Are You A Loser?

Are You A Loser?

Are You A Loser?

Loser Creek, Missouri – Have you ever wondered if you’re a Loser?

Ever honestly wondered if your personality categorization might not quite make it into the normal range?

The U.S. Federal Census Bureau has come up with an easy self-test that you can do in private to see how you stack up with your neighbors.

Dr. Herman Nanna, Ph.D. has crunched decades of national census data down into one simple little quiz so you can determine if you are currently a Loser.

Warning! If your test results should indicate that you fall into the Loser range (1-49), this is not necessarily a permanent condition.

There is a wonderful 12-Step program available to Losers that can be explained to you at your local L.A. meetings (Losers Anonymous).

–How To Find Out If You’re A Loser–

Grade yourself in each of the following categories:

(1 is the least, and 10 is for the most)

On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how awesome would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how funny would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how happy would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how helpful would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how honest would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how low-maintenance would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how optimistic would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how polite would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how smart would you say you are? ___

Using a calculator, add up all ten of your above scores.

How to interpret your test results:

1-49…Sorry to say, but you’re a loser.
50-74…You’re OK, but there’s much room for improvement.
75-89…You are exceptionally normal and have potential.
90-100+…You are totally awesome!

There’s no need to report your score to the government, because “they” already know who you are, what you are, and where you are – at all times.

Area Cats Tripping On Acid

Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Fargo, ND – Just as many local residents have long suspected, a recent survey has shown that many cats in the Fargo-Moorhead area are taking LSD on a daily basis.

Ms. Caramella Brandybuck of the National Feline Drug Taskforce is reporting that acid (LSD) has been pouring into our area from Minneapolis. The main kingpin drug lord responsible for the illicit trafficking has been a cat who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty (click on pic to see Mr. Kitty).

Caramella says that “Mr. Kitty and his organization have not only been bringing the drugs in, but have also set up quite an elaborate distribution network and have gotten many cats hooked on daily usage.”

If you’ve been thinking your cat has been acting abnormally odd of late, this newly available information might be very beneficial in helping spread awareness of this latest disturbing trend.

How can you tell if your cat is tripping on acid? Similar to humans, cats will sit and stare for hours with large dilated pupils, then suddenly jump sky high and totally freak out!

During acid trips, you may not see your cat(s) for daze on end. Hallucinations are very common, some of which they will try to attack as threatening phantom menaces.

If you ever try to stroke your cat while it is tripping out, or even give it a massage, and the reaction you get is not quite what you’d normally expect, your cat may very likely have its head in the clouds, while seeing you through a kaleidoscope.

Some creative cats have even learned how to scam the system and receive monthly social security checks to help finance their new-found favorite substitute for catnip.

If you think your cat is tripping on acid, please do not hesitate to call the National Feline Drug Taskforce at 1-800-CAT-TRIP.

NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’

National_Security_Agency.svgWashington, DC—Reports that the National Security Administration is pulling our phone records have been met with serious outcry over whether or not this action infringes on American citizens’ right to privacy.

In response, the NSA is playing damage control by stating that it’s already getting sick of reading all the poor grammar and typographical errors contained in the many thousands of texts, facebook statuses, tweets and blog entries it’s been reading and that it will probably unfollow you guys really soon.

“Jesus Christ, people. It’s YOU’RE, not YOUR. It’s not THEIR, it’s THERE for crying out loud.” White House spokesman Josh Earnest said.

Earnest went on to say that the classified government initiative PRISM never expected to encounter such a tremendous amount of useless information coupled with lackadaisical grammatical proofreading and that going forward, those two factors combined would ultimately render our typed conversations both useless and unreadable.

“On behalf of the NSA and the Obama administration, i’d like to formally demand that you guys figure out who/whom, they’re/their, your/you’re among other irresponsible typos or we are going to unfollow all of you on twitter. I’m being serious.”

 

Minivan Fargo

Why It’s Ok To Drive A Minivan

Minivan FargoFargo, ND. – The stereotype of driving a mini van is still live and well in 2013.  Whether you’re a soccer mom or a father with multiple kids, people who see you driving the minivan know your dignity as been ripped from your soul.

ALL THIS…..NOT TRUE!  You know what?  Minivans rock and here are some reasons why.

Manual Doors Are For Pussies

Who wants manual doors in the year 2013?  The convenience of having automatic doors is second to none.  Less effort and it makes you feel like a king. Pfft…manual doors!  Whatever!  Make the minivan work for you not with you.

 

Can Haul Anything

A minivan is so spacious that it can literally haul anything.  Throw all your ugly stinky shit in the van for a weekend camping trip while hauling a boat!  Then take that ugly shit out after the automatic doors open up for you.  If you’re a serial killer, you could probably haul 15 bodies up in that thang.

 

Not Giving  A Shit

Nothing smells of a manly man like driving a minivan.  It shouts, “I literally don’t give a shit that I’m driving this minivan.”  Who doesn’t flock to that confidence?

 

Room To Go Out Drinking

All your friends are over and want to go out.  Problem is, they all have cars.  Not you.  You have a minivan because you’re awesome.  You can fit 7 people in there comfortably.  Your ‘uncool’ minivan suddenly became ‘cool’.  But you already knew you were cool……because you drive a kickass minivan.  A minivan with a sweet dvd player.

 

Not A Cop Magnet

Cops don’t look to pull minivans over.  Look around next time you see people stopped.  Is it ever a minivan?  No.  No it’s not.  Minivans usually contain more then one kid and kids carry cooties and sometimes smell of fecal matter.  Cops don’t want none of that.  They don’t want ANY of that.

 

Can Certainly Have Sex In A Minivan

This had to make the list because you certainly CAN have sex in a minivan.  It’s so roomy it’s possible.  Then later down the road you already have a minivan to haul your newly born kids around in.  The minivan you had sex in a year before.

 

Viva La Minivan!

Fargo Bathroom Swordfighting

Jim Briton Is The Best Bathroom Swordsman in Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo Bathroom SwordfightingFargo, ND – Bathroom sports are a daily thing and Jim Briton is the best of it all.

Years and years ago, Jim Briton was too young to play bathroom swords with all the other folks.  But after growing up and practicing on his own on a daily basis, he is now the best bathroom swordsman in Fargo-Moorhead.

Being able to practice bathroom swordsmanship on my own all these years has really given me the advantage over the others as my mother would always clean up after me.  Large sporting events bathrooms are the best place to show my skills.  Many men want to challenge my piss swordfighting skills and I gladly take the challenge.  They usually walk out of the bathroom battered and beaten I’m that good.

How did you get interested in bathroom swordfighting?  “Well, I got bored just pissing straight into the toilet.  I’m standing there holding my piss pump thinking there’s got to be more to it than this.  That’s when I started challenging others around me to a swordfighting match.”

Since walking into bathrooms all over the city, Jim Briton’s career has soared.  Everybody knows him.  Everybody fears him.  There is no bathroom swordsman Jim can’t handle.

Just last month Jim Briton beat over 100 men in bathroom swording and the numbers are rising.

I’m on a roll and nobody can stop me.  It’s a great feeling.  I’m continually improving my bathroom swordfighting skills and I feel confident I can walk into any bathroom and beat anyone I wish.

Jim Briton is sure to reach an all-american bathroom swordfighting status soon.  Keep an eye out for Jim in the Fargo-Moorhead area.  This local celebrity could be pissing right next to you.

 

 

Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi

Goat Boat Woman

Goat Boat Woman

Pilottown, LA – Miss Hazel Brown of Pilottown, Louisiana is about to attempt the unattemptable. Miss Brown (Miss is short for Mississippi) has been preparing to navigate all 2,320 miles of the Mississippi River in a simple wooden boat, with only one paddle, and she will be taking her goats along with her for company. Her hometown friends and neighbors have started calling her the “Goat Boat Woman”.

At 88 years young, Miss(issippi) Brown worked as a high school guidance counselor for 50 years where she guided students down the river of life. Her avocation has always been studying maps, as both of her parents were professional cartographers.

When asked how she decided to do this, she said: “T’was always our plan to do this ever since I was younger, but we seem to’ve procrastinated it a bit now, haven’t we? Well, better late than never, as they always say!”

Hazel’s journey will take her and her caprine (goat-like) friends along or through 10 different states and 128 towns. “As a long-time map lover, I know the route very well.”

The Goat Boat will begins its trip at the river’s source which is Lake Itasca, Minnesota, where the elevation is 1,475 feet above the Gulf of Mexico.

As an amateur cartographer, Hazel knows the first town they will pass by in each of the 10 states:

1. Bemidji, Minnesota
2. Prescott, Wisconsin
3. Lansing, Iowa
4. Galena, Illinois
5. Hannibal, Missouri
6. Wickliffe, Kentucky
7. Tiptonville, Tennessee
8. Osceloa, Arkansas
9. Tunica, Mississippi
10. Waterproof, Louisiana

Their big adventure will hopefully culminate with a big celebration at the mouth of the Mississippi, which is her hometown of Pilottown, Louisiana in Plaquemines Parish at elevation zero.

When asked about dams, Hazel said there’s no need to swear. (Apparently, her three sons will coordinate the portaging of Hazel’s Goat Boat around any dangerous dam-type situations.)

When asked what they will eat, Hazel is hoping that local riverside church groups that she has contacted will bring her small cardboard boxes with some “surprises” in them. For the goats, she says they pretty much eat anything, including broad-leafed plants, any parts of trees, and of course, they love cardboard boxes.

Former Small Town Drug Dealer Living Big City Dream

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Livin’ the dream!

Mapleton, ND—Who said you had to be asleep to live the American dream? That’s baloney! A small-town meth dealer from Mapleton, North Dakota who goes by the street name “Bizznatch” has taken his talents to Minneapolis to pursue his dreams of becoming a drug kingpin.

Bizznatch started his underground meth ring during the early 2000s via a homemade meth lab built in his deadbeat parents’ garage. It was a fly-by-night operation at first. Bizz started pushing one rock here and two rocks there, but as word got out about his penchant for dope slangin’, business picked up. That’s when he knew he really had something to offer.

“I learned math in high school and always had a salesman mentality.” he states. These skills are a valuable commodity in the world of drug dealing. “I trusted nobody and kept my head on a swivel, always looking over my shoulder. You gotta be paranoid in this business.”

His homeboys always knew Bizznatch had what it takes to hit the big time. “Bizz never took no shit from nobody. He always on top of his game.” said his homie C-Slaw. “He slang the rocks like no other.”

Bizznatch soon moved out of his parents’ garage and into his own shitty, run-down meth trailer on the outskirts of town. It was there that he started proliferating his empire.

“I made some real business connections. Loads of cash started coming in. My operation outgrew my meth shack in a hurry. That’s when I knew my 8 cell phones, 47 security cameras, 5,000 pet spiders and I would have to move on.”

meth

toxic rock

Bizznatch loaded up his windowless van and headed east to Minneapolis in 2011. He set up shop in a downtown-area loft and hasn’t moved since. No…seriously. He hasn’t been outside in over two years. Nowadays, he remotely manages a legion of cookers and street pushers via a series of cryptic text messages while the jack continues to roll in. Life is good. He looks back fondly on his early days and says he’ll never forget where he came from.

“Starting out small like that really keeps a drug lord humble. I still remember my first meth sore like it was yesterday…cooking rocks and huffing formaldehyde in my dad’s garage. Man, what a ride.”

Not Giving A Fuck

Local Middle Aged Man Just Stops Giving A Fuck

Not Giving A FuckFargo, ND – “Hi, I’d like to buy a pair of fucks, please.” “Sorry. Fresh out, bitch.”

A local middle aged Fargo man has been found to have stopped giving a fuck.  The reason behind such a decision is still a complete mystery.  However, due to the FM Observer’s top notch reporting efforts, I was able to not only find this unique man but speak with him as well.

Rodger is a middle aged man from Fargo, ND.  He has two children and a wife.  He seems to be happy and positive.  Full of life.  He still is today but even more so after he just stopped giving a fuck.  See, Rodger says he woke up one morning and wondered why he gave a fuck.  That day he wore his pajamas all day and it all made sense. “I’m not going to give a fuck anymore” he thought.

“What else were you thinking during this time?” I asked.

“Well, it all just came to me pretty quick.  For one I realized I could die at any fucking time.  Then I realized how many douchebags there are everywhere I look.  Ya know?  I mean, then I looked at gas prices, listened to some psycho politicians on the tv and radio, and also thought about how everyone else thinks they know what’s better for you even though they don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about, it got me thinking.  I’m sitting here wondering why I give a fuck about getting raped in the ass everyday by everyone else.  It’s a losing battle, so why give a fuck?  My ass is going to hurt regardless if I care or not.”

“Today Bill, is the day I don’t give a fuck!  It’s glorious! I pissed on the floor by the toilet a little bit today.  Didn’t clean it up.  Why?  Cause I don’t give a fuck.  A grammar nazi corrected my ‘imperfect’ grammar today.  I told him I didn’t give a fuck and slapped him across the face.  Punched a very ugly baby that wouldn’t stop crying.  It totally shut him up.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Rode my bike in normal traffic and at my own pace.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Took a shower nude outside with the hose.  Neighbors were around but I didn’t give a fuck.”

“Not giving a fuck is a good lifestyle choice for me Bill and I’m sticking to it.”

Roger is an interesting case.  Maybe we should follow the ‘not give a fuck’ strategy of Rogers as it seems to be working well for him.

After interviewing Roger, I saw him walking away with a beer in hand, skipping, and yelling out “fuck yea” across traffic.  Said he was going to go take a dump at the closest government building and not in the bathroom.

We wish him well!

Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys

Tickets too expensive!

Tickets too expensive!

Fargo, ND – The much-anticipated Justin Timberlake concert that was to be held in Fargo in February 2014 has been cancelled due to high ticket prices. Fargodome officials are planning on making the announcement later this week.

The concert, which was to happen on February 7, 2014 at first seemed like a great fit for the Fargo-Moorhead area. “Since most friendly folks here have televisions, they’ve seen Justin Timberlake on various broadcast shows such as Saturday Night Live and feel like they know the guy.” said Greg Chambers of the Fargodome staff.

“When it was announced that the ticket prices were going to cost upwards of $800 per person, our jaws dropped to the floor as our eyes began filling with water. We knew this was going to be a big problem.”

Since North Dakotans are used to paying less than $75 per ticket to see a good performance, they knew a “Plan B” would need to be quickly devised. After much behind-the-curtains scrambling to find a replacement for the Justin Timberlake concert, a suitable alternative has now been found.

Barrel of monkeys

Barrel of monkeys

Miss Wenhoi Gao from Vietnam and her travelling Barrel of Monkeys will be entertaining the crowd on that night. Her agent and husband, Mr. Gao,  commented that “these monkeys very very funny and fun to watch! Miss Gao train monkeys to do many tricks and stunts, whole family will like, you buy ticket and come see!”

Tickets for this great event will be $5 for children, $10 for seasoned citizens, and $15 for adults. Mr. Chambers feels that these prices are much more in-line with the pocketbooks of people from this region. “Would you rather have a few people paying $800 to hear some silly songs or have the Fargodome completely full of people who get to see some monkeys do their thing for an average of $10 per ticket?”