CLASSIFIED FINDINGS REVEALED
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If Jesus Was Stuck In A Swamp Would You Save Him?
Share with everyone if you would!
If Jesus was stuck in a swamp would you save him?
Goat Yelling For Bob – LOST FOOTAGE
Bob and Ed have lost it. Here is some lost footage of the goat yelling for Bob.
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Trucker Breaks Guiness World Record Clogging Toilets In All 50 States
Richmond, VA – Trucker Randy Burton has made history in one of the grossest ways possible. Mr. Burton has plenty of time to think about life while on the road, and recently, he let his crazy thoughts get away from him while on the john. Early on in the spring he pondered to himself, “I’m about to absolutely destroy this toilet here in Alabama. I could probably demolish a toilet in Arkansas tomorrow. If I really dedicate my ass to this, I could decimate a toilet in every state in America!”
Randy, you could not be more correct. So right on, in fact, that the good folks at Guiness took notice and made Randy’s toilet trek worthwhile by awarding him the world record for slaying “50 Johns, 50 States, in 50 Days”. Congratulations Randy, you big nasty bastard.
Sting Operation At Dog Park Results In Arrest
Public fornication
Fargo, ND – The police K-9 unit in Fargo, acting on an anonymous tip, recently enacted a sting operation resulting in an arrest at the dog park on 45th Street in Fargo.
The tipster, who shall choose to remain anonymous, informed police that he or she witnessed many acts of public lewdness and fornication occurring at the 45th Street doggie harem. Canines were reported by the informant to have been copulating each other in the act of “doggystyle” publicly, in broad daylight. The horror!
Fargo police, acting on this tip, promptly sent in a member of their K-9 drug-sniffing unit dressed as a prostitute to try & nab one of the alleged pervert pups. The K-9 hung it out there, and one of the dogs went for it almost instantly. Police crashed the sex party and arrested the drooling canine on the spot, citing “public indecency” among other charges.
Chalk up a victory for the Fargo Police Department for bringing another sex-crazed pervert to justice.
West Fargo Police Searching For Elusive Asian Nudist
West Fargo, ND – One small Asian man is causing quite the ruckus in our growing city of West Fargo, North Dakota and people have started to call the police.
The West Fargo Police Department have stated that they are looking for a nude man who has been showing up all over town. Several people have called the police department in the last couple months about the nudist running through fields, random backyards, and in one instance, going down slides at random city parks. Ouch. That has to hurt.
Officers have had absolutely no luck finding him and have no idea who this man is. He is simply too elusive. I would like to name him “The Asian Nudist Ninja” if that is ok?
Police will continue to look for this individual but would like to state that since Asians have such small penises, it is very hard to arrest The Asian Nudist Ninja with indecent exposure because he technically isn’t “exposing” anything.
Please keep an eye out. If you see a nude man running wildly through your back yard, jumping fences like a gazelle, you are asked to please call the West Fargo Police Department.
Fargo To Crack Down On Small Businesses
Fargo, ND – Small business owners, and by small business I mean panhandlers, will have to take their business elsewhere.
Panhandlers have been filing business license applications in records numbers lately in the hopes to become their own small business. The panhandling profession has become very profitable in the Fargo area and citizens are growing concerned.
On Monday, city commissioners voted unanimously to expand a city ordinance that bans panhandling in Fargo. Recently there have been a growing number of complaints and concerns of these small business owners lurking on street corners and medians all around Fargo asking and begging for money.
I went and spoke with one small business owner who was lurking on 13th ave and 45th ST. and asked him what he thought of the new ordinance.
“I need grocery money man. I also need video games, leopard print underwear, and cognac. It’s hard being a business owner and I’m out here just trying to keep the business afloat. This new ordinance could put hardworking people out of business!” he said.
Another panhandler stated, “What am I going to do if I’m put out of business?!? I’m going to have to come back out here and ask for even more money! What is wrong with this country!!”
Meanwhile, you will be seeing signs such as the one below on busy street corners and intersections in an attempt to remind people not to feed the animals….er…….panhandlers.
Pair of lungs or some other organ found on LA sidewalk
Los Angeles, CA – Sunday evening, authorities received a call to investigate what was reported to be a pair of lungs stuck to a south Los Angeles county sidewalk. With a veritable frenzy of visceral criminal activity sweeping the nation these days, the presence of (human?) lungs on a sidewalk does not surprise this reporter one bit. The Observer has no doubt that a backyard organ transplant went awry, causing the “doctor” to toss the ineffective organs out a moving car window. But what became of the body? Was the failed transplant victim’s corpse chopped up & stuffed down the drain? Is human life no longer sacred to us?? Will I become King of America someday?? Will the Cubs ever win the world series??? These are the burning questions.
The organs were turned over to the county coroner for examination. The police could not be sure if they were actually lungs or possibly a discarded placenta. The Observer is anxiously awaiting the coroner’s report.
LeBron James grateful for another shot at losing NBA Finals
Miami, FL – NBA MVP LeBron James has once again, for the 2nd straight year and 3rd time in his career, led his team to the NBA Finals earning yet another shot at despair and failure. King James has been terrific throughout his career at playing well when it doesn’t count and putting up fantastic numbers pretty much always, except during clutch moments. This upcoming finals series will prove no different, as James is poised to make it 3-for-3:
“I’ve been here before. I know what it takes to lose. Instead of being the man in a clutch moment, I plan on deferring to a random teammate. I’m going to push hard for D-Wade to make things happen. Playing the role of decoy is what works for me and guarantees a series loss for my team.”
King went on to predict that his Heat would hang with the Thunder for “maybe 5 or 6” games, but if it went the full 7 he thinks they would definitely get blown out. We wish the best of luck to both teams as the first ever NBA Finals battle between two weather patterns gets underway this Tuesday.
Naked Young Bird Found Dazed and Confused
West Fargo, ND – Junior, a young bird from West Fargo, was seen this afternoon looking dazed and confused, lost, and completely wrecked. He was also not wearing any clothes.
I tried to talk to him but it was no use. He couldn’t understand a damn word I was saying. He just looked at me with a very confused and puzzled face.
Finally I was able to locate his parents nearby who have been looking for junior since this morning. I found out he left with some friends last night to go “learn nest building skills” but never returned home. After taking one look at junior this morning it’s pretty evident that they went out and got totally shit faced.
Junior was last seen stumbling back home guided by his pissed off parents.
Although I would have loved to hear Junior’s crazy stories from last night and why he was found not wearing any clothes, he was at least found which makes for a great ending to a story on a Friday.