Category Archives: News

Cheney: There Is Nothing I Do Not Hate

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Washington, DC – In a recent interview, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney was asked his opinion about the upcoming presidential election prospects as well as past candidates. He speculated on Mitt Romney’s possible running mate as well as how big a mistake it was that McCain chose Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. He then proceeded to go off on a tangent that the Observer is not shocked to have heard about:

“Not only was the Palin choice a grave mistake, but so was my shooting that old codger in his face. I should have shot him square in the coin purse. And you know what else? Hunting is stupid anyway. So is American politics and as a matter of fact, for the life of me, at this very moment, there is not one SINGLE THING in this world that I do not possess an utter distaste for. Fuck your fat hairdo, fuck this room, fuck this chair i’m sitting on, fuck my out-of-control sodium intake and fuck everything else in the world because–who cares– i’m almost dead.”

The interview was said to have ended abruptly at that point as Cheney, after ferociously making his point, started grumbling and stormed out of the room. The Observer will be reaching out to the former VP for a follow-up on this very interesting character development.


Famed Downtown Fargo Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr– Robbed!

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Fargo, ND – A smelly-looking friend of the Observer is in need of some help. Pete Wrigley, Jr. (remember him from this article) came to the Observer with some rather troubling news–his float boat rust bucket was just robbed! A frantic Wrigley showed up at the doorstep of the FM Observer headquarters (The Empire bar) looking haggard. His brow wet with sweat. He yanked me off my barstool and exclaimed “Some random crackhead stole one of my kneeboards from m’boat!!” I couldn’t believe it.

The mood went from suspicious to somber in an instant. We both stormed outside and into the parking lot only to find Pete’s rustmobile sans one of his kneeboards. I knew right then that I had to enlist the help of our loyal readers. Please, study the picture above to get a good mental picture of Pete, his greasy hairdo, his creaky old vessel, and most importantly, his kneeboard. IF YOU SEE A RANDOM CRACKHEAD CARRYING AROUND A SIMILAR-LOOKING KNEEBOARD, NOTIFY THE OBSERVER IMMEDIATELY.

Red River Fargo Sex Doll Rescue

Red River Plays Sick Joke. Drowning Inflatable Doll Sparks 20 Man Police Rescue.

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Red River Fargo Sex Doll RescueFargo, ND – The Red River is back in the news again.  Not too long ago we reported the Red River being a dickhead and getting on the residents bad side. In a following story, the Red River and it’s residents made up and were adorably able to live with each other peacefully again. Well, the Red River has become bored because it’s back to fucking with its residents again.

The Red River of the Fargo-Moorhead area is back to its old self. This time playing a sick joke on its local residents and police.

20 Police officers were called on scene in Fargo, ND this Tuesday morning after a concerned witness said a lady was in distress in the Red River.

According to a local witness, this dramatic scene attracted over 50 spectators which were blocking and hindering police rescue attempts.

After 20 min of complete chaos, police were absolutely horrified. It turns out that they had not rescued a drowning female but in fact rescued an inflatable sex doll from the river.

A shocked crowd quickly dispersed upon seeing the  disgusting inflatable sex doll. Spectators were even seen covering the eyes of their children as to not witness the deflated and deformed sex doll’s breasts.

Following the rescue, police officers said they were forced to act on the rescue as the sex doll had a similar size and appearance of a real human female.

In an attempt to get back at the River, The Fargo Police were last seen trying to get a semen sample from the sex doll victim to see if the Red River had raped it.

I can only wait with anticipation what trick the Red River will pull on its residents next.

ankle_weights_red_river_valley_fair

One Man Comes To Conquer The Red River Valley Fair And…………

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West Fargo, ND – The Red River Valley Fair in West Fargo is a tough playground to stand out in.  People from all over dress their best in the efforts to stand out, possibly grind their naked genitals together, or become the latest homicide victim.

In the midst of all the back boobs, hooker shoes, tight cowboy jeans, cowboy shorts, and swass (sweaty ass),only one man can stand out.  And that man is……..this guy.

ankle_weights_red_river_valley_fair

“I lift wrist weights.  You wanna do me?”

This man is sporting some super cool board shorts.  Where he was before the fair I am not sure.  I can only guess he was pretending to surf some waves at the kiddy pool so I would definitely ask your kids if anything “out of the ordinary” happened.  The shorts are then complimented by a nice DC surfer jacket.  Again, probably riding some waves in the kiddy pool.  Check with your kids.  To top it all off, he is wearing wrist weights which were on his ankles earlier in the evening.  This is totally a baller move.  Wrist weights will get you the chicks and this guy knows it.

This guy eluded me two times while trying to capture his picture.  I was in the stands when I first spotted this creature.  He was walking casually by with his rockin’ ankle weights and was lost amongst the concert crowd.  Disappointed, I sat waiting, lurking, hoping for the chance to spot this creature again.  Then there he was, making his rounds again.  This time I ran down into the crowd to try and stalk this creature, gather research, but he eluded me yet again.  Not giving up, I left my position and walked around looking for him.  God was with me this day because as I was standing there drinking my beer that tasted like piss, he walked right past me.  Excited, I pounced on the opportunity and finally got my short video to provide you all with.  Prize will be awarded if you can correctly name this species.

As I was leaving the fair guess who was there?  It was ankle weight guy running around with children.  It completed my entire night.

So, I think it’s fair to say that this man came to conquer The Red River Valley Fair and……….. KICKEDFUCKINASS!!!!

Red River Valley Fair Concert Goer Still Dealing With PTSD Symptoms

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West Fargo, ND – The smell of vomit, stale beer, and body odor has passed.  The site of the latest fashion trends and best dressed citizens have all but moved on to the next fair or redneck gathering.  What hasn’t gone away is poor little Sarah’s vivid images and sounds she was a witness to on the night of JULY 13, 2012.

What Sarah is experiencing is a serious condition called Post-traumatic stress disorder. A type of anxiety disorder many concert and fair goers experience after the fair is long gone.

On this particular night, Sarah went to the fair with her ever loving parents.  After taking in the rides and playing some games, they went to see Jerrod Niemann who is supposedly a country music artist.

What happens next is explained in the picture below. Sarah was sitting there expecting to hear some decent music when this country music artist decided to break into a Bob Marley cover song.  Yes that’s right, a country music artist playing a Bob Marley song.  Sarah is seen in utter despair and crying as she tries to keep her ear drums from exploding.  Her parents comforted her and tried to cheer her up but it was no use.  Sarah had to sit in terror through the rest of the concert.

 

Treatment of PTSD has a pretty high success rate.  Hopefully poor little Sarah can recover before next years grand stand headliner who is reported to be “The rapper who can literally crap out of his mouth,” Drake.

Hole In Ground Available For Rent In Fargo

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Fargo, ND – A property management company has decided to get innovative and cutting edge with their leasing options. An apartment complex on 9th Avenue Circle in Fargo has completely filled vacancy inside the actual building, and with business booming, decided that it would be stupid to deny eager residents the option to rent at their fantastic homes. So, they did what any savvy company would: they tore a hole in the ground and stuck a sign next to it. “For Rent” the sign reads, and at a steal of a deal: this sod-walled studio apartment is available for only $599/month! Comes equipped with big long orange extension cord for unlimited electricity, curbside garbage pickup, flimsy orange caution fence for privacy, and pets are required as many disgusting wild animals already inhabit this tiny dent in the earth. Call now before it’s gone!

Cops Crash Bachelorette Party Posing As Strippers

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Fargo, ND – Local on-duty uniformed police officers were reported to have had a little fun at the expense of a bachelorette party over the weekend. Two Fargo police spotted a party bus parked outside the Old Broadway night club in downtown Fargo and decided to take action. They called in a 10-69 which is cop code for “accost a group of drunk bachelorettes with the magic of sexy dance”. The officers received a hearty 10-4 from the girls, as they were welcomed with open arms, laughs and smiles all while the girls shot questioning glances at one-another trying to figure out who the culprit was that called these hot chunks of man-meat! The women had their fun with the cops; gyrating against bullet-proof vests as the 2 fun-loving protectors of the common good danced provocatively & collected dollar bills inside their utility belts.

The police, after a rousing ovation from the party bus, took some photos and left to spend their hard-earned tip money on coffee as they were set to begin the night shift.

West Fargo Giant Weiner Hairdo

New Hair Style Sweeping the FM Area This Summer

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West Fargo, ND – What is coming out the back of your head?  That’s the first question local bar patron asked when he saw something long and pointing at him from the back of a women’s head.

A new hair style is sweeping the FM area and it’s being nicked named the “Giant Wiener.”  After days of exhausting and extensive research, we were able to produce the picture below to explain how it got it’s name.

Giant Wiener Hair Style

This new summer fashion trend is hot and catching on.  Young women and young adults have started wearing their hair in a style that resembles one big giant wiener.

So girls, throw out your old styles and rethink your wardrobe, the giant wiener is hot, in, and ready for summer!

This is a MUST HAVE!!

 

Tomato Plant Bombs Causing Fear of Terrorist Activity

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Fargo, ND – The recent string of tomato plant bombs in the downtown Fargo area has certain business patrons and residents on high alert. These tomato plant buckets have been popping up in random locations on sidewalks throughout downtown, much to the dismay of your typical god-fearing terrorist-hating American. What is the purpose of the tomato bucket, you ask? Well it’s just a free-for-all plant care initiative that you or I can participate in. You water the tomato plant if it looks dry & pluck a tomato off the vine to keep as a reward for your efforts. Simple. But, alas, fearmongers are having a difficult time accepting & understanding the unknown. Downtown resident Kenneth Noisewater shared his ridiculous concerns with the Observer:

“These plant bombs only LOOK harmless on the outside. Anybody could put an actual bomb inside the soil. This is NOT acceptable. Surely a deadly terrorist tool disguised as a friendly gimmick by a member of an elite group of war bandits.”

Mr. Noisewater went on to remind the Observer that you “don’t just leave baggage unattended at an airport” and that the same principal applies to the tomato plants. I tried to bring Mr. Noisewater closer to one of the plants to help alleviate his concern, but he backpedaled and accused me of being a “cold-blooded terrorist”. Sigh. Oh well….let’s not let one fearmonger ruin a perfectly good summer idea.

Drunk Packer Fan Hits Street In Style

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Fargo, ND – A drunk Green Bay Packer fan (is there any other kind?) recently awarded a quiet nighttime Fargo street corner with more than it could handle. The Packer fan, let’s call him “Drunken Rodgers”, had himself quite a journey last night. He traversed a number of intersections on foot, jaywalking the entire time like a blind two-year-old barely making it to the corner grass of what would become the unluckiest slab of lawn in the entire city. Evidently, Drunken Rodgers stuffed his bulbous gut full of enough Leinenkugel’s and cheese curds to make the journey home quite impossible.

Street crews were seen this morning re-sodding the corner grass patch in an effort to completely disinfect the intersection. Damage is said to be in the millions.