Category Archives: News

Corpses Exhumed Due to Salmonella Recall

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Fargo, ND – A complete idiot at the Food and Drug Administration’s Fargo branch mis-typed a recall order yesterday which resulted in dead bodies being exhumed at Riverside Cemetery in South Fargo. The dumbass, having heard of the Nesquik salmonella recall, engaged the recall crew with an emergency bulletin:

::SALMONELLA RECALL. PLEASE REMOVE ALL SALMONELLA::

Crews sprang to action by heading to the nearest cemetery to recall as many salmonella deaths as possible in the time allotted. Graves were dug up and crusty old body parts were flung all over the place during the frantic search. The bumbling FDA grave-robbers didn’t know exactly who they were looking for; only that they were told to recall the salmonella.

This move is being deemed a colossal blunder on the FDA’s part. Loved ones of the dead, having heard of this desecration of their friends’ and relatives’ graves, are expected to file swift legal action.

Walmart Blamed For Mitt Romney Loss Election 2012

Romney Loses By Landslide. Walmart To Blame.

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Washington, DC – The presidential election is finally over.  Obama wins by a landslide and will continue on being President of the United States for another 4 years.  However, new reports are coming in as to why Romney lost by such a landslide and Walmart is being blamed.

It is being reported that thousands upon thousands of stupid uneducated voters flocked to area Walmarts thinking that each and every one was an election polling station.  Some residents even drove hours upon hours to the closest Walmart only to find out that it was indeed NOT a polling station.  Walmart might offer everything, but not voting booths.

Once inside, voters went irate after learning that there were indeed no polling stations.  Trampling occurred like that you see on Black Fridays and multiple people have been hurt.  Two people reportedly shot.  However, this quickly passed as they realized they were in Walmart and could get 50 photo sticker prints printed of their ugly and repulsive baby for ONLY $3!!  What a deal!

Without all of these votes, no one will know if Mitt Romney could have won or how much more Obama would’ve beat Romney.

During the next election, Walmart plans on putting up 50ft tall bright neon signs stating that Walmart IS NOT A POLLING STATION in all Walmart locations.

Block 6 Building Reportedly Haunted

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Fargo, ND – Reports have been flying in regarding spiritual activity occurring at 620 Main Avenue, the first location of the old Delendrecies department store in Fargo. The building, which was built in 1894 by Canadian entrepreneur O.J. DeLendrecies, was recently renovated into an apartment and retail space in historic downtown. This renovation appears to have angered some spirits, as there have been reports of paranormal activity by some of the building tenants:

“The wind howls at times. These ‘howls’ are almost certainly the screams of the deceased.”

“Sometimes when I enter the building late at night, I can hear the door close behind me. A spirit wanted in, but was too slow to enter.”

“When you stand by the elevator and listen, you can hear it moving. Which floor is the spirit trying to get to???” 

“I take the stairs sometimes. When i’m descending the stairs I sometimes hear a door open and footsteps behind me, as if someone were following me. Then a door closes! You can’t tell me these aren’t ghosts.”

 

 

 

 

“If you put your ear to the wall, you can hear muffled voices and even showtunes playing. Sounds to me like the ghosts of past tenants still lurking.”

 

Do we have a haunted building on our hands? The Observer will let you be the judge. Come on over and see for yourself, if you dare.

West Fargo Police Pumpkin Humper Arrested

Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

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West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.

November 2012 EVENT CALENDAR: What’s Happening in November

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Fargo, ND – Here is a list of F-M Observer sponsored events and happenings taking place in the area this November.

Saturday, November 3:

PSYCHOGRAPHY: JOIN THE F-M GYPSY COALITION AS THEY LEAD YOU ON A JOURNEY THROUGH THE CAVERNS OF YOUR MIND. BRAVE UNCHARTED TERRAIN LYING DEEP WITHIN YOUR PSYCHE. 7:00 @ TEAMSTER’S UNION HALL. $20 ADMISSION. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Wednesday, November 7:

WINTERIZE YOUR SOUL: INSULATE AND APPRECIATE. WORLD-RENOWNED SPEAKER TERRENCE MADISON WILL OUTLINE HIS 3-POINT PLAN ON HOW BEST TO PREPARE FOR THE WINTER SEASON. LEARN HOW TO SHUN YOUR NEEDS AND PROCRASTINATE BETTER WHILE KEEPING LOVED ONES AT BAY. 7:30 @ RAMADA CRYSTAL BALLROOM. $75 IN ADVANCE, $90 THE DAY OF THE SHOW. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Saturday, November 10:

WINTER DRIVING COURSE: TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW AFTER ONLY 8 MONTHS?  JOIN OUR ANNUAL WINTER DRIVING COURSE SO YOU CAN RE-LEARN HOW TO SLOW DOWN WHEN THAT WHITE STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY (WHITE STUFF IS SNOW AND WINTER IS A SEASON WHEN SNOW FALLS) FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED IN ALL HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOTS.  FREE “MY KID IS NOT AN HONOR STUDENT” BUMPER STICKER.

Sunday, November 11:

GLADIATOR CAMP: CAMP WRAPS UP FOR THE YEAR. WE WILL BE HANDING OUT AWARDS FOR MOST VALUABLE SLAYER, MOST IMPROVED SLAYER, COMEBACK SLAYER OF THE YEAR AND OTHERS. RSVP VIA TWITTER @FMObserver IF YOU CAN OR CAN’T MAKE IT. USUAL SPOT IN THE FIELD NORTH OF HECTOR INT’L AIRPORT. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY F-M OBSERVER.

Friday, November 23:

FARGO ASIAN FESTIVAL: MUSIC AND MARTIAL ARTS.  FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED ON SHEYENNE STREET IN WEST FARGO.

CANNIBALS ANONYMOUS sessions are held, as always, every Tuesday and Thursday of the month. Details available HERE.

Thanks, and we hope to see you soon!

The Fargo DMV Is In A Terrible Location

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fargo_dmvFargo, ND – The DMV is the last place one wants to be…..ever.  I’d rather be swimming in pig shit than be waiting in line at the dmv.  If having to enter the gates of hell dmv didn’t make your life miserable enough, Fargo decides to stick the dmv between a bus stop and a temporary employment agency.  I’ll tell you why this is a terrible location and where the dmv should be located.

The DMV is a test to everyone’s patience in that if you don’t feel like murdering at LEAST 10 people by the time you walk out and get to your car, your visit is considered a success.  One of the reasons you may feel like a murdering psychopath after entering the gates of hell dmv is that they require you to pay them in ways 90% of society doesn’t fucking pay people anymore, CASH and CHECK ONLY.  Cash, ok maybe i’ll be a little lenient on this one because cash is cash.  Still, not many people carry cash anymore but checks?  Fucking checks?  That alone is a huge red flag that they are there to torment you into submission.  There are various other reasons the DMV sucks that I don’t have to mention but I think the polls are in and the consensus is….

THE DMV GOES TO THE GREATEST LENGTHS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO WASTE YOUR DAY.

Now onto the location.  The location of the Fargo DMV is immediately next to a bus depot.  That’s cool, buses are cool, what’s not fucking cool is shady people hanging around staring at you or your car.  So now not only do I have to worry about how bad the DMV will try and rape me I have to worry about possibly getting robbed.  Why not?  Seems like it would be pretty easy to break into my car, steal my Very Best of: David Hasselhoff cd, and hop on the bus to never neverland while I’m waiting inside ripping my eyes out wondering how long my ass will hurt.

Here is my proposal of where the location of the DMV should be.

Welcome to the Fargo DMV

The Fargo DMV should be located smack dab in the middle of a hospital and a shooting range.  This way, after leaving the dmv, you can walk right next door to the friendly hospital where they will repair your raped and mutilated ass for a small fee of 20 thousand dollars.  Next, walk on over the shooting range for some good wholesome target practice.  This will relieve your frustrations and send you home calm while forgetting the torment you just had to endure and the pain you are feeling in your ass.

Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 Years

Child Moves Out After 28 Years–In the Womb!

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Fargo, ND – In a story that has the scientific community completely baffled, Gary “Gum Gum” Jackson, a full-grown 28 year old man, decided to finally move out of his mothers womb.

It’s been 28 long, relaxing years but Gary has decided it’s time to fly the utero.  Gary has been freeloading it inside his mothers womb for a loooong time.  He has had a relaxing, stress free life.  Living expenses have been virtually nonexistent and he didn’t have to pay for food what with that umbilical cord channeling it directly into him and all. Mom’s giant hoop earrings even beamed a picture-perfect DirecTV satellite feed onto that giant chasm of a uterine wall.  The only inconvenience he had was his dad’s (or thought was his dad’s) penis jabbing at him every now and then.  That is a small price to pay for this kind of lifestyle.

The other day, ol’ Gum Gum decided he’d had enough and slithered out of that mushy crevice and into functioning society. With a shivery cry, Gum Gum was officially born unto the world. Gary doesn’t know what his future holds but said he has moved into his parent’s basement and plans to stay there for quite some time.  When asked what he won’t change now that he’s out, he replied, “Nude.  I’m going to stay completely nude.”

West Fargo High School Principal to Step Down and Pursue River Dancing Career

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West Fargo, ND – Gary Clark has been a member of the West Fargo school administration for a number of years now.  Soon this will come to an end as Gary Clark will step down to pursue his river dancing career.

For years, Mr. Clark’s skills as a world class river dancer have laid dormant as he pursued his teaching career.  These skills have gone to waste.  Nobody knew his talents.  Family, teachers, the very kids he taught had no idea of Mr. Clarks remarkable river dancing abilities.  As time would pass, Mr. Clark began feeling more and more restless.  Longing for something more, he knew he had a calling.  Over the past couple years Mr. Clark has been honing his river dancing skills in secret and he says he is ready to take the stage by storm.

Gary Clark seen here river dancing.

Effective May 23rd, Gary Clark will retire once again from the West Fargo School Administration to pursue his river dancing career.  He can be seen on the U.S. Riverdance Tour this summer and will be teaching private and party lessons after the tour ends.

 

free candy halloween fargo

Fargo Pedophiles Feeling Left Out This Halloween Season

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free candy halloween fargo

Why go here when you can go door-to-door?

It’s a somber, sad, and gloomy month for area pedophiles as Halloween is around the corner. Lately, you can see all their vans parked lonesomely in the shadows.

The beautiful month of October is upon us. Vivid colors of orange, gold, red, and brown leaves fall slowly to the ground.  The crisp cool air is a reminder that winter is near. Pumpkins, witches, and ghosts decorations fill the yards of area homes.

What a great and exciting month October is for us, isn’t for area pedophiles.  The Halloween season has been cutting into pedophiles pedophiling time.  Kids are no longer interested in talking to old creepy men offering free candy as they know at the end of the month, free pillow loads of candy await them.

Some area pedophiles have petitioned to allow their candy giving vans to be considered a house or place of residence on the day of Halloween. This will allow them to park up and down the streets in broad day light with signs such as, “Candy Canes For Wieners.”

Others have sunk so low as to not even offer candy anymore.  One area pedophile has started offering a Halloween costume fitting room.

This privately parked pederast can only gaze longingly as parents keep close guard of their children

We can only hope the pedophile business continues to suffer long after the month of October.  However, it will be interesting to see how they adapt in the future.  Police are urging parents to communicate with their children that Halloween costume fitting rooms are not located in vans and to stay away.

Official Mitt Romney Press Release

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Boston, MA – With the presidential campaign in full swing, Mitt Romney has made very significant strides as the Republican front-runner. He and his running mate Paul Ryan have made their share of gaffes, and yet they trudge on. Next up on the strategery list: the Romney camp has released a statement written by Mitt himself. We bring it to you verbatim, word-for-word:

What a wild ride it has begun so far. My campaign and my family have been working very hard on a considerable campaign. We have traveled the nation, listening to stories about possible voters and undecided voters and what they really need from our Government. Now, as you all know, there has been much skepulation regarding my tax formations. Let me just say this. I have pain taxes in every year of my income. My releases have been released. So now there is no mystery suspicion. We can move on. I am eager to fulfill my guarantee of jobs in my Presidency. The Romney Presidency will have jobs in 2013. This I can guarantee. President Brock Obama has led this country in the wrong path for the last 4 years. Now it’s my turn to lead this path. This is where the men become the boys. Join me, won’t you?

This seems to us like the Romney camp is making well-timed attempt at damage control following this week’s rocky, seemingly fact-less debate performance. That, coupled with this statement of clarification is all part of a larger effort to get this campaign back on the rails. Best of luck to you, Mitt, and may the best man win.