Category Archives: News

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

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Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!

Topless PETA mermaids protest fish murder

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Fargo, ND – This afternoon in downtown Fargo, two fearless PETA ladies dressed up as mermaids in the name of fish preservation. The Observer is glad to know that the dead geographical center of the North American continent is getting a stern warning against the consumption of seafood. Do the PETA babes not realize how far away we are from the sea? We couldn’t be any farther from the goddamn ocean, yet there they sat on the corner of 2nd and Broadway defending seafood.

Wait…don’t I sound like an idiot, bitching about topless women? Forget I said anything. It is highly likely i’m just bitter that neither of the women would let me hold their sign NOR would they autograph my favorite lobster bib.

Man Arrested In Moorhead Assault Says His Affliction Shirt Is To Blame

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Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.

Douchebag

Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.

Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.

Haaland might actually have a case.  Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.

Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime.  It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.

Hobo President Frank Donovan Kicks Off Re-election Campaign

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2241806636_0f670a2c80_bFargo, ND – The Commander-In-Chief of Fargo’s underground homeless community is making a strong push for re-election this November. Frank Donovan, or “Hobo Frank” as he is more affectionately known, is getting an early start on campaigning.

Frank’s primary campaign strategy includes scrawling a crudely-drawn picture of his face on balled-up pieces of paper he finds in streetside trash bins and pasting them to light poles using the remnants of an Elmer’s glue bottle he found in an art school dumpster. That, in addition to creeping up on passed-out alley drunks and stuffing re-purposed business flyers with the words “vote 4 Frank” scribbled all over the front and back into their gaping mouths.

What some of you may not know is that each American city’s hobo community contains a chosen homeless “mayor” if you will, who acts as a social liason between area homeless and functioning society. The hobo President earns his spot via a general election in which a designated trash receptacle acts as a ballot box that participating homeless voters must throw a piece of garbage into containing their:

  • REMEMBERED NAME (if you do not remember your actual name, you may put in your hobo nickname)
  • CHOSEN CANDIDATE (who you are voting for as hobo president)

The candidate with the most discernible hunks of trash with his name on it at the end of the election day (which ends the morning after, right before trash pick-up) wins the spot of President/Mayor. The actual functioning title of this prestigious honor is a mystery, as no one in functioning society has ever asked a homeless mayor his title. I don’t think the homeless know what it is either– purely speculation at this point.

It’s amazing, really, what goes on behind the scenes in the homeless community. Not many people are familiar with the hobo underground as their day-to-day activities are largely ignored by most. I know i’m guilty of this. Anyway, the Observer would like to wish Hobo Frank best of luck in the upcoming President/Mayor/Whatever the Hell It’s Called election. Vote 4 Frank!

West Fargo To Implement New Bike Lane Law Effective Immediately

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West Fargo, ND – Concerned West Fargo citizens held a town hall meeting last week that created enough concern, the West Fargo Police Department will implement a new bike lane law EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson, the neighborhood superhero, was riding his mountain bike early last week when he spotted an overweight child or “fat kid” riding a small motorized scooter on the bike path.  See picture below.

No Longer Allowed

What he just witnessed made Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson immediately reminisce about his childhood days where he actually had to physically push his scooter with his legs and feet such as the one below.  This involved an almost full body workout which, back in the day, believe it or not, was considered good for you.

A Real Scooter

Angry and concerned, Tim had to fulfill his superhero duties and call in a town hall meeting.  Here, the citizens heard Tim’s plea and all agreed.  No longer are fatkids allowed to ride motorized scooters on all West Fargo City bike paths effective immediately.

The police department would like to advise parents to have their overweight children use any transportation that actually involves physically moving your body to move it.  Like the scooter pictured above.  It also includes the overweight children themselves.  Meaning, have them walk.  No longer should you wheelbarrow them around, roll them from point a to b, or have them ride motorized scooters.

ANCHORMAN-Style Brawl Erupts in Motel 6 Parking Lot

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Fargo, ND – Taking inspiration from the 3 wise men (Jim, Jack, Jose) and the movie Anchorman (in which news teams do battle with weapons in a back-alley), a handful of drunks at the Motel 6 in Fargo went at it last night in the establishment’s parking lot. These maniacs each sported weapons-of-choice: construction tools and even one was said to have wielded a long gun. The lunatics waged war on each other like fucking Braveheart for a number of minutes until police arrived to break up the melee. Charges have yet to be filed and a number of the men were brought by ambulance to Essentia hospital with injuries.

No word yet on whether or not Paul Ryan’s lie-packed Republican National Convention speech had anything to do with the argument between the men. This reporter would like to blame the guys’ brawl and every other world issue on Honey Boo Boo, but the timing of Ryan’s speech and this story is too perfect to ignore.

NASA Roundup: What We Know About Mars So Far

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Pasadena, CA – Mission control for the worldly popular Curiosity on Mars excursion has released a preliminary report of the rover’s findings. These highly unclassified and somewhat opinionated documents provide detail on what NASA has already figured out about the Red Planet. Here are a few snippets:

  • The Curiosity rover has not yet floated away from the planet which leads us to believe Mars has a gravitational pull. Enough gravity, in fact, to keep rocks and Curiosity firmly grounded. 
  • Mars has rocks. Rocks all over the damn place. Many of them a burnt-sienna/reddish color. We will utilize Curiosity’s laser system to analyze the rocks for science. FIRST!
  • The Curiosity rover is a technological wonder. Fueled on nuclear energy, it contains enough self-propulsion to roam the Red Planet on its own for many months collecting data for our mission. Meanwhile, our Earth vehicles (cars) require extensive hands-on repairs and maintenance on a month-to-month basis just to get us to work and back.
  • No atmosphere on Mars. It would take a legion of Curiosity rovers to build an oxygen-containing biodome that might be sufficient in sustaining human life. This type of project is easily a lifetime in the making–our kids’ kids might live to see it happen, but will likely never afford the financial expense necessary to experience it.
  • Seems to be plenty of uninhabited territory here. Nothingness. This excursion is turning into a blatant misappropriation of government funding that could have easily went towards aiding the less-fortunate beings of the planet we currently reside on (Earth) instead of analyzing an enormous ball of red rock. No telling yet whether the government is planning to deport the nation’s homeless to Mars instead of providing more sufficient government aid for their disabilities and misfortune on the home front? Foreclosed-on families are living on the streets in America.

Curiosity will complete a two-year mission on the surface of Mars– tooling around, analyzing dirt and junk just to make sure nothing ever lived there. Pretty darn cool if you ask me.

Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, photobombs Mars Curiosity photo.

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Bigfoot is a name given to an ape-like creature that people believe inhabits forests in North America.  Scientists discredit the existence of Bigfoot due to lack of physical evidence.

Scientists can discredit no longer.

NASA and Mars Curiosity would like nothing more than to send back breathtaking photos of the alien planet.  Bigfoot will have none of that.  Mars Curiosity recently sent back an image from Mars that clearly shows Bigfoot deliberately photobombing.

CLICK TO VIEW Bigfoot photobombing a Mars Curiosity photo!

We know all too well that Bigfoot loves to photobomb here on earth but nobody knew the extent bigfoot would take to photobomb on another planet!

How they got there we have no idea but we can surely expect to see the believers release more photos of the suspected bigfoot in more photobombs.

Olympic Shame! Live Raping In Front of Large Audience!

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London – The Olympics is a sports tradition that dates back thousands of years.  It’s a great honor to be a part of.  That is, unless you are getting raped in front of a large audience.

That’s exactly what happened during an olympic wrasling match this past weekend.  The audience disgustingly just sat there, watched, and did NOTHING!  Nobody stepped forward to help these poor men.

It all started when the red guy started raping the blue guy as you can see below.  You can see the blue guy disoriented and in pain.  Struggling to free himself from the man on top trying to get into his manhole.

That’s not it however.  The blue guy gets his attacker off of his bum and in a weird and shocking turn of events, starts raping the red guy!  Was it revenge or was he turned on by being raped?  We will never know but he can be seen putting the heat on the red guy hard.

After the match, they were both seen weeping in their locker rooms.  The Olympic Committee will review these events and see if they will press charges.

In the announcers own words, “He was beaten up, battered…”  That he was.  That he was.

Area Homeless Angry Over Mars Rover Landing

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little bud

little buddy

Fargo, ND – What a world we live in! The nerds over at NASA and people across the globe watched as the last 10 years of astrophysics engineering came to fruition early this morning with the landing of the Mars rover, “Curiosity”. The last 10 or so years was a marathon of software computations, physics formulas and jet propulsion engineering which resulted in the placement of Curiosity smack dab in the middle of the Mars landscape.

This has the homeless community outraged. The needy are wondering why the hell the Salvation Army building downtown cannot afford central air conditioning but meanwhile, millions of dollars of federal grant money is being fed to a program dedicated to a planet millions of miles away from where our real problems exist: Earth. Moorhead-area hobo Trevor Sands had this to say during a protest outside of the Moorhead planetarium:

“I’m sleepin’ outside under a heap of shit-covered blankets in the winter because I can’t get health insurance to buy pills that keep the goddamn demons out of me. How much you think puttin’ some damn 4-wheeler on the surface of Mars cost? Probably a lot more than a year’s supply of demon pills, brother. Change? Spare change??”

Sands then showed me the devil carving on his forearm he made using a plastic butter knife that he claimed the “Mars buggy demons” are responsible for. The Observer wishes the homeless best of luck getting demon pill grant money during these trying times.