March Is National Eat More Vegetables Month

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Mr. Vegetable does not like being called a vegetable.

Fruita, Colorado – With March being National Eat More Vegetables Month, we decided to turn our focus on these frabjous fruits from the garden.

Healthy diets seem to always include more vegetables. First Lady Obama even has Secret Service agents growing them in her own back yard garden.

National vegetable expert Jarod Kintz has studied vegetables from every angle and has some unique and insightful thoughts on these colorfully green garden growths.

“My search was fruitless. I was searching for love, and all I found were vegetables.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: Love Quotes For The Ages).

“Asparagus is the serpent of the vegetable world.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: This Is The Best Book I’ve Ever Written, And It Still Sucks).

“Vegetables come from the ground. So does my love. Eat it raw.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: The Titanic Would Never Have Sunk If It Were Made Out Of A Sink).

“Let’s make love in a garden, like a couple of vegetables.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: Love Quotes For The Ages).

“If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: This Book Is NOT FOR SALE!).

“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: I Want).

And finally, one non-vegetable bonus quote from Jarod Kintz: “I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.” JarodKintz.com.

Sales Exec Serves As Lookout During Illicit Video Playback

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Picture courtesy of Getty Images and FOX’s new movie, Unfinished Business, in theaters March 6th

If you want to have childish fun at work, you better make sure you don’t get caught. That’s the risk you take when you watch fail vids and barf vids during business hours.

In order to combat this risk, you need to take the proper precautions.

Sales executive Dan Trunkman was given the hefty responsibility of keeping an eye on the hallway as they all watched a hilarious barf video on YouTube. “One of us needs to serve as lookout while we watch. Dan, it’s your turn,” said lead marketing analyst Shalli McSkeetle.

“There’s a lot on the line here. If anyone catches us watching this video, we’re in deep shit,” Dan says. “I can keep my right eye on the barf vid and at the same time, keep my left eye on the hallway. It’s an invaluable skill, my man.”

Dan went on to say that he’s honing his lookout skills for this year’s March Madness tournament. He’s expected to be on hallway lookout for two straight days while the gang watches basketball online.

Phone Call Bails Area Man Out Of Face-to-Face Conversation

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Picture courtesy of Getty Images and FOX’s new movie, Unfinished Business, in theaters March 6th

The awkward drudgery of interpersonal small talk was brought to an abrupt halt today for one area man. Mike Pancake was nearly out of things to talk about with his rambling co-worker Randy when the gods finally smiled upon him: His phone rang.

Mike could hardly contain his joy as he felt the vibration in his pocket. “Excuse me, Randy, I have to take this,” he explained as Randy’s incessant mutterings trailed off.

“Dude, you freaking saved me. I was about to pull Randy’s face off like Geena Davis did to hers in Beetlejuice,” said Mike to his savior, while a sullen Randy stared off into space.

“I swear if you get within 8 feet of Randy’s desk, you get sucked into a weird conversation every time. He’s like a human black hole.”

FM Observer To Begin Series Of Area Restaurant Reviews

Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Fargo, ND – By popular demand, the FM Observer will soon begin a series of restaurant reviews of all your favorite (and non-favorite) eateries in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Just as Fargo police drunk-driver checkpoints are unexpectedly random, so too will be our restaurant reviews.

To all F-M area restaurants, sooner or later, each one of you can expect a visit from one or more of our staff. We may not overtly identify who we are and what we’re up to. However, if we do identify ourselves, we will expect our entire meal to be free. Gratis. “On-the-house”. In either case, we will usually ask a series of questions throughout our stay and will want these questions answered immediately, such as: “What would you recommend?” We may ask for directions to the bathroom and then “accidentally” walk into the kitchen. We may order the pepper steak and send it back because it’s too peppery. Everything we do will be to thoroughly test every aspect of your establishment, from: friendliness, cleanliness, ambience, food quality and quantity, drink potency and potability, attention to details, to how you deal with problems.

To our readers: We vow to be completely unbiased and honest in our reporting, unlike the late, great Brian Williams. If you ever have any particular restaurants that you would like to suggest we critique, please do not hesitate to contact our Restaurant Review Department.

Top Ten Zen Proverbs

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The Path Of Enlightenment

Pathfork, Kentucky – Just as promised, the FM Observer is very proud to bring you the Top Ten List of Zen Proverbs.

After searching the entire world, we found for you all the best of the best when it comes to sayings about Nothing.

If you have any that you would like to add, please include them in the comment section below.

Top Ten Zen Proverbs:

#10: If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

#9: So little time, so little to do.

#8: Possessing much knowledge is like having a thousand foot fishing line with a hook, but the fish is always an inch beyond the hook.

#7: The quieter you become, the more you can hear.

#6: If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.

#5: When you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing.

#4: Zen is not some kind of excitement, but merely concentration on our usual everyday routine.

#3: To set up what you like against what you do not like – this is the disease of the mind.

#2: Nothing is exactly as it seems, nor is it otherwise.

#1: Even a good thing is not as good as nothing.

Father Of Modern Photography Coming To Fargo

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First picture ever taken by Andre Kertesz which he later colorized with colored pencils.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Photography Club is excited to announce that Mr. Andre Kertesz who many consider to be the Father of Modern Photography will be coming to the Fargo-Moorhead area to do a photography workshop free-of-charge for the first 500 interested people who respond to this post.

This very special workshop will be held poolside (along with a cash bar) at the Biltmore Motel which is where the lovely Raquel Welch who many consider to be the Mother of Modern Photography chose to stay when visiting Fargo.

Andre Kertesz taught us to think of the camera as a tool through which we can capture a subject’s essence or the main reason why something exists.

Mr. Kertesz believed that in a random world the camera can give reason to everything around us which is how he felt after doing a black and white photo shoot with the ever-beautiful Raquel Welch whom he went on to marry and then subsequently divorce due to irreconcilable differences.

If you would like to join the Fargo-Moorhead Photography Club, simply call Mr. Marv Varvruncle at his home anytime day or night except Sundays.

Swimmable Lake Discovered On Mars!

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The discovery of a lake on Mars means there are probably fish there too!

Syrtis Major, Mars – Marsologists are excitedly reporting that a lake has been discovered on Planet Mars!

What was first observed with the Viking Orbiter has now been confirmed with the Mars Rover.

The unnamed lake is reportedly in the region that Martian topographers call the Syrtis Major Planum.

It seems that water flows into this lake from Mount Olympus which is in the Tharsis region and then eventually into the Kaiser Sea.

Top Italian Marsologist, Giovanni Schiaparelli, says: “Non siamo sicuri se il lago ha acqua normale o acqua forse pesante. Ma l’acqua è acqua, non importa quanto l’idrogeno ha.”

This translates into: “We are not sure if the lake has normal water (H2O) or perhaps heavy water (H3O). But hey, water is water, no matter how much hydrogen it has, eh?”

As to what he thinks the official name of the lake will be, Giovanni simply said: “I think maybe Justin TimberLake!?”

Chinese New Year: Year Of The Sheep

Year of the Sheep

Year of the Sheep

Chinatown, USA – This February 19 begins the Chinese New Year which coincides with the New Moon (or as some call it: No Moon).

It will be the Year of the Sheep, Goat, or Ram and will go from Feb. 19, 2015 to Feb. 7, 2016.

The Sheep is known for being nurturing, loving, and accepting. The Year of the Sheep is a good time for expressing creativity and cultivating beauty.

For the new year, many take this opportunity to cleanse the house, symbolically sweep away all ill-fortune, and make room for good in-coming luck.

On this special occasion, common greetings include: “May your happiness be without limit” and “May you realize your ambitions”.

For this special occasion, the FM Observer has compiled a list of some of our favorite Chinese proverbs. Happy New Year!

Let the one who tied the bell on the tiger take it off.
Every advantage has its disadvantages.
A lifetime of cleverness can be ruined by a moment of stupidity.
A single slip may cause lasting sorrow.
One careless move and the whole game is lost.
You can reach the same destination by different roads.
Don’t fish in troubled waters.
Every single step leaves its print.
To say you don’t know is the beginning of knowing.
A small leak will sink a great ship.
Don’t drain the pond to get all the fish.
If you don’t want others to know about it, then don’t do it.
Control your emotion, or it will control you.
If you run after two hares, you will catch neither.
You never know how hard a task is until you’ve done it yourself.
The highest tower begins from the ground.
Well begun is half done.
The greatest joy in life is the fruit of one’s own labor.
No one is wise at all times.
A wise person is always a good listener.
Rumors stop at the wise person.
Be mindful of possible danger in times of peace.
Out of debt, out of danger.
You are not beaten until you give up.
There are bad ones among good people and good ones among bad people.
Rather go without than have something of poor quality.
Sometimes the best gain is to lose.
Take the whole into consideration, but do the job bit by bit.
Correct the mistake if you have made any and guard against it if you have not.
What cannot be cured must be endured.
Learn from others’ strength to offset one’s weaknesses.
You cannot stand on two boats and sail.
Learning is like rowing upstream, not to advance is to drop back.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
A man who makes a promise easily is apt to forget it.
A good neighbor is better than a relative afar.
An eye for an eye, and we will all go blind.
A loss may turn out to be a gain.
Nothing comes of nothing.
One hour today is worth two hours tomorrow.
The water that bears the boat can also swallow it up.
A happy wife is the key to a happy family and home life.
At birth we bring nothing with us, at death we take nothing away.

United Nations Hires Liam Neeson To Eliminate ISIS

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Bye-bye forever, ISIS (or at least until the sequel)

Action movie star Liam Neeson has taken up a special assignment in between filming dominator action films.

At the behest of the United Nations and by special request of President Obama, Liam Neeson will seek out and destroy the terrorist cell known as ISIS.

Liam Neeson’s publicist, in a statement released yesterday:

“He doesn’t know who they are. He doesn’t know what they want. If they are looking for ransom, my client can say he doesn’t have money. But what he does have is a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long acting career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like them. If they quit terrorist activity now, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for them, he will not pursue them. But if they don’t, he will look for them, he will find them, and he will kill them.”

MV5BMTU2ODI3ODEyOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTM3NTQzNDE@._V1__SX1252_SY797_Neeson acknowledges this as the pinnacle ass-kicking of his long, storied career of ass-kickings. “Throughout my time in film, I’ve fearlessly taken out enemies in many different countries on Earth, as well as in space and la-la land and what have you. This assignment will be no different…no different than the assignment of my lead character in my movie, Run All Night. Go see it, won’t you?”

Yes, Mr. Neeson. Yes we will see it—just please don’t hurt us!

Run All Night is available now on DVD/BLU-RAY.

Things To Know About Valentine’s Day

This is the first known Valentine's Day card from 1921.

This is the first-known Valentine’s Day card from 1921. It’s worth an estimated $12,000,000!

Valentine, Nebraska – Most people don’t know the true history of Valentine’s Day.

Back in the early 1920’s, Dr. Valentine wanted to express to his wife how much he loved her.

As a successful heart surgeon, the shape of the heart was ubiquitous in his office.

He made the first-ever Valentine’s Day card (see picture) for his lovely wife, Lilly, on her birthday which just happened to be February 14th.

Today, Valentine’s Day cards are big business, as is evidenced by walking down the card aisle at your local grocery store.

But the really big business is collecting vintage Valentine’s Day cards.

Some of the average ones dating back to the 1920’s are worth between $20,000 to $75,000.

A few of the more rare and sought-after cards can bring millions of dollars at vintage auction houses.

If you really want to give your Valentine something special, look up in your attic for any old vintage Valentine’s Day cards that may be worth more than your fricking house!

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day from the FM Observer!