker pastures, where being disrespected is the exception and not the norm.
The FM Observer is looking for Fargo-Moorhead’s cutest Halloween pet.
Dress your pet into their best Halloween costume and send photos to fmobserver@gmail.com.
Graveyards make great funparks
Fargo, ND – Authorities have decided to allow all local cemeteries to be used as paintball game areas. Although some citizens voiced very strong opposition to this move, the vote was unanimous to allow graveyard owners to make extra money by opening them up as paintball parks.
Other regions of the country have toyed with the idea, but the greater Fargo-Moorhead area will be the first to not only allow it, but actually encourage it.
Gene Maxling, who voted for it after he previously had voted against it, explains: “We think paintball enthusiasts from all over the nation will flock to Fargo to use our cemeteries as the ultimate paintball playgrounds.”
Connie Livingstone, who works as a city planner, says that everyone agrees that “cemeteries serve a singular function by providing a home for the dead, but these valuable acres really don’t see much action. By allowing paintball in cemeteries, it will give these wonderful areas a dual purpose.”
The president of the United States Paintball Association is ecstatic about Fargo’s recent decision. Toby Redding wrote on his blog: “We are very stoked that Fargo is opening up its graveyards to our increasingly popular sport. Having all those large headstones to hide behind will be super awesome. Once someone shoots you with a paintball, it will give new meaning to the phrase ‘You’re dead!'”
After picking up food from a McDonald’s drive-thru window, a pantsless 69-year-old Florida man allegedly tried to force a female employee to touch him as he masturbated in the front seat of his vehicle, police allege.
Steve Orville Clemons was at the drive-thru window of a Wildwood McDonald’s when the cashier “turned to him to give him his change.” At that point, the woman realized that Clemons was sans pants and was pleasuring himself.
Rambo mode
West Fargo, ND—Amidst a federal government shutdown which the GOP minority is pitifully and embarrassingly using as leverage to bully the Affordable Care Act’s initiatives/supporters into their corner, local police departments are suffering a shortage of warm bodies.
The West Fargo Police Department is especially short-staffed, as all but one officer has decided to stay home due to the freezing of budget assets.
Officer Kenneth Noisewater, in bold defiance of the government shutdown, showed up ready and rarin’ to go for his morning shift. “I may not get paid today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but i’ll be damned if i’m letting any juveniles smoke cigarettes or degenerate drunks speed down Main avenue in their rust-bucket F-150s after getting lit up at the Town Hall. Not on my watch! I’ll go Rambo on their asses if I have to.”
Noisewater stated implicitly that he’s ready to extinguish crime of all forms by himself if he needs to and that he’s “not to be jerked with” during the government shutdown. It would appear that this government shutdown is already starting to affect many people in a variety of ways.
Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs
La Push, Washington – For any man with man boobs, a new exercise has been specifically developed just for you.
As you may have seen, man boobs is a growing problem usually among middle-aged men. It affects everyone from some top pro golfers to the person possibly sitting next to you.
Luckily, some body physiology research scientists have come up with a new exercise just for you. It is called the Reptile Push-Up.
To perform the Reptile Push-Up, simply follow these easy directions:
In a standard push-up position, raise your right knee up until it touches your right elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten your arms out again. Straighten out your right leg back to the normal push-up position. This counts as one push-up.
Next, raise your left knee up until it touches your left elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten them out again. Straighten out your left leg back to the normal push-up position. This would be push-up number two.
By lifting a leg like a dog before performing a push-up, you shift more weight onto each arm in each repetition, which helps to build chest muscle more quickly and get rid of those man boobs.
After consulting with a doctor, work yourself up to 100 reptile push-ups in the morning right when you get out of bed and then do another 100 in the evening, probably just before supper.
We would love to hear about your success story if this post helps you get rid of your man boobs.
The worst of Fargo-Moorhead
Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.
Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.
Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.
There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.
Here are the categories for this year’s worst:
[form form-1]
Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.
Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.
Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.
But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.
State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.
Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.
In breaking news, scientists have literally discovered a gate to hell.
This fiery hole of death was found right here in a farm field north of Fargo, North Dakota. The farmer who farms the land was doing his regular gallop to check out his crops when he noticed in the middle of the field, light coming out of a hole. Farmer Joe got off his cow (he rides cows not horses) and walked towards the light.
“As I got closer I realized it was a fiery hole of death from hell! I ran back to my cow and rode him home, scared, and soaking with sweat!”
Farmer Joe contacted the local authorities who in turn contacted local scientists around the Fargo/Moorhead area. Five scientists were sent out the next day on their horses and confirmed that it actually is a legitimate gate to hell.
Could it really be? Scientists say they are absolutely sure. Fargo, North Dakota is a perfect spot for satan and his minions to open up a gate to hell, they say. With winter five months out of the year and wind and rain two months out of the year, the town is filled with pain, misery, and hopeless dreams.
Is Satan and his minions planning an attack? Using the gate to hell as a spawn point? Or will they use it as a recruiting tool? Or possibly a spot to sacrifice humans to please their leader? We don’t know for sure yet. Bill is trying to secure an interview with Satan himself but his assistants are being difficult dicks, he says.
Local authorities have blocked off all areas surrounding the hole from hell and stated they will arrest anyone who crosses the line or tries entering the hole.
Story is developing……